Better to leave my exWife and our children to their own devices?

[exDH]

Any single mums able to comment?

What I mean is I'd rather get away from my xwife than see my kids (sometimes)- the only way to get away from her is to not see them....

They are 6 and 7 - I guess she'd be within her rights to stop me seeing them when I come back ?

Sorry but this really upsets me that some fathers think it is acceptable to walk away from their kids when the going gets tough. It is not acceptable. Women have to carry on seeing they xh if he wants to see the kids, courts do not accept I dont want him to pick up the kids because it is breaking my heart

I can only tell you how it feels as a child to have a father walk away from me and really give up.

Its devastating (even as an adult).

I thought I would always be more important to my parents than anything else in their world. The reality in my fathers case that he prefered to protect himself than me was a brutal low from which we have never recovered.

Really, it hurts like buggery.

I don't know the situation with you and your ex but I think you need to everything you can to hold your head up high and be able to say that you alwyas put your childrne first EVEN when it meant you were hurting like buggery.

Not only may it save a lifetime relationship with your children but you will have something that you can feel proud of in yourself.

I can understand you feeling hurt and confused but as everyone else (pretty much) has said you have to prioritise your role as your sons' father.

Think about how you are feeling, how hurt you are and how mixed up you feel, then multiply that by 20 to get a small idea of how your children may be feeling. At least you have the eyes of an adult and are able to rationalise some of whats gone on, they will not have this.

Whatever you decide to do, think about it carefully and don't act on an impulse when feeling angry etc as the result of this action will stay with your boys forever.
Good luck.

Klewcotter - that's why I won't give up on my son.

What hurts even more is that my ex seems to be determined to make me give up on my son.

It's clear she hates me more than she loves him. I just see a little boy brought into this world who's own mother puts her wishes ahead of his needs.

The only thing I can do is fight for him.

Lostdad, your son will be so grateful that you persisted.

exDH, sometimes I would dearly love it if my ex would feck off and never show face again but I can't do that to my kids.

I have to sort out when he will see them then tell them when hes not coming, I have total resposibility for everything in their lives and boy is that a heavy weight, yes he pays maintainance, but I have to sort everything out and fit around his work schedule like my time doesn't matter.

All that and I still have to hand them over to him and the woman who slept with him when I thought he was still my husband, who was a bitch to me before that even happened. The last thing I want in the world is them spending time with her but I have to accomodate this because HE IS STILL THEIR DAD.

exdh,

my exdh left me, but I still have to see him, as i have the dd. He broke my heart, and trod on it too for about 3 yrs. I miss him, and I hate that this has happened. He hasn't bothered much with our dd.
I know it's hard, and that's not trying to make a trite all encompassing comment. So much of it is hard, unjust, and sad, and it hurts.

You are allowed to rant, and have all these feelings.

The dc's wil ALWAYS be there for you, if you are for them.

No. Please don't do that. Just think about ways how you can see your children without needing to see your x. Maybe get a relative of yours or of your x's to deal with the handover.

If you can be a good father, or even an 'OK' father, then some contact is better than none, so if at the moment, with these feelings of doubt and confusion, you can only commit to once every 10 weeks, then don't commit to more visits. But stick to that limit you set yourself. And then over time when the bitterness and anger fade a little, increase the frequency of visits rather than decreasing them.

Don't expect to be able to see your x twice a week. It will end in a fight. Of course it will. And that won't do the children any good.

I don't know anything about you, maybe you are a great guy, and your x is the unreasonable one. But it should go without saying that you don't use money as power, don't abuse any power you have, and even if it chews you up, respect your x's right to get with trying to build a happy life for herself. She has the right, and your children will flourish with a happy Mother behind them, and wither with a miserable unhappy mother who is literally crushed under the weight of mind games and money worries.

BIGBADPoppy.

EcDH - when me and my ex separated (she wanted to be out of the marriage btw and ended it, chucking me out, news to me, I was suffering from depression at the time etc etc)

I never ever wanted or dreamed that I would NOT be there for my daughter. No matter how hard I found it, seeing the ex, collecting daughter to take her to nursery, drop her off, take her to the park etc, no matter HOW much it cut me up and left me with a big hole inside me, I was still there for my daughter and never for one moment dreamed of NOT being there for her.

why?

because they are your children and they are the most important things in your life. I put my daughter first, before me, before anything - she comes first, end of. That is how you should really be thinking of your relationship with your kids IMHO. You may not LIKE seeing your ex, but you are both the adults and the kids should not suffer if you can minimise it. You have to grin and bear it and put all the other shit behind - if need be, go to Relate, go to counselling, go to family mediation but for godsake put the kids first and get on with things. otherwise you will just find life going downhill.

You already know the answer to this.

I would urge you to go to counselling. It's not enough to just see your DC's, you've got to be able to talk about their mother to them without hatred creeping into your voice, because that will hurt them. Even if it's play-acting, you need to be able to play act well enough to reassure them that Mum and Dad being apart is OK, both will still be there for them, and they are able to have a civilised relationship.

Otherwise you model hatred.

Good luck exDH. You are obviously in a lot of pain and you need to acknowledge that and feel it and grieve, but at the same time you need to function as a decent father. It's fucking hard. But if you do it, you'll reap the reward when your children are older.

can you arrange for a 'middle party' to collect the children and drop them off to you? perhaps your parents/a nother family member you both trust

PLEASE don't give up on your children

I read an article about Ray Davies which said he walked away from his daughter because his ex (Chrissie Hynde) made things so difficult, he thought he was sparing her pain.

I thought then and I think now that is bullshit. how that child must feel growing up that her dad couldn't be bothered and abandoned her. Unless there is a serious risk that you would be physically harmed by pursuing contact (in which case the children shouldn't be living with her) you really should try your hardest to be a part of your children's lives.

the emotional damage caused by parental abandonment is almost certainly greater than the damage caused by a wanky ex making a fuss.

Think that's a bit harsh tbh. Don't forget, not that many grown up children had been through the experience of abandonment and spoken out about it. There was still very much the attitude that walking away and leaving them all to move on, and moving on yourself, was the best thing all round as it was neater and tidier than "confusing" the kids by having 2 father figures.

Had no idea that Ray D and Chrissie Hynde had a child together... he's about 2 centuries older than her isn't he?

'I love being wit hmy boys but I need to move on !'

Words fail me...

There's a difference though between walking away because it's too painful to see your x, and walking away because the x is making it difficult for you to see your children.

Dh was faced with extreme animosity from his x and dsd was fully aware of it because it invariably happened in front of her. His x's new bf assaulted dh at a handover one day and his x stood watching, holding dsd's hand and laughing . He was told that he was persecuing dsd's mum by taking her to Court, that he was just doing it to "get at her", that it wasn't in dsd's best interests and he wasn't thinking about her, etc etc.

He didn't and wouldn't have walked away from dsd. But her mum wasn't doing anything to shield dsd from all the animosity and he did occasionally wonder whether he was doing the right thing by continuing with the proceedings, and whether it would be better for dsd to live without him and therefore without the animosity.

That's meant to read "persecuting".

exDH, not read all the posts yet, but join family needs fathers and see the stories on there about fathers fighting for a chance to see their kids. not having a go as I don't know what you are going through exactly and I have seen some pretty nasty situations where some fathers have considered more than just walking away but there are always ways of seeing your kids without seeing your ex. walk away now, you walk away for a long time if not for good. think what your kids will experience if you did walk away.

''your daddy doesn't love you anymore''

''daddy hates you as he does not want to see you''

in fact, your ex will be able to poison them with anything and that usually has the effect of damaging them psychologically as being told one parent doesn't love them anymore is pretty damaging.

one TV personality I dislike intensely has a saying, ''a parent (father) should crawl over hots coals if thats what it takes to see his kids'' quite right too, the kids are the innocent ones, you need to protect them from vitriol.

Firstly, I do really suggest you join [www.FnF.org.uk]] for advice and support on how to proceed without the need to involve solicitors. rant away in private on here or on FnF forums as it certainly helps, but go see your kids, don't let them down or fall victim to any possible psych damage please.

Misi. I have never told my kids their daddy doesn't love them anymore, nor that their daddy hates them and doesn't want to see them. I have never poisoned them against their dad either. I know some women do, but please don't generalise us all.

I wasn't generalising mashedup, I was suggesting to exDH something for HIS situation in an effort to show him the error of his thoughts, don't turn this into something it is not

You could go to thailand and lie lie lie and not give a feck?

Maybe that would ake you feel a big grown up man?

Has anyone noticed that this poster was following someone round the boards the other day? Or is it just me? Or has someone already said and I missed it?

Why would you think this was his situation Misi?

He hasn't said anything at all about his ex wife bad-mouthing him to his children.

Therefore, you are generalising, because it's actually quite difficult for someone who isn't a mysogynist, to extrapolate bad-mouthing ex wife from the non-existent level of detail the OP has given us.

Can you pick the dc up on a friday after school - that way you dont have to see your ex and you do get important contact with the school - see their teacher get to ask when parents eve is etc.

Then take the dc back to school on a Monday morning, so you are part of the every day stuff, not just the nice bits at the weekend, if you get my drift.

It is worth while trying to manover things so you can do the school run if possible, the dc think it is great when the other parent takes them to school and it does give you much more of "normal" life with them.

Make sure aswell that you give the school your address - so that they can post you a duplicate copy of the report and send you newsletters etc - be clear to the school that you need to get the letters aswell as there resident parent. You can have a seperate appointment for parents eve so that you dont have to see your ex.

often people need a metaphorical slap in the face to make them realise what they are doing. if I had suggested that his ex will not say a word but welcome him back with open arms into the lives of thier kids some years down the line when he is ready to come back do you think that would encourage him to do all he can to see his kids or to walk away and satisfy his original thoughts?
suggesting the worse case scenario at what may possibly happen is the best way to make someone see what the consequences of thier actions may be and to make them realise that their own personal feelings don't come into it when children are involved, children matter first and above all else, and if you had ever bothered to read my posts properly, you would realise I am the complete opposite to a woman hater and someone who is only really interested in the welfare of the children who are usually the ones to suffer the inadequacies of either/both parents to communicate and put aside thier own feelings after separation for the sake of the kids