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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

so 11 yrs ago tomorrow, I got married (and it was a friday), and it feels like it never happened

31 replies

piratecat · 18/09/2008 18:17

I never know how to deal with the anniversary. Each year it gets almost harder, to even remember that we were in fact in love. Each year it's been a day much like any other but with a huge weight to it it. This year is different becuase he is now re married, and the breakdonw in hos relationship with his daughter has been pretty bad.

I just feel sad. My wedding day was very special, the 19th of the 9th 1997. God that feels like 3 lifeties ago, yet is only 11 yrs ago. Its weird cos i live back down where we got married, and i remember the night before so well.

I dunno what i am doing even writing about it, but i wouldn't mind a hug

OP posts:

fryalot · 18/09/2008 18:19

oh some anniversaries are just shit, aren't they!

Have a "I washed that man out of my hair" party and try to make some happier memories of the day?

watsthestory · 18/09/2008 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 18:24

i can't squonk, but thanks. I feel totally lost in my memory of him at times. I am also not sure what I think at times wither, of him, of the fact we are not together.

His leaving me haunts me, and whilst i cope, and it's been 3 plu yrs, i feel that its liek an injury that will never stop pulling/hurting. I don't feel depressed, I am ok, but i feel i am just coping.

dd's counsellor told me to make time for myself 2morro. Yet i am always on my bloody own!!!

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Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 18:25

thanks wotsthestory

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fryalot · 18/09/2008 18:26

dd's counsellor? Have you considered talking to someone yourself? for you, I mean?

You are coping, and I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job, but who wants to go through life "coping"?

I think you may really benefit from seeing someone and getting some advice on how to move on. You shouldn't be spending any of you time even thinking about him, never mind feeling hurt/pulled.

Consider yourself hugged from me too

Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 18:31

I did talk to someone a couple of years ago, and talking to dd's counsellor has helped me too. I do have stuff i prob need to talk about, yet I also know the sort of person i am.

what I mean is, things hurt me very deeply, well betrayal/abandonment feelings do. I know I will move on, and i know it's taking a long time, yet i do trust my ability to get there in the end. I just get very angry and upset inside, becuase he did to me exactly what he said he would never ever do, and is now doing it too dd. Her suffering (long documented on here!!) i guess, highlights my own, and my anger, and it's a thinline between keeping things ok for her.

oh i don't know, i need to gas like this on here, it's therapy in itself, and when you are on your own night after night, you forget that you don't share your every day crap, and it gets bottled up.

OP posts:

fryalot · 18/09/2008 18:33

oh, yes, I know that feeling!

I'm here for half an hour or so, and I should be on and off for the rest of the evening, if you want to unload, knowing that someone is 'listening'

Tis good that you know you will get there, sometimes things just get so much on top of you that you can't see any way out of your darkness, tis good that you are waaaay better than that (iykwim)

justabouthadcurry · 18/09/2008 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fryalot · 18/09/2008 18:38

justabout... okey dokey

ShyBaby · 18/09/2008 18:50

Big hug for you piratecat > (at the risk of becoming all tickerish and sappy)

Have a big cry if you want to, it helps sometimes. I dont care what anyone says, we all do it!

Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 19:00

I do need a cry, i nearly cried today when i was driving, but I just couldn't get going. That's a prob for me, i am on ant's and I swear they maek i t hard to cry. Finding a 'window' is hard too!!

When I say I will get there, I know it's becuase i Have no choice, and I want to live my life till the end, as peacefully as possible.

Yet I am sorry if this sounds ridiculous , but miss him , and i do still love him. Yes for what he was then, when we were still both in love, but also thee remains love for him. I think that's hard for other's to understand. I always get 'but he did this, and he's done that', but i guess him leaving, as someone put it on ehre once, was very unfinished, and patchy, and sudden, so i feel left behind in more ways than one.

I don't dwell on him, but i miss him. I was very very proud to be a bride, i never eventhought i'd make it past 30, with all my depression probelms, and suicide problems. When we met it was as tho it was the answer i'd hung in for. Like it was soemone who loved me for me, then one day he didn't.

OP posts:

fryalot · 18/09/2008 19:02

just because people do bad things to us, it doesn't mean we automatically stop loving them.

No matter how hard we want to.

You will get there, you know, I hope it is sooner than you think

ShyBaby · 18/09/2008 19:21

agree piratecat...re the "window". I try so hard not to cry in front of my kids..I dont have time to cry!

It doesnt sound ridiculous at all. Its very hard coming to terms with the fact that the one person you dared to trust actually turned out to be the one who hurt you most. I dont have an answer for that im afraid but can understand a little.

Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 19:25

thanks girls, can i call you girls? x

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elastamum · 18/09/2008 19:30

I know how you feel. My DH has recently left and I do feel that I've lost something very precious even though he has been very unkind to us. Sending you lots of [hugs]

allgonebellyup · 18/09/2008 19:35

pirate - i know what you mean about the ADs, they do make it near on impossible to cry, sometimes i find this really frustrating, as when i feel down i just need to get it out of my system.

i am also in the same sort of situation as you, except that me and ex split only last year. the past 12months has been truly horrid but actually this month, (on the 1st anniversary of him announcing he had got his new woman pg), do i feel like i am starting to move on.

i dont check my phone constantly to see if he has texted (well, not as often as before!) and i have practically stopped having really intense dreams about him.
The less contact i have with him the better.
Does it work this way for you?

allgonebellyup · 18/09/2008 19:37

i also know what you mean about going over the good days in your mind, somehow you manage to forget all the bad stuff, and all you can remember was how much in love you were. plus the fear that nobody else will ever make you feel that way again, and you will never be loved like that again.

People tell me it will happen again, but who knows??

Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 19:50

yes less contact the better. i have had to shut off part of me, to cope.

OP posts:

ShyBaby · 18/09/2008 19:58

When I split with ds's dad I would make myself remember the bad stuff, just to remind me I did the right thing

Original poster

piratecat · 18/09/2008 20:06

well i do try, but he wasn't bad to me, he was more like lost/broken down for about a yr. Then he left. then he met soemone abotu 2 months later, and proceeded to re write our history.
i wish i had got really out of love/fed up with him but i didn't.

OP posts:

ShyBaby · 18/09/2008 20:27

That must be tough be kind to yourself. Is there anything you can try and do to distract yourself a little tomorrow?

allgonebellyup · 19/09/2008 09:42

pirate - i echo what you say about not falling out of love with him.
although we were having huge fights about money and his work, so i asked him to leave, but i only meant it to be for a couple of months.
More fool me

Tinkerbel6 · 19/09/2008 10:45

piratecat hope you are ok today, try and do somethiing positive rather than sitting at home thinking of things and winding yourself up hugs , big kiss on the cheek, a bottle of red and a giant bar of galaxy chocolate

Original poster

piratecat · 19/09/2008 13:35

i am ok, i went round to a friends this morning and had a weep, the friend who introduced me to mn in the first place.

I am going to see a medium 'show' this evening in our town. Nothing ever happens here so I thought it would be a laff.

allgonebellyup, i said the very same thing to mine.
x

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Original poster

piratecat · 19/09/2008 13:35

tink --thanks x

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