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Original poster

Finding it really hard to be happy for friends who have moved on

35 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 12:10

I know several people who seperated from their partners/husbands either before I did or afterwards and have all moved on, are in new relationships, planning to get married, have babies etc, and are basically really happy.

Whilst I am happy for them, it makes me feel really depressed and sometimes I feel the need to either avoid them, or have to practically shove my fist i my mouth to stop me telling them to shut up about their fabulous life.

As I said, I am happy for them, but can't help thinking how bloody unfair it all is, especially as some of them pretty much walked straight into new relationships etc.

OP posts:
Janos · 27/07/2008 13:24

No, it's shit, isn't it? Sometimes it just feels a bit much having other people's happiness hoved in your face when you're having a hard time. And while understandable, it's a bit insensitive to go on about it (I know that fist in mouth feeling all too well!)

I think you're having a perfectly normal and human reaction really.

Janos · 27/07/2008 13:26

Er, I mean shoved, D'oh!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 13:38

Thanks Janos

I suppose it is pretty normal really, and i'd never actually say anything to any of them, I just wish sometimes perhaps they'd stop to think how it might feel if the situations were reversed.

OP posts:
possiblymaybe · 27/07/2008 13:52

Oh I know the feeling too well myself...

Have just separated from abusive £$%head ex.
I stayed way too long with him, my life hasn't moved on since we;ve been together and I 've found myself om my own with 14 months old dd, no savings, no proper job, in the rented flat in the middle of the credit crunch.

You can tell I feel a little bit bitter about it.

My freinds on the other hand seem to have a ball at the moment.
And as much as I feel happy for my friends to buy their flats, go on fab holidays, land great new jobs I can't help feeling bit envious sometimes.

charliecat · 27/07/2008 14:07

Its not always greener on the other side. I bet when they are having one of those shitty weekends when you CANNOT WAIT for Monday morning that they envy you and your singledom.

ConstanceWearing · 27/07/2008 14:11

There is moving on, and then there is papering over the cracks, IB.

Throwing yourself into a new relationship without time to think about how the other one dissolved, etc, is not the answer (although it seems to be, because it saves you thinking about the old relationship as you are so busy with the new one).

Everything changes - and your chance of happiness will come ((()))

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:12

I honestly don't know anyone that envys my life CC, I certainly wouldn't.

I am just jealous really.

I want what they seemed to find without hardley any effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:14

Thanks CW

You may be right about my chance, and when I first split with xp I thought the same, but the longer me being single goes on, the less I believe it.

OP posts:
charliecat · 27/07/2008 14:16

Oh come on, you have 3 gorgeous healthy well behaved kids(never see you moaning about them on here so assuming they are) and no life sucking slime ball sitting on your sofa with his skid marks cluttering your loo. That IS an enviable life to some.
I know when I was with XP I wished I had the bollocks that you had had had to end it.
So I envied you and your life for quie a while.
Occasionally I now join you in the OH MY GOD doesnt nothing ever change/SHIT is this it camp but reread some of your posts from 3 years ago.
You were really unhappy.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:23

I was unhappy CC but so were these other people, then they got rid, got someone new and are happy.

I wasn't happy then and I'm not happy now either really.

Oh and well behaved kids my arse. You obviously have missed a few of my threads recently

I am still glad I got rid of xp, but I know that if i'd known then that now i'd still be single over 2 years down the line, i'd never have done it because me and being alone don't mix.

Totally wrong reasons to want to meet someone I know, but you know what I mean.

Apart from xp, my life is no less shittier now than it was then.

OP posts:
charliecat · 27/07/2008 14:27

Hmm, except you are learning to drive...ENDLESS possibilitys there. Thats at least 4 steps in the right direction.
You have had, are having some nice holidays with the kids?
There ARE good things in your life.
How did they walk into these new relationships?
DO these peoples partners have brothers/mates that you could cop a feltch with

used2bthin · 27/07/2008 14:29

I agree the grass isn't always greener but know what you mean, I've got two friends who are single parents and one is in a new relationship and has already had a fling before that and has been single less time than me and the other became single lastr week and has a date lined up already! How are they managing it? I have not even had so much as a flirtatious converstaion in the year and a bit since I split with XP. I suppose I don't really try but still!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:30

LOL no, oddly not one of them has ever offered to set me up with anyone they know, or even invite me on a night out with their friends tbh.

I am looking forward to the holiday, passing my test, moving house etc, but am just bored shitless of only having myself to talk to about it, or my mum.

A couple of them met on the internet by the way, but have already discovered that that is not for me. Another met through a friend and I think the other one met her bloke on holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:31

Snap usedtobethin, no flirting, no nothing since I split with xp over 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Jux · 27/07/2008 14:33

I had a friend who split with her dd's father (damn good thing, alcoholic unfaithful feckless so and so). At one point I envied her because SHE GOT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND OFF and I was knackered. She met a fantastic guy quite quickly, got married a year later, they bought a house here and another in France and it was all wonderful wonderful wonderful. A year after that they'd split up too.

Take your time.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:36

I know, I know, I shouldn't care, should just wait my turn etc etc, but tbh the thought of still being right here right now, even 1 yr from now, makes me want to jump in front of a bus.

OP posts:
used2bthin · 27/07/2008 14:36

I know what you mean about stuff to talk about, my freinds always seem to have exciting gossip. It has started to seem exciting to me if a man smiles at me at the supermarket! I have recently joined a dating website. I joined because it was another saturday night home alone and I was so fed up. But apart from a few people adding me as a favourite nothing has come of it yet. Again I probably need to be more proactive but I'd probably be terrified if I had to go on a real date

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:38

LOL Usedtobethin

Dating sites didn't work for me tbh. I seem to attract the exact opposite to what I am looking for and then when I don't respond to them it just all goes quiet, so I gave up.

I do know people who have found love through dating sites though, so it is worth a go

OP posts:
Janos · 27/07/2008 14:46

Actually IB I've thought about this a bit more and how some people seem to move on more quickly.

I'm not so sure they do!

My XP was married to someone else within 2 years of us splitting (not the reason why we split). I think being in a relationship was more important to him than who he has the relationshyip with, IYSWIM. Lots of people are like that and HAVE to have someone around cos they just can't manage on their own.

And something else for you.

2 years ago, I was as low as you could possibly be. I won't go into details but it really was BA BAD BAD.

2 years on and life is immeasurably better.

Life can be tremendously tiring and stressful but I take so much pride from the fact I have done it myself.

I think we should all feel a bit like that really.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 14:49

I am probably like that. I can manage on my own, but I hate every single second of it.

OP posts:
Janos · 27/07/2008 14:59

I do like being on my own but that may just be cos my XP was such a bloody nightmare!

Still find it bloody exhausting though so totally understand. There are days when I'd give my right arm (and leg and other limbs) just to have someone else there to help/take to/offer support.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 27/07/2008 15:03

See I do get a break, so I should be bloody grateful really.

It's just that I don't do anything when I do have a break so never quite see the point in it.

Oh and why is it that xp thinks that the amount of time he has the kids shouldn't increase whilst they are on school hols. Tosser.

OP posts:
Janos · 27/07/2008 15:23

IB I think it's fair enough to be pissed off!

Sometimes I like having the opportunity to do nothing

allgonebellyup · 27/07/2008 17:41

illegally - i dont mean this horribly, but you are often on here talking about how you want to find someone..
i am also a single mum, i work part time, study part time(so v busy!), and i get to go out every saturday, i love the socialising and getting drunk, and just having a laugh.

The more you go out and mingle and enjoy yourself, the more people will be attracted to you.
Dont keep thinking about finding someone, as this sends "desperate" signs out and will scare them off. Why dont you focus on having as much fun as you can, and a fling here or there, rather than hoping endlessly if you will find "the one".
Make new friendships and develop interests, make yourself so busy that you wont have time to think about wanting a relationship.

There is more to life than having a partner. There really is.
I have been through a horror of a year but sitting here today i am really happy, and that has sod-all to do with a bloke.

charliecat · 27/07/2008 17:54

Is XP now having the kids set times?
Like every friday or whatever?
You need to get looking to see what is on at those times at the gym/swimming centre/cinema or something. DO get out there and do something.
My xp has the kids Tues/Thurs for 2 hours. Oh I love those 2 hours.
I have a mental list of things to do.
Mostly I go and have a game of scrabble with my mates brother who suffers from depression and rarely leave the house. We have a beer and a game of scrab and a laugh.
Last Thurs I went to the pub with my mate, as her kids were at a school disco, and we played Bar Billiards and darts over coca cola, screaming with laughter at the fact we had to add up our scores in little sums on the chalk board.
Other times I text my mate who has a dog and I join her on the walk she will be having anyway.
Sometimes we play tennis.
All better than the housework that I should be doing And all potential mate meeting opportunitys.

And the internet thing, maybe YOU contact the people you like? Instead of waiting for them to get in touch with you? What have you got to lose?
What about parentsalready, my mates x gf has just got married and is pregnant to a dude she met from there.