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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should I bother to sign with dating site when I feel so ambivalent about dating

26 replies

ninah · 19/07/2008 19:38

Hi, I've been single for about two years now, just focussed on dc etc after lousy relationship. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a man around but on the other hand I'm terrified - been so long. I don't think I want a serious relationship, just a kind of friendly thing - but I get so little free time I don't want to waste it on flirtations that get out of hand etc. I've heard match dot com is good. Any advice? I'm not unhappy with life the way it is ...

OP posts:

fedupofbeingfedup · 19/07/2008 19:44

No advice, but I feel the same, I am happy looking after my two kids and can honestly say I'm not sad that I'm single but I'm so sick of people expecting that I meet someone that I find myself going on these stupid bloody dating sites, yet when I get a message I just sigh and turn the computer off, I cant be bothered with it. I dunno.....

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 19:48

Have you met anyone in the flesh fedup? See, I think maybe it would be nice to email, so on, but the idea of a real live date fills me with horror. At the same time I find myself having mild and inappropriate crushes, so I think maybe I should give it a go. Glad I'm not the only one!

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Snaf · 19/07/2008 19:56

Feel exactly the same way. Have been on and off dating sites for a couple of years now (have been single for 4 years). I always seem to think it's a good idea when I sign up and then get bored and irritated with it so quickly. It starts to seem like a chore, which is probably not a good sign!

Am very ambivalent about it all, too. Part of me thinks it would be nice to have someone around but mostly I am perfectly happy the way things are. Then again I would hate to think that I'll never fall in love again...

IME, the people that are successful (in terms of a long-term relationship, at least) on dating sites are usually those who put quite a lot of effort in and don't get disillusioned/bored after a week. Mr Wonderful rarely pitches up on the first go (awaits multitude of posts from MNers who fell in love after 6 hours online).

Snaf · 19/07/2008 19:59

Just to prove my point - have just received an email from a bloke who looks like Lembit Opik's less-attractive younger brother and referred to me as a 'lovely lady' whom her hoped would 'liven up' his 'dull life'...

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 20:00

Effort? good god, I'll give it a miss then

OP posts:

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 20:04

Yeah Snaf that's exactly IT! that's what's out there! My dilemma is that I've had an email from someone that looks vaguely OK in photo - though there is an Artexed ceiling in the background - and until I subscribe I can't read it. I'm on a tight budget, and I'm thinking, hmmmm ...
Most of my 'matches' look like Crimewatch extras

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prettyfly1 · 19/07/2008 20:13

lol. can i suggest the answer is no. i was enjoying pof but after a couple of days i am already bored. perhaps best to leave it alone. it all just feels a bit contrived??

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 20:15

Thanks you have just saved me £ I can't afford. Plus god knows what else!

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Fiona365 · 19/07/2008 20:16

I agree with Snaf. My friends who have found partners on websites have put a LOT of effort in.

That said 2 of them have got married this year.

I too find myself ambivalent about it but a couple of friends keep putting pressure on me to "get out there and meet someone".

citylover · 19/07/2008 20:34

I was feeling like that recently but have got into the swing of it a bit more tho have not met anyone yet for a date.

But am now quite enjoying the banter with a few selected guys after an attitudinal switch and don't have any real expectation of anything because like you I don't really know what I want.

But do think a date might be nice or a lunch or something.

Have been sep nearly two years, divorced eighteen months and have also have an on off thing with an ex bf for the past year.

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 20:41

What, emails and so on?
I'm totally darn sure I don't want to get married etc. Then again, I quite like male company. I've moved to this village where it's all nuclear families, quite insular, have made friends but am quite a novelty as a single mum round here. Hence thinking about online. The chap that emailed lives about two hours away which is a plus.

OP posts:

Snaf · 19/07/2008 20:58

This thread has just inspired me to delete my profile from a dating site - I need to stop kidding myself that I can be bothered

JumpingDizzy · 19/07/2008 21:10

I met a great guy on plentyoffish dot com but have also met one weirdo who i'm trying to get rid of but you can meet them anywhere? Dated a few nice guys too.
pof is free and I know 4 friends in long term relationships who met on there.

prettyfly1 · 19/07/2008 21:29

umm. i am feeling a bit bleurgh about it. started an msn chat with one bloke who seemed quite normal up until then and his opener involved "so lets fxxk" que?

prettyfly1 · 19/07/2008 21:30

umm. i am feeling a bit bleurgh about it. started an msn chat with one bloke who seemed quite normal up until then and his opener involved "so lets fxxk" que?

retiredgoth · 19/07/2008 21:39

...had a few days playing on "POF". I've deleted the profile thingy, though....

It is too much hard work, to be honest. Added to this is the fact that I am only contacted by people significantly older than me who are no stranger to a fish supper....

...was on Guardian Soulmates at one time. That was slightly more successful. However it's membership would seem to contain an unnatural number of alternative therapists in birkenstocks....

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 21:45

at least you found out straight away prettyfly! there are some seedy looking bgrs ..
pmsl at snafu, poor old lembik
had a look at fish, thanks jumpingdizzy.

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Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 21:45

at least you found out straight away prettyfly! there are some seedy looking bgrs ..
pmsl at snafu, poor old lembik
had a look at fish, thanks jumpingdizzy.

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prettyfly1 · 19/07/2008 22:00

some irish bloke just asked me if he could write a poem for me wtf?

Original poster

ninah · 19/07/2008 22:48

See, that worries me far more. I worry I'd start to think 'how romantic' and overlook the brown teeth, the irritating monologues, whatever. That instead of seeing it as just a laugh I'd end up hooked into something totally unsuitable.
The Ballad of Prettyfly - hope you said yes!

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IllegallyBrunette · 20/07/2008 10:59

I so relate to what you have all said.

Thought I was the only one who read a message on a dating site and then logged straight off because they couldn't be bothered.

I also only get messages from blokes old enough to be my grandfather, or blokes asking if I have a webcam and are up for some fun

I just cannot get to grips with it at all, it just seems to staged and clinical for my liking.

davidtennantsmistress · 20/07/2008 11:17

hmm, think it depends on how you look at it.

when I went back on POF, I literally went back on for a laugh and to chat, nothing more nothing less, god some odd emails - I do answer all of them thou, and will talk to anyone on IM's passed the time of day with a lot, am friends with some others, others I didn't bother with but to say yeah thanks. or sorry you're not my type.

It passed the hours away when there was nothing on the telly. and i've met a nice bloke from there. but he as any other's iv'e spoken to on there know how I am from the start as in yes i'm on the site but i'm only looking to talk online, might agree to a coffee if I really get on with them but for the most part not.

tbh I don't view it as any different to MN- jsut talk to blokes instead. then again if they do start sex talk (and I don't mind smutty banter to a degree) I simply say, wooh easy tiger, or i'm not into that and change it back to a clean topic again, if they won't/don't then they get sacked off.

IllegallyBrunette · 20/07/2008 11:19

Seems like hard work to me LOL.

davidtennantsmistress · 20/07/2008 11:21

lol. it can be, but then I chat to anyone me and the IM's pop up either way. it's all good fun thou!

MeMySonAndI · 20/07/2008 12:39

I'm ambivalent about these sites as well.

I signed in one of those sites for a month (parentsalready.com), I was not looking for a relationship but just for people in the area that were in the same boat as I was (single, with some free evenings and nobody to go to the cinema, theatre, dinner with asmost friends I have are married therefore don't have the flexibility I now have.

My impression of these sites is a bit ambivalent:

On one hand everybody is trying to sell themselves so hard that they don't portray their real selves (albeit they do what they aspire to be). Photographs are just resemblances of the real person (I say that because photographs never "reveal" my real self, I always look awful or prettier than what I am, although perhaps I'm severely deluded and I actually look as awful as in my photographs).

On the other... All people in that site had children which was great as I got to chat with many people that were going through the same I was or who have been there. There were obviously some messages that were not worth opening forget about replying to them but, I met a very nice guy who had very simmilar interests to mine, and was not in a hurry to find someone either. So we became very good friends and he has provided a lot of support in difficult times, and has been an incredible friend. Yes butterflies in the stomach and all that but as much as I liked him and he did, there were some circumstances in our life that would have caused problems in the future so, I have left it at friends stage.

The paradox of this is that this new friendship "pushed" me into re taking some interests I have put in hold, and while at that... I found my Mr Right

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