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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

AIBU to want to limit access?

41 replies

bignutbrownhare · 01/07/2008 22:00

In the three months we've been living apart (me with dd (one), xp with his ds), apart from a slightly wobbly start about access, everything's been fine. Xp sees dd once in the week and on Sundays and usually more, as he asks to come round and I always say it's OK. During the week, the day varies depending on his ds's arrangements and I've always been flexible about it and on Sundays he takes dd to his friends or family. Usually in the week, xp and his ds come here or we meet up somewhere. Now I'm getting a bit sick of his attitude (never bothers with the minutae of dd's life, often texts and doesn't ask how she's doing, and just seems to want to show her off like a little trophy). I want to tell him that he can only see dd on Sundays now. Can I do that?

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/07/2008 22:03

YABVU.

YOu absolutely should not do that at all.

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missingtheaction · 01/07/2008 22:03

why do you want to limit his and her access to each other? is it damaging her in any way? you need a good reason to do this. what is it that you want him to do more of? it looks like he is pretty committed and that's really valuable and important. Are you being fair?

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NorthernLurker · 01/07/2008 22:07

So you feel he treats her like a trophy - but you want to use your daughter's relationship with her father to score points over him basically? The point is not 'can' you do this but 'should' you do this. I don't think you should.

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charliecat · 01/07/2008 22:09

Make it more regimented maybe every second weeken, certain days though the week but not just once a week on a Sunday. Thats a bit grim.

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gillybean2 · 01/07/2008 22:10

Well you can try I suppose but do you think it's worth all the hassle it will be and the unhappiness it will bring to you all and the possible ensuing court case?

Do you really think it's in dd's best interest to stop her seeing her dad and half brother? You said contact was going well...

Are you sure you're not feeling fed up and want him to see how you're feeling. Is it maybe a case of you wanting him to be the kind of parent you want him to be and him not matching up?

Is he actually a bad parent? Does your dd love her dad and her haf brother and will she thank you when she's older for stopping her spending time with them?

Maybe before you launch on in and change the arrangements you could discuss some of your concerns and explain why and how you think things could be different.

Oh and what's the difference between being proud of your child and wanting everyone to see how wonderful they are, making sure they are fully socialised with family and friends and treating them like a trophey... Just out of interest?

Not critising you, just asking some questions which might help throw a bit more light on your feelings and why you are considering this.

Gilly

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bignutbrownhare · 01/07/2008 22:10

Probably not (being fair), but I'm just so sick of him having everything his way. Don't most separated dads only see their children once a week? She's only one, I don't think it will affect her, she has loads of people in her life. We agreed this access between us (was my suggestion) he wanted more, and has got it, really, seems to come round whenever he wants, except when I need him to help out! So it's a private arrangement.

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gillybean2 · 01/07/2008 22:15

The younger the child the more frequent the contact should be.

Just because something is what you perceive most dad's to have doesn't mean it's right, fair, or the way it should be for your child. Are most of these dad's you're refering to fitting in contact time around school and work? You don't have school worries right now. And I assume if he is taking care of his son that his work arrangements fit in with child care anyhow.

Don't get stuck in the one size fits all argument. Do what is right for your daughter.

If you need to formalise thinsg a bit more for your own peace of mind then look into that. But try discussing it rather than dictating it. You'll get a lot furtehr and your dd will be far happier with two parents who can talk and discuss rather than be fighting over her.

Gilly

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ElenorRigby · 01/07/2008 22:15

What a bastard, he sees his daughter regularly/consistently and is proud of her!

But seriously that sounds great, I really cant see the problem!

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Mutt · 01/07/2008 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElenorRigby · 01/07/2008 22:20

Gilly as usual is the voice of reason. Put your daughter first. Children need both their parents.

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Mutt · 01/07/2008 22:21

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/07/2008 22:24

Agree mutt.

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ChasingSquirrels · 01/07/2008 22:24

you aren't unreasonable to WANT to - that is about your feelings.
You would be unreasonable to actually DO so - as you need to act in your dd's best interests.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/07/2008 22:25

You dont seem to be looking at it in terms of how it benefits your child. Which is what is so very wrong. Seems he wants to see her and be involved. That's a really good thing. You wanting to limit it is for your own selfish reasons it seems.

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madamez · 01/07/2008 22:26

You sound like you want to punish him for not wanting to continue a couple-relationship with you. Please don't do that because it is your DD who will pay the price. You have to get over your feelings about 'XP the bastard who doesn't love me' and start thinking of him as 'DD's dad who loves her, and my co-parent'.
Of course, if you need to regularise access ie so you can do something like an evening class or a part-time job then it is not unreasonable to discuss this with your DD's father, but first and foremost your relationship with your co-parent needs to be civil and amicable on both sides, so rant at your mates all you like but be polite and friendly to and about him where your DD can see you.

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ChasingSquirrels · 01/07/2008 22:27

it is very very hard to DO the right thing when you are involved in it.
listen to what people are saying here, and try not to take it as an attack on you.

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dittany · 01/07/2008 22:28

This reply has been deleted

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TotalChaos · 01/07/2008 22:32

I don't see it as that terrible that she wants him to see her once a week, it's not like she is suggesting stopping contact completely. I guess though that if he is interested in seeing her more often that should be encouraged - think it would be fair enough if you tried to have a regular schedule so you and DD know what to expect.

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bignutbrownhare · 01/07/2008 22:33

You're right, ER, and I've seen enough threads on here to know that I should be thankful that her dad wants to see her and loves her so much, but it just seems like he's only interested in the good bits and never has to do any of the hard stuff. I guess this isn't about dd, more about me feeling resentful about him having everything his way. Not that I'd swap the 3am wake ups and beautiful smiley face next to mine in the mornings for anything. I know he's the loser in this because he misses so much of dd's life, but he's still a condescending twat! But I'll reign in and keep access as it is. Thanks everyone, sometimes you know what's right for your dc's but it gets clouded and you just need a wake up call.

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Mutt · 01/07/2008 22:34

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ChasingSquirrels · 01/07/2008 22:34

well done op

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Mutt · 01/07/2008 22:36

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/07/2008 22:36

Good for you

It can't be easy to work through such arrangements sometimes.

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gillybean2 · 01/07/2008 22:42

OP we all feel like that at times. Feelings are allowed, and actually recommended. They make us human.

Isn't it great to have somewhere like this where we can come and let those feelings out.

Glad you can see that he misses out on loads of good bits too. Would you swap with him and have all the fun stuff squished into a few hours and leave him with the harder bits and all the rest? Course not. You know who's got the better deal really don't you

Gilly

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ElenorRigby · 01/07/2008 22:45

bignutbrownhare its not at all easy to keep seeing an ex there is always hurt involved.
My DP sees his ex regularly becuase he has shared care for their DD. Im certain both would rather never see eachother again. But that wouldnt be putting their child first. Their DD sees both parents regularly and they have keep it amicable where their DD is concerned. Beleive you me I know thats not easy! But the great plus is that their DD is so happy and confident becuase of having a fulfilled relationship with both her parents post separation!

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