AIBU to want to limit access?

[bignutbrownhare]

In the three months we've been living apart (me with dd (one), xp with his ds), apart from a slightly wobbly start about access, everything's been fine. Xp sees dd once in the week and on Sundays and usually more, as he asks to come round and I always say it's OK. During the week, the day varies depending on his ds's arrangements and I've always been flexible about it and on Sundays he takes dd to his friends or family. Usually in the week, xp and his ds come here or we meet up somewhere. Now I'm getting a bit sick of his attitude (never bothers with the minutae of dd's life, often texts and doesn't ask how she's doing, and just seems to want to show her off like a little trophy). I want to tell him that he can only see dd on Sundays now. Can I do that?

You're so right Gilly, I actually do feel sorry for him. It helps a lot when he's being a twat . Thank you again MNers, you're all great and have helped me get over a bad day and come to my senses!

BNBH - you'd know better than us whether he is a twat or not (although you may have a personal bias of things like that but the main thing is - is it in your DD's best interests to spend time with him? Is he a good dad?

It's the hardest thing in the world to seperate your feelings about an ex from those concerning children - but parenting's like that anyway! It's not easy when you're together either.

It's good that you're willing to think and discuss about this sort of thing. From a father's point of view (and one who usually gets once a week' and what's more is deeply unhappy about it having only got that through an ever-lengthening court battle) assuming he is a half-decent bloke, the best thing to do would be to <span class="italic">talk</span> to him. If you can't do it civilly, try mediation with a professional to referee' and keep the discussion on what you're there for - your child.

It's a slippery slope, BNBH. In my personal case my ex left and refused to talk to me. So I organised professional mediation. She refused that. I took her to court. She made accusations of DV and child abuse against me. That's been forgotten, but we're still fighting on. Even last week I wrote a letter offering mediation in an attempt to break the deadlock and that was ignored.

We can all appreciate it is hard - but if you start sliding down that slippery slope it will get harder - you will get entrenched, he will get entrenched and you will both be in holes so deep neither of you will be able to get out. If you can't agree with your ex about things - a stranger - i.e. a judge or the like will make a decision - quite possibly one you, your ex and most importantly your daughter won't be happy with.

Keep talking to him BNBH. You never know - in a year's time you may look back at the stress and apprehension you feel concerning your daughter and your ex has been washed away and you see him as an ally in raising your wonderful DD...rather than an enemy for the rest of both your lives.

Believe me - the alternative ain't nice!

Oh - and get him to join Families Need Fathers - he may need reassurance about his role as a father and they will be able to give that as well as lots of help on how you can both work together.

bignut why don't you stop the access round you house and make him take your child to his instead ?, that way he had to deal with the rough aswell as the smooth.

'It's the hardest thing in the world to seperate your feelings about an ex from those concerning children'. That's so true Lostdad. I get so angry sometimes at the way he treats me but I know it's wrong to let that impact his relationship with our dd. He is a good dad and I would never actually stop him and dd having a relationship - just feel like it sometimes . I hope that time does make it easier. My feelings for him are very complicated and I haven't reached a place yet from where I can move on. I'm not exactly in a position to go out all the time and meet someone new either. But still, I live with dd and he doesn't so I guess I'm not the loser.

Don't think of it as about losing' or winning' - children are not prizes!

It's a normal mindset, but one best avoided. Yes - it is hard. My ex thinks of herself as the `winner' where I am concerned.

I am angry because she is treating our son like her personal property, rather than a person in his own right.

I don't mean it like that! I mean that sometimes it seems he has all the cards stacked in his favour but he hasn't, has he? Because he doesn't live with our dd.

I still think you're looking at things the wrong way by saying he doesn't have things `in his favour'. The only important thing is the best interests of your DD.

Surely as a loving parent he would want your DD living with him? What would you think of him if he told you he wasn't bothered?

LostDad I think you need to give her a break here. She's feeling upset and emotional and clearly needs some support. I think we can forgive a little if things aren't worded as we would prefer.

At the end of the day a good choice was made thanks to the OP being prepared to listen and to think about what is best and right for their child over and above their own personal feelings at this time. So I feel there's no need to let our personal circumstances get in the way and make her feel like she's in the wrong on top of everything else she's goign through.

Let's try and give her the support she clearly deserves and back off a little.

Gilly

No, you misunderstand me, Lostdad. He would love to have our dd living with him, he adores her. What I meant was that sometimes I feel as though it's all dandy for him - being a dad to dd and very much in her life and living the life of a single bloke as well, not having to deal with the practicalities and the hard bits of raising a child alone. But then I realise that he misses so much. I would hate to be in his position. I realise this is the position you're in, but by the sounds of it, this isn't something you've chosen. Xp has chosen to live apart from our dd, though, of course, he'd say it was all my fault .

I like Gilly's 'Gilly' sign off! It's very, er, Gilly .

In fact, I might start doing it myself

BNBH

Ha ha! I think Gilly's fab. She's really wise and kind and always a voice of reason. I've re-registered with MN recently, but always remember Gilly for her great advice. For some reason, I imagine her wearng horn rimmed specs and being surrounded by books, which I'm sure is way off the mark!

BNBH

Well I used to have horned rimmed ones, now they're kind of pinky purple as that seemed to be the current trend at the opticians. They looked at me like I was mad when I said I wanted ones like my old ones!

And i'm surrounded by paperwork not books. I have at least 2 years worth of filing on my desk! My poor keyboard barely fits on my desk.

So yup, spot on!

Gilly (or Gilly if you are Mutt)

Perhaps all you need are a few boundaries setting up.

For example if he wants to come round perhaps, he needs to see if it is convenient.

I think you need to separate your emotion from the contact and what is wrong is him thinking he can take you for granted is what I see from reading this thread.

Try to talk through a little more control but without limiting access as I think your situation is probably the ideal at the moment as far as your dd is concerned.

I have a friend whose x has open access and she ended up a little miffed because he didnt knock it made her feel taken for granted. It was a small thing but once sorted made a big difference.