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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

ExH wants to claim Child Benefit and Working Tax Credits for DS1- intimidating me.

36 replies

BobDowne · 19/06/2008 19:16

I just don't know where to start with this. Ex said in mediation he thought he should be able to claim for one of the children as this would make him feel more secure as a father So i said i would consider it after 2 months if he stopped using financial matters to threaten me with. He's started hassling me about it, accusing me of going against agreement. I would be much worse off if i let him do this - he says he will pay me back the money i lose out on and half of any extra for working tax credits. I just don't think i could trust him to give me the money - and what is the point then anyway? I know he hates me as i left him (wonder why?) and would probably enjoy seeing me have to move somewhere smaller. I'm far too pathetic to stand up to the arse, i just haven't got the strength anymore.

OP posts:
meemar · 19/06/2008 19:18

I'm confused - do the children live with you?

I don't understand his pov at all.

LadyMuck · 19/06/2008 19:19

Where do the children live?

peanutbear · 19/06/2008 19:19

If you have the children living with you its you who claims it because they take this into account for any benifits

MrsTittleMouse · 19/06/2008 19:19

Be very careful about child benefit. I don't know if you're a SAHM, but if you are then claiming CB means that your NI contributions are paid for your pension. Without the CB, there is no official record that you're not working because you're a carer.
I don't know what to do about the legal side of things though, it sounds awful. I'm sorry.

poppy34 · 19/06/2008 19:19

dunno what the rules are but can you actually do this as I am assuming if you claim dc have to live/be cared for by you for a proprortion of time.

are you still in mediation? if so bring it up there - does sound like he is bullying you - the money thing is completely different to the security thing (I am assuming by that he means access and contact with dc). things can be separate.
have you got a solicitor to talk this through or the CAB?

GrapefruitMoon · 19/06/2008 19:20

Wouldn't he be breaking the law to claim Child Benefit, etc if the children are actually living with you? Agree there is no point in him claiming it if he says he is going to give it to you anyway....

Have you got a solicitor because tbh it sounds like it's not going to be sorted out amicably by mediation...

expatinscotland · 19/06/2008 19:20

Is he the custodial parent? If not, then he can't claim CB and WTC for the child.

lou33 · 19/06/2008 19:21

he can only claim benefits for children living with him

dont agree

Lauriefairycake · 19/06/2008 19:21

so what you're saying is he once again wants you to rely on him giving you the money back. He wants to bully you and have yu over a barrel, he wants you beholden to him for money, he wants to control you.

Of course you can't trust him - that is a no brainer.

Do not give in and try and get more support/help, you sound really down about it all.

Hope you're ok

NotDoingTheHousework · 19/06/2008 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LadyMuck · 19/06/2008 19:22

Either of you can claim CB, but as Mrs Tittlemouse states if you are not working then claiming CB ensures that you remain entitled to a state pension.

The WTC position is more complicated. Are you both working?

MrsTittleMouse · 19/06/2008 19:25

Just seen lauriefairycake's message and that sounds very plausible. It would be something that he could really hold over you. I certainly need that money, and I'm sure that you do too. Could you go back to mediation? I can't believe that it was flagged up as a good idea in mediation in the first place!

BobDowne · 19/06/2008 19:33

Thanks for all the replies. We have joint parental responsibility, the kids stay week on/week off with each of us, though i see them after school on his week. He works, I'm not working at the moment. If i didn't get that money i would have to move somewhere cheaper as couldn't afford to top up the housing benefit anymore.
lauriefairycake - that's why i think he wants to do this, of course he makes out it isn't. But he wants to control me, always did. Now says i'm 'playing the victim'.

OP posts:
BobDowne · 19/06/2008 19:35

Mediation seemed to think it was a good idea! The way it was worded in our agreement was not what i had intended though, i didn't check it thoroughly enough. I only said i would consider it if i could trust him.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/06/2008 19:37

it's not legal if the kids are not living with him primarily.

poppy34 · 19/06/2008 19:40

have you signed agreement? if not reword it and send it back.. sadly the fact detail gets amended not at all uncommon.

also need to make it clear that money and your ex's "security" are two different things - not surprised you don't trust him esp when comes out with bonkers plans like this

BobDowne · 19/06/2008 19:44

I did sign it already, doh! I have suggested going back to mediation to discuss it. He's always coming out with bonkers plans, poppy34. I'm worn out with the thought of having to constantly deal with his crap for the next X number of years.

OP posts:
poppy34 · 19/06/2008 19:46

not so much of a mystery then why you are not together then bob

I'd go back - I know its not what you want but if you give into this, apart from fact it raises all the various money/legal issues other posters have said, it'll be the thin end of the wedge as he won't pay, will think of something else to bully you with so best to nip it in the bud.

BobDowne · 19/06/2008 19:52

Just had a text from him saying i should pull my finger out, time is ticking! Sounds like a threat to me...

OP posts:
poppy34 · 19/06/2008 19:54

keep the text then or make a note of it as need to keep notes of that kind of thing - and take no notice..

time is ticking til he does what?

yerblurt · 19/06/2008 20:21

I suppose it comes down to your ex's reasons for wanting to have the child benefit.

... if it's from a sense of equality - that the CB should be split between the two of you because you have a shared care arrangement in place and splitting the CB would reflect the equality of roles that both mother and father have in the children's lives then I would think that would be a good thing.

... of course, if his reasons are from an element of control then that would be a negative thing and I would question whether his motives are child-centric i.e. we share the care so we should be able to share the benefits and entitlements that CB extends.

You may find out that CB cannot be split. This is down to the rather out-dated system HMRC runs, basically the IT infrastructure cannot cope with a splitting of CB, this is a bit of an anachronism in this day and age when a large proportion of parents separation whether married or not. It's an either or with CB - you either are eligible or not. 99% of CB is in the mothers name as the CB application forms are usually in with the Bounty packs and HMRC routinely assume that the mother will be the prime carer, despite the changes in parenting patterns in this day and age.

for example, I have a shared residence order for my daughter - which the court has legally stated that both me and my ex-wife are equal parents in the eyes of the law, medical authorities, education authorities etc. I feel this is very important for my daughter as my ex can't control her parenting time with her father like she tried to, it sends out a very clear moral and legal message to everyone that my daughter has 2 fully equal parents in her life, it reflects the reality of her life. In fact, she lives with me for approx. 35% of the year. She has 2 homes of equal value.

Yet, when it comes to other matters such as CSA or child-benefit, I am deemed the "Non-Resident Parent", which I highly object to in principle and also it is totally at odds with our parental legal status. Why is this so? Because my ex is in possession of the CB.

Now I cannot make a claim for a portion of the CB, and thus I am not eligible for a whole raft of other benefits that my ex is, despite me, arguably having MORE expenses than my ex, I provide a bedroom for her at mine, and there is the associated costs such as a larger house, mortgage etc etc.

my motivation for wishing a reform of CB is from a sense of fairness and how it reflects the reality of the parents lives, especially the shared residence order status.

... I know that HMRC can split CB - this can be under circumstances such as:

  • if there are 2 children then one parent can claim CB for one child and the other parent can claim CB for the other child
  • if the children are in a shared care arrangement that is easy to administer i.e. one week-on, one week-off then the CB can be split between the parents

those are the only circumstances I can think of off the top of my head. As I say, I think the whole system of CB is a bit out of date now, as it is actually quite discriminatory in it's effect and also is quite a clumsy way to administer benefits which could be done via the income tax system. But that is another argument for another day.

... I think you have to first work out your ex's motives, if it's from a feeling or system of control then I would be very wary.

Any agreement that has been made at Mediation is not legally binding, although it would be assumed that you have agreed to what is in the final mediation agreement. Not having read it or realised what was in it is a poor excuse because it is your responsibility to check everything and presumably you are eligible for legal aid so could have it checked out by a solicitor. You would have to argue that that is not what you really agreed to and you felt pressurised by the ex or the mediator didn't fully explain things to you (if that is what happened)

... just my tuppence worth

gillybean2 · 19/06/2008 20:26

If you have a SRO and equal time it seems fair to me that you claim CB for one child each.

The children are spending equal time with you both and have two equal homes. If you claim for one child each then you both get the entitlement to the various knock on benefits that CB brings. (The right to council housing and of a suitable size, WTC and CTC etc)

However I can see why you are reluctant from a financial point of view. This is part of what is so wrong with the benefit system. Even if your child spends an equal amount of time with you and the other parent and you have a SRO only one of you can claim any benefits and that is the person who gets the CB. The other person has to pay maintenance too. CB is an unequal benefit.

If he is willing to compensate you for the loss bear in mind you will have to declare that money as income to the benefit people and they will reduce your benefit accordingly. So you won't actually be better (or the same as you are now).

He could still apply to have the CB transfered to him. He might have a case for one child given that you have a SRO and 50/50 time.

Have you thought about working at all to bump up your income?

I would suggest that you need to speak to him about this again. Say there seems to have been a misunderstanding and that you are willing to discuss it further with him but that you are not going to change the CB until things are discussed more fully.

Anything agreed at mediation isn't binding either. Unless you got it stamped at court..?

Gilly

BobDowne · 19/06/2008 20:30

I am very wary of him. If i felt i could trust him then fine, i agree in principle that it would be a good thing. But from the many things he has said and done before i just don't think i can trust his motives. He has recently threatened not to see the kids anymore at all, caused a great deal of distress to them. Would you trust him to have their best interests at heart yerblurt?

OP posts:
yerblurt · 19/06/2008 20:37

I'm really not in a position to gauge your ex's motives, as we are only hearing your point of view.

I don't mean to offend you, but that is the way it is.

If you have genuine fears that he is using the threat of using the CB as a financial lever to exert control then it has to be your call.

IMHO if one parent threatened not to see the kids anymore that would ring some alarm bells. Personally I would walk over hot coals for my daughter and going through the family courts was something akin to that.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/06/2008 20:40

You can have ctb and ctc split between parents at source.

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