How much “stuff” do you do with your kids?

[Squishymama]

I have one DD (10) who I have 50/50 custody with ExHB. I don’t have a lot of friends, even less friends with kids and me and her dad aren’t that amicable so we don’t really speak unless absolutely necessary. So I don’t have a lot of external references.

So, it’s the Easter holidays, I’ve booked a couple of days off work. And I feel like 80% of the time DD has been in her room watching tv, chatting to her friends, colouring or playing Roblox. I don’t mind exactly, because I’ve been able to do some gardening and chill watching tv myself but I can’t help but feel guilty and like I should be doing more “stuff”.

Money’s tight but I have suggested we go and do a couple of things but she doesn’t seem interested. She has asked what we’re doing tomorrow, but then when I’ve said we could go for a walk or to the shopping centre she just sort of pulls a face.

Is this normal for her age?!

Yes I do do lots of things

But my child sounds very different to yours. She would never do any of that. Unfortunately if I don't plan things it's like today and all goes to pot, she doesn't know what to do with herself has wasted hours and hours not doing anything and spent the whole day being stressed and acting stressed. And it's been a shit day

It's totally normal. My 10 year old would live in his room if he was allowed. It's so frustrating.

To be fair though, he does come out and enjoy himself when i 'make' him.

Doesn't need to cost a lot of money. I enjoy old castle's and he loves climbing so that's a win win.

Ask her for a suggestion?

I’m sorry that sounds tough ☹️

Alas her dad earns a shit ton and so if asked she’d probably want to do the types of things he does with her… which is stuff like a shopping spree in Sephora 😬

But I will try and think of something to “make” her have fun lol. Just wanted to check if it was expected or not.

I think it’s nice to go out esp Easter time

lambing days

esster egg hunt /trails etc at National trust

farm

park

school friend over

where does she go when you are working ?

We are like dogs and have to leave the house at least once a day. I love the holidays for going out and about. Easter egg trails, museums, national trust, ice cream, farms etc

My kids are are quite food-orientated and I find they're much more likely to be enthusiastic about a day out if there's something yummy on offer! So I plan a walk or a bike ride, but suggest a picnic lunch and ask what treats they'd like to accompany the sandwiches (choosing from cake, doughnuts, fizzy drinks etc...not particularly healthy, but it's only an occasional thing). Or a shopping or museum trip that included stopping at a cafe for hot chocolate. My DC are teens and this strategy still works - we've just got back from a family walk to a local beauty spot!

We do a lot with DD 6 and we also did a lot with SD when she was 10, but we only had her around half the holidays at that age so wanted to make the most of it.

She's 16 now and we still try and do stuff if we're off. Yesterday, the 4 of us went for a walk along the canal and had a pub lunch and then in the evening DH had to go out so we had a bit of girl time and made gel candles together.

We've been working today but will be leaving for a friend's birthday party soon.

Tomorrow, we're going to a petting farm with a friend of DDs.

I like to make the most of my days off.

Your Op almost reads like you don’t really know your DD
and that maybe you’ve lost a bit of confidence as a parent? - is this the result of 50/50 parenting? I am from the generation where this wasn’t the norm.

Firstly, as other posters have already stated, at 10 they like their own time, but, I think that this your cue to encourage her out of her room and time to spend some quality time together. I think you’ll be surprised, she might kick off initially but I bet once you get her out, be it for a walk or a wander around town that she’ll open up and enjoy her time with you. Just tell her what the plans are and do it!

She’s getting a bit old for farms/easter egg hunts, and as we don’t have anyone to go with a single mom with one kid we sometimes feel a bit of a spare part at parks and things. Feels like there’s us surrounded by families or groups of friends and all their kids.

And to be honest with the price of petrol I might need to find museums or national trust things closer to home.

She’s 10? My 9yr still enjoyed doing that

take a school friend with you if no friends with kids

My 13 year old ds is absolutely not interested in doing anything with me. His dad yes. Me not at all.

I think you’re right. I feel like she’s at an age where she’ll happily do a skincare routine and watch makeup tutorials but then I’ll also have to tell her to wipe chocolate off her face 😂 and that feels so alien to my childhood.

I think the lack of confidence does come from co-parenting, things aren’t amicable (he was emotionally abusive but in his defence a good dad and DD adores him) and basically I’m skint, I feel like all the “doesn’t have to cost a lot” options DD isn’t interested in, but then I can’t afford to spoil her like her dad does. Again I feel like she’s so different to how I was at that age.

I do sometimes wonder if she has ADHD, because her attention span is zero, if I suggest we pick a film on an evening, get a blanked and some snacks she will be up for it but then about 20 minutes in will be bored and want to watch something else or go upstairs.

She’s 10, but a late birthday so in year 6. I can promise you I’d like a day at a farm more than her 😂

Well, I think I’m off to demand she comes for a walk with me in the sunshine 😂

I think that you just have to lead the way and be confident in your convictions that you know what’s best for her, no second guessing it, just do it. If she gets bored and goes off, that’s fine, but just keep the consistency and let her know that you’re there if she changes her mind and wants to do something together. You’re clearly a good mum and need to stop doubting that.

They are an absolute nightmare and I’m scared it’s just going to get worse as they hit the teens 😀 Good luck! x

It's pretty normal. But it's also ok to insist she does stuff with you sometimes.

My daughter is a bit older at 14. She would happily just stay in her room if I let her, but today for example I insisted we went for a walk in the park, and insisted we played Scrabble! Even tho she didn't act massively keen on either idea, I think she does actually like it once we do the stuff.

I have kind of given up asking her to come up with ideas - I just sort of tell her what we are doing!

But don't feel bad for giving her a fair bit of down time over the holidays too. Kids work hard at school - they need some time to chill too.

Yeah I don’t think that’s doing much sorry, we try to go out somewhere every day.

1. Do you work full time?
2. How do you afford it?
3. Are you single?

Genuine questions. I don’t understand how you can.

Wow you asked for peoples opinions then get mad at them! Don’t ask for opinion if you don’t want people to comment you have your child 50/50 so have plenty of time to “chill!” Mine are with me 24/7

And btw days out dont have to cost money weve done tons of free things!! I don’t understand how you can’t afford to take your child out if you share 50/50 with your ex so have plenty of extra time to earn more money when she’s not with you and work extra hours!

I didn't think she came across as mad at people

She isn’t getting mad?

I honestly think everyone is vastly different. We get out a lot but my children are a fair bit younger and so Easter egg trails and farms and parks are still a lot of fun for them. I can see it’s harder with older children, especially in that funny preteen stage.

Ok… that escalated quickly!

I’m not mad… I don’t want more time to “chill”….

When I have DD and am lucky enough to be able to WFH I’m trying to juggle checking on her, making lunch, telling her to have a shower etc, when I’m trying to also do a full day of work, which usually means I work over. I work full time, I’m not entitled to any benefits, because custody is 50/50 I don’t get any maintenance. If I reduced my hours benefits wouldn’t top me up enough for me to continue to live, so full time it is!

Maybe I live in an expensive part of the country? Not sure.

Money is tight because, well, I’m sure you’ve seen the news. Stuff’s expensive, I do ok, I’m not on the breadline. I save a little every month for birthdays, Christmas, new school uniform, emergency fund for if the washing machine breaks. I budget so much a week for if for example I’m in the office and buy lunch, and then so much a weekend for, oh I dunno, McDonald’s, an ice cream at the park a bottle of wine from lidl but that doesn’t leave a lot left over for if DD wants to go to the local shopping centre or visit the safari park. Every day. When did stuff like that get so bloody expensive btw?

Yes not everything costs loads of money but as I’ve said somewhere previously stuff’s shot up so much that even how much I’m spending on petrol has made me hesitate to drive anywhere further than 20 minutes and where we live public transport isn’t amazing.

This wasn’t a post of how I’m skint and don’t like spending time with DD, but more should I be forcing her to do more stuff, and try and make her “have fun” with me when she’ll happily hide in her room for the entirety of the Easter holidays unless I let her loose with my credit card in Sephora.