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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go out as a "family" on Father's day

29 replies

popcorn123 · 15/06/2008 09:28

I left my husband about 6 weeks ago because of his emotional and sometimes physcial abuse. He doesn't accept my reasons for leaving are valid and wants me to come home.

I have made it clear that he can see the kids at any sensible time if arranged. HE has seen them twice - once arranged by his brother and once by his mum.

He has said that it is my duty to take him and the kids out for lunch today as it is father's day.
I don't want to see him. I have said he can have the kids today. He hangs up when I say I am not coming along. I have got a present and card for him from the kids.

He is unable to watch both kids himself and his mum has to help. She also feels I should make the effort to go out for the sake of the children.

I don't want to do this. I think he we use this as an opportunity to manipulate me and there will be huge tensions which will not be good for the kids.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Flamesparrow · 15/06/2008 09:29

No way!

They are being unreasonable. Stay strong

Freckle · 15/06/2008 09:31

Tell him you're spending the day with your dad.

charliecat · 15/06/2008 09:31

No you are not being unreasonable. You have offered him the children. That is more than reasonable.
See if you can sort out some regular access to them, tho it would be nice if he was pushing for it

Ses15 · 15/06/2008 09:32

YANBU!!

Do as you've suggested and take advantage of the time to give yourself a little treat and some "you time".

Stick to your decision!

belgo · 15/06/2008 09:32

YANBU! No way should you feel obliged to take someone who has been abusing you out for lunch! It's just a further example of his abuse that he's putting pressure on you to do this.

Original poster

popcorn123 · 15/06/2008 09:39

Thanks everyone.

Will phone him back and say that I will drop the kids of a x time and collect them at x. If he refuses because I won't be coming them it will be his loss.

OP posts:

nametaken · 15/06/2008 09:39

No YANBU - you have organised a card and a present and said the dcs could go to him and he still isn't happy!!!!! There just isn't any pleasing some people.

Original poster

popcorn123 · 15/06/2008 09:55

He has the landline phone off the hook and his mobile switched off. I have left a message asking him to phone me back to arrange a time to drop them off.
It will probably be like this all day.

I would love to arrange regular contact but how do you do it with someone like this?
I wil write a letter later but I suspect I will have to do it through solicitors.

OP posts:

nametaken · 15/06/2008 10:03

He's just spoiling things for himself - what will you and the dcs do now? Can you go and see your dad instead, all of you?

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 10:09

But arent you just so extremely glad you've left him? Look at his behaviour today! Childish and immature, using fathers day for emotional blackmail. Leave a voicemail, AND write him and email, or send him a text (for evidence) saying as you have tried to arrange for your dcs to spend fathersday with him, but he has not been facilitating this, you are now taking the dcs too see grandad instead.

ssd · 15/06/2008 10:17

take the kids out for the day instead just you and them

don't wait for him or wait for a reply

stuff him, he's a piece of work and with 2 kids you have enough work!

have you seen a lawyer yet?

agree with QS, thank God you've left him, not a moment too soon by the sound of it

Brigadoon · 15/06/2008 10:30

YANBU-It is Ftaher's Day, your presence is not necessary, especially as you are no longer together.
Just keep reiterating how much the children want to see him, and tell him again that he can see them on his own.
If he refuses, then his loss.
He is just trying to manipulate you.

Original poster

popcorn123 · 15/06/2008 10:40

Yes I know he is trying to manipulate me and now he has his mum on side is harder to resist.

I have left a message. If he gets back to me I will take dc's round. If not I won't as he will be in bed and the house will be a mess.

Yes we can spend the day with my dad with I will do that.

I have seen a lawyer before I left and got some basic advice. But I think I need to send him a lawyers letter saying it is definitely over as he hasn't got the message.

OP posts:

snotbuster · 15/06/2008 10:45

Glad you're not going - can't believe he says he's unable to take care of both of his own children! Sounds very sulky and immature, steer well clear as much as you can.

Anna8888 · 15/06/2008 10:51

YANBU.

Your H sounds incredibly immature and I am not surprised you got fed up with him. Stay strong

gillybean2 · 15/06/2008 11:03

You are no longer together, therefore the expectation taht you would do family things together is no longer relevant.

You have been more than fair. I would suggest you leave anotehr message and email saying that as you haven't heard back from him, and it is now past 11, you will have to assume he does not want to see the children today and you therefore have made alternative arrangements on how they spend this afternoon.

Definitely get fixed contact sorted so you and the children aren't left wondering and waiting and you don't leave yourself open to conversations about contact which can be twisted and used for other means.

Take care
Gilly

fawkeoff · 15/06/2008 11:49

YANBU and if he is going to punish the children by not spending the day with them because you wont have a "family" day out then fuck him....he doesnt deserve the card or present . You are doing the right thing, he is trying to manipulate you, spend the day with your dad sweetie x x x x

colander · 15/06/2008 12:05

Echoing the others, but does sound like he is continuing the emotional abuse by trying to manipulate you. Enjoy the day with your own Father.

Flightybitchreturns · 15/06/2008 12:11

He is a wanker, sorry but he really is - and a narcissistic one at that. WTF expecting you to play the 'Oh isn't daddy wonderful' game for him, when he has done nothing but let you all down - who is he trying to kid??

Bloody well done for leaving him. I would refuse to have contact as much as possible and just don't speak to his mum. Or speak to them on your terms, when YOU are feeling strong and have it very clear in your mind what you will agree to and what you won't.

My ex and his mum were like this too, I basically got strong, when he rang and asked 'what did I do that was so bad?' I said, well, would you like a list, there was that time..' and he said, 'No, no it's Ok'
Just stay very calm, confident (or pretend to be) and sure in your own mind that whatever they ask will be unreasonable, and be prepared to be very assertive. It worked for me, mine haven't really made contact in about a year. They don't like strong people because they can't bully them

Original poster

popcorn123 · 15/06/2008 13:04

He has just phoned again to say again that we should all go out. He says if he gets the dc's he will drive far away and I won't see them again because he hates giving them back. I explained that there is no difference in him giving them back and us leaving at the end of the lunch.

He is making feel unreasonable by saying that I am misleading everyone by saying we might get back together - I never said that, I said I would talk to him on neutral ground.

Yes flightybitchreturns he does behave like a narcissit and I don't think he believes he is unreasonalbe.

I will not back down but it really hard.

Need to take lessons in being tough,
.

Thanks for all you support,

OP posts:

Ses15 · 15/06/2008 13:15

Well done popcorn. You have obviously had a tough morning and really didn't need to use up your energies on this one.

He is obviously resorting to threats to try and get what he wants (or thinks he wants). You are the one behaving like an adult and taking into account what is best for you and the children.

I would defintely get some help in drawing up a letter to set things out clearly for him.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to show the strength you have shown thus far.

Flightybitchreturns · 15/06/2008 14:09

Gosh he is getting sillier and sillier! What awful behaviour, I am so glad you are no longer with this man, at least

Well done. Way to go. Please keep posting for support here, we will be only too glad to back you up on this.

Once he knows his threats are not getting through, he will possibly back off and go intimidate someone else...well, we can hope

MsDemeanor · 15/06/2008 14:45

If he is threatening to take the children and never give them back, and he has already proved to be violent in the past, this would really scare me. I wouldn't let him have the children, and I would try to get evidence that he is saying these things and I would go to my solicitor, explain what he is threatening and try to get an injunction to keep him away. He sounds very dangerous to me(as well as manipulative and infantile)

Flightybitchreturns · 15/06/2008 17:35

Good point Ms, I hadn't thought of it in the context of actually carrying out the threats - in fact if you contact Womensaid, Popcorn, they will advise you on how to keep a record of these conversations in case he ever applies for custody or even access - good reason for supervised only, I would think.

You'd be within your rights I believe and also prudent, to refuse any contact with the children unless you are present - in the light of what he has said.
Can you keep a recorder by the phone in case he repeats these threats?

He would have to fight hard in court to make you allow access, so I wouldn't let him have it on a plate if he is saying this stuff - no one would actually if there might be the smallest grain of truth in what he is saying.

Original poster

popcorn123 · 15/06/2008 19:55

He has said these things on and off since we split. Initially I was terrified as I thought he might get his mum on side to help him (as he wouldn't get involved in the day to day care). She said she wouldn't support such a thing although his mum told me he asked her last week to essentially take over the care of the children.

I have see them as empty threats but I will ask women's aid for advice. The lawyer I went to see told me to let her know if there was any possibilty he might do this.

I am very unhappy about the prospect of unsuperivsed visits. So far he has only seen them in the presence of someone who I believe puts the needs of the children before his, but I'm he he will want to see them on his own at some point.

I rarely left them with him when we were together as I didn;t trust him. He usually had something he would rather do so it was easy to ask GP's instead.

It is reassuring that everyone here sees him the I do, my family don't understand why we can't sit down and talk and they feel I should continue to support him in some way because he is struggling which I find very frustrating.

OP posts:

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