How do you get over the injustice?

[RobotsAreHere]

I know I will sound miserable but I really can’t stop hating my life and just feel like giving up. I am angry every day about how unfair it all is and the injustice.

My ex hasn’t seen our children in 2 and a half years. Meaning I am a parent to them full time. They all have different levels of sen. One hasn’t been in school for almost 4 years, battling the local authority for a special school but that isn’t happening, so she has a tutor 2 hours a day every day which I have to take her to and sit there and supervise it. After dropping my other child to school. Then my son is autistic and needs to be picked up early as he has anxiety and won’t leave school alone, so he needs collecting at 2.30. They now want my daughter to attend a mentor service which means another 2 hours a day sat there supervising it so 4 hours a day in total. I can’t work due to this so I’m always poor, yes I get what I’m entitled to and she gets dla but it doesn’t replace a wage. Father pays no maintenance. I have zero life, no friends as they all disappeared because I was no longer fun to them. Haven’t made any friends at the school as my children’s sen means they don’t have any friends, school have tried to encourage friendships but nothing develops. The other mums ignore me fine I don’t care but just explaining that I have no friends. My family don’t want to know. I can’t date and even though thats for the best because of how complicated my situation is it doesn’t stop the absolutely loneliness. People tell me im the winner and my ex is the loser but how exactly? My life is over. I am struggling to cope every day, they don’t sleep at night so I’m barely getting any sleep im lucky if I get any. Not getting a break means im tired and exhausted all the time so feel like that impacts on my children as I don’t have the energy for them. My son said im always tired, he said his friends dad plays games with him and does stuff with him but said you are too tired for any of that mum. Im left to parent solo, do all the cooking, cleaning, running around. I want my child at school not me having to sit and supervise every interaction she has. Meanwhile my ex gets to start life again as if they don’t exist, probably has a new child now which is why we haven’t heard from him in so long, pays no maintenance, can do what he wants when he wants how can someone have kids and just disappear off the face of the earth? No responsibility at all and im suppose to be grateful for that? If I wanted to raise kids alone I would have used a donor. Yet im suppose to feel like the winner? And people tell me im lucky I get to have my kids full time? Well maybe if they were easy kids but I didn’t expect to still need to supervise a teenager or have a teenager that hasn’t been to school for 4 years, or still need to collect a teenager from school because he is too anxious to go anywhere alone. I love my children of course but this isn’t a life. How do you get over the injustice of it all?

Hi OP, Congratulations on the terrific job you are doing of looking after your kids in such difficult circumstances ❤️. I was in a similar situation, although not as challenging - sole parenting from 2yo onwards with minimal input from XP. Even in a better situation it is was incredibly hard, so I have huge sympathy for you - sounds like your caring responsibilities will continue for some time given your DC's needs.

In terms of practical steps, is there any more you can do to pursue your ex for maintenance? Are you in touch with him at all? Also, to help with your loneliness, are there any support groups for parents in a similar situation to you i.e. with nd teenagers? Could you go on the waiting list for counselling to deal with your (entirely justified) feelings of rage?

That sounds incredibly hard, OP.

I'm not sure you can 'get over' the injustice because you're right. It is unjust. Totally unfair. What an absolute bastard.

Your ex is an absolute disgrace of a man. How he could do this to his family and sleep at night, I do not know.
I was left with two small children and little support (not on your level) and I started going to church - it helped me to heal. I appreciate that this might not be what you personally want to do but I found it comforting. Praying has also helped massively.
An alternative would be to reach out to charities like Homestart, and carers charities so you have people to talk to and potentially arrange to some respite care.

Oh OP. That sounds so so hard. I cannot even imagine how difficult your life is. He is an absolute arsehole and you are incredible.

It is completely unjust. I was going to give an example of something that happened to me when I started reading but it totally pales into insignificance.

Have a hug and know you are an amazing woman ❤️

How is their father getting away without paying maintenance? Is there anything you can do to pursue this?

Snap. My anger is at my LA as well as my ex. Kids out of school rips family apart and society judges us benifit scum single mums when that’s not our choice.

get a disability social worker and see if they will allocate some restbite hours?
if you have to supervise the tutor etc then you are being used as 1:1 call EHCP review and get LA to supply that and transport. You won’t get theses things without complaint and tribunal as you know but it’s possible.

Hi OP
I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
I am not a lone parent but have a DD who is profoundly disabled - so I’m going to suggest some things I’ve learned tried from my experience.

1. Get in touch with Homestatt as a pp suggested- it’s company for a little bit (they can watch DC or play with them while you rest or do housework.
2. Get onto your local Social care and get a disability social worker- here’s why.. they can help with respite (PAs for 6 hours in term time and 10 in holidays). Use agency if you need to to make it easier - they source the PAs - PAs can take DC out for activities, you can rest.
3. Push the social worker for overnight respite- I’ve yet to get any but it’s area dependent. A good night’s sleep will help.i can’t emphasise how shit bad sleep is to people who don’t have kids who are awake most of the night (DD is dreadful!).
4. It might seem counterintuitive but try to do something energetic- walking (even with the DC present) - zoo trips, parks, whatever works. Again the age old wisdom that exercise and fresh air helps.
5. Can you catch up on sleep when they’ve gone to school? If you can’t manage the mentoring activity can anything be arranged with school to help your DD get to it.?
6. Chase your ex via CMS?
7. if there are local groups for SEN children (in my experience they are great for ASD/ADHD but not physical disability) see can you get all DC to attend - even if you just sit there while they do activities and read or scroll your phone, it’s different environment.
8. Join Carer’s UK (I hope you are registered as a carer - if not make sure you are!) and attend coffee mornings/afternoons even by phone or online - it’s human contact. I stayed away from everything like that because I was so exhausted (partly with DD but partly from PTSD after an assault so I know how absolutely awful such things seem but any groups I took DD to was a help - the kindness of others can be very welcome at times!).
9. if none of the above are appealing are there activities you could feel up to - library visits (when they have activities), local church or other groups - often the much hated Facebook has groups advertised you wouldn’t hear about otherwise. It’s why I’m still on Facebook.
10. Last but not least do something nice for yourself every day.

I know none of that fixes your cunt ex and the unfairness. I know it isn’t the same as having friends or a good night’s sleep or a job (I’ve been down many of these roads myself over the past 8 years). if there is any way to get CMS onto him, do it.

You are not wrong op, it is incredibly unfair. Whilst you can’t force anyone to be a parent, I would like the government to step up in situations like this. He has ruined your life by leaving it all to you and there should be a consequence for that. But for you, for now, hang in there, head held high that you are doing the right thing, if they’re teenagers now they’ll be adults soon.

You are extraordinary in having managed so far. What a wonderful mother you are to have kept going. I cannot add anything but think there has been some good advice to follow up (if you haven’t already) especially in@FrightfulNightfull ‘s post.

Sorry OP I was getting DD to school when I replied.
Is it your DD who is at home and does the mentoring sessions?
Its absolutely ludicrous she hasn’t got a school place.
Has she got an EHCP?
Uou need to ring your local social services and tell them you are at breaking point - tell them you need urgent respite and as per my above post, a social worker assigned to the children.
You can’t go on not getting even basic rest.
What are her specific needs that have her out of school or that require monitoring so closely? She needs a PA/1-1 for school at the very least.
DM me if you don’t want to reply here and I can go over what I did and go to get help for DD

Thanks all. My ex doesn’t work so there is no maintenance to claim, I could claim £7 a week but it isn’t worth it and he hasn’t worked in a decade so it’s not a case of claiming in hope he will get a job as that isn’t going to happen. They are teens but will never be independent especially my daughter she will never be able to live alone and I will likely be caring for her for the rest of my life. She’s been allocated a tutor 10 hours a week, and mentor 10 hours a week but I can’t do both as there is no way to do it without it clashing, I don’t want to decline help but they want me to bring her to the mentor every single day and it will take me 2 buses to get there and I won’t be able to make it and pick up my other Children from school so I will have to decline the help offered because I’m one person and can’t make both. Feel like im letting her down as she would really benefit from the mentoring.

I wonder if the organisation ‘Homestart’,
https://www.home-start.org.uk/pages/category/things-we-can-help-with
might be able to help with a vetted volunteer to take her for the Mentoring?

I should think there would be retired people willing and able to volunteer in this way.

Thank you, she does have a ehcp but there is no school named on it only setting type mainstream. Local authority won’t accept she needs a specialist and have said she is fine in mainstream, im not sending her to a mainstream school so they have forced me to go to tribunal. Which I’ve waited a year for. It is in march but the special school have said she isn’t suitable for the school so now im stuck as there are no other suitable schools (I’ve looked at as many as I can) so she will likely be home indefinitely now. The special school also declined her due to the amount of time she’s been out of school. The LA has maintained that she is fine in mainstream.

She has high support needs particularly around emotional regulation so I think that would be too overwhelming for someone retired they would probably struggle to manage her behaviour. My mum use to take her out but she became too much for her and she couldn’t keep up with her.

Claim the £7 per week. That is over £6.5k over 18 years. More for longer.

DC1, section 19 of the Education Act 1996 places a duty on the LA to provide a suitable, full-time education for CSA pupils unable to attend school. You cannot be compelled to facilitate the provision by remaining to supervise. The LA will tell you they can’t provide transport, but they can. You need to push back on all this, using legal channels including JR if necessary. Section 42 of the Children and Families Act 2014 also places a duty on the La to provide anything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP.

Is the SS wholly independent? If not, the school objecting doesn’t mean they can’t be named.

For DS, have you applied for transport? And challenged a refusal if you have been refused? Does have an EHCP too?

Have you requested social care assessments?

Have you looked at your local short breaks offer?

I have no idea, OP. I think it should be punishable by prison for one parent to stop having any input (financial, emotional, practical support) if they consciously made the decision to have children. Obviously it would be impossible to enforce.

I think there’s got to be pressure put on the LA OP. If there’s no named school yet - is it because she can’t, for lack of a better phrase, regulate her emotions and behaviour? Does she understand how it affects you and her own well-being (I appreciate the variance in ASD/ADHD as my DD is nonverbal and probably has ASD (along with her other disabilities)?
I really feel for you because I’ve been in that zone of loneliness and hopelessness for years (a year ago I started a part-time 10 hours a week job just to get out of the house - it’s a basic job with shit pay but as it’s in a school I have kids who chat nicely along with the rest of the grind but it’s given me a tiny bit of independence and energy and takes my mind off the daily grind).
Can she interact with talk about what would suit her school-wise?

Could mainstream plus 2-1 work?

No she doesn’t understand she can’t hold a conversation she has limited understanding. She can speak but extremely delayed and still under speech and language therapy she mainly speaks by using echolalia she can answer simple and basic questions but can’t expand on them. I will not consider any mainstreams schools at all and they have not been able to name any that have said they can meet needs but the special schools are also saying no which is why we are where we are. The pressure i put on them was demanding a tutor and they offered a mentor as stated but I can’t facilitate that as I can’t collect my other kids from school and drop and collect her from the mentor it just wouldn’t work. My son doesn’t need transport as his school is less than 10 minutes walk away it just means I need to be available for that time every day which makes it restrictive as obviously most teens are able to come home alone but he isn’t but transport would not be appropriate due to how close it is he just isn’t able to walk it alone due to his anxiety.

To be fair, with everything you’ve got on you’ve still taken the LA to tribunal, so fair play to you. A lot of parents don’t do it & your still fighting them despite how things are.

i think pp is right, it’s not up to you to facilitate what the LA are offering, they want it supervised? They need to pay someone. But I appreciate actually getting things out the LA is yet another battle, with sometimes no reward anyway.

Have social care done an assessment? Not that I personally found them any good (they admitted my teen had care needs but wouldn’t fund), but every LA is different, so yours might offer support. I think this is your best avenue tbh, especially if her care needs mean she will need care for life.

in regards to the father, I know exactly how you feel. My kids father doesn’t work, won’t pay the measly £7 per week, yet here I am working, running everything else, with kids with significant SEN. It’s unfair, but life ain’t fair. All you can do is figure out how to improve your circumstances as they are. It’s not like he’s going to have a great life sat on benefits for a decade.

If you wanted to, you can go back to the LA and challenge them on the requirement for you to remain present during DD’s AP. They cannot compel you to do that by law. You don’t have to accept that. You can to push back, including legally if necessary.

The short distance doesn’t make transport inappropriate. The statutory walking distance does not apply for applications under the SEN &/or disability route. Transport would relieve the pressure on you a little.

In case you aren’t aware of the case law for your appeal, while it is sometimes possible for only a type of placement to be named, case law dictates when LAs name MS as type, they should normally name a specific placement - MH v Hounslow [2004] EWCA 770.

@mydaughterisademon if you wanted social care support but the LA refused, you could request assessments again. Then, if refused, you can complain, ask for an ‘independent’ review, then complain to the LGO. Depending on specifics, JR may be possible. If DC has an EHCP and you have to appeal the education side of things related to an EHCP, you can ask SENDIST to also look at social care provision, getting an independent social worker assessment if necessary (if you can’t afford independent assessments and you aren’t eligible for legal aid, there are some charities who can sometimes help fund them).

Thanks for the advice. The issue with JR is finding a solicitor who accepts legal aid (as it’s on behalf of a child they are covered by legal aid).

I’m at appeal stage anyway, so I’ve asked them to look at health and social care.

@mydaughterisademon yes, finding someone to take the case often takes persevere. If it is something you need to do/decide to do in the future, it can be worth it.

I didn’t mean to abandon the thread OP - I’m just exhausted by lack of sleep!
I understand the issues better now - no way I’d put my DD being nonverbal (never mind her physical disabilities) in a mainstream secondary school.
Do you know where your ex is?
Id be hammering on CMS door to chase the useless fucker.
You need help somehow - I understand why Homestart wouldn’t necessarily be a great fit (but maybe drop an enquiry anyway? - see if there’s anything they can offer - they were involved when my DD was a baby. They sent lovely elderly lady (bless her she told me the same story five times). She was a bit of company (but I was too exhausted in those days to engage much).
Other than that I can’t think beyond what I’ve suggested but please keep chatting to us on here if it helps.
thinking of you

I think you’re doing a great job despite the lack of support and resources. As others have suggested I’d fight for a paid assistant to attend these sessions with your daughter, you are being used as a free worker when you have other things to do with your other children. I would also go to CMS about getting that £7 per week maintenance, out of spite if nothing else. It will at least remind your ex what a pathetic waste of space he is.

You are most likely depressed as well as sleep deprived, again this is not surprising given what you’ve been through and are still going through. Please look back over the advice given above and look into the resources mentioned, respite hours would make a big difference for you and to be fair you deserve a break (even if it’s just long enough to take a nap, it’s better than nothing)

God bless you and well done on getting this far 💛

Thank you, I have looked into it since and no she isn’t entitled to any assistance with this and the expectation is I supervise it due to safeguarding. They did provide some mentors to come down and take her out but they unfortunately quit after 2 sessions. It is difficult and I find myself dreading it every day especially as the placement is breaking down anyway tutor keeps referring to DD as aggressive and ending the sessions early so not sure how much longer it will continue anyway. 😔