I know I will sound miserable but I really can’t stop hating my life and just feel like giving up. I am angry every day about how unfair it all is and the injustice.
My ex hasn’t seen our children in 2 and a half years. Meaning I am a parent to them full time. They all have different levels of sen. One hasn’t been in school for almost 4 years, battling the local authority for a special school but that isn’t happening, so she has a tutor 2 hours a day every day which I have to take her to and sit there and supervise it. After dropping my other child to school. Then my son is autistic and needs to be picked up early as he has anxiety and won’t leave school alone, so he needs collecting at 2.30. They now want my daughter to attend a mentor service which means another 2 hours a day sat there supervising it so 4 hours a day in total. I can’t work due to this so I’m always poor, yes I get what I’m entitled to and she gets dla but it doesn’t replace a wage. Father pays no maintenance. I have zero life, no friends as they all disappeared because I was no longer fun to them. Haven’t made any friends at the school as my children’s sen means they don’t have any friends, school have tried to encourage friendships but nothing develops. The other mums ignore me fine I don’t care but just explaining that I have no friends. My family don’t want to know. I can’t date and even though thats for the best because of how complicated my situation is it doesn’t stop the absolutely loneliness. People tell me im the winner and my ex is the loser but how exactly? My life is over. I am struggling to cope every day, they don’t sleep at night so I’m barely getting any sleep im lucky if I get any. Not getting a break means im tired and exhausted all the time so feel like that impacts on my children as I don’t have the energy for them. My son said im always tired, he said his friends dad plays games with him and does stuff with him but said you are too tired for any of that mum. Im left to parent solo, do all the cooking, cleaning, running around. I want my child at school not me having to sit and supervise every interaction she has. Meanwhile my ex gets to start life again as if they don’t exist, probably has a new child now which is why we haven’t heard from him in so long, pays no maintenance, can do what he wants when he wants how can someone have kids and just disappear off the face of the earth? No responsibility at all and im suppose to be grateful for that? If I wanted to raise kids alone I would have used a donor. Yet im suppose to feel like the winner? And people tell me im lucky I get to have my kids full time? Well maybe if they were easy kids but I didn’t expect to still need to supervise a teenager or have a teenager that hasn’t been to school for 4 years, or still need to collect a teenager from school because he is too anxious to go anywhere alone. I love my children of course but this isn’t a life. How do you get over the injustice of it all?