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Original poster

Don't know if I should put it here or in relationships, but it seems my new DP's ex is having problems moving on

39 replies

Pinkchampagne · 11/06/2008 22:24

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it is a little.

My DP has been separated from his ex wife for over 2 years now, and we have been together 10 months. I love him to pieces - he is the best thing that has happened to me, but it seems his ex wife isn't over him at all.

A month or so ago on what would have been their anniversary, he got a text (I was sat next to him as we were on our way back from France) saying "I am feeling a bit sentimental, how about we meet for lunch some time?"
He text straight back & said he didn't think it was appropriate as he was with me now, and she left it at that.

It has been way over 2 years since they separated & he phoned her about what they were going to do with the house (they have a house they are renting, which will be hers once the divorce is sorted), and she asked questions about how serious he was with me, then went on to say how she still has feelings for him & wishes she had spoken to him a year back. She then got all emotional & they couldn't discuss the house etc.

My DP tells me she can't threaten our relationship at all etc, but I can't help but feel very uncomfortable about it all.
Am I being silly here?

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/06/2008 22:41

I am guessing that maybe I am. I just feel a little uncomfortable that she clearly isn't over him at all. He asked if she had met anyone, and she said "No I can't"

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lou33 · 11/06/2008 22:54

she may not be over him pc, but h e seems very clear that he is with you now, so i would try not to worry too much

Carmenere · 11/06/2008 22:59

God no, don't worry fgs, if there was anything to worry about he wouldn't be talking to you about it.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/06/2008 23:05

I guess you're right. I felt a little threatened I guess, but like you say, he is being very honest with me, and I shouldn't really lose any sleep over it.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/06/2008 23:06

It's just that they were married for 10 years, and she clearly isn't over him at all.

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lou33 · 11/06/2008 23:10

want me and carmenere to have a quiet word?

Youcannotbeserious · 11/06/2008 23:10

I can see why you would feel a bit uncomfortable, but I think you have to look at what your DP is doing...

Neither you or he can take responsibility for her behaviour - why did they separate?

It sounds a lot like a chap I know - he and his 'wife' are living separate lives and, what's more ironic, it was her initiative, but she wants to come to all family functions and occasions and seems desperate not to 'lose' him or for him to move on without her. We're at a loss to understand what it is she really wants!

I think as long as you and your DP are happy, and your DP has some agenda to actually get divorced, then you haven't anything to worry about.

I would (my personal opinion) worry more if your DP was pandering to her... but that's just my view..

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/06/2008 23:17

When she asked about us, he was pretty honest & told her we had been together 10 months, then when she asked if he was happy, he apparently said "yes"
She then asked if he was in love, and he said "I am not answering that question"

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 11/06/2008 23:18

They separated because he couldn't cope with her moods anymore.

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fawkeoff · 12/06/2008 00:17

sorry but i dont think there is a time span of getting over somebody......you have had first hand experience with your EXH and your family. Some people never really get over somebody, and may always love them for the rest of their lives.......she may well have thought that deep down they would eventually get back together, and the reality has sunk in that it more than likely wont happen. Nobody knows what life is going to throw at us around the corner, but there is no point in queationing the situation, whatever happens happens. just try to keep a good mental attitude and trust what he says to you....he may not want to tell her that he loves you out of respect

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 12/06/2008 08:24

I know that, FO. I don't know why I feel so uneasy about it all really. I feel very slightly threatened by it, but not sure why as I don't really have any reason to.

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fawkeoff · 12/06/2008 09:00

I suppose it's normal to feel threatened....you have found someone who makes you happy, and has a good relationship woth the DC......and they like him back ...... I feel its going to be highly unlikely they will get back together pink, just have a bit of faith

zippitippitoes · 12/06/2008 09:08

sorry you are finding this hard

i can see that her being in touch with your bf is making waves and she is a bit remiss for doing it i think after this time

she may have prob lems moving on and still have strong feelings for him but she should be keeping them to herself as really there are no ties between them now except technical ones

they don't have children so i think no reason to be ever in contact wioth each other again once the divorce and house are settled

is that iminent it qwould help if it was wouldnt it

it sounds like he is doing his best which is good

he needs to be firm tho and tell her that it is not good for her to contact him and she must stop

gillybean2 · 12/06/2008 09:21

It can be very hard to detatch completely and not to think about what might have been. If something significant is happening, like finalising the arrangements over the house, then that might trigger all kinds of reactions in her.

There are lots of posts on here about how hard it is too move on, and how difficult it is grieving for the life you now don't have. Plus ime some women really do think they'll be better off on their own, and when the reality of being a single parent with no time for yourself, no money, no social life etc hits home you see that actually things weren't quite so bad after all! When they see their ex moving on with his life, finding someone new, being happy with someone new when they weren't happy with each other, it's all the harder. He can do it for her, why couldn't he do it for me might be going through her head.

Your dp sounds like he's doing all the right things being clear with her, and telling her as much as she needs to know. You have to trust him on some level, but definitely talk to him about it if you have issues or find it difficult. Course he might then decide not to tell you if it's upsetting you, which might be worse!

Honesty and trust are the keystones to any relationship. Keep talking to each other and you'll be fine. I think you have to accept she is finding it hard but that your dp has moved on and is with you and you have to trust him on that one. It could eat you up and damage your relationship if you don't.

Take care
Gilly

Tinkerbel6 · 12/06/2008 12:17

PC I don't think that you have anything to worry about as he has been open about this and hasn't hid it from you, I would say though do keep your wits about you as some ex partners can turn a bit weird when they find out that their ex has moved on.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 12/06/2008 17:23

That was my thinking, Tinkerbel. I can see her being quite difficult & turning on the tears everytime he tries to talk about the final arrangements before the divorce, so she can avoid it.

He actually phoned her in an attempt to find out what she wanted to do with this house, but she got too emotional, so he didn't get very far at all.
She wanted to get how she was feeling off her chest apparently, but this caused her to get very emotional, and she then couldn't talk.

He needs to find out what she wants to do with the house (hold onto it or sell) before starting the divorce process.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 12/06/2008 17:30

It will be easier once the divorce is done, zippi.
Didn't bother me that he wasn't yet divorced at first, but now she is getting like this, I do find it unsettling, and will be happier when she is out of the picture more.

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BrownSuga · 12/06/2008 17:38

DH's ex was/is like this, she even tried to stop their divorce by writing a letter to the court. (and their split was at her instigation). And then trying to get hime back 6 weeks before our wedding. They were talking the other day on the phone and she was saying how hard it was to talk to him (as she'd been going to others behind his back on a matter), she didn't know why, it wasn't hate . We have moved countries to have a break from it as every couple of months she would flare up, as if just to stay in his life a bit more than necessary. She is also remarried with another child and another on the way.

So even though the ex may be in this state of regret, you have to trust your DP/DH that they are with you and that is what they want, moving forward, not looking back.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 12/06/2008 17:45

I do trust him, but I don't trust her. I do think she will continue to do things like this, and will make the divorce less straightforward than it could be. I could be totally wrong, but from the little I have picked up from her messages etc, I have a bad feeling about it all.

That must have been a nightmare for you, BrownSuga!

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glitterfairy · 12/06/2008 17:51

It is hard to get over things PC as we both know but that really isnt your problem.

I also think that after what you have been through you will feel unsettled about potential hurt to all involved and you have behaved so well trying to keep everyone in your life from being upset that it is clear that you dont like conflict (really who does).

But you deserve this and he has been honest and clear with you which is the important thing. I know that after all I have been through any little thing from new man I start getting upset about and he keeps saying dont change just because you were treated badly and dont lose trust but it is soooooooo hard!

Big hug it will be fine.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 12/06/2008 18:37

He knows that I am a little bothered by it all, and said "you would rather I told you though, wouldn't you?" which of course I would.
He could tell that I wasn't quite myself last night though, but I gave myself a good talking to, and tried to get into the "she really isn't a threat" frame of mind.
It is hard when it is the ex wife of 10 years piling on the emotional stuff big time, and I am just the new girlfriend who has only been around for 10 months. I just can't help but feel a little uneasy about it all, much as I shouldn't.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 12/06/2008 18:42

GF - I am with you totally on the upset thing. You have your guard up just that little bit more, and can feel upset quite easily.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 14/06/2008 15:44

Saw DP last night & he reassured me that I have nothing to worry about. He is happy with me and would never be tempted to go back to her, so I guess I shouldn't be feeling too threatened.

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Freckle · 14/06/2008 15:50

Just remember that he parted from her because of her moods, so don't let him see that this is bothering you. Also, although you say that it is her behaviour which is bothering you, he could read it as you not trusting him.

He's been very open with you about it all, so just relax and trust him to do the right thing - which isn't going to involve his ex!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 14/06/2008 16:08

Yes, you're right, Freckle. He did say he wouldn't feel too great if it was the other way round & my ex was behaving in the same way though.

I do totally trust him. I felt a little uneasy that she was indicating she would like to give things another go, but he has been clear that this isn't going to happen, so I should just relax & not worry too much.

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