Birthday party invite with high conflict ex...

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I think i just need reassurance and a plan of action for when the kids return... help!
7 and 3 year old, 7 year old has their birthday party in a few days during my time that I have organised. Kids told their dad yesterday about it, so 35 mins after being dropped off at our neutral handover location I receive a message from dad saying that our 7 year old wants to invite daddy, daddy's girlfriend and daughter and 2 other people who the kids have never mentioned.
Now I know from previous patterns that dad's behaviours are escalating again recently, that the first thing the kids will say to me when they come home, probably as they walk over from his car is 'can daddy come to the party?'
I can't have him there. The CAO states he is extremely emotionally abusive to me, I am not safe around him, and in the last week alone he has accused me of parental alienation and poisoning both kids, and threatened court again. Having dad there opens up my kids having to experience that high conflict coparenting which I don't want, but also my family and all the kids who have been invited.
So what do I do? Do I bite my tongue and give him the invitation? Or do I stick to my gut instinct of daddy can plan a party for his time with the kids?
The only time we spend together is for medical appointments for one child, and dad invited himself to spend the day with us a few weeks ago after the appointment and I had to say no. Eldest was so upset and I was the bad guy, was I wrong?
I will be blamed, the kids will be angry with me, I don't know what to say so I don't speak negatively of their dad or put them in the middle. He speaks negatively about me around the kids and the court said that he wouldn't support a positive relationship with me which limited his time. Help!

This is tricky as I know you don't want to upset the children i really think you should stand firm and say he and his entourage are not invited. If you give him an inch he will take a mile. The children will get over it and your mental health is important. Good luck

Don't invite. Going forward maybe consider parties at home. That's what I did for several years, old fashioned party food and a magician. Even better was making them joint parties with a classmate as had back up then from the other involved family. Good luck, it does get easier eventually.

Dont invite and tell the children. That this party is in mummy time and dad is not invited but they can plan something with dad to celebrate.

I would go with whatever the children want theot birthdays are gping to be hard enough as it is without putting this on them, they are stuck in the middle of this now so miminise the impact as much as possible but doing what they want to do

You don’t invite and you tell DC “the judge says Daddy can’t be around Mummy”.

Assuming they actually bring it up and this isn't just the ex planting this....

'Oh no you'll see daddy later on and do something with him. This is mummy's time.' or something equally breezy.

Does the ex know where the party is? Can he crash it and make things difficult anyway? Do you have some large friends who can be on hand to act as bouncer?

I'm imagining all sorts including the ex taking credit for the party so he doesn't have to put effort/expense in himself.

Do you have anything in place per the court order formally regarding parties or interacting with the ex? Eg exchange in public place or something else which indicates minimal face to face contact?

I think it’s really important to tell children, in an age appropriate way, the truth about what is going on. It’s easily done without calling the other parents names. I’ve been limitedly open with my children about why I can’t be around their abusive Dad and now as young adults they see it all very clearly themselves. I think we do our children a disservice by not being honest with them and not enabling them to recognise the behaviours and manipulation thus allowing them to protect themselves once the abuser turns on them - as they always do.

It's a hard NO.

I remember being sent on a parenting course which was horrendous for me because I had been in a high conflict emotionally abusive relationship with my ex and the court proceedings treated us equally (even though he was the one sending barrages or abuse .etc)

There was a video specifically about this as part of the course. Where the exh came to a birthday party organised by mum and the child in the middle saw the conflict and felt the atmosphere. It is NOT in anyone's best interest.

Exh just wants to control things.

Just state firmly that it is not in your child's best interests and your child is looking forward to celebrating with him on his time.

As awful as this sounds, you need some people on board with you, who can tell him to leave if he shows up.

He will still find a way to make you the bad guy, even if you allow him to come. There will be some attempt to undermine you, or change the day, and your children will have to witness it.

Stand firm OP, it's a case of choosing your conflict unfortunately. Being firm this year means next will be easier though. Letting him come this year means next will be the same.

Keep the explanation simple for your kids "this is a party for your friends and family at mummy's house. Daddy can celebrate with you at his house." They'll be coached by him to ask you to change your mind, so prepare simple answers for that. "I know you love spending time with your dad, and you can celebrate with him at his house. Now would you like chips for dinner or mash?"

Thank you so much for this, sometimes i doubt myself and ideally would just give the kids whatever they want!
CAO says he is extremely emotionally abusive to me, and that all handover must take place at a supermarket carpark with CCTV and handover definitely can not at either school or nursery.
I have fairly recent messages from ex saying he is wearing a bodycam to handover because I am dangerous, abusive, but he isn't filming me, he is filming the kids... yep.
I will have some family there, my brother and SIL who my ex now hates, will support.
It is in the same place the birthday party was 2 years ago (we had just split up but still living together), in a school hall. So I do have that dread that he could just show up, and it would just be a matter of asking him to leave and then calling the police. Hopefully not making a scene!
@wantmorenow home parties sound like the way to go!
@Cerialkiller I definitely think the worst with him. If the kids tell him we did anything, like the cinema- he tells them he paid for it. Because CMS now take directly from his oay, he pays for everything, I pay for nothing.
@Sequinsoneverythingplease I think i need to figure out that age appropriate way because his story is being heard, and my eldest thinks I need to get over it and move on... I need to figure out that line of what is age appropriate and what is too much! They are so young. But I agree, honesty is inportant.
@skiingbananacat this really resonated, I can't do anything right in his eyes so I'm choosing what is right for me and the kids. He's not invited.

Thank you for this. Still working on going with my gut, but that mum guilt is so real.

Now I need to work on how to share with the kids that it is not safe for me to be around dad... but age appropriate. If anyone has any tips!

My 3 year old keeps asking me do i love daddy? I've said do you love him? That is what matters, I've said i love that you enjoy spending time with him...etc. But she is now so hell bent that I should love daddy and wanting a yes or no answer. But then says daddy definitely doesn't love mummy. 😔 they know too much about the conflict, but in a not helpful way.

Might spend some of today working out how to word these things! The questions will likely build as they get older, I am not prepared.

Right. So it sounds like he will claim credit regardless of coming it sounds like.

I would make it very clear in a text or email that he can't come and isn't welcome. Ensure it's a format that he can't delete so you have it as evidence. Even better if the new wife gets the message too so she isn't blindsided (is she any more reasonable?)

With your history I would be surprised if the police wouldn't respond if he arrived. I do not know if anyone can advise about contacting 101 and if speaking to the police with ulf be appropriate.

If you feel able I would confide in some of the other parents you trust about ex threatening to come so they are in a position to support you and you won't feel unable to act to avoid causing a scene? I have a couple of fierce mums who I would be happy to let know, what about you?

This sounds like something my ex would do.
Home parties definitely for future. I would say no and suggest he do something with them either later that day or on his own time.
As someone said give ppl like that an inch they will take a mile.

You should be proud of yourself for holding strong OP!

Definitely reply in writing to have it confirmed you will be doing separate events. Something simple but firm like "You and your guests will have a chance to celebrate with DD during your custodial time with her. I'll be doing a separate event for her."

If he does turn up and make a scene, he will try paint you as the bad guy to the DC. It would help if you have a neutral third party to intervene and escort him away - would your brother & SIL be comfortable in this role?

It sounds like you're doing a great job communicating with your DC now but they won't be little forever. Keep a folder of all his assholeness - there may be a time in the future it's suitable or needed to show them.

Definitely tell him that no, he and his entourage can’t come.

How do you communicate? Have you tried the Co-parenting Wizard app? It’s court-approved.

i really feel for you. He sounds like a complete bastard, twisting things to make the kids upset. He needs to grow the fuck up.

Yes, we use Our Family Wizard, I refused to back down from that one which I am glad of as his messages were used in court to show his antics. I couldn't have done this without OFW, turning off the notifications has been a life saver.
Brother and SIL will be in charge of the door, I've spoken to the other mums and dads of the kids I know extremely well and who already supported me with statements for court so they already know what he is like. Also going to use a board to block the main door which is fully glass so that if he arrives the kids won't be able to see!
I will respond to his message tomorrow once the kids are back with me. Try and not rile him up before handover as the kids get the brunt of it.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It's really good to hear from others in similar situations, I don't know anyone in the real world with an ex like mine, my friends think I'm a writer for Eastenders 😄 😆

It's going to be hard but be firm and clear with your children no that's not true no that's not happening no that's not kind dont encourage poor thoughts of dad but dont encourage saintly worship either core memory of my son yelling at me "dad gives you plenty of money you only go to work because your greedy" and my calm response saying that's simply not true its harsh but I couldn't back down he paid nothing DID nothing and tried to take credit for everything

I think that ideally you want to shift the responsibility away from yourself and onto a neutral 3rd party if you can.

A pp has suggested saying something like the judge says that daddy can’t be around mummy and that sounds perfect to me because it’s honest, counteracts the narrative that you’re stopping these things, but doesn’t focus blame on their dad. You can also give them and dad the same message by sending dad something like “The court has ordered that things like this don’t happen, so I can’t invite you to the party”

I think it’s also reasonable to talk about safety, especially if they’ve witnessed his past behaviour. So you could say “Having daddy at the party wouldn’t be a safe choice so we can’t do that. Maybe daddy can celebrate your birthday with you next week”.

when your 3 year old asks if you love daddy I would say an honest no. Daddy is your family not mine so I don’t love him but you do.

Be clear with boundaries. No, dad is not allowed on this bday party but he can celebrate your birthday on his time.
No, mum does not love your dad. But you can love him and he can love you.

Tell your ex by text that he is not invited and you will have backup ready and police will be called if he tries to come to the party.

Tell you ex that he can throw a separate celebration.

I think it’s fine to say that you don’t love daddy and daddy doesn’t love you so that’s why you’re divorced.

What an absolute piece of shit he is. I used to tell my kids that they don't need to worry about adult issues and all of that is between me and their dad. Their job is to be kids.

Definitely let him know that he is not invited to the event as it's on your time. To the pp who said 'do whatever the kids want' they are three and seven years old!! What they want is a happy family or at least the freedom to love both their parents without one badmouthing the other and having them stuck in the middle. Unfortunately, that won't happen so OP needs to preserve her own wellbeing and not have this turd running roughshod and doing whatever he pleases.

I agree with you, I need to be honest and a bit more blunt. I don't love daddy, he's not coming to the party, and my 7 year old definitely remembers some of the unsafe behaviours and tells me regularly daddy is unkind to mummy. Dad also told the kids about court, the judge, the court order ( he told them the judge and mummy both know the court order is wrong, and we will be going back soon to talk to them about... i just told the kids that the plan is in place , I definitely agree with it, it won't be changing, but if it does I will always let them know).
He's very good at curve balls, very good at twisting everything, to the point the kids come back saying they want 7 days with dad and then 7 days with me, but then when I explained that is isn't happening but that plan would mean you wouldn't see me for a whole week- they both said they definitely don't want that to happen. They just parrot what he says!

Thank you everyone!

He sounds like a prize. 😭 Good for you for getting rid! Not sure of your custody schedule / if this would work but would you try wait until last minute to tell the kids about big life things? E.g. parties / holidays. So that they don't tell him on their custody time because they just don't know. Pro - he doesn't twist things or make a nice thing a negative. Cons - gives them less time to adjust to transitions, so I'd only recommend for positive experiences.

Or if you do want to tell them, vague planning details and heavy fun details. "Yes darling your party is soon! I'm so excited, there'll be face painting and unicorn cake. All your friends will be there. It'll be after lunch at the weekend."

Thanks for this, this was the aim this time... I've failed miserably! Son's birthday is actually a week before the party, but because my son looked in the car boot and saw everything for the party packed in there he knows it is happening soon (I've been preparing everything under the cover of darkness 😄 🤣). Now, I've been thinking about doing future celebrations before their birthdays and doing it at home so hopefully I'll do a better job for them, then just deal with dad's tantrum after the fact. Time it so that the kids have a gap before going to their dad's, they forgot things so quick they might then not mention it.