Jealousy

[LemonSlushy]

I’m so jealous of people that have loving partners, I know I shouldn’t be and jealousy isn’t a good trait but I can’t help it. I watch families on SM and women with loving husbands and partners and feel so jealous of them that my life ended up this way, I didn’t want to be a single mum, I hate it. How do you get over the feelings of jealousy? 🥲 I know you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors etc but same goes for us single parents and I’m so sad my life is this way.

Single mum here. Have been for almost 10 years, and haven’t dated / had a partner since exDH. Here’s my take:

To be honest with you, of ALL of my friends and acquaintances, I can think of I reckon less than half of the women i know are GENUINELY happy and fulfilled in their long term relationships. I know maybe a handful out of that half, who I think “yeah that looks like a relationship dynamic I’d like for myself and my child”.

Social media is a con. You see the happy smiley matching PJs by the tree picture: you don’t see that they had a blazing row about the pyjamas earlier that day. You see the “my little family” 🤢 posts- you don’t see the “he rolled in pissed at 4am reeking of Jack Daniels, puke, and someone else’s perfume” posts.

Single parenthood is what you make of it. I love my life with my son. I have a good coparenting relationship with my ex - we do Christmas together etc for our son. I’ve built up a good network of friends and live in a close knit village where people know us and look out for us. None of this was by chance- I worked hard to make this life. Had therapy to come to terms with single parenthood. Chose a village to live in that had a reputation for strong community. Worked VERY hard to build a friendship on new terms with exDH- which took time and I’m sure both of us have lost chunks of our tongues from biting them so hard, but has paid off. I also held on tightly to my career, and made sacrifices elsewhere so I could keep doing what I do- because it’s a huge part of my identity and social life.

And maybe one day I’ll decide to date again. Though right now I’m not sure why… I’m lonely - ever- and certainly don’t envy anyone with a partner, for that relationship- seems to me it’s 50/50 if it’s even bearable behind closed doors! And if I do meet someone, they’ll need to be very extraordinary, for me to compromise what I have now.

Yeah I know not everyone is happy and I try to tell myself that but I’m not happy as a single mum so not every single mum is happy either 😭. Single parenting is rough and not a choice I would have made but he left.

But if you’re not happy as a single parent, does that mean you can only be happy if you’re in a relationship? Or that there are other things that are stopping you from being happy?

If it’s the first, then ironically IMO a relationship is the last thing you need. Relying on a partner for
your happiness does not make for happy relationships.

I just hate being a single parent. I was happy single before kids. It’s single parenting I hate.

But why? What do you think a partner would bring?

The thing I struggled with for the first few years, was the fact that on a day to day basis there is no “witness” to the amazing things your child is doing, or the lovely times etc. Nobody is there to share the special moments OR (and I felt this more keenly) to reflect on and remember them with you- so it can make things feel less real, somehow. Also nobody to turn to easily to ask “am I doing this right?” And share the hard decisions.

The thing that helped with that the most was building up a strong network of mum mates. Proper mates that I
trust 100% and I’m not worried about sharing ANYTHING with. I can send them a video of my kid doing something amazing that I just needed to Share, or I can call them when I don’t know if a sprained wrist needs a X-ray.

What’s your social network like?

I just think life is better in a relationship or with a partner, life as a single parent is lonely and hard work, I can see why so many women rush into new relationships though I haven’t myself as I simply don’t get the time. I have a couple of friends but they are not in similar situations and family aren’t interested.

I'm a single parent and have my kids 24/7

I still have my own life though

I work full time

Swim a couple of times a week - by myself

I'm a member of a drama group

I also go to church - by myself

I would like a partner at some point, but it would not to be a blended family, just to meet up for coffee or watch TV sometimes

If you can, make sure you have time away and do what you want to do

And I also agree with the comments above, a lot of people I know married are not happy marriages

Who looks after them while you do that? I don’t have family that would watch my kids.

Yes it’s rough when you’re the only one in a group that is single parent. You tend to get left out of couples things.

Thank you, I do have a couple of single parent friends but their lives are very different dads all involved 50/50 care so their lives are very different off on holiday all the time, new partners, nights away. Find it hard to relate to them and find myself distancing as find it hard seeing how their lives have pretty much remained the same.

That's what I was wondering

That does make things harder

How old are your children?

Mine can be left alone for a few hours that makes life easier

Oh they are not quite old enough yet to be left alone, my youngest is 8 oldest is 13 but he isn’t nice to her and they don’t get on so I wouldn’t leave them alone together for extended periods.

Is their dad involved at all OP? Is it that you aren't getting a break? Single parent is tough DC goes with his dad every 2 weeks for 1 overnight stays. No family to help at all. Its not much but I'm glad of the break. Its really really difficult to try and date without a support network.

Sorry- I didn’t mean find single parent mates. Most of my mum mates are in LTRs/married- except one actually, who has just separated and is going through a divorce. Just… other mums really! These are friends I’ve made through DS’s school, clubs etc. and a handful have become real mates- pick each others kids up/ emergency babysitting/ chemist or supermarket run if a house has gone down with a stomach bug -

I really really do think that focusing on building some solid new friendships might be a big help to how you’re feeling.

No he isn’t involved.

I’m not friends with any of the mums at their school, they aren’t very friendly and I gave trying I drop and run now!

Hmm. It sounds like you feel envious of these friends too?

I know it’s shit OP, honestly I do, but it’s not going to get any better if you keep focusing on what you DONT have, rather than working on building something you do want!

Sorry to be a bit tough love, but you asked how to get over feelings of jealousy? Stop comparing yourself and start building the life YOU want, is the answer I’m afraid!

Do you have a day to yourself during the week? Could you join a gym? Coffee and read a book. Maybe join a church and take your youngest a lot have Sunday schools.

I want a partner 😂 but I don’t think I will meet any men crazy enough to want to date me when I don’t even get a second alone and Tbf I’m not that jealous of them as I don’t want a step parent for my kids I want to have a family unit with a partner I had kids with too late now.

No free time at all. When I’m not with them I’m working otherwise no free time.

I think that's the issue that you don't get a child free day at all. Do you have anything to look forward to in the new year like a holiday? Could you afford to drop a day of work in the week?

You are doing amazing OP. I couldn't cope without a day to myself during the week.

This is the #1 thing I’d try to tackle now if I were you, even if that means adjusting your break times at work so that you can go to the nearest cafe and have some peace and quiet by yourself.

I became a single parent when DD was about 7 and completely stopped dating. I had no family to help anyways so it’s not like I could be out socialising, but I think devoting myself 100% to parenting and 0% to myself was a massive mistake. You need alone time.

I waited til DD was 18 to date again and now I think I waited far too long, it’s been difficult to undo her expectations that I exist solely for her. So rushing into relationships isn’t good, but not teaching your children you’re your own person isn’t good either. It’s a trick balance.

No holidays couldn’t afford them and I wouldn’t want to go alone anyway. We will do an overnight weekend in the uk in the summer.

I’m not looking to date. I have no time alone and can’t commit to anyone (and fwb aren’t for me)

I don’t have kids, but I can relate to everything you are saying about wanting a partner. I feel the same, everything in life is just easier and better when you have a partner and I imagine this gets amplified once you have kids.

I feel jealously basically everytime I see a couple anywhere atm, so you’re not alone in your feelings.

I don’t go on social media anymore because it never makes me feel good. And I’m trying to focus on doing things that will maximise my chances of meeting someone (although i appreciate this is much easier for me as I have no kids).