How does everyone cope?

[MadAboutCat]

I’m really not sure I am cut out to do this alone, does anyone else feel the same way? I’m am struggling to keep on top of the house work it’s actually a mess, someone suggested I get a cleaner and didn’t seem to understand when I said I literally have nothing spare at all, I cannot afford a cleaner, I get zero maintenance at all nothing, it’s all on me, I have nothing spare at the end of the month. I just want one day where I have no kids here so I can do a massive clear out I find it impossible to get anything done when they are around. The house is falling apart and I’m struggling to keep up with the house work, I really don’t think I’m cut out for doing this alone all other single mums I speak to say how easy it is and how life is a breeze. Where am I going wrong? My house is a tip and I’m barely functioning

Firstly, hang in there, you’re doing your best! Secondly, do you get paid for annual leave? If so, take a day off or two and focus just on the housework while kids are in school/ nursery. Do a deep clean and I know you’ll be shattered by the end of it but at least your house will be somewhat like you imagined it to be. On a daily, just focus on making sure the place is hygienic. There is a strong difference between messy and dirty! Dirty is dishes in the sink for 2 days, messy is toys scattered everywhere. You’re doing great x

It’s honestly beyond messy at this point, it’s a tip, I’d probably need a weekend to sort it. My whole house needs a good clear out

You are doing amazing even though it doesn’t feel like it.

I use the organised mum method which is a a different room on each day but you can do a deep clean before.

When I’m decluttering I use an exit strategy so there’s a bag for the tip/a bag for the charity shop. At this stage wouldn’t bother trying to sell as it just tries to add.

& get the kids to help you which is age appropriate.
Mine strip their beds, laundry is in the laundry hamper, they hoover the living room & their rooms, plus keep their toys tidy.

Also when decluttering do a room at a
time, & start in a corner & work your way around.

Just remember you’re human too & these are all separate jobs, you have your job, motherhood is a job & the house is another job.
Thats a lot for one person.

How old are the kids.

Thanks for the comments.

They are old enough to “help” I guess but I don’t want them to I prefer to do it alone I work much better on my own they just get in the way and make things more difficult, I need to repaint walls, rip up old flooring and replace it, build my sons bed, these are things they just make more difficult, my son tried to help me clean the other day and stepped in the cat litter tray knocking it all over the floor, their “help” just ends up making more work for me,

One corner, one shelf, one cupboard at a time. It will all come together. Give yourself a break. Flowers grow in dirt as my grandmother always told me when I used to worry about the same thing. So much wasted time.

@MadAboutCat if they’re old enough I would suggest letting them help even if it’s just their own bedrooms. Even if it’s not perfect, it will instil in them the habit of helping. I was like you and would rather just do it myself as DD is incredibly messy but in the long run it made her lazy and entitled and now it’s been very difficult to change that attitude.

When DD was younger I used to take a day off a month/every other month just to catch up on life and home admin, but I appreciate that now with the cost of living I wouldn’t be able to anymore. An unpaid day now makes a big difference.

For the flat packs I strongly recommend getting the little tool kit from Ikea or similar. I can’t believe I spent years building my flat packs fully by hand 😭 I changed houses 3 times.

Thanks all they help with basic cleaning but this is beyond basic I’m not sure I’m describing it properly but the house isnt just messy it needs a make over quite frankly and that’s something I’d need time on my own to do if I leave them for long they are fighting or screaming and it’s too distracting

Decide your priorities You can't do it all, is a messy house the rnd of the world?

It’s not messy it’s beyond that as I said I’m struggling to keep on top of things it isnt just a little messy

I’m struggling to keep the house clean it’s not just mess or a few toys I’m struggling to keep it clean.

I have to take annual leave for things like this. It is hard and there are definitely phases where things slip in the wrong direction and you feel like you're losing the battle. Put together a clear but realistic plan (I'm terrible for overestimating how much I can get done and underestimating the time it takes to do anything), take a couple of days off and crack on in priority order. Make sure you leave yourself enough time at the end to clear up and have a tea/coffee before collecting the kids.

Are they still running that Stacey Solomon show? I always wished I could go on that cos our flat is an absolute tip as well. If they are it might be worth applying? Sorry I can’t think of the name. Sending ❤️. It all sounds overwhelming.

Would a Master To Do list work that you could work through over the coming weeks?

Honestly. You need to let them help then
How old are they?

Just start. Small.
Pick a room and do a bit each day until done. I suggest bathroom first ( it’s often smallest room). Then kitchen.

Every single day just set a 20 mins timer for clearing out stuff straight to bin, or back to correct room. And clean that drawer or shelf or area.

Don’t even consider decorating or fixing up until clutter gown and it’s clean. Otherwise your trying to repair around mess

Kids can help sort each area or their stuff the same way.

How old are your kids? Do you work? Both those things will have an impact on the time and space you have to get things done. If you work, I’d take a couple of days off and work through the mess, don’t worry about DIY type things until you’ve decluttered and can see what you’re dealing with underneath the mess.

Then take one room at a time to properly clean, it’ll be easier with less stuff in there. Everything has a home or it gets chucked. Everything.

I’m in the midst of a complete reset prompted by needing work done in the house. While it’s an effort, it’s also a weight lifted to just get rid of stuff.

I get you. I know it can be really difficult to even take annual leave when you’re trying to cover 13 weeks of school holidays a year on your own. Annual leave on a school day = somewhere else where you have to spend £££ on a holiday club.

Remember this isn’t forever… how old are your kids? I only have one but stated finding things a lot easier when he was around 10 and became a lot more self -sufficient. Now he’s 12 and goes out on his own to the park or local youth group so I get pockets of time where I catch up with stuff at home.

So what if the house is a state for another few years? Break it down into really baby steps…. What actually needs to be done day to day for health and hygiene reasons? Are you able to cope with that? For me I think about it daily as a laundry load, empty/stack the dishwasher, do the washing up, quick tidy round and empty the bins. The kids can definitely help with some of this! Get them to empty the cutlery tray into the drawer, or give them a laundry basket to collect all their bits and put them in their rooms.

Then everything else that’s more of a project or home improvements or one offs, stick it in a to do list to tackle when you’re got some extra time one day. Don’t put pressure on yourself for this stuff - it’s costly in money and time and is beyond one person at times when you’re working and caring for kids.

Is there a friend or family member you could call for help with the furniture or the projects list?

I get it that the kids can make more of a mess instead of helping, and you probably don’t want to pressure them to help anyway. Can you stick them in front of a film with a tray of snacks on a rainy Saturday, and crack on with one project on your own? If you repeat that for a few weeks maybe you’ll feel a bit more caught up?

Be so so kind to yourself. It’s really hard and not every single parent is thriving. I’m a completely lone mum and probably look like a superwoman at work, but my house and energy for social/fun stuff are very far from where I’d like them to be! Don’t compare - it’ll drive you mad!

I'm a single mum who very often isn't on top of my house or my life, so huge sympathies from me. I think you must accept that it absolutely can't all happen at once, so you have to take a gradual approach. It's very important to allow yourself small achievements along the way, to keep you boosted and stop the overwhelm.

Start with the day to day cleaning. If you're not on top of that, you really dont want to add extra mess through decorating. Use a system or an app if it helps - I use Tody.

Step 2 is decluttering. Perhaps starting in the New Year, you could have a plan for doing this systematically - one room per month?

Get on top of these two and the decorating etc isn't so urgent. When you are ready for it, make a plan that's realistic. I write in my notebook all my house tasks for the year, and tick them off as I work through, but always expect there will be a carry over to the next year.

But seriously: put off the decorating for 9 months minimum. Decide that during that time you are going to gradually achieve a (relatively) clean and tidy house. Accept that there will be setbacks and weeks when you are too busy or tired to make much progress, but over the next year you will get on top of it all.

Start with one room to clean. The kitchen, bathroom or livingroom.

Start with one or two key items to declutter - eg. Excess clothes, books, tupperware.

Get giant floor wipes for kitchen and bathroom floors. Bleach loo, take out rubbish & recycling, wash dishes.

Cook an easy freezer meal.

Alternate rooms to clean, alternate items to declutter. Make that all you on Saturdays and Sundays on the run up to Christmas.

I paid my older teen pocket money to paint the livingroom and hallway over the summer holidays.

I’m nearly 10 years into being a single parent and that 10 years has flown by way too quickly! I’ve spent too much time worrying about keeping the house clean and being organised. These days I try to worry less as in a few years they’ll be at uni and I’ll miss them being here dearly. There are many years ahead of you to have a clean and organised home where nothing is out of place.
I called a family helpline recently as I felt I couldn’t cope - I have bad days still, but I spoke to a lovely lady who listened and told me how well I was doing and honestly, it helped so much. Sometimes you just need to have a moan!

How old are they? I second the suggestion to take annual leave to do it.

You might be able to find a local decluttering service/charity that will come in and help you for free as you're in a vulnerable state. If you are in Suffolk I can recommend one - but have a look locally to where you are. I volunteer with one and I can reassure you that there are lots of families like you, through no fault of their own. Once the house has had a reset they find it life changing and are better able to cope with everything. Have a look and good luck. Remember, this isn't your fault and you're absolutely doing your best in a really tough situation.

Just a note about those other Mums - I’ve been there and done that as a single Mum and I can assure you they’re lying 😂😂. It’s never gonna be easy - I’ve also done it on an absolute shoestring and that’s not easy either. As long as you and the kids are fed, clothed and getting by then you’re succeeding massively. It may take weeks, months or years to get the house straight but you’ll get there in the end 😊

Bave a massive clear out for a start. Just bubg everything in black bags you havent used for a gear and take it to the dump. Dont charity shop it or try to sell it. Dump it.
Be ruthless.
I was a bit of a hoarder (not like a proper one but hung onto stuff) and this is the best way to make a start.
Even get rid of shelving and cupboards if they hold nick naks and crap.
Your brain will function so much better if you can remove the clutter.

I think just lower your standards while your kids are young. That’s what I’ve done. I used to have a “show home” now it’s never all clean at once. As long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean and hygienic I don’t care. I’d rather be living my life! Also I used to do a “big clean” top to bottom each week but now I just clean bits as and when like I’ll do the toilet a few times a week. I clean the shower when I’m in it. Basically just give yourself a break before you have a breakdown and stop comparing yourself to others who probably have a lot more help than they admit to!