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Original poster

Is it mad to consider having a baby with no man and no family support?

42 replies

duke748 · 07/06/2008 22:51

Hi all.

I have just found out I am pregnant for the first time. I wasn't TTC and the father is a friend I am seeing on a very casual basis, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I also do not have any contact with either of my parents. The only family I have are an aunt and uncle and two cousins who live about 6 hours away from me.

I am 30, with a good job, though some debts and I have a lot of friends in the local area.

My heart says to keep the baby but all logic says not to.

I don't want my baby to grow up with just a mummy and no daddy, grandma, aunties etc. It doesn't seem very fair.

I have spoken to the father, and although I think he would prefer it if I had an abortion, he said he would support me no matter what I chose to do and that it was 100% my decision. I don't know what his support would include, we haven't got that far in discussing it, as I only found out today.

What I am asking I guess, is it it unfair to a baby to bring it into a world where it only has a mummy (and maybe a part time daddy) but no other family it sees regularly. And can friends ever act as substitute aunties etc?

Also, would I be able to cope with pregnancy and giving birth and sleepless nights and keeping it together financially without any support at all? Or am I living in cloud cookoo land?

Any help or advice or sharing of experiences would be welcome. And please feel free to post both good and bad experiences, I want an honest answer so I can make my decision based on as close to real experiences as possible.

Thanks loads ladies.

Duke.

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 07/06/2008 22:54

I don't think it's mad at all.

I think that you have to be absolutely certain about a termination and you clearly are not.

You scould do it, you would make friends who were mums, get support from friends and colleagues you have as well as professionals if you wanted it. The father may prove more supportive than you thought.

Do what your gut is telling you to.

SmugColditz · 07/06/2008 22:57

I think you need to talk to Madamez.

And just think about what you would do if you were 40 and in this situation.

Or looking back at yourself from an 80 year old's perspective - would you wish you had been logical, or would you wish you had followed your heart?

Snowstorm · 07/06/2008 22:59

I think that having a baby is hard for most people, with or without a DP and/or close family support. The difference is that for those with DP's/support then once you've conquered that initial HUGE learning curve and started to get some sleep again, it generally gets easier from then on, whereas if you are a single parent without support then I assume it will always be reasonably hard.

In saying that, I have a DP and so only know how things were for me - every situation is different.

bluejelly · 07/06/2008 23:01

It's a tough one. Having had a baby the hard way ( the father was around but crap and unreliable) I wish I had waited until I was older and wiser! ( I was only 26)

Having said that I adore my dd and am a very happy single parent. But I still feel bad that I didn't give my dd a great dad, as I had.

It's something she will live with for ever-- and I can't help feeling bad about that.

beansmum · 07/06/2008 23:02

I was in a similar situation to you, except I have very supportive parents. They didn't live nearby until this year though (ds is 4 now)and I have no contact with ds's dad and practically no close friends. If you want to keep the baby you will not be being unfair, the baby will have a perfectly happy life.

Pregnancy, giving birth, sleepless nights are all easy. You would cope with them no problem. Bringing up a child for the next 20 yrs might be a bit more difficult but it doesn't sound like you would be completely alone. If you have good friends, can make a bit of an effort to get a good support network of close friends and maybe other mums and (ideally) work out some kind of joint parenting arrangement with the dad you would be absolutely fine.

I don't know much about how the financial situation would work out, I'm on benefits which is pants but at least I know I will have enough money each month. Would the baby's father be able to help out much?

Hassled · 07/06/2008 23:02

Agree entirely - you sound like a level-headed, thoughtful person which is always a good start for parenthood. It certainly can be done although won't be as easy for you as for those who have their Mums around the corner for help etc. But it does sound like you might want to have this baby, and that you might have a lot of regrets if you terminated. Having said that, 30 is still young and there will be lots of time and men and opportunities to start a family when things are a bit more conventional, for lack of a better word.
Whatever you decide, there will always be a lot of support here when you need practical advice and someone to talk to.

snotbuster · 07/06/2008 23:03

It's hard work.
It can also be hard work if you have a partner (especially one who's not willing to pull his weight - and it's not always easy to spot this type before you have the baby!)
For me the sleep-deprivation was the hardest, hardest thing, and it went on for much longer than I'd expected. I broke up with DS's dad when DS was 9 months but have had help and support from my parents since.
I think you need to clarify what the father is willing to offer - if he could have the child overnight sometimes eventually, that would probably make a big different to you.
As for friends - yes, they can be really helpful and important figures in your DCs life - you have to be ok with asking for help though!
Were you pleased when you found out?

notjustmom · 07/06/2008 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
duke748 · 07/06/2008 23:06

Thanks for the answers so far ladies.

I had a pretty shitty childhood (hence the no contact with parents thing) and have always said that I would like to offer my kids something different.

In an ideal world I would be with a guy who had lovely parents and brothers and sisters and my kids would have a great big family as I always kind of envisaged it.

However, should I go for an abortion when, as LaDiDadi said, I don't really want to, just because I was let down in my childhood and the circumstances arn't perfect (whatever that is!).

However, I am not sure if love from one person is enough? I guess I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.

OP posts:
sleepycat · 07/06/2008 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluejelly · 07/06/2008 23:08

I think the sleepless nights and the sheer tedium of being the sole carer are tough, but those years will pass.
What still eats me is that thought that I could have waited for the right time and the right man, and my dd could have had everything, including a sibling.
It was my choice to bring her into the world and I am making the absolute best of it (I hope) but I can't make everything right for her, and that does make me sad.

notjustmom · 07/06/2008 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/06/2008 23:10

Not mad.

There are lots of lone parents that cope excellently. You will cope because you KNOW the score, you dont have to deal with any relationship breakdown in the middle of pregnancy, childbirth, baby's early years.
Most people dont plan to be a lone parent, but they find themselves in that position for whatever reason. But it is not madness. You have everything going for you anyway. Your little mite is likely to be the love of your life, and motherhood may just going to bring another sphere to your life, such as muddy little shoes, kisses on tap, and lovely hugs and cuddles, oh, and the chance to spend on cute baby stuff. (I am not going to mention sleepless nights, tiredness, etc, because all that will PASS. Having a baby can be very hard in the beginning, whether you have a partner or not.

My advise is to join NCT and go for parentcraft classes (you will get plenty of friends who will have babies the same age as yours, they will no doubt be part of your new support network), ante natal yoga, etc...

PeterDuck · 07/06/2008 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

snotbuster · 07/06/2008 23:13

I expect you are still reeling - have you literally just found out?
Circumstances change, you could begin with 'perfect' ones and have your hubby run off with the secretary in 10 years time. I think that if you know you are going to do it alone (from the beginning) at least you can plan accordingly.
You sound like you do know what you want to do, maybe get some rest and try to let the news sink in?

Original poster
duke748 · 07/06/2008 23:13

Just to add, the father (God sounds strange saying that!) lives about 2 hours away, so not sure what he could offer on a day to day basis.

I think ideally I'd like it if he saw him/her once or twice a month and we went out for the day to the zoo or similar. Him looking after him/her overnight wouldn't really work, would it because of the distance?

I am very conscious of not asking for anything from him as it was always a very casual thing between us. Though, to be fair to him, we have been friends for years and he has been very sweet so far. I would like to make the decision assuming nothing from him and then anything more is a bonus, if you see what I mean. God, I sound cynical!

When I found out I felt numb with shock, as I have been using pill and condom, although the pill effectivity has been reduced by other tablets I have been taking and a condom split once. So, yes it happens, but by God I didn't expect it!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/06/2008 23:17

I think it's good to be cynical, that way you won't expect too much...

I remember the shocked feeling too, when I found out, I was astonished!

How far gone are you?

snotbuster · 07/06/2008 23:26

Sorry - I meant have the child overnight when he/she is older, not as a baby! My DS is a pretty poor sleeper so I'm a bit obsessed with the thought of having a night off.

shybaby · 07/06/2008 23:27

Love from one parent is better than two parents who dont give a shit, which is sadly what some children have.

When I was pregnant with dd everything said no. (her dad left us when I was 3 months pregnant) No sleepless nights again, no nappies, I couldn't afford her, I didnt want another child.

But strangely, I wanted her.

I'd even written a list. I found the list a year ago and ripped it up with delight. (dd is now four).

Its tough, but I will never regret having her..it went against everything. Common sense went out of the window as did logic and everything else. For once I went with my heart and im so glad I did. The hardest decision ive ever had to make. Sometimes I could tear my hair out with them, but its worth every tantrum!

You will cope because we do. Nothing is ever as bad as you fear..ime anyway and i'm a huge wimp!

If you want your baby then have your baby, im sure you will be fine. Dd only has half a family but she's a great girl and happy (I think).

She's tall, blonde with huge brown eyes and an explosive personality and I love her with all my heart .

Aarrgghh · 07/06/2008 23:37

Hiya - I had DS (now 2yrs 7m) knowing there was no man an little family support (mums lives 60 miles away). I would never have considered a terminations - I was 29, ok salary so decided to go ahead.

The sleep deprivation was hard but i pretty much slept every minute DS did - right up until i went back to work when DS was 10 months. I felt i could as i don't have to see to anyone else so sleep when you can.

I have four best friends all with DC and they said i had more sleep than they ever had, and i was more relaxed than them as I didn't have another person that needed my time. I also learnt to ask them for help as offers were thin on the ground but were happy to when asked

My mum also regulary visited every other week - which exceeded my expectations - also improved our relationship no end.

It sounds like the father may want some involvement - so try not to rule this out - you may be surprised even though he is two hours away.

solo · 07/06/2008 23:57

I brought up Ds alone(no father), but I did have my parents to care for him whilst I worked full time until he was 8. I now have Dd and a partner that doesn't live with us, so I'm a single parent in that respect. It is very hard. It is also very rewarding. Choose carefully as regret can last a life time.

Original poster
duke748 · 08/06/2008 00:01

Thanks again for all your replies.

I am not sure how far gone I am, am new to all of this, and haven't tracked my periods very well, but think between 5-8 weeks, using the calculators people have recommended.

First thing Monday morning I am booking a doctor's appointment to find out how far gone I am. Eeek! That might make it seem real!

OP posts:
Nighbynight · 08/06/2008 00:10

as you get older, life moves on, you meet more people....your child will get to know other people.

on the practical side, I am single with 4 children, get no support from my family and a load of hassle from my ex, the chidlren's father. It is ok, you manage.

Original poster
duke748 · 09/06/2008 08:30

Hi all.

I have decided to try as hard as I can to keep this baby. I am going to book a doctor's appointment today.

The thing that swung it was the fact that I have been in a nasty car accident recently, possibly when pregnant and the thought of my baby being hurt in it breaks my heart, so how can I possibly have an abortion.

I have been speaking to the father loads and we are kind of going through it together and talking about what the future might look like.

My lovely friends are also looking after me, being there with non judgmental advice and offers of support. I love my friends!

So, fingers crossed for today as I am now petrified I will miscarry due to car accident, x-rays, drinking before I knew etc.

Thanks again for all your help and advice. ;0)

Duke

OP posts:
lostdad · 09/06/2008 08:36

In answer to the OP: Yes.