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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is it mad to consider having a baby with no man and no family support?

42 replies

duke748 · 07/06/2008 22:51

Hi all.

I have just found out I am pregnant for the first time. I wasn't TTC and the father is a friend I am seeing on a very casual basis, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I also do not have any contact with either of my parents. The only family I have are an aunt and uncle and two cousins who live about 6 hours away from me.

I am 30, with a good job, though some debts and I have a lot of friends in the local area.

My heart says to keep the baby but all logic says not to.

I don't want my baby to grow up with just a mummy and no daddy, grandma, aunties etc. It doesn't seem very fair.

I have spoken to the father, and although I think he would prefer it if I had an abortion, he said he would support me no matter what I chose to do and that it was 100% my decision. I don't know what his support would include, we haven't got that far in discussing it, as I only found out today.

What I am asking I guess, is it it unfair to a baby to bring it into a world where it only has a mummy (and maybe a part time daddy) but no other family it sees regularly. And can friends ever act as substitute aunties etc?

Also, would I be able to cope with pregnancy and giving birth and sleepless nights and keeping it together financially without any support at all? Or am I living in cloud cookoo land?

Any help or advice or sharing of experiences would be welcome. And please feel free to post both good and bad experiences, I want an honest answer so I can make my decision based on as close to real experiences as possible.

Thanks loads ladies.

Duke.

OP posts:

shelleylou · 09/06/2008 08:49

duke in response to your last post. I didnt find out i was pregnant with ds till i was 12 weeks believe it or not. So in that time i ate everything i shouldnt have and drank but ds is fine. best of luck at the doctors x

JodieG1 · 09/06/2008 08:55

I think you'll cope just fine I had dd at 23 and went on to have ds1 and ds2 and I'm now 29. Dd is now 6.4, ds1 4.8 and ds2 17 months. Contrary to some posts on this thread, I'm glad I didn't wait, I missed out on nothing by having my children young and I really enjoy being a mum.

StellaWasADiver · 09/06/2008 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquiffyHock · 09/06/2008 09:06

Hi Duke, before I read your last post I was going to add that you must not have a termination unless you are sure about it which you obviously aren't.

I'm so pleased that you have made a decision you're happy with. FWIW I was chatting to a friend the other day - She had her first baby at 20 on her own but is now married to a great guy with 2 more children. I was commenting on how hard it must have been on her own but she said that, in a way, it was easier. She made mistakes and decisions on her own, she said they were a little team of two

I'm not saying that it won't be hard but you will be a great Mum - congratulations!

margoandjerry · 09/06/2008 09:23

Duke, I chose to have my DD on my own and am very happy. I have lots of family support so that does make a difference (mainly in terms of company at the weekend) but you can build networks of your own if you don't have the family there.

It's hard at times but some of the stories on MN about women whose husbands are not pulling their weight make me think sometimes that route is harder because you have all the work plus the resentment which is corrosive.

PeterDuck · 09/06/2008 09:25

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PeterDuck · 09/06/2008 09:28

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ggglimpopo · 09/06/2008 09:36

Far better to go it alone, knowing you are going to be alone, than being in bad marriage or with unsupportive partner or family where you expect support and get zilch.

Good luck and congratulations!

dashboardconfessionals · 09/06/2008 09:40

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Aarrgghh · 09/06/2008 12:21

Good luck for today Duke - let us know how you get on.

PeterDuck & Duke - are you really related??

Congratulations again x

Original poster

duke748 · 09/06/2008 15:01

PeterDuck is my bestest buddy in the whole world and one of the people I mentioned who has been helping me out and offered their support.

But how's this for a Mumsnet story....

Peterduck is on holiday at the mo and I tried to call her to ask her advice when I got the positive result. She wans't in, but bizarely, she was reading Mumsnet, looked at current convos and saw my original post. So, I told my best friend in the whole world I was pregnant via the wonders of Facebook!

My doctor's appointment isn't til Wednesday evening. My heart is in my mouth, I have gone from not thinking I was pregnant, to shock that I was, to not sure what to do to being desperate to keep this baby and worried that can't keep them inside me! Talk about a whirlwind of emotions.

Thanks again for your thoughts and advice.

To lostdad - do you want to expand on that at all?

OP posts:

Sidge · 09/06/2008 15:10

Congratulations Duke748

You will be going into motherhood with your eyes wide open, and you will do brilliantly. At a risk of sounding like one of those cheesy greeting cards, the love you have for your baby will endow you with such strength and determination you will cope with anything!

Yes it will be hard, it's hard whether you have a partner there or not. But it sounds like the father is supportive and who knows how your relationship might grow or change as you both become parents? And lovely friends can be worth their weight in gold!

All the best.

beansmum · 09/06/2008 15:13

Yay! Congratulatons and good luck. you'll be fine really, it will be hard but totally worth it.

KerryMum · 09/06/2008 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lila07 · 09/06/2008 20:44

Hia Duke
Just wanted to tell you I was exactly in the same situation as you deciding or not to have a baby, apart from the support I had from my ex after a few months of telling him I was pregnant, it soon wearied of him off and after having my tod, haven't seen him to dust! Im not brit, so no family here at all, and there were times I thought to myself I do live a lalaland but I can tell you having my tod is the best decision I ever made, its really hard work in so many ways, but you get trough it and its only two of you, you make the rules and there's nobody there to judge you or tell you how things should be done. Its a really good experience and a real eye opener!Persistence helps a lot!
We have a lot of fun together doing silly stuff and dancing around the house and my tod is happy as beans!!You go girl!

bumface · 19/06/2008 14:00

Hello Duke,

I just wanted to add I never had a Daddy and I'm just fine and dandy. These days it isn't very unusual to be a one parent family.

Good luck
XXX

Tinkerbel6 · 20/06/2008 10:20

congrats duke you will be fine, children don't miss what they have never had, the world doesn't revolve around men thankfully, good luck with the pregnancy

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