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Original poster

Am I not really in the right place emotionally for online dating? Lou33. zippi?

41 replies

sexandthecitylover · 07/06/2008 12:40

OK sep nearly 2 years divorced for just over one year.

Had an on/off relationship with ex bf since last July and tho I have strong feelings for him not sure they are reciprocated.

So am on a few dating sites but very rather half heartedly. Part of me thinks I should be forging ahead, testing the water moving on. (I am no spring chicken).

Have felt most of the guys who have responded all been not what I am looking for - am being a bit picky I suppose.

However one yesterday made me want to reply to his email. So after alot of deliberation I did. Checked mail when I got home late last night and tho he had read my mail no reply!! Tho I did take over a week to reply to his.

I really need to be more resilient and not take it all so seriously. But after having trauma of bad marriage and then this latest relationship which is like a roller coaster, not sure whether I really have the reserves left to do the online thing. Having taken the bold step of replying I was hoping for a quick response. Also I really did not know what to say in my email, he hadn't said much so I just made a joke!! Bit of banter.

I am a pretty outgoing and flirtatious person but I don't get much chance to go out socially (about once every two weeks) but I do work ft so am in touch with adults there.

Perhaps I should give myself more time to lick my leonine wounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
sexandthecitylover · 07/06/2008 12:47

I should add that I am not sure that I want another marriage or cohabiting type relationship. Would be very wary of that.

But do like male company and having reignited my sex life in with a big bang last year after a crap marriage I don't want to let that slide.

OP posts:
Memoo · 07/06/2008 12:55

hi, I met my DP over the internet, on 'love at lycos'. I had been on my own for 3 years with my children after divorcing my abusive husband. I did go on dates but every guy i met turned out to be a total w**ker and just after getting his leg over. I was very disillusioned with the whole internet dating thing and with men in general. Then I just happened to notice a guy who lived not far away from me, my first thought was yeah he looks nice but he'll just be like all the others. We emailed, texted and then eventually spoke on the phone which led to us going out for a meal. I was so nervous I got my BF to phone me during the evening just in case I needed a get out, but as it turned out I had the best time.

2 years down the line and we are still together, he is the best man i have ever known, i never understood what people meant about knowing you had met 'the one' until I met him.

I honestly had resigned myself to spending my life alone until i met him. so please hang in there. and joking was the basis for all our online converstions at first.

Original poster
sexandthecitylover · 07/06/2008 13:34

Thanks Memoo good to hear a success story.

Think I will carry on in a low key way and only responding if someone really seems my type.

OP posts:
solo · 07/06/2008 13:41

Friends Reunited Dating...
4 years together in October...don't live together, but we do have our Dd which wasn't something he wanted at all, but it happened.
Internet dating can work, but there are a lot of arses just out for sex, so be careful if you don't want just that. I made that point in my profile...I don't sleep with just anyone, I'm very particular
Good luck.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/06/2008 13:44

I think if you are not really into it it may be a good time to concentrate more on yourself.

If all you want is some no strings fun you need to be confident that you are in the right head space to not emotionally invest in it. sounds like, if you are already worrying abou t why you haven't got a reply, that you are possibly not ready for that?

For no strings fun to work you need to be completely emotinally detached I find, not read anything into the other person's behaviour or communications, not have expectations for when they should call/text/want to see you, and definately not take it seriously. It's about having fun!

Only you really know if you're in the right place right now or if you need more time to lick your wounds

Good luck and have fun!

OverMyDeadBody · 07/06/2008 13:47

Oh and there's nothing wrong with being picky or choosy

Agree, be completely honest about what you want in your profile. My experience has also tought me not to waste a lot of time sending emails back and forth, if you like the sound/look of someone, arrange to meet them asap, otherwise you could waste a lot of time writing emails etc. when they turn out to be a complete fraek.

mocca · 07/06/2008 13:58

I'd been online dating for a good 6 months until I met the most wonderful man - he's everything I could have hoped for but it's early days yet and he does live 4 hours drive away too! I had LOADS of disappointments before I met him though and you just have to take rejection in your stride - I never let it stop me and every time it happened told myself I was closer to meeting the right guy.

Should add that I'm terribly insecure even though he loves me because of previous relationships but trying to work through it, so it's not plain sailing by any means. Good luck.

Tinkerbel6 · 07/06/2008 14:52

satcl if you do date online then take it with a pinch of salt and see it as a bit of fun, it might not lead somewhere but then it might, I think though that its not dating that you need but time on your own, its usually when you aren't looking is when it happens, plus aswell if you do date online you can leave yourself wide open to be taken advantage of if someone finds that you are eager to be with someone.

lou33 · 07/06/2008 14:56

there is nothing wrong with being choosy, but from what i read, you dont really seem to be ready to be dating, and should probably just concentrate on yourself for a while

Original poster
sexandthecitylover · 07/06/2008 15:53

Yeah probably right. Don't think I can do no strings fun anymore (tho might try to work out why not) but want something mid way between that and a serious partner. 'Cos i sure as hell don't want that at the moment either.

Looks like it's me and B.O.B. for a bit then. .

Unless exbf turns up again.

OP posts:
Original poster
sexandthecitylover · 07/06/2008 15:54

What would you call 'with strings' fun? Perhaps it's that I am looking for?

OP posts:
madamez · 07/06/2008 15:56

If you are finding you get upset whem possible dates either turn you down or ignore you, then you should probably leave it alone for a while. There are plenty of nice people out there and plenty of success stories, but if you are starting to feel desperate for a partner and to invest too much emotionally in every email, then you are going to put off the nice guys and attract only the wierdos and the predators.

Original poster
sexandthecitylover · 07/06/2008 16:15

Thanks Mmz.

now that's the irony I am not desperate for a partner and not even certain I want one!! Can't imagine having another man in the house for a long time yet if ever.

But I am very cynical after marriage break up and very bruised and hurt after encounter (with ex bf). But life goes on doesn't it?

I was quite promiscuous before getting married (in late 20s) and certainly have had plenty of no strings fun but just don't think I can do it now via intenet.

OP posts:
Original poster
sexandthecitylover · 10/06/2008 15:42

So far no reply from guy on dating site, who as I said was the first that I have been vaguely interested in . I'm not desperate, honest, think I am just an impatient person and don't like timewasters ie why bother sending me an email then when i reply not replying back!! And mayb I can be a bit full on (it does pass)!! Can't see the point otherwise.

I would only reply if I really liked the look of the person.

My colleague thought he looked pretty buff (am I allowed to use that word, my colleague did but so does my 11 yr old DS!!) LOL

So in conclusion not in the right frame of mind for it maybe ever!!

Perhaps I'll meet someone in WH Smith again.

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/06/2008 18:41

some guys do take a while to reply, for varying reasons, i wouldnt think about why he hasnt bothered, just put him out of your mind

the main thing is you have to feel like you are ready to do it, and if you dont, then i would leave it alone for now

also, a lot of guys send the same message to loads of girls, and see who replies

if he was one of those , then he is looking for a quick fix, and has probably got what he wanted, so consider yourself better off for not getting involved

PhoebenotBuffay · 10/06/2008 19:00

I met my dh on the Guardian Soulmates site after being single for about 3 years. I know at first the length of time it took him to reply would vary wildly. I took that as a sign of him not being that interested so I played it cool for a while. We emailed for a while, set up a date that I had to cancel because my dd was poorly. Then I heard nothing for a while and when we met on our second attempt it was way more than I expected.

We got engaged about 6 months later and married 8 months after that. I've never been happier.

I think it's hard not to take it personally when they don't reply. I know it always felt like rejection to me.

Though I think Lou is right that if he was looking for a quick fix, you had a lucky escape. I guess I'm saying that I'm glad I didn't give up on dh because of it.

mistressmiggins · 10/06/2008 22:17

I met my DP on match.com by accident

I had put my details up but hadnt paid....my DP somehow managed to get his email address to pop up when I clicked on his picture so in a wild moment, I emailed him.

rest is history....been together nearly 2 yrs and he is fab. He has a DD (custody) and is a fab influence on my 2 DCs. They adore him & he clearly adores them (and me)

We dont live together but see each other every weekend (live too far apart for week day visits) and life is good.

It can work IF you are ready for a relationship. Dont let the past put you off. One thing I have learnt from my DP is that not all men are like my ex and I realise now what a doormat I was

citylover · 11/06/2008 12:39

He has now replied.

Being soo impatient and a bit of a drama queen has been my downfall in many areas of life. LOL

Will see what happens!!!

littlewoman · 11/06/2008 15:49

CL, you always seem such a lovely person. Nose in the air - you are the viking goddess of destiny (so sorry to whoever I nicked that phrase from, but it's fantastic!)

Anyway, you are the viking goddess of destiny. Don't let anybody else in the 'driving seat' of your life. It will go how you want it to go, okay? You are in charge. Keep your eyes and ears open, and don't settle for anyone who doesn't deserve you ((()))

citylover · 12/06/2008 11:33

Thanks LW for the support. You always seem to be full of good advice too.

People do tell me I am a lovely person and also scrub up well with some slap if a bit on the large side (voluptuous).

Ex bf did not have any complaints. In fact the first guy ever to compliment a certain part of my body!!! LOL

EXDH did - only liked slim women.

I also do like a challenge where men are concerned so maybe those types are not always advisable. IYSWIM

citylover · 12/06/2008 11:33

Thanks LW for the support. You always seem to be full of good advice too.

People do tell me I am a lovely person and also scrub up well with some slap if a bit on the large side (voluptuous).

Ex bf did not have any complaints. In fact the first guy ever to compliment a certain part of my body!!! LOL

EXDH did - only liked slim women.

I also do like a challenge where men are concerned so maybe those types are not always advisable. IYSWIM

citylover · 16/06/2008 17:13

OK just an update - I am struggling with everything at the moment but am I being over sensitive.

Right sent pics to online guy (twice as he didn't seem to have received them first time). Thought I might get a response but haven't. So he could be a player or could have just looked at photo and thought no. I could have saved this by putting my pic on profile but was a bit too shy.

And tbh I have looked at photos and thought no!

Not fishing, but I have, I think, briefly put said photo on my mnet profile (to be removed later) and whilst I know I am not 'all that' surely I look reasonably normal for a 40 something woman. It's not a brilliant photo (took it myself) but nor is it that bad.

Think I am getting a bit too angsty about all of this. I know if other things were better and I had received closure from exbf things might seem better.

Even got rejected when I tried to hire a bouncy castle today!! LOL

citylover · 16/06/2008 17:15

sorry too many betters.

Yes was beginning to think that it's me when bouncy castle man said he wouldn't do my area!!!

Tinkerbel6 · 16/06/2008 17:20

citylover give it a couple of days to give him time to email you back, if he don't in say 3 or 4 days then let it go, if he is that shallow then he's not right for you anyways, I personally avoid anyone who asks for a photo straight away rather than chatting to me first then asking for one

citylover · 16/06/2008 17:30

Yeah you're right TB I just need to get a bit of perspective on things.

And get bit more confidence from within rather than seekng it externally. .

TBH I don't even know what I am looking for ie when they ask you to specify it I don't have a clue eg dating, romance, friendship etc

It's in my nature to rush at things but recent events have curbed that a bit.