How long before i'm able to stop spending every waking minute thinking about whats happened?

[ambercat]

I wake up in the morning and my brain starts and will not stop ALL day and then i can't sleep at night.

H left me 2 months ago for another woman and it turns out he's been shagging around for the whole of our marriage.

I spend hours thinking about what i want to say to him and her, plotting my revenge, crying for what hes done to my children and how hes destroyed my and their future.

My brain actually hurts from obsessing about it all. I so scared about the future. I don't want to be alone. How can i move on from this?

I would write a letter. Don't send it. Just write it. Put it in an envelope, in a drawer and then tell yourself, when you feel crap, you'll sit down and read the letter for 15-20 mins then move onto something else.

Don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run as you're obviously suffering.

There's a technique I sometimes use when anxious or upset about something. I decide that I am going to think about the problem at a certain time each day. When the thoughts come in to my head at any other time, I tell myself "right, I'll remember to worry about that later" then try and distract myself. This can provide a bit of a break from the worrying.

Sounds a bit mad, I know, but it can work for me, especially in the night.

I also like the letter idea.

Sorry you're having a hard time.

mutt what a wonderful reply.

op, I am sorry. my dh left too. Life changes, someoen told me, and its very difficult to accept that change, it might take a long time, but life does keep going, and you will feel so blessed that you have your kids.

Someone also said that to me, the 'thank goodness you have yuor child' which I just didn't get, I didn't feel thankful, as I now had a child without a happy family situation. Yet my child kept my head above water, and had it not been for her I would probably not be here.

hugs to yo.xx

Thank you for your kind words, thought i was doing better today but then it suddenly hits me again.

Legend i have been writing a diary but may try your letter idea aswell. I am able to distact myself for short periods when the kids are around but will try your method aswell misseb.

Mutt, people like you who have come out the other side are what keeps me going tbh. It gives me a little hope. Just wish i could fast forward to a time it stops hurting so much or just switch off my brain for a while.

So sorry to read your post I agree about doing nice things during the day you will get through this.

You are already thinking about something else, you are here, talking to us lot.
Have strength.

I really am trying to stay on top of things, sticking to routines and making plans to fill our weekends.

The children don't know yet as h normally works away alot so nothing mnch has changed for them. They have heard some rows though. Ds1 (8) has asked why i keep shouting on the phone, he is very snsitive and is asking alot more about where daddy is than he would normally.

My dd is nearly 7 and i worry so much how this will affect her as she has such a romantis view of love and marriage and "happy ever after" (thanks to disney!) that i feel so sad her innocence will be shattered at such a young age.

I'm also angry that at 3 ds2 is going to be too young to remember our "family". H really hasn't thought at all about how this will affect them. He keeps saying "nothing will change for the kids but he really has no idea.

God i hate him for what he's done.

Thank you all for letting me rant, it really does help.

ambercat I think you should be honest with your children as they know something is wrong and its better coming from you rather than someone else, if they find out from someone else you will then be bad cop and your ex will be the good cop as he hasn't hid anything from them, I think its good that your 3 rd children won't remember the family as it will be one less child to be emotionally hurt ove the split.

Ambercat, I am in exactly the same situation as you. I found an email form another woman to xdh on Mother's day about child maintenance. He told me our marriage is over!! Turns out, like yours he's been shagging around and is having an affair with a work colleague who seems to be obsessedwith me being her friend!! I mean WTF??!! anyway, back to you. I was upset, hurt and feelign everything you're going through but am in a totally different place now. Like you, my ex worked away a lot but I ahve told the children and they do see him - more now (1 day a week) than thye did when he was home - he was leading 2 lives of course but told me he was working. Anyway all his lies, deceit and betrayal have pushed me over the upset, I got angry at the lies and now I'm indifferent. having a very straight talking solicitor helped me although it took me a while to see where his advice was coming from. You will get to this point. I am still bruised by it all andit is a nightmare hanging over me but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you and your dc's like me and mine (and everyone elses!!!) will emerge stronger and happier.
talk to your friends, cry, do as Mutt suggests and I do agree with telling the children be matter of fact, reassure them and they wil come through it. My ds (6) was upset at first but seems to have rationalised it. DD (just turned 5) is more complex but is happy day to day.

You take care.
L xx

I did want to tell the children the other weekend but i am so upset and angry at the moment i don't feel ready to reassure and answer the childrens questions without crying and becoming too emotional. Also, i feel h should be the one to tell them (with me there) as he has created this situation.

H is going away for 5 months in july and i feel it is so unfair to tell them and then him bugger off and leave me with the fall out.

I really don't know what to do for the best as if we do leave it til he gets back in dec. then it will ruin xmas for them.

There is some great advice on this thread, i can't believe how many women have had this happen to them. You all sound so strong and capable, i don't feel like that

Leslaki, had your h had a child with someone else? that is one of my biggest fears.

Ambercat, that is one of all our biggest fears. The things we dread hearing are that they've moved in together, got engaged, got married, are going to have a baby. You are not alone, I promise you. On the other hand, once they do all these things together, nothing they do after that can hurt you. There are swings and roundabouts to every situation.

I hope you're okay. Had it happen to me, 4 years ago, and I feel very deeply for you. It was the most horrendous experience of my life. Keep posting. We will support you all we can. ((((Hug)))) You, too, Leslaski.

ambercat - Im sending you a msiive hug - O too am inn a very similar sitation - my ex (not married thogh so lots worse off financially) has been having affair t=for the last 6 yrs of my dd life (shes 7) am angry and am grieving I suppose for the life I felt we should be living and now wont. I wake up at stupid O clock and watch crappy late night telly to get me to sleep I feel angy and would love to hear hes been invlved in a terrible accident etc etc....) As for other woman i too fear the next thing is I will hear shes pregnant etc but hey I think shes welcome to him - if he can up sticks and leave his kids once he can certainly do it again and it will be easier for him next time - think how insecure she must feel inside! - Id love to know when I will get a good nights sleep but that will come in time - I have a long and nasty fight on my hands with my ex but am allready planning our new life - Im moving giving up my job my house my friends but instead of being negative Im being very positive - the area is lovely and Ive found a fantastic school for dd to go to Its a lovely area to grow up in. I suppose Im trying to say it does actually help to strat making new plans anad think positive about them - remember you are the one now who will be able to take the credit for all your childs achievements and how ex p will miss out on lots of lovely things (spontanious hugs teeth falling out /new teeth.sports day etc etc etc)

The other thing is theres lots of other mmn ers on here who are a lot further down the line and the common thread is that life does go on and we learn to cope and move on in a positive way.

Take care Ill think of you

Reading all these messages really does help me. I wind myself up into a right state but have found coming back to this thread or talking to someone in real life calms me down.

I am getting better at distracting myself, planning a camping trip atm but little things set me off again.

Littlewoman, your posts on my other thread have helped me so much,emotionaly, wish i could be whereyou are now, you seem to have come to terms with what has happened to you and be stronger for it.

T4g, sosorry it has happened to you aswell, i too try to think shes welcome to him and all the lies he will no doubt tell her, but a part of me still loves him and wants him back. I fear that he will change for her (he told me he was going to) and they will have my "happy ever after". I wish i could stop torturing myself with it all!

Oh no!!!! Sorry!!! Not as far as I know!! her blody email was about how much he would have to pay me for my children - she was trying to give him ways of undercutting me!!! Still a nightmare tho..

Will let you know how easy the camping trip is in August!!! Anothermum - I keep tellingmyself that aout their relationship - how can it last when they both know each other is more than capable of cheating?
yeah, he's skipping off into the sunset and buying the dcs love every weekend, but I don't NEED to buy their love - I get it in spades and that is worth anything. Even the fact that they've both been up crying and wetting the bed for the last 2 nights since seeing daddy.
At least we can hold our heads up high and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Feeling much better today, had an old friend round for lunch and it really helped to just chill out and chat in the sunshine ( mostly slagging off h and his tart!).

I think it helps that i haven't seen or heard from h for nearly 2 weeks now ( he is away with work, must be SO busy, can't even phone or email to see how his kids are).

Next week he has 2 weeks leave and will be seeing alot of the kids so i think things will kick off again but i am really going to try not to get angry with him in front of the children. We need to talk about how to tell them we have split. I would like him to do it but want to be there for them. Any ideas about what he should say?

Leslaki, where are you going camping? is it just you and the dcs? am looking for anice camp site about 1/2 an hour from home in case it rains or i can't get the tent up by myself!!

Am92, thanks for you message, i'm so sorry you are going through this shit aswell. H is planning on taking his tart on holiday when he gets back from 5 months away, so that will be another couple of weeks away from the children. Don't know how they can justify it to themselves. Have you seen a soliciter yet?

Hello girls, just checking up on you. It does get easier over time, but I remember so clearly being where you are, and how that felt. You eventually stop seeing them as 'my husband' and the jealousy of him shagging someone else stops. But the unfairness of the situation has carried on for me because he doesn't share the responsibility of our children fairly.

My xh is saving to buy a 4 bedroomed house now with his OW, and I'm so mad because he never could work when he was with me. Every time he got a job, he had an affair, so he couldn't work. Now he's buying her a house. Oooh, it makes me so mad. And I do still wish they will fall off a mountain on one of their skiing holidays lol. What the heck, we're only human

My strength gets tested by the effect this hs had on dd's little heart.

I never got jealous of his next gf, who he met about 2 months after we split. It was almost as tho our relationship and our past, our dd was the most important. It had stood time iyswim, and the fact he was shagging someone else, and being this 'great guy' towards her, i just poo pooed it, becuase my hurt was real. my hurt and disappointment and anger towards his attitude towards our marriage.

I still don't give at toss about them as a couple, I nkow and remember what WE had.

It's the lack of respect for a little child, that hurts now.

Absolutely agree piratecat. How do you do that to your kids? We all want to run away from our responsibilities sometimes, but we don't do it. I don't understand how people can live with themselves once they have. I suppose they say the resident parent was intolerable, so they had to leave them. It's the only way of justifying it.

Yes over time I have wondered and felt injustice at what he may be saying t hi new gf about our life together. I think they start to bedn the truth a little, to justify it as you say. I think mine has lost the plot completely, and blocked out the real tender and kind times we had together, to be able to keep going on his path.
This then results in frustration, and tbh denial of dd as a personwho needs him.

Then how do we make it better for the children Involved? I get angry and weary of dd's tears. I can't fix them, but we do keep going.