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Original poster

DD (14yo) doesn't want see her dad anymore

27 replies

Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 07:58

My DD (14yo) doesn't want to see her dad anymore. We are in the middle of enforcement family court proceedings and father is so desperate trying to force her to say "I am manipulating her" before the next hearing, that in the past visits she has come home crying and emotionally disturbed. I support her in her decision as I am extremely concerned with her mental health (there are other serious issues in their relationship also, due to father's controlling behaviour). I already sent my position statement to the court for the next hearing; due to the new development of the situation, should I write another one?
Thank you.

OP posts:
Igmum · 05/10/2025 08:03

Yes I think so, include as many details and dates as you can. Family Courts can be awful at not listening to mums but fortunately your daughter is now 14 and they really do need to pay attention to her wishes. Fortunately too the idea that mothers exert total mind control over their children is starting to be questioned. If her dad is violent, controlling or abusive please give all of the details you can. Good luck

JohnofWessex · 05/10/2025 08:03

Given her age the Court should take her opinion into account.

I might start by making a GP's appointment about her mental health

Myfridgeiscool · 05/10/2025 08:09

This sounds so distressing for both of you. Is she still seeing him? Court should listen to her wishes now she’s 14. I’d be asking them to speak to her. Have Cafcass been involved yet?

Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 08:12

Igmum · 05/10/2025 08:03

Yes I think so, include as many details and dates as you can. Family Courts can be awful at not listening to mums but fortunately your daughter is now 14 and they really do need to pay attention to her wishes. Fortunately too the idea that mothers exert total mind control over their children is starting to be questioned. If her dad is violent, controlling or abusive please give all of the details you can. Good luck

Thank you for your input. I have the dates and statement from her psychologist. I will prepare a supplemental statement today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 08:17

JohnofWessex · 05/10/2025 08:03

Given her age the Court should take her opinion into account.

I might start by making a GP's appointment about her mental health

Thank you. My daughter opens up to her psychologist (they have been talking for three years now), and when I suggest talking to a school teacher , or gp (as I know the courts give them more weight), she says she doesn't feel comfortable to open up to them snd that sje already has domeone to talk to. I get her, but at the same time I know I have to back up the case with as much evidence as possible. Due to the pressure she already get from her father, I decided to not insist on her talking to other adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 08:19

Myfridgeiscool · 05/10/2025 08:09

This sounds so distressing for both of you. Is she still seeing him? Court should listen to her wishes now she’s 14. I’d be asking them to speak to her. Have Cafcass been involved yet?

Thanks. She was seeing him until Thursday, when she came back home cdying for the third time in a roll.Now she says she doesn't want to see him anymore.

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 05/10/2025 08:29

That's really upsetting to hear. My DD no longer wants to see her dad, she’s stopped contact. Does your daughter feel able to do this?

Nonameagain31 · 05/10/2025 08:33

Does she say exactly why she doesn’t want to see him? Can you request Cafcass to get involved - think it’s called section 7 report.

YouForgotToTurnItOff · 05/10/2025 08:39

In our situation Cafcass met him, saw where he lived and interviewed him on what he saw as his future with DC. They then presented to the Court. We had a long Court process because he has mental health issues, which despite him being verbally abusive in the Court did feel quite unfair to me as it was determined early on he had not seen his mental health team or doctors in years, but that is the way he was acting. Because of that he thankfully didn't get the full custody he wanted and with Cafcass determining he lived in a 1 bed with another man, the Court decided he wasn't able to be responsible for anyone else.

I'd start by getting Cafcass involved as they also asked DC to write letters to the Court to explain what they wanted. Unfortunately they were all scared of him in our case.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/10/2025 08:40

@Iamvictorio the courts wont be able to force a 14 year old to see their father. she sound like she needs a long time away from him with his harassment

Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:04

Myfridgeiscool · 05/10/2025 08:29

That's really upsetting to hear. My DD no longer wants to see her dad, she’s stopped contact. Does your daughter feel able to do this?

She does and actually, she feels safer in doing so. Did your DD stopped as a teenager also? Was there a CAO in place? How the courts deal with situations like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:05

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/10/2025 08:40

@Iamvictorio the courts wont be able to force a 14 year old to see their father. she sound like she needs a long time away from him with his harassment

She is scared of him and doesn't feel safe with him. When her grandpas are visiting, she likes going there because she feels safe. But when only her father and wife are in the house, she feels afraid.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 05/10/2025 09:08

Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:05

She is scared of him and doesn't feel safe with him. When her grandpas are visiting, she likes going there because she feels safe. But when only her father and wife are in the house, she feels afraid.

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If she is not safe why haven't you called the police and told them what they are doing

Woompund · 05/10/2025 09:10

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 09:08

If she is not safe why haven't you called the police and told them what they are doing

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Feeling unsafe and experiencing actual criminal behaviour isn't the same thing. I'm sure if there was something to call the police over OP would have done it

Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:11

YouForgotToTurnItOff · 05/10/2025 08:39

In our situation Cafcass met him, saw where he lived and interviewed him on what he saw as his future with DC. They then presented to the Court. We had a long Court process because he has mental health issues, which despite him being verbally abusive in the Court did feel quite unfair to me as it was determined early on he had not seen his mental health team or doctors in years, but that is the way he was acting. Because of that he thankfully didn't get the full custody he wanted and with Cafcass determining he lived in a 1 bed with another man, the Court decided he wasn't able to be responsible for anyone else.

I'd start by getting Cafcass involved as they also asked DC to write letters to the Court to explain what they wanted. Unfortunately they were all scared of him in our case.

It is difficult going through all this situation. Cafcass was involved before, my DD disclosed what was going on, them they suggested a plan to slowly rebuild the relationship. As father didn't change his behaviour, DD started avoiding contact even more. Hence father applying for enforcement.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 05/10/2025 09:12

Woompund · 05/10/2025 09:10

Feeling unsafe and experiencing actual criminal behaviour isn't the same thing. I'm sure if there was something to call the police over OP would have done it

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Then the child needs serious mental help, not seeing her father is not the answer then

Something doesn't add up

Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:13

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 09:08

If she is not safe why haven't you called the police and told them what they are doing

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I had in the past called social services and reported it several times. I went to police stations to make reports. But try and report emotional abuse, and coercive control behaviour and then come back to tell me the result.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:22

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 09:12

Then the child needs serious mental help, not seeing her father is not the answer then

Something doesn't add up

Show quote history

When a person is mentally abusing other, one of the steps towards recovery is to have distance from the abuser and stick to boundaries. A child who is afraid and suffering emotional and verbal abuse won't have all the clarity and maturity to take such steps, as an adult who loves herself/himself would. But human instict of survival kicks in in children to - something says "that is not right; I don't feel safe" and some children/teens take the decision to avoid to have to be in environments like that at all costs again. It takes courage, and this is not for everybody.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:31

How the courts deal with cases like this, when teen wants to stop all contact despite a CAO in place? Do you have any experience with it?

OP posts:
YouForgotToTurnItOff · 05/10/2025 09:31

Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:11

It is difficult going through all this situation. Cafcass was involved before, my DD disclosed what was going on, them they suggested a plan to slowly rebuild the relationship. As father didn't change his behaviour, DD started avoiding contact even more. Hence father applying for enforcement.

Show quote history

It can feel like they are giving them too many chances, especially if you are worried about safety but they bend over backwards to try every possibility to keep that child in the other parent's life. It does feel very rough as the parent having to watch but at least no one can say you didn't give him a chance. They made a lot of notes about my attitude to letting them try to sort out the situation, which was extremely hard as you don't want to put your kids in danger but the Judges did note in the summary notes that I had done everything possible to enable contact. Mostly though the letters from DC were what they paid attention to the most.

Original poster
Iamvictorio · 05/10/2025 09:35

YouForgotToTurnItOff · 05/10/2025 09:31

It can feel like they are giving them too many chances, especially if you are worried about safety but they bend over backwards to try every possibility to keep that child in the other parent's life. It does feel very rough as the parent having to watch but at least no one can say you didn't give him a chance. They made a lot of notes about my attitude to letting them try to sort out the situation, which was extremely hard as you don't want to put your kids in danger but the Judges did note in the summary notes that I had done everything possible to enable contact. Mostly though the letters from DC were what they paid attention to the most.

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Thank you for your input; really helpful. Cafcass will probaby be on board again, and this time I hope will be the last.

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 05/10/2025 09:59

CAO order is still in place. Ex hopefully realises that to try to enforce it won’t work.
DD is 13 and Gillick competent.

TickingKey46 · 05/10/2025 13:46

Let's be honest, no one can force a 14 year old to see the other parent. Court orders expect you to make the child available for contact, thats all. I know it's flipping hard (I've been there). But I wouldn't sweat, encourage her to have a voice and for her to be able to change her mind at any point.
Maybe she would just like to see him for tea, but no sleep overs. Or just when her grandad is there. But be very careful that it doesnt look as if itd coming from you,
Ps the courts dont always get it wrong, certainly got it right ib my case

TickingKey46 · 05/10/2025 13:46

Let's be honest, no one can force a 14 year old to see the other parent. Court orders expect you to make the child available for contact, thats all. I know it's flipping hard (I've been there). But I wouldn't sweat, encourage her to have a voice and for her to be able to change her mind at any point.
Maybe she would just like to see him for tea, but no sleep overs. Or just when her grandad is there. But be very careful that it doesnt look as if itd coming from you,
Ps the courts dont always get it wrong, certainly got it right ib my case

Danioyellow · 05/10/2025 13:48

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 09:08

If she is not safe why haven't you called the police and told them what they are doing

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Why do you think the ops being taken to court? She’s clearly already tried to help her dd and this is the outcome