Can I pop in here for a bit of support..not technically a lone parent full time but.....

[IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern]

DH works away and is away 23 days and home for 5 at the moment and I am struggling.
I feel like a single parent, DH will probably never work close to home again and he is away more than he is here.
I am permenantly shattered, DS is a poor sleeper and cannot speak yet and extremely frustrated when he cannot make hmself understood so is having some super tantrums which in trn is causing dd to play up to get a bit of attention.
I am feeling torn in different directions and any routine has just gone out the window which is just making my chaos at home worse. My house is a tip and I just cannot seem to get back on top of it.

I am not very good at telling people I need help it makes me feel vulnerable and open and that is something I am not very good at but I am stressed to my ears and could cry at times.

I know I am not really a lone parent but I thought you lovely people may understand a bit how I feel, I find it so hard sometimes doing it all on my own any tips on how to pul it all back together and get a bit of control back in my life?

Message withdrawn

Sorry but this is one of the things that really gets to us lone parents. I know you must feel overwhelmed and need some support but the truth is having a partner, no matter that they are away some or even a lot of the time, is never going to show you what it's like as a lone parent.

You have someone to call on when you feel like a chat, you have company even if it is only occasionally right now (and likely to be more so at some point), you have someone else to earn money to financially support you both and probably don't have a panic attack every time a bill comes through the door, or have to deal with each and every little thing from remembering to get the car's MOT, reconciling the bank statement, sorting out the house insurance, mowing the grass and buying your own birthday card on behalf of your child as well as all the parenting stuff and housework.

Plus if you are ill or in need of help you can call your husband and he will be there. If you are very ill he can take time off work. If you had to go into hospital or something happened to you you don't have to wonder will the kids be ok and who's going to take care of them. When you go away on holiday you have someone to go with. You don't worry that you'll never have time to find someone to share it all with because you can phone him and tell him all about you and your child's day.

So yes, being a parent in any way shape or form can be very tough. And all i can say to you in your situation as you describe it is don't worry about the housework, let your standards drop a little and don't try and be superwoman. Just keep doing the best you can and ask for help from friends and family if you have any you can ask.

But please don't think you know what it's like being a lone parent. Believe me things can be a hell of a lot worse!

So stay strong and just be the best mum you can be.
Gilly

Thanks for that Mllie. I don't work I would love to get back out to work even part-time but childcare up here is a big problem. I live in the Scottish Highlands and am not over-run with childcare options. DD is in nursery attatched to the school in the afternoons and the only creche in town is in the mornings and overlaps pick up and drop off. I was thinking about putting ds in after the summer a few mornings a week because dd will be in school then so times work out well.
I used to go to a toddler group there are only 2 in our area and again they both overlap dd's nursery tbh it is the same women that go to both and I stopped going for various reasons one of them being that they all (and I mean all) of them started this massive horrid witch hunt after one of the other mums who was in a less fortunate situation than themselves and it was nasty and I just couldn't look at any of these women after that.

There is a daycare nursery jst opened up in town I might look into that as well, get a break once or twice a week. DS is not short of other children to play with but I think I need a bit of space.

As for the hosuework m god you should see it, I havenever been in such a state in my life. I was never spotless but never this bad, I think it has just overtaken me a bit and I need to just get back into it that could be my project if I get ds into childcare a day or 2 a week.

Oh well Gilly that is me told isn't it. I think your rather patronising post sums up the atmosphere on mumsnet at the moment.
I never said I knew 100% what it was like to be a lone parent but I came looking for a bit of support and advice from people who do.
You know what my husband can be anywhere in the world so I can't call him and he will be there. He cannot drop everything and rush home for one if he does what do we live on and 2 it can take days to get here so yes I do worry what would happen to my children if anything happened to me in an emergency. I also can't phone him and tell him about my day I have to wait until he can phone me which depending on where he is, is not every day and sometimes the middle of the night.
Who are you to tell me that I don't have to MOT the car, mow the grass I have had to do it bloody all since he went away including learning stuff I never had to do before. And as for my financial situation that you have no idea about.

The old saying stands if you can't say anything nice don's say it. You have no real idea what my life is anymore than I have you so do not patronise me.
You know what sorry I posted now.

it is a leetle tactless ineeda, given just how much lone parents struggle. Maybe re-post this in another topic? Am sure people with partners who work away can give a lot more advice?

I don't agree with gilly. This doesn't bother me at all. Being a parent is tough, doing it alone is tougher, whether that is completely alone forever, or alone for a few days or weeks. Some of my friends husbands work away from home a lot (not as much as yours though) and it is really tough on them. Tougher than being a lone parent all the time IMO, because they are used to the support. Ok, you might not be completely alone and you do have someone to rely on in an emergency, but so do a lot of lone parents, I have family and friends for example. I can't really give you any practical tips, I'm just kind of muddling through, living in a tip most of the time and going slowly mad. Write a lot of lists, that seems to help. Things to do today etc.

But Gilly, when you have that support and then it's not there a while, it must feel overwhelming.
I'm in a totally different situation myself. I've lived on my own since early 1997, brought up my Ds alone, met my Dp in late 2004 and have Dd with him. But! we don't live together, he works away M-F and does a lot of things on a weekend, these things don't always include me and our Dd so often I go weeks without seeing him(no, he's not married). I too am responsible for all the bills and running of the house and I haven't had a holiday in years with or without Dp. He has just returned from a week abroard so that he could de stress and unwind I could say ' what about me' but I don't because I can't afford a break and wouldn't be comfortable him paying, but that's me.
Up until Dd I worked full time, leaving the house at 05:45 and not getting back through the front door until 20:30 and that was the easy part. It was tremendously more difficult when Ds was a baby and he was exclusively breastfed. This all led to me becoming ill and I have never recovered fully with small relapses and currently a big one. I'm taking a career break atm so that I can cope with all of this and also childcare is just too expensive to make working a viable prospect for now. I then get sneered at for claiming benefitswhich I feel is unjust after paying my dues for 27+ years.
It's taken me ages to think this out and type it as I have ' brain fog' right now, so I don't think I can offer Ineeda anything atm except to say that my house is in permanent chaos, my 9yo is constantly bored and I'm constantly tired...don't sleep/can't sleep/won't sleep...that's Dd, me and ME.
Don't sweat the small stuff and know that you aren't alone, there are plenty of us and whilst i know this isn't helpful, there's always someone to ' chat' to here on MN.
Hope you feel better about things soon.x
And I hope this all reads ok, because I don't have the energy to read it all back again(already checked through and corrected mistakes)and I must go now.

I feel ratty too if the house is a tip, and if I don't get a break and/or some time to myself.

Are you in a position to 'throw' a bit of money at the problem by outsourcing some of the workload - ie, get some childcare, some cleaning help with the house, or some gardening/grass cutting?

Sorry Oranges, I have never claimed that I know 100% what single parents face BUT I don't see how that struggle is any less for someone whos partner works away from home. My DH gets 5 days off a month that includes a days travel each way so he is at home for 3 days a month. The rest of the time it all falls to me, I am responsible for evrything in this house from children to burst pipes and a lot of this when dh was at home I never had to deal with alone. Thie trip in fact he went away on Tuesday and will not be back until August now and probably still only for those 3 full days, in that time I won't have anyone to take the children for me, I won't have anyone to suport e through children/me being ill or at the end of a bad day.
It took me a long time to build up to posting on this topic and I thought that some of the people on here could offer some practical advice on how to get through some of the tougher times and now I wish I hadn't. I joined MN afer it being recommended when DS was born and I think it is a shame that when someone needs help and support things like this happen. Not just here but on a lot of topics.

To those of you here that have been welcoming and offered some advice I thank you, it is nice seeing a fresh perspective on it and you have been very helpful.

Earlybird I could probably stretch to either a cleaner or childcare of some sort I think I might look into seeing if someone can take ds once or twice a week while dd is at nursery to give me a chance to get some sort of order back.

I am a lone parent and it sure sounds like you have it s lot harder than me.

All parents have it tough one way or another, whether they have a partner or not

I think it's the loneliness of being a lone parent that is the thing that is a) the hardest bit and b) the most difficult thing for others to understand. Take a look at recent topics about finding a new partner and the comments from lone parents (who I'm sure are all great people) about being on the shelf at 20, 30 or whatever age.
Yes parenting can be exhausting whatever your circumstances but having someone come home at the end of the day (or month) to tell you you're doing a great job, hug you and care as much as you do about your children is irreplaceable, however much 'support' you've got. Also, if you are in fact married (albeit with DH away a lot) you're not facing the stigma and judgements of those who believe we're all scroungers who got ourselves into this situation to get a council house or claim benefits.
Ineed - it does sound like you're struggling and yes it is hard. What I'm think I'm trying to say (and I'm not wanting to have a go - just to explain) is that you're lucky to have someone who loves you, at whatever distance, because many of us here feel like we may never have that again. (break out the violins for snotbuster please).

I have already said I won't be posting on this topic again. I thought I may get a bt of advice on finding myself in this situation but obviously not.
I had no intention of coming on here crying about how hard I have it and in all honesty am shocked and saddened by a couple of these posts.

Sorry I don't have it hard enough for some of you but you know what it took a bloody lot for me to admit I was struggling I know not to bother again.

Although I wouldn't have posted your OP on this topic, I think most people here have been quite sympathetic in all honesty. Gilly's post was a bit bitter. Just ignore.

My dp works away a fair bit and I also find it lonely. I agree with whoever said about making lists. They seem to make things more manageable and under control, and ticking things off really makes you think you've achieved something (don't make the list too long!)

you just keep going, thats about it really, it's thankless, but there it is. Its joyous too, so that outweighs the lonely stuff alot of the time.

When it isn't joyous, its dull and boring.

just keep going.

Gilly, your post was mean, and unnecessary. Did it make you feel better, upsetting someone?

Whether one is single-parenting full-time, or for some days a week/month is irrelevant. It still seems very lonely and hard sometimes.

My dh was away Mon-Fri over a 3 year period, and I found it very hard. Agree about having a bedtime routine, that really does help, it gets you a little "me time". Other than that, I think trying to maintain a strict routine actually adds to the feeling of drudgery about the whole deal. Try to give yourself treats now and then, a couple of times a week, if you can afford it. Go for a nice coffee whedn you are out shopping, splurge £3 on a magazine or book.

I bought a few box-set DVDs of my favourite comedy shows to put on when I was feeling particularly low/lonely. One problem with single-parenting is never having anyone to show you the funny side of the day-to-day disasters that happen. So you need other things to help you have a laugh.

I would also really recommend getting someone to help you with the housework. If you can't get someone regularly, then is there an agency up there who will come and do a one-off really good clean? At least then you can 'start from scratch'.

And can you find a baby sitter? I found going to the pub quiz one night a week was my lifeline. It was the one point in the week when I wasn't Mummy.

I hope you are reading this. Please ignore Gilly, the rest of us don't mind this post at all.

I agree most people have been symathetic and have thanked those people.
What is a lone parent though, ok I am no a "single parent" but I am doing it alone for the biggest majority of the time and will be doing it until DH retires.
What bugged me is the basis people were defining who could post on this topic, someone above mentioned relationships what about those lone parents that have found another relationship maybe a boyfriend who stays over a weekend or 2 a month are they going by that persons defenition they have someone that loves them that is there at the end of some the day on the phone, there in person occassionaly should. GOing by the above definition they shouldn't post on here either then.

I have never anywhere belittled or claimed to know what it was like but I thought some people on here may give me tips on how to cope in the situation I am in now for all intents and purposes I am alone 3 days a months doesn't make a full time parent or partner and I am on a whole learning curve here and though foolishly obviously that a bunch of grown women also doing it alone might actually offer some advice.
The majority have but those that haven't have been patronising and scathing and really not a good advert for MN if I had been a first time poster I wouldn't have hurried back.

I don't think Gilly's post was 'mean' - just quite an accurate description of being a lone parent!

Hey Ineeda... please don't be put off asking for help because of some negative comments.

Don't be like I was and scared of asking for help-it's nothing to be ashamed of and the sooner you get help the better it'll get.People thought 'wooga's alright,she never needs us' because I didn't want to admit to struggling with things,my ds had speech delay along with asd and it got him so frustrated-I in turn felt helpless and useless for not being able to help him.

I ended up with anxiety/depression and the more I kept to myself the worse it got.

Although I think I was susceptible to the depression anyway,I do feel that,had I a better support network around me,it wouldn't have got to the stage it did before I cried out for help.

Please accept any help that's offered to you and don't feel guilty about it!Also,if you can get out of the house and get fresh air,see people,sod the housework(!),it'll do much for for you than having a tidy home!

Ineeda, concentrate on us positive ones ...

Do any of our ideas appeal to you?

Clumsymum yes I think there has been some good ideas in fact I took up one of yours tonight and dug out some DVD'd I have never sat down and watched.
I also think I will look into some childcare even for one day a week when dd is at nrsery or something for ds to get a bit of time on my own and even to get on with some housework.

I think one of the things is exactly like you yourself said I need some non mummy time because right now that is all I am and am losing a bit of myself my days blend into one another I think I need some me time to look forward to.

i dont think gillys post was mean either!

just the truth!

i also get a bit annoyed when people say they live like a single parent just cos their partner works away sometimes.
Its NOT the same at all.
My ex used to work away all the time when we were together, and i didnt mind. i could talk to him whenever, and still know that i was loved.

but now i am totally and utterly alone. nobody to phone or text when i feel low. nobody to care what the kids have done at school that day, that some other kid was picking on them.
Nobody to nip to the shop for a pint of milk whilst you cook for the masses.

There is nobody there. Nobody to communicate with and share stuff with.
Yes , it can be a fucking miserable life, but its twice as hard as someone whose partner works away, ie, your partner is always at the end of the phone. Your partner RETURNS sooner or later.

Again then allgonebellyup does that mean someone in a new relationship even if not living togther is not entitled to class themselves as a lone paretn then? They have someone on the end of a phone to talk to, to care how your day goes and loves you?
Again I have never clamed to be in exactly the same situation but I think like any situation there are people in better or worse situations.
By the nature of DH job he isn't on the end of the phone whenever I need him if I am lucky (and I mean very lucky) we may get 5-10 minutes on a bad line not much to talk when I am having a shitty time. I don't have anyone here when it is pouring with rain and blowing a gale at tea time when I have run out of milk.

It is not dh I can text if I have a shitty day it is my mum or a friend.
I have never ever pretended to say I know how you or anybody else lives and on the same token you don't know how I live.
In all honesty it actually makes me quite sad that some of you have judged the way you have and it is soooo sad that you seem to be having this I have it much worse thing going on.
One way or another we are in a similar boat, some actual lone parents are better AND worse off than me AND you we are all just trying to make the best of a hard time. It is not a competition on who is worse off and it is sad in more ways than one that you feel the need to make it that way.

Which bit of Gilly's post was mean? I thought she was very polite and reasoned. I think the problem was that one little sentence "I feel like a lone parent". I remember saying that when I was with my xp and now I laugh when I think about how little understanding I had about it and I now understand what an insensitive use of language that would have been if I'd said it to a RL LP. It's not that anyone's condemning you for not knowing what it really feels like, OP, it's just that Gilly was just picking up on a careless use of language which just happens sometimes, it's no big deal.

Which doesn't mean of course, that the way you're feeling isn't valid, or that you've got no right to post on this section of the board for help and advice. Or that there aren't worse feelings than that of a lone parent (living with a lunatic is a considerably worse feeling ime ). Of course it's not a competition, don't worry about posting here I'm sure you'll get lots of help and advice (though not from me, I haven't got a clue how to be a successful LP and I've been doing it for nearly seven years).

I think a apart from some very nice people a lot of people have been mean actually. I never wanted to say that but hey I did.
I am sorry if you think it was an insensitive use of language but I stand by it, I do feel like a lone parent. I do it all, all the shitty stuff, all the fun stuff, the house, the car everything. DH comes home and has one long weekend a month and gets to do all the fun stuff, day trips presents etc.
So I have a DH yes, I have friends who would fit in better with some of your ideas of a lone parent that have boyfrineds/girlfriends and see a lot more of them than we do of DH is it different in some way because they are not the children involved fathers?

I have been belittled and criticised on this thread had I said DH is a layabout I feel like a lone parent then yeah have a go but I am on my own day in day out, learning how to do things I have never had to do before, worrying about paying bills, buying shoes for the children etc. and I posted asking pwople who I thought might have some insghtful advice and have been slated by some for it.

Oh and I did live with a complete violent lunatic once and it was considerably worse I have to agree, and after I got out when he stalked me right up until I was pregnant with dd, living with dh because he thought I would go back to him.