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Lone parents

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Original poster

Changing names... is it wrong?

26 replies

meerkatmum · 28/05/2008 23:05

My DD is 3 yrs, and there has been no contact with her dad this year. I want to change her surname to be the same as mine. When she is older i want her to feel like the two of us belong together, not that she was rejected by her father. Is this wrong?

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harpomarx · 28/05/2008 23:10

I would say, given there has been no contact but I don't really hold with taking the bloke's name anyway.

dd has both our surnames (i am separated too) but I am tending to use just mine as I think the double-barrelled one is really over the top.

I'm not sure of the legality of it though - sure someone else will be along soon who knows!

harpomarx · 28/05/2008 23:11

the legality of your wanting to change the name, I mean.

madamez · 28/05/2008 23:15

It depends if you were married to the father and if his name is on the birth certificate. If it's 'yes' to either of these you cannot legally change a child's name without the father's consent. If you have no contact with him because he doesn't want to be a father then he may well give his consent anyway, but you do have to ask him.

Original poster

meerkatmum · 28/05/2008 23:20

Never married, but his name is on the certificate. I have tried to contact him without success, so I don't know where he is. Do know where his parents are, who are in contact with him. I know I will never get his consent to change dd name. Am I stuck?

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harpomarx · 28/05/2008 23:20

sorry, just re-read my first post and realised that it is gobbledegook!

I meant to say, no, I don't think it's wrong in principle, but as madamez has said you need to check out the legal situation.

Original poster

meerkatmum · 28/05/2008 23:28

Thank-you, good to know I'm not thinking of committing the worst crime ever!

OP posts:

shelleylou · 28/05/2008 23:32

You can change it by deedpoll if you send an accompanying letter dtating the steps you have made to contact the father to gain his consent. I dont know how long they deem accpetable as trying though.

Original poster

meerkatmum · 28/05/2008 23:42

Thats interesting; I'm holding off telling DD what her surname is so I don't confuse her, but I can't wait much longer she's very inquisitive.

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Original poster

meerkatmum · 28/05/2008 23:49

Seems there has to be no contact, whether visitation or maintenance (no problem there) for several years. So much for a quick-fix!

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shelleylou · 28/05/2008 23:52

I know how you feel about changing your dd's name. I want to change my ds's but his dad has contact so i cant go down that route.He agrees then changes his mind as my surname would be part of his surname not a middle name IYKWIM. Thers no way hell let me change ds surname from his to mine i know that so trying to get a comprimise

Original poster

meerkatmum · 29/05/2008 00:15

Good luck shellylou. I think children having the same surname as the parent who does the day to day job of parenting makes sense for loads of practical reasons (dentist appt etc.), but i suspect xp's view the keeping of their surnames as a bit of an ego-boost. I could be wrong?

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OverMyDeadBody · 29/05/2008 00:25

I think men who have no contact with their kids and don't pay maintanance but refuse to give consent to name change just do it to be spiteful tbh.

You know you can let your DC be 'known by' another surname other than their official one at school and nursery, that's what i did with DS. Then after three years of no contact or maintanance I tracked my ex down and got him to sign a consent form for DS's name change. It didn't take much tbh, shows how much he really cares

Now DS has the same surname as me, officially, on his passport and evrything, it is so much better and feels much more 'right'. After all, it is the two of us who are a family.

Be careful if you go down the deed poll route with a letter stating there is no contact with the father. This is what I did at first and easily got the deed poll, but the passport office didn't accept it, which is why I had to get my ex's consent.

gillybean2 · 29/05/2008 09:08

Not what you want to hear but please be aware that it is illegal to cause your child to be known or called by a name other than the one on their birth certificate. If you go into school and say my child's name is [new surname] and then your ex kicks up a fuss the school will have no choice but the call your child by the name on their birth certificate and that will lead to all kinds of complications and confusion for your child. Think very carefully before you go about doing this without checking it all out properly and then get some legal advice (use your free half hour witha sol or the CAB).

If you are that determined to have the same name as your child would you not consider changing your own surname by deed poll? Amd if you don't like the idea of that then why would your ex like the idea of changing your child's name.

Also what happens in the future if you then get married and change your surname as a result. Your child will then not have the same surname whatever you changed it too.

It is not unusal for parents to have different surnames to their children. And yes their school friends will call you Mrs [ex] regardless. But you just tell them, I'm not Mrs [ex], my name is Miss {surname} but you should just call me [name]. This works for several of the mum's at my son's school.

Gilly

usgirls · 29/05/2008 09:10

I wanted to change dd's surname to mine, but xp's name on the birth certificate means I can't without his consent as he has PR. I also thought dd would be better off with my name, but actually I now think having her daddy's name is better for her because, yes, I'm her main carer, but she was created by me and her daddy and I think she'll like having his name as she grows up. Lots of kids have different names to their mums and don't have issues with it. But then, my xp is in dd's life so I guess I have a different take on this. A word of warning though, if you changed your dd's name without your xp's consent, he could take you to court to get it changed back.

shelleylou · 29/05/2008 10:59

He asked me before ds was born if he could have his surname. Its only him that can carry on the family name IYKWIM.
Im quite offen called Mrs Ex rahter than Miss surname as Gilly said. It did use to really bother me not long after we split up but now ive accepted it, i just correct them and smile sweetly. Although i have been known not to say anything but they were more times when my ds was the most important thing i.e health issues and myself being worried.

Tinkerbel6 · 29/05/2008 13:30

My friend was told by someone at the CAB that it was ok to change her daughter's surname to her own but her original surname would be shown on the birth certificate and would have to use that if she wanted to get a passport.

Blandmum · 29/05/2008 13:32

You can call yourself , or your child, whatever you like. Schools will generally be accommodating to your wishes, but you have to make it very clear that the child is known as DC X when the Birth certificate is DC Y....I've know mix ups to happen, and children get upset in the confusion

Original poster

meerkatmum · 29/05/2008 21:23

I have a different surname to my Mum (she remarried) and it always bothered me as a child. I like the idea of dd using my name until a substantial amount of time has passed, I'm sure without contact or child-support and I can go to the Courts to get it changed legally. Ladies you have given me plenty of food for thought - much appreciated.

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Aarrgghh · 29/05/2008 21:49

No its not wrong, i think as her main carer you should. My ds has same name as me - recently he was re-registered to include his fathers details and they asked if i wanted to change his surname to his name. I point blank told them no as he does not want to know him. An uncomfortable silence for all....

Original poster

meerkatmum · 29/05/2008 22:06

Aarrgghh, that's funny.. it reminds me of when I went to get dd registered. Took xp with me to include him name; when it came time for her surname he screamed at me that unless she had his, he wouldn't constent to have his name on the cert! The poor Registrar didn't know where to put her face -I conceeded, but in hindsight I should have laughed at him, and registered dd with the correct surname... mine!!

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goingbonkers · 29/05/2008 22:43

Can I be so rude as to hi-jack the thread for a moment...? Yes?? Oh thank you! My Ex is not on the birth cert (my choice as he buggered off when I was 10wks preg!) My DD has my surname. He has not had contact for 2 yrs now (his choice .. cough.. wanker!) and has never paid a penny maintenance.

I am in a relationship that is likely to head down the aisle (not just yet but in the not too distant future.) Can I change my DD's name to that of my new hubby without Ex-wankers consent?

cluelessnchaos · 29/05/2008 22:46

my dd1 has been known by my surname, unofficially, since she was 4, I waited until this year when she turned 10 to give her an opinion before changing her name by deed poll

shelleylou · 30/05/2008 10:35

going, yes you can as you werent married to EX and he isnt on the birth certificate he isnt classed as having PR

lostdad · 30/05/2008 10:41

I can see the OP's point here - especially if there is no contact with her daughter's father.

But.

That will give her a second surname. What if the OP remarries? Will she change it again? Or leave it so her DD has a difference surname to her again?

In law if her ex has PR and he is on the birth certificate his written permission is needed. In law causing the child to be known by a different name is illegal.

Personally (and I know my situation is different because I am a fully involved father) if I found out my ex had tried to change my son's surname I would be filling papers in court before the day was out.

Original poster

meerkatmum · 01/06/2008 22:43

Lostdad its good to know there are some fathers out there that give two hoots about their dc.

Spite rather than a parental concern would stop my ex giving me constent to change dd surname. I know that he would never bother to go to court, he has far too much going on in his life to bother with that route - he can't even manage a 5 minute phonecall to see how dd is!!

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