he said he ‘might’ come to the 20 week scan - don’t know why i bothered telling him tbh

[TiredButTryin5x]

don’t even know why i’m posting. just need to get it out.

told baby’s dad the date for the 20 week scan earlier. finally got it through the post yesterday. it’s in sept, feels ages away but also round the corner? anyway i said it’s the big one, might find out the gender, could be nice if he came.
he just shrugged n said “i might be able to” 😐

felt like i got punched in the stomach. like what’s the point. i already went to the 12 week on my own. sat in that waiting room full of couples. got handed the scan pics n didn’t even know if i should send him one. did anyway. no reply till next day.

he says he cares. he says he’s “just not good with this stuff”. but how hard is it to say “yes i’ll be there” ??? he’s not even got the kids like i do. he works, yeah, but he’s not cleaning schools at 5am then doing tea, tantrums, xbox fights n bedtime alone every night.

just feels like i’m already doing this alone n the baby’s not even here yet. he never bonded with my other boys either. always got an excuse – “they’re not mine”, “they’re a handful”, “they don’t listen to me”. well neither do i half the time mate. 🙄

sorry i’m rambling. just feel small tonight. stupid for hoping. i keep telling myself it’s better he’s in baby’s life even a bit than not at all – but i don’t even know if that’s true.

don’t want to go to another scan alone. but don’t want to sit next to someone who clearly doesn’t even want to be there either.

x

Is he your XP, rather than DP?
is this your first DC with him?

Are you in a relationship with him or not?

If yes, then he needs to step up, make an effort with your kids and commit to family life. Tell him he needs to be at the scan.

If no, then accept you’re on your own, he can’t be relied on. Don’t let him swan in and out of yours and your children’s lives as it suits him. You all deserve more than that.

Don’t waste any more of your life with this waste of space.
He does not care about you, the baby or your other children.
The most that you can hope for is that he will pay maintenance- and even that is highly unlikely.

Since you've put this in lone parents I'm assuming you're not a couple.

I think you're doing the right thing, you xabt make him care but you can give him e ery opportunity to demonstrate it and if/when he fails it'll remind you you're better without him in your life.

Take your mum or best friend or whoever will be excited for you x

I’m not sure what you’re looking for from your posts, it’s clear you’ve chosen another deadbeat man to have a child with to the detriment of your existing children in a set up that is less than ideal.

Do you have any real life support from midwives or other services or family? Because it sounds like you desperately need it.

I've been here OP.
My ex husband walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second child. Between the time of the pregnancy and the birth he was so uninterested and absent. He paid no interest in any of scans or our wellbeing. He didn't come to anything, nor even the birth.

I never understood it, and it hurt so much. But looking back now I'm SO glad that he wasn't there. Instead my lovely mum was, and me and my mum shared all them moments together.

You're grieving what you thought your pregnancy would look like. You have to feel those feelings and let them go, but make sure you make time for the other feelings too ❤️

It's not clear if you're in a relationship with the Dad of your unborn baby. In all honesty, he doesn't sound particularly interested in you or his unborn child. You state he hasn't bonded with your current children; he doesn't want to bond with your children, he's not interested in them. How long have you been together? If you are in a relationship with this man, then he needs to step up and start behaving like a man who's due to be a Dad in a few months time. Unfortunately, I don't think you are going to get the outcome that you clearly desperately want. He's not likely to step up, because he's simply not interested in being a Dad. You need to plan on being a lone parent, with little to no input or support from the Dad. I wouldn't be adding him to the birth certificate either, otherwise he will have parental responsibility.

Don’t waste your time asking him again , take a friend or family member who will be pleased and excited for you

Yes, this thread will probably go the way of all the others.

This is very sad @TiredButTryin5x
I'm not surprised your boyfriend isn't coming to the scan, as he is completely useless.

Also, you can't realistically expect him to help you to parent your older children.

Don't any of your boys see their real fathers?

Offering you a handhold OP. If im right it sounds like you are no longer together? If you are dump him. Has he got other children? He isn't interested OP.

Make sure you claim CMS once baby is born. Give your baby your surname too.

Have you got a close friend? A cousin? Start planning without him.

If you're not sure. You don't have to comment @sayshesheshe

?

autumn girl has been there and she’s rocking it! I don’t blame you for feeling sadness when he doesn’t answer if he want to be at the pregnancy scans with you it just makes you sad that he hasn’t “ got your back” Is he frightened of medical appointments or something or just being a selfish jerk? But at the end of the day, autumn girl is right, it’s understandable that you need some time to process your feelings of sadness that he’s not going to be your support person- but then when you’re ready, let it go- focus your time and energy on what is going to bring happiness to you and your children.

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

thanks everyone x
didn’t expect so many replies, just sat here in the dark after finally getting ds4 down. some of these have really made me think tbh.

to answer what a few of you asked – no, we’re not properly together now. think i’ve been kidding myself we were. it’s like… he comes round sometimes, calls when it suits, but never stays long. doesn’t help with the boys. not really asked anything about the baby since i told him. said all the right things at first but it’s all fizzled into nothing.

he doesn’t have other kids (far as i know) – this is his first. which makes it even harder to understand why he’s so cold about it all. he said once he was “scared” and “didn’t know what to do with babies” but like… same here mate? i’ve had 4 and i’m still scared 😅

some of you mentioned taking someone else to the scan and yeah, i think i will. maybe my sister if she can get time off. she cried when i showed her the 12 week pic so i know she’d be excited ❤️

and you’re right, all of you who said stop chasing him. i need to stop hoping he’s gonna magically change. it hurts more every time he doesn’t show up. think i needed to hear it from people outside it all, so thank you x

i don’t want baby river (that’s what i’m calling bump for now) to grow up with someone half-in half-out. none of my kids deserve that.

just hard. feeling silly.
x

Erm, so he’s using you for sex and you’re having kid number 5 with him. What could possibly go wrong? Sorry to be mean but this is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak.

You’ve got four kids and you struggle with them.
You’ve chosen to bring a fifth child into the world with a man that you’re not in a committed relationship with and who doesn’t seem to be at all thrilled about becoming a dad.

Forgive me for being blunt but you are doing this to yourself. Your life is difficult enough and you’re wilfully making it even more difficult.

I’m guessing you’ve already got whatever help is available from your own family/ friends/ network. The dad is clearly not interested, so what about his family? Can his mum help you?

Do you know his mother?

Why on earth would anyone expect his mother to get involved?
Why not his father?

i get it. i do. i know how this looks.

i know 5 kids sounds mad. i know people think i should’ve stopped at 2 or 3 or whatever the number is where i’m still allowed to be struggling but not judged. but life don’t always go to plan, and river wasn’t planned. i cried when i found out. felt sick. felt like i’d ruined everything all over again.
but i couldn’t do what some of you are probably thinking. and now they’re here, growing inside me, i want to do right by them.

as for him using me for sex – yeah maybe. or maybe i let myself believe it was more. maybe i wanted to believe someone actually liked me again after years of being invisible. doesn’t make me smart but doesn’t make him a saint either.

no i don’t know his mum. met her once by accident when she popped by his flat and i was there. she gave me a once-over and said “oh… i didn’t realise you had company.” and that was that. haven’t seen her since.

i haven’t got loads of support. my mum helps when she can but she’s got health problems. my sister’s busy with her own two. friends drifted when i kept having babies tbh. not many people check in anymore.

i know i’ve made mistakes. i’ve been in survival mode so long i don’t always think straight. but i’m trying. not making excuses – just tired. so tired.

x

You need to build a support system that doesn't include him. Don't tell him about any more scans unless he asks. Arrange alternative child care and birthing partner and a plan for post Partum support; paid help if you can save up to afford it. Register with child maintenance service immediately if he won't help out financially.

Give baby your surname. Think carefully about whether you want to bother putting him on the birth certificate giving him all of the rights but none of the responsibilities.

Brace yourself that at any point in the future he can pick up and decide he wants to see his child and would be given this by court.

5 kids?!

Jesus, I could barely manage one on my own, so I take my hat off to you...

How was the decision to keep the pregnancy made? Because it honestly sounds completely unilateral and he’s not interested in the least.

You’d be much better off just moving forward without counting on this loser who obviously won’t be showing up for this child. Pretty sure it’s been said but the last thing you’ll need postpartum is to be stressing about him.

Get yourself on the waiting list for counselling to try and heal whatever is going on with you that causes you to create these situations to yourself. It will be positive for you and ultimately for your children.

What frustrates me here is so many posters have spent so long given advice and it just goes round in circles.

Your life is incredibly hard. It is going to get significantly harder. Not just for you, for your kids too. You know this. This has not happened by accident, you aren't a passenger in your own life, you are where you are because you have chosen to be. Yet still you post over and over again looking for an alternative answer.

Sorry but I don't "take my hat off to the OP".
Sorry to be blunt but stop having sex and kids with useless men and focus on the children you already have.