don’t even know why i’m posting. just need to get it out.
told baby’s dad the date for the 20 week scan earlier. finally got it through the post yesterday. it’s in sept, feels ages away but also round the corner? anyway i said it’s the big one, might find out the gender, could be nice if he came.
he just shrugged n said “i might be able to” 😐
felt like i got punched in the stomach. like what’s the point. i already went to the 12 week on my own. sat in that waiting room full of couples. got handed the scan pics n didn’t even know if i should send him one. did anyway. no reply till next day.
he says he cares. he says he’s “just not good with this stuff”. but how hard is it to say “yes i’ll be there” ??? he’s not even got the kids like i do. he works, yeah, but he’s not cleaning schools at 5am then doing tea, tantrums, xbox fights n bedtime alone every night.
just feels like i’m already doing this alone n the baby’s not even here yet. he never bonded with my other boys either. always got an excuse – “they’re not mine”, “they’re a handful”, “they don’t listen to me”. well neither do i half the time mate. 🙄
sorry i’m rambling. just feel small tonight. stupid for hoping. i keep telling myself it’s better he’s in baby’s life even a bit than not at all – but i don’t even know if that’s true.
don’t want to go to another scan alone. but don’t want to sit next to someone who clearly doesn’t even want to be there either.
x