Child maintenance- feeling gaslit

[Cr698282]

Hi all. I’m reaching out for advice as I’m so exhausted. My ex sees our kids (2 and 4) two nights a week. He makes the required CMS payment though I’ve caught him hiding income twice. He has always told me certain things I’ve gone along with until now

• CM covers all the kids clothes, so he refuses to buy them as little as pants for his house and says I have to provide everything with the money he pays me
• CM covers all extra curriculars, so until now I have paid for all the swimming lessons, music classes etc

it didn’t feel right and I’ve looked it up and see he has been potentially talking out of his *rse so I told him I was going to stop sending them with clothes and supplies for their nights with him, and that I would let him know each month what their hobbies etc cost so he can reimburse half. I said that if he chooses not to contribute to their hobbies that’s on him and I will still provide for them, but that will be me funding him and not him. He’s now arguing that all of this is wrong and CMS states his payments cover their clothes and living which mean extra classes and all their clothes. I’m so tired I don’t know what to think any more. Last time I tried sending them without items (having given him plenty of warning he needed to provide) he had them walk around with no socks telling people I wouldn’t provide them with socks anymore, rather than just buy some himself. I should say we have been separated over a year, he has a £50k plus job and claims child benefit so he should be able to manage financially, it feels very much more about control and it’s working, I’m exhausted. I just can’t face the high conflict communication… Has anyone been in a similar position and explained this to their ex in a way that works and preferably ends the conversation? Am I completely wrong in my understanding?! Any help appreciated xx

The children spend more time with you, therefore the child benefit should come to you. Put a claim in on the basis of your 5 nights a week and get it moved across. And stop sending things for his nights. It is up to him to provide clothes, toiletries etc for those evenings.

He doesn't have to pay Swimming and other activities. They are your choice. He chooses not to do them.

Your ex is like mine- the ultimate cheap shit. You're going to be fighting his freeloading for the next 15 years. You need to get tough and not give an inch.

This!!!

you’re not going to make him a good person and give you more money. Go after the one thing you have proper right to access - the child maintenance, it’s yours!!!!

If he is paying CM, which essentially is to assist with clothing the child, why should he then have to spend even more money on clothes, especially considering the child doesn’t live with him.

The resident parent does not have more power. Both have equal PR and can both make the same decisions about choice of school, healthcare, religion etc.

In your position I would swap the child benefit across to you now, and use that to pay for the kids activities. There is no way to make him pay for these.

With the clothes I’d send a couple of sets of clothes plus some spare pants and socks across to his house; tell him that he needs to replace them regularly; and then not mention it again.

He’s refusing because he’s trying to use money to control you so drop the rope.

So you have 2 very young children who live with you but your ex claims child benefit?
Also if you need to claim universal credit you won't be able to claim for the 2 children as you don't have the proof that they live with you.

Hi
i have a 6 month old recently started claiming CMS I left my abusive partner very early on in the pregnancy. After I left the smear campaign started and it was horrible he convinced his parents that I was having an affair, created fake WhatsApp chats creating a whole male even gave him a name. I contacted the police as I’m sure this was seen as harassment and frauding myself. It’s been a year I have heard nothing from him or his family!
I claimed CMS because I am struggling CMS messaged that he was denying being the father, but I’d still receive payment till he proves via DNA
I’ve booked the DNA test, I’m just so scared

1. that he could potentially fake the test I mean he went to extreme lengths to fake that I was having a affair
2. what he might want after he’s not on the birth certificate
3. he is a vile man and I just want to protect my child I’m thinking to close the claim after

You need the Child bebifit paid into your account. The CB should be paid to the primary carer. It also give you NI stamp that counts towards your state pension. Dispute the CB claim and provide the court order as evidence that your the primary carer. Then you'll have an additional £170 per mo th plus his CM. If he doesn't pay or is late report it.

Child maintenance payments do not cover hobbies. They cover essentials like clothing, food and shelter.

If he has the kids two nights per week you should be the recipient of child benefit, not him.

So he should be paying you child maintenance but you can't argue it needs to be more for the hobbies but you should be claiming the child benefit.