Child maintenance- feeling gaslit

[Cr698282]

Hi all. I’m reaching out for advice as I’m so exhausted. My ex sees our kids (2 and 4) two nights a week. He makes the required CMS payment though I’ve caught him hiding income twice. He has always told me certain things I’ve gone along with until now

• CM covers all the kids clothes, so he refuses to buy them as little as pants for his house and says I have to provide everything with the money he pays me
• CM covers all extra curriculars, so until now I have paid for all the swimming lessons, music classes etc

it didn’t feel right and I’ve looked it up and see he has been potentially talking out of his *rse so I told him I was going to stop sending them with clothes and supplies for their nights with him, and that I would let him know each month what their hobbies etc cost so he can reimburse half. I said that if he chooses not to contribute to their hobbies that’s on him and I will still provide for them, but that will be me funding him and not him. He’s now arguing that all of this is wrong and CMS states his payments cover their clothes and living which mean extra classes and all their clothes. I’m so tired I don’t know what to think any more. Last time I tried sending them without items (having given him plenty of warning he needed to provide) he had them walk around with no socks telling people I wouldn’t provide them with socks anymore, rather than just buy some himself. I should say we have been separated over a year, he has a £50k plus job and claims child benefit so he should be able to manage financially, it feels very much more about control and it’s working, I’m exhausted. I just can’t face the high conflict communication… Has anyone been in a similar position and explained this to their ex in a way that works and preferably ends the conversation? Am I completely wrong in my understanding?! Any help appreciated xx

Why is he claiming the child benefit if the kids live with you?

He is correct though, although morally he should, but legally he doesn't have to contribute to any activities or pay for anything other than cms.

He should be providing clothes and stuff at his though.

I don’t think asking the kids’ dad to provide them with clothing at his own house for his own days with plenty of notice is “hurting the children most of all” in the context of years of DA but thanks for the quick assumption.

Thank you :) I suggested he claim benefit to help set himself up after leaving the family home. I also paid the deposit on his rental and new car as we shared one before, I just so needed to get out of the relationship and he used money as a reason to refuse to leave the house…then as a reason not to see the kids unless at our house. So it took away those excuses and made physical boundaries possible.
I agree morally, hence making the point I’ll keep letting him know the costs in the hopes he will want to contribute but in the knowledge he likely won’t.

The DC spend most of their time with you therefore you should claim Child Benefit.

So if he’s claiming child benefit THAT is for the children !!!! You need to get that swapped over . You’re basically being paid child maintenance out of your own money .

Technically he’s right, all he has to pay is child maintenance, that in theory covers “his side”.

CM is for the hobbies and he should be buying clothes for his time with the kids. CM is his share of the expenses when the kids are with you.

Do you have the kids 50/50? The person who
claims CB is supposed to be the parent with most contact and can have “power” like being the deciding vote on whether the kids go to school of his or your choice.

Where did you get the money to pay for his house deposit and for a new car for him?

Yea. Crazy to do that. You should have saved that for you and your kids.

Unfortunately the priority was to have him leave. He used lack of place to go and transport as a reason not to do that. In that sense it was for me and the children as, and also meant they had a safe place to spend time with him after he left which I have always tried to encourage. So I know it was a lot, but I don’t regret it.

They’re with me 80% and we have a separation agreement in place. Thanks - I’ll look into this.

He's not correct. The payment is for partially covering their expenses for the time they're with you, not with him. You are under no obligation to provide clothes for when they're with him.

However he doesn't have to pay for any activities above the CMS amount, whoever's time they take place in.

Technically he doesn’t have to provide anything else. But he should have basics like clothes.
get the child benefit moved back to you, that pays for hobbies and stop providing clothes.
i went round in circles with my ex because what it created was more work - packing a bag, unpacking a bag and washing. I stood firm as I also worked and didn’t see it as fair. He eventually provided the bare minimum until my DDs could pack a bag themselves

"What can't be cured must be endured"

So you can't make him pay for clothes/clubs but you can claim the child benefit. Get onto that first thing Tuesday.

You need to put in a claim for the child benefit as your the parent with residency. If he says to child maintenance services he claims this you would have to prove they live with you he could also claim maintenance from you as claiming child benefit is practically stating he’s got full custody. What sort of father takes his kids child benefits and refuses to pay for there swimming lessons? He’s literally taking from his kids and your letting him! Also you would not be entitled to any other benefits universal credit or pip if someone became sick or disabled. Also you could be loosing a pension stamp. This man is royalty taking the mick out of you. He should be paying for his kids not them paying him from the child benefit Just ring child benefit and change it back.

I would let him know each month what their hobbies etc cost so he can reimburse half

He doesn’t have to pay for half of hobbies costs. Cms won’t make him pay for that. You can ask him to contribute but you have no right to demand it

Honestly I’m angry on your behalf this man earns a fair wage and is taking money from small kids and your having to practically beg for half of stuff he should be volunteering to cover all costs for the sake of his kids! It’s really pathetic him claiming there child benefit. Even if you don’t need it it’s actually there money and you could save it for stuff they need later please stop this. You will just have to call them and say your primary parent and it needs to be changed back over. Also he’s fraudulently claiming it.

Is he self employed? If so how do you know how much he earns? If not then he won't be able to lie about his income.

Sorry missed that! Only ask because my partner's ex tried to say my partner was earning a crazy amount of money (self employed) and he really wasn't, in fact they ended up reducing the payments. But he buys school uniforms and trainers mostly, everything else she pays for unless she does ask for anything specific. His daughter also gets pocket money every week so I guess it's about compromise too
Any chance you'll tell us how much he's paying through CMS?

So if my estimate is right, he pays you about £575 per month in maintenance?

Do you get any benefits? I'm presuming not because he gets the child benefit.

He's right that activities should come out of the £575 per month he pays you. I can't see how it helps to insist that he provides socks, tbh.