Should I be a single mom?

[Martha09]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I joined because I made the decision to be a single mum and I guess I'm looking for insights from those that are in this position.
I'm about to turn 41 soon. I was in a relationship until very recently. We started the IVF process and we were supposed to have egg retrieval this month. With this process started, I felt being a mum closer than ever. Losing my partner and future baby suddenly left me purposeless. I feel I need to carry on the IVF on my own and at least have 'half' of the family I dreamed. But I'm scared to death.
As said, any insight or opinion would be very useful for me.

It’s not a decision you can make for yourself if you’re planning on using his sperm.

I'm not planning using his sperm. I would use a sperm donor.

As previous poster said, you can’t make the decision alone if you need sperm, you could try with donor sperm though.

It’s a hard one and a really personal decision, I have an 11 month old daughter so as someone who’s recently been through pregnancy, postpartum & newborn days, I wouldn’t choose to do it without my husband/a partner. It is all hard, physically, mentally, financially, I don’t know how I’d have managed without having my husband there to share the load & to physically pick me up some days.

Some things I’d think about if I was debating doing it solo though:

• Do you have a secure home?
• Do you have a decent amount of savings?
• Do you have a secure job?
• Can you afford a baby? Maternity leave?
• Does your job allow for flexibility; as a solo parent every single sickness, inset day, school holiday etc is going to be on you to either be off for or pay for cover for- can you manage that?
• Do you have practical support, good family/friends who can help you? If you ended up with a difficult pregnancy or a C Section then you will need physical hands on help from people, do you have that?

I have a secure home and a flexible job. But I don't have a lot of savings nor support as my family is in a other country.
At my age, egg freezing is not recommended as most eggs won't survive the unfreezing. Test results showed I have approx 12 month left of potential eggs. I highly doubt that my relationship situation will change in the next year.
I understand it will be difficult, but the alternative is to give up my dream of being a mother.
For those that have a child, would you have them on your own if that was the only way, or would you decide to live without them?

How did a test show you have 12 months left of eggs?

It’s a difficult decision, sorry that you are in this situation. I wouldn’t have done it on my own, however, since pregnancy my relationship really went downhill. I now have a 6 months old and would love to be on my own with him, when my husband works away for a week my time with the baby is pure bliss. I dont have family support but I do have a nanny for one day per week to give me some time to get things done. A solid relationship would be better for obvious reasons, but I think motherhood can be enjoyed on your own.

Though my AMH number and its decrease rate in the last 6 months

Hi I’m a single mum, no family support. My DS is from ivf but our relationship broken down after he was born. (Well it fell apart whilst pregnant but that’s another thread) totally understand your strong desire for a child.

I love my ds to bits & I feel so guilty saying this, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t choose this life. (I would have left his dad before ivf & been childless).

life is manageable but work is harder I flex work all over the place for appts for DS, school picks ups etc, when I’m unwell & there is no one else to help those moments have been some of the worst. (School run & caring for a child when you have norovirus isn’t fun). there is no real time for me or to properly look after myself as I’ve no childcare.

on the flip side we have a brilliant time together most of the time, we are close, I love him so much.

I’m sure you could do it, but if you do have your eyes wide open & plan for the bad days.

@Martha09 As someone who became a single Mum due to leaving an abusive relationship, I would say go for it. The first year will be really tough, but it was easier on my own than in a bad relationship.

In your shoes, I'd rather try than not try.

@H7529 H7529, thank you for your input. It gives me a lot to think about. Do you mean that you would rather not have your baby than having to go through it on your own. Apologies for asking again or in this way. I dont mean to offend in any way. I just really need to ensure I understand how mums feel.

I wouldn't have done it on my own in the UK because I wouldn't have been able to afford to give the child a good life. I would have done it in my home country Sweden though as I would have had family help and it's a lot cheaper to bring up children.

What about moving to where your family lives? Is that an option?

Honestly knowing everything I know now I wouldn’t have done it on my own.

I had a lot of trouble at the end of my pregnancy with pain, illness, last minute appointments, late night hospital trips and I couldn’t have managed physically or emotionally during those times. Equally I had a difficult birth and I don’t know how I would have managed if I was on my own with absolutely no support once I got home from hospital with a baby, I was in pain, I had lost a lot of blood, I had awful sickness and was on a lot of medication. I actually passed out at home 4 days postpartum, thankfully my husband was there to 1) watch the baby and 2) look after me, I dread to think what would have happened if i’d been on my own with my baby when I collapsed. I was also really unwell with sickness for a few days from medication, again, how I would have managed that with a newborn I don’t know. Nothing prepared me for the sleep deprivation of having a newborn, without the few hours sleep in the afternoon & alternating shifts with my husband I can’t even imagine how I would have been.

Even practical things now 11 months on, she’s recently started nursery and in the last 4 weeks there’s been 6 days she wasn’t able to attend due to their policy on D&V (which all nurseries have per guidance), so if I was a single parent that would be 6 days of the last 20 working days that I would have been unable to work for- it really tests even a good employer’s patience. With no partner & no family/friend support I think you’d really struggle more mentally postpartum and beyond just due to the fact it would be difficult for you to catch a break whether that looks like 8 hour uninterrupted sleep or a date night.

You are too old. Unless you can afford a nanny, I would not bother.
Bear in mind that when you hit the forties the energy levels that you have are no the same anymore. You get tired more easily and you need more rest.

Yes moving to where my family could be an option after I give birth. Although I would probably hate to live in that city.
I guess an option is to make a lot of money within the 9 months of pregnancy...😣

I think it’s far too personal a choice, people will join and say they did it and then people like me will say not for me. I did have children but to my utter suprise and only because I met DH at around 30. If I hadn’t met him I think I would very probably not have chosen to have children but then there is no real way of knowing. I grew up in a household that was poor and ultimately every single parent has no one to share expenses with let alone the mental load. I think to choose to be a single parent means the desire must be overwhelming. Plenty end up as a single parent not by design.

When younger I remember friends wanting children for me that desire wasn’t there. I think the desire for children clouds judgement in a lot of relationships when that desire does not match. SIL had one decent BF in all the close to 30 years I have known her but he didn’t want children and was clear from the get go in their very late thirties, it would have been IVF as she had issues in her twenties and was told of various gynae problems. She was a similar age to you when he very reluctantly agreed but he just couldn’t go through with it and it broke them up.

I wouldn’t plan for that op - I had hyperemesis I was off vomitting in hospital for most of my pregnancy 🙈

On a practical note can I suggest some counselling might help you to grieve your loss & move forward with a decision for future?

The problem with this is that once you’re pregnant it gets a bit harder to save because you have so much stuff to buy- especially if it’s your first baby and you don’t have friends/family who are passing things down.

OP I feel your loss. My advice would be to listen to what you really want and go for it. It is your life and nobody else should dictate how you live it.
I was on your shoes some time ago and I am now a solo mum to beautiful child. I just cannot imagine my life without them!
Also, be realistic. Having a secure home and a good job is key, and you have those. Research solo parents sites to get an idea of what to expect. IVF is difficult in any case, but you can do it on your own. Early years care is ridiculously expensive, but it is only a few years. Once they start school will be much easier.
Good luck with your soul search!

Sorry I realise my post wasn’t very clear. I was trying to say that being a single mum is in my opinion easier than doing it with a useless husband. I couldn’t have imagined doing it on my own if you had asked me before pregnancy. I’m still in a relationship now, but the times I have on my own with the baby are easier than the times when my husband is around. I’m confident now that I’d be absolutely fine on my own with the baby.

I still have quite a lot of energy, but I will make sure I keep fit to have the energy needed for a kid.

A mum of 2 children here. Just go for it. You will manage. I was running a business when I made the decision as my clock was ticking. Business failed when my first born was 2 months old. Getting pregnant was the best decision I made even though it was tough at the beginning. Where is will, there's a way

@Kosenrufugirl can I ask what did you do after your business failed when your first born was 2 month old? Did you manage to get a job? Did you have savings to keep going without working?

I suggest you look up a podcast/insta account called "The Stork and I". That will help you think about some of the key questions. @Mrsttcno1 shared a good list.

I suggest you also spend some time thinking about the best case scenario if you don't go down the solo mum route.

I considered it but ended up meeting my partner and we've had a child together.

I don't think I could have gone solo living where I am. I'd have needed a different environment. But I'd have been building a support network from scratch.

Will the sperm donor be in the child's life? If not, what will you do if/when the child wants to know his/her biological father?