Should I be a single mom?

[Martha09]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I joined because I made the decision to be a single mum and I guess I'm looking for insights from those that are in this position.
I'm about to turn 41 soon. I was in a relationship until very recently. We started the IVF process and we were supposed to have egg retrieval this month. With this process started, I felt being a mum closer than ever. Losing my partner and future baby suddenly left me purposeless. I feel I need to carry on the IVF on my own and at least have 'half' of the family I dreamed. But I'm scared to death.
As said, any insight or opinion would be very useful for me.

Do it!! I love my little boy and coparentinf with a horrible ex is the only thing I don't like about being his mum. You can get universal credit help to cover mat leave if you rent and don't have high savings- check out a benefits calculator.

You can also join a gym with a creche to help get a bit of me time affordably

Could you move somewhere where hemp is cheap like Hong Kong or Dubai? Do your math leave in the Philippines ?

Clinics give lots of advice about this including having video or photo diary of you shopping for sperm

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I am glad they are doing this and that sperm donation is no longer anonymous. If all is successful, you end up with a complete human being. Many people like to know where they came from and who their parents are.

I have been a lone parent for 15 years OP. Happy to answer questions. I did have a very secure career and worked really hard to grow it too despite the difficulties of lone parenting. Early years are the toughest but if you earn decent money you can throw money at the issues like childcare etc

This is such a personal decision - it's something you're really going to have to decide for yourself, OP.

Bear in mind, every pregnancy is different, every birth is different, every baby is different. Some are easy, some are very, very hard. How will you cope if yours is one of the latter? What if the pregnancy/birth leaves you with health problems?What if the child has additional needs?

Being a lone parent is tough (I am one). Financially, logistically, and emotionally too. Never having anyone to bounce ideas off or to discuss in depth problems that will arise with your child can be brutal and isolating.

I wouldn't change my life as it is now, but if I had known I'd end up as a lone parent and all that that would entail, I don't think I would have made that choice. However although I was happy to be a mum, I never had the biological clock burning desire for children that many people have.

You have to weigh your own scales here OP, and decide what is most important to you.

Our situation was different to yours. My husband and I were renting. All our eggs were in the basket of the business that failed. It was awful. My husband went into depression. I chose for our family to go on benefits when our savings ran out after 4 months (I was still exclusively breastfeeding at the time).

Fast forward 16 years and we have a house and good jobs.

I suppose a lot depends how resilient you are as a person. Being a single parent is tough without financial stress.

I wonder if an adoption might be a better option for you though.

Former Conservative Minister Michael Gove is an adopted child. His adoptive mum said "Some babies grew in their mothers' tummies. You grew in my heart". If not exactly these words but similar.

I heard some Councils allow fostering a child before adopting.

@FrozenFeathers this topic is what I actually find the most difficult part of this process. The fact that I won't be able to give them a (biological) father fills me with deep sadness. I plan to be completely open and honest with the child, following guidelines from professionals on how and when to discuss this topic with the child. I also would like to have two children from the same donor, so they don't feel alone or have each other in the same situation so they can normalise it as much as possible. Maybe I'm being unrealistic here...

@Martha09 It doesn't have to be a sad thing. It's better to have no father than a bad father. I also think that you would be in a position to prepare something in case the child wants to know. I think it's the lack of answers and not being able to find out that causes the hurt. But then again, I've never experienced it myself, so I have no idea.

@Martha09 I think, at your age and without considerable savings, it would be unrealistic to think you will be able to have two children through IVF. Or are you thinking you want to try for twins? That would be incredibly hard as a single mum with no support.

Solo mum by choice here .. my circumstances were similar, relationship breakdown and realised I didn’t have much time left if I wanted to be a mum. My baby is sleeping next to me now and she is everything. If you have a yearning to be a mum, go for it. It’s so much better to do it alone than in an unsuitable relationship. Good luck!

To offer another perspective: I don’t find it sad that my baby doesn’t have a dad. Families come in all different shapes. some people have no siblings, some have two mums, no mums etc. The most important thing is that my baby’s life is filled with love and it is, in this case from me, aunties and grandparents

This is too personal and there are to many variables for a clear answer to be possible.

Personally, I would never be a single parent voluntarily. It is easier than with a bad partner, but still much harder than with a partner. All the decisions, sick days, bad days, school meetings, budgeting, cleaning, etc will all fall on your shoulders. I still remember a week that I was really poorly and I was in an added panic because with no family around I just didn’t know what to do with my DD.

Another thing that most of us don’t really talk about is that babies and young children are the easy mode phase. It gets increasingly more difficult, costly and emotionally taxing as they grow. It’s not just wanting a baby, it’s wanting a whole person to raise to adulthood.

If you really want to do it, I’d try to get as much of a community around me as possible. Join a local church if need be, you’ll need all the help you can get.

But if it was me and I had to do it over, I’d probably look into volunteering with children and/or fostering.

I'd go for it, it's tough but plenty of people do it.

It depends on a woman and her ability to support the child, her health and energy levels, time resources. In my world, 41 is far from old! Life is just beginning and there are plenty of first-time mums in their 40s these days. Some are single and have had to adjust. But all are happy!

There’s a wide community online of solo mums by choice! Start with The Stork and I https://thestorkandi.com/ Mel who runs it does a really good online coaching course for people considering becoming a solo mum. I highly recommend! And I did it a few years ago, life indeed has its challenges and my finances are interesting… but I don’t have a single regret. One advantage of being an SMBC rather than single parent is you don’t have to deal with an ex. You’ll find a network of other women have done the same, I’ve found so much support and love in the SMBC community. Good luck!

The donor conception network might be a good place to start - they run chats for people thinking of trying to have a donor conceived child.

You really need to make sure your finances are as stable as can be. Not only are you the sole earner, life isore expensive as a solo parent.

If you are struggling to afford to conceive the child then you definitely can't afford to raise it. Childcare alone is incredibly expensive. And I often find myself needing to pay over the odds for convenient services because I don't have the time to do things myself.

It sounds like you wanted to have children with a partner. Whether you go ahead and have a child on your own or not, you need to give yourself space to grieve for the loss of that imagined future.

That said, I don't regret for a second having my DC

I have a donor IVF conceived 1 year old daughter as a single mother by choice and it’s by far the best thing I’ve ever done 🥰

This is a very subjective question.

Some women are stronger and more equipped to handle pregnancy and child rearing alone than others.

If it has been a dream of yours, I’ll expect you to be more excited than scared. If you’re scared to death of being a single mum, it’s possibly a sign that...

Personally, I find being a single mother great and fulfilling, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. That being said, I am 10 years younger than you and have support from my family.