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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Does any one else have other single parent friends?

34 replies

SpinsterinScotland · 10/05/2008 18:26

Hello

I;ve been lurking for a while.....

I am a single mum to DS who is 2. I left DS's dad as he was behaving like a complete tosser and I just could not continue to live with him for my sake and for DS's.

Literaly ALL my friends are married, and I feel so lonely and isolated as if I have nothing in common with them anymore.

It feels like everyone else is in a happy bubble and I am outside looking in. I owuld love to meet someone else and have a "proper family". I always wanted to get married and have a big family and yet here I am 34 and single, when it feels that everyone else is married and pregnant.

It is difficult being happy when friends are pregnant again when I long to be, but can't see it happening. I got a text from a friend asking to borrow my pregnancy books and that actually made me feel really sad. I know it is silly - I don;t need them, but it just got me as it reminded me that I would like to be the pregnant one right now and I am not and can;t see it happening!

I would like to make some other single mum friends who can understand what it is like!

OP posts:
fairyfly · 10/05/2008 18:44

I know what it's like and weekends are really tough when everyone is busy with their families. What you have to begin to realise is life wont always be like this and one day you will probably achieve your dreams of a family and a new baby. Then you will wonder why you spent your time worrying and didn't enjoy your freedom. Use this time to get to enjoy your own company and be ready. Then one day that special man will appear. But don't wait for someone to save you from loniliness as you will just rely on them too much. Spend this era in your life getting to know what you love and enjoy deep withing yourself and not waiting for what someone else can bring to the equation.

I am really lonely just now, but i don't look at other families anymore and wish i was in that position. I am trying to use the time to get to know myself and work out what would make me less bored and what i can do to get my fire back. Only after that is achieved will i attract the type of men i want to be with.

You are in a more fortunate position than you realise, you have a clean slate. Lots of married couples are unhappy and would love to begin again with the wisdom they have now. We can make fantastic decisions about exactly what we want from life.

I do have single mother friends, my favourite ones are now in relationships. The ones that drain me are the ones that are completely lost and desperate.

I am only sharing this with you as it is how i feel just now and i don't know if it is relevant to any of your feelings.

I do get sad, i do get jealous now and again, but i am trying to change the way i look at it all x

OverMyDeadBody · 10/05/2008 18:53

Have you tried gingerbread? or mumsnet local?

I'm a single parent and I don't have any friends who are single parents, most of my friends are childless, but I know what you mean about getting lonely and isolated, I've been there!

I do think you need to change your view though, you need to see yourself and your DS as a "proper family". Why wouldn't you be? You don't need two adults and more that one child to be a "proper family", they come in all shapes and sizes and should be celebrated for their diversity. You also don't want your DS picking up on the fact that you think you are not a 'proper family' or somehow your family dymanics are inferior. Be proud tht you are doing the best you can for yourself and your DS.

Original poster
SpinsterinScotland · 10/05/2008 19:17

Thanks for replying to me.

I am usualy quite up beat and I do recognise that it is much better for DS and for me to be single than to be in a bad relationship, as I can provide a better role model for him.

Just feeling v sorry for myself at the moment, I've just been to a friend's wedding where I was invited on my own and I didn;t know anyone else there. I ended up in tears on the dance floor as I looked around at everyone else loking so happy and carefree and I felt so lonely it almost physically hurt inside!

I've had a pretty tough year and have realised that becoming a sinlge parent makes it clear who your real friends are! Plus I feel uncomfortable as the opposite extreme is people pitying me which I don;t like eitehr. I choose to leave my ex as he was making me so unhappy, I have a job (best not get into that when trying to be positive!), my own home and a beautiful son, and I know that things are tough but they will get better... I just need not to let it get to me.

I am not ready to meet someone else now as I don;t feel happy with myself, I need to build my self esteem exactly what you said FF - to attract the type of man I want to be with - that is how I feel too.

OP posts:
singledadofthree · 10/05/2008 20:06

hey ff - is good advice, not bad for a girl

hope you n the boys are all fit and well.

Anngeree · 10/05/2008 23:02

I've been fairly lucky to have other single parent friends I met them through taking my son to playgroup so have had others in the same situation to share experiences with. However one of my friends got back with her ex, had a new baby & married last year it did leave me thinking why can't that happen to me! What makes matters worse is when she sends cards she writes from Mr & Mrs ..... she's even change E-mail to Mrs ..... i'm happy that she's all loved up but do feel like saying "hey have you forgot what it's like to be a single parent" I'm 28 & would love to be in a relationship but scared to go out & meet someone new if I could skip the dating stage & just be in steady relationship i'd be happy! My son's almost 5 always thought i'd have another by now I've kept moses basket,cot & some baby clothes don't want to part with them (just in case!)but as I keep them under my bed it'll probably scare new man away at the sight!ha

Scramble · 10/05/2008 23:12

I have some but they still seem to be on a different page to me. The person I seem to get on best with is 10 years younger than me and lives with her mum with no kids LOL, we are on the same course and help each other out. Been out for a drink with her and it is much more fun than going out married or single mums.

fairyfly · 10/05/2008 23:13

Get rid of Moses Basket, if you met a new man you want want a new one anyway.....

Singledad, all good, little one broke his arm on wed.....and he is hilarious with his boxing impressions. Hope all is well with you x

des · 10/05/2008 23:37

Just want to say I know exactly how you feel. Bank Holiday was really tough watching all the 'proper' families having fun and it was just a normal day for me and the little one. That said I totally agree with Fairyfly - this can be a blessing in disguise. T i me to concentrate on you, get to know yourself again, figure out what really makes you tick. Most people don't get that chance. But also, it's OK to be sad - so don't hold back the tears - be nice to yourself, go easy on yourself, except that you will have good days and bad days. I don't have any single mum friends ye t but have signed up to gingerbread so am hoping to meet a few - good luck and just remember you're not alone - others are going through the same emotions as you. And the happy 'proper' families are not always what they're cracked up to be. I was in one (or appeared to be, from the outside) then found out my husband had been having an affair since my son was 6 months (he's now 14 months - found out about 10 weeks ago). So who knows what's really going on - not wanting to wish unhappiness on anybody - but just pointing out that the bubble you see is not necessarily the full picture!

allgonebellyup · 11/05/2008 19:01

Does your ex have your ds at weekends?

Can you not go out on the town and meet new people, and have a laugh at the same time?

This is the only way i cope!!
i love my weekends!!

hullygully · 11/05/2008 19:10

I'm a married person with two kids and today we had lunch with our single parent friend and her daughter, another childless couple and the children of another awol single parent. If you meet someone you like, invite them and their family over,they're probably all sick of each other...

supervixen · 11/05/2008 22:07

Hi everyone i just wanted to say that I understand everything thats been said in this thread. Fairyfly what you said was great, thank you. Also agree with the going out at weekends, it keeps me sane!! Dread bank holidays though seeing all the happy families out together, I would love a husband and my own home etc too

Original poster
SpinsterinScotland · 12/05/2008 19:09

Thanks to everyone for replying, I really appreciate hearing that I am not alone in feeling like this.

I will look into joinng gingerbread and will try my mumsnet local to see if I can meet some other single parents.

I've actually just realised that I do know another single parent...... my next door neighbour! Don;t think I have much in common with him though as one of his first quesions was "how much did you pay for your house?" and I can hear him drunkenly banging around and singing frequently (that is when he's not blasting out realy loud music!

My Ex won't take DS over night ("when would I get a break if I did" was his response so it is my and DS 24/7, well he is at nursery when I am at work, but as my job is so crap at the moment feel my life is just one long stressful blur. I often feel as if I spend all my time at work or alone with DS and feel very lonely.

I do have some friends with Children and DS and i get invited to stuff but i always feel like a spare part as so coupley but go for DS so he can have friends.

I've decided to put DS into nursery on the next bank hol and I am going to go and use the pampering vouchers I got for my birthday (in August) and have a facial and to treat myself to a nice lunch and generally look after myself for a change!

OP posts:
ANTagony · 12/05/2008 19:39

My ex doesn't have the boys overnight either.

I do enjoy inviting the girls over - the great advantage we all have the kids in common and they all have significant others to childmind, (it does seam like everyone else is in really successful longterm relationships). Sometimes I cook or we order in and split the cost. Don't do it as often as I should much cheaper than a night out and don't have to stress about my 2 DS.

Original poster
SpinsterinScotland · 12/05/2008 20:07

I must do that more often too as the evenings do get lonely ( and I even getting bored with my west wing dvds which I thought would never happen!)

The last couple of times I;ve done that DS has refused to sleep so wasn;t v relaxing for me but still nice to have company.

I only just got online this week so it is good to be able to chat on mums net

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 12/05/2008 20:13

check out www.singlewithkids.co.uk

i do have one single parent friend and i met her thru mumsnet local.

weekends/bank holidays are tough and i am to admit i will avoid "family" places on those days unless i am feeling really really positive.

i work full time and h doesn't have dd ever so totally empathise on how exhausting it all is.

bluejelly · 12/05/2008 21:54

Hi I am in a similar position, lots of my friends getting married, having their first even second children. It used to really hurt, make me feel so miserable, but lately I feel things are picking up.
Partly this is due to the time since my relationship ended (over a year) and partly due to counselling which helped me put things into perspective.
I feel a lot happier and more relaxed about the future, I still have a lot that's good in life and as others have said, i think lots of people who appear to have happy marriages/perfect families are living a lie or at least having a much more up and down time than it first seems!

Hang in there, things will get better. And keep telling yourself that leaving a bad relationship was absolutely one of the best things you could ever have done.

Janos · 14/05/2008 21:36

Just saw this spinster...I know exactly where you are coming from. Also in Scotland too. It's hard isn't it? The loneliness does really get to me sometimes.

Despite this though I'm still a lot happier than I was with XP, so it's not all bad

ihateironing · 14/05/2008 21:50

hi spinster,

im in scotland and i dont have any other single parent friends, some times about i think they forget us and think were as happy as them.Im quite happy as a single parent but as others have said what happens at bank hols etc, i hang around with my mother!!!sad!
where bouts r u? we could have sinlge parnet night out lol

Janos · 14/05/2008 22:10

That makes 3 of us in Scotland. Where are you, ihateironing? I'm in not so sunny at the moment Embra.

PurpleOne · 14/05/2008 23:36

I did have a single parent mum friend, but she really proved to be a total PITA, always begging for money and sending her ds1 up here knocking on my door for fags, and asking for gas money. last time we fell out, she had asked me 3 times via text for £25 to pay her Avon I mean go to bloody savers like the rest of us. I never asked her for a damn penny. Friednship shouldn't be about money and who has what etc.

the other single mum friend had her dad buy her a house and new car...she claims IS, yet she can shop in bloody Habitat and save up for private school for her dd1.

All my other mates are married, and very judgmental. Sorry if that sounds condescending, but they see fit to criticise.

2 recommendations. Gingerbread, and www.singlewithkids.co.uk

Oh, and mumsnet

chocabloc · 15/05/2008 00:31

need to get in the bath.. so it will be quick.. very empowering ladies!! there is no ideal of a family.. it it what you make it!! And with the sun kind of out.. im making the most of it.. there is loads of stuff to do.. free musesum, picnics!! get out there with your ds and do it!! And something for yuor self 2 purple!! Im in ealing if u need a buddy to go out with.. that applies to anyone else 2, know it can be shitty at times going out with just 2 of u.. but it gets better!! esp when you have something planned as u can look forward to iTT!!!!

ihateironing · 15/05/2008 13:13

im in ayrshire

madamez · 15/05/2008 13:18

I'm another single mum and I do know what you mean (to an extent) though what has helped me has been existing mates having DC at around the same time, and DS dad being a good hands on dad so I get time to go out and play by myself. But I did find that going to M&T groups was a pain at first because I used to get the 'Eeek! SIngle Woman! Threat to Monogamy!' vibe off the couply herd animals and though I cannot bear people who only socialise in couples anyway, it did get a bit depressing. Keept trying, look out for hobby groups etc.

citylover · 15/05/2008 13:48

Yes I have quite a few single parent friends. This just seems to have happened since I split but perhaps there are many in my area. We seem to co-operate mutually amd naturally with things like childcare etc

But I also have married friends as well. Would hate to think they thought I was a threat to them. Don't think they think that.

I used to be quite angsty and worried about friends in general and also for DS1 but since I stoped worrying about it and with DS2 I have found that people have gravitated towards me a bit more (mainly from school).

With DS1 I was a bit more forced (esp at nursery) but found with DS2 other children came to him (have no idea why that should be)

I have always had had a close circle of female friends who I have known for many years - three single one married. We have been with each other through thick and thin.

newgirl · 15/05/2008 13:56

i thought id add as a 'happily married' person that everything is not always perfect and black and white. Partners work away, want time on their own etc so i am often around at the weekend looking for things to do. So if you get bored/fed up do tell your mates - they might be glad of the chance to do something with you.

Also my relationships are with the women rarely with their husbands who i would barely know - they tend to be at work when i see the mums - i honestly dont care if my friends are married or not as long as they keep me company at the park and like a good gossip!