Different parenting styles with DP ?/not the dad

[Bellagi]

DP is not my children's dad, and we don't live together. He's also ND so im not sure if this is a factor.

He had a very difficult upbringing at times and his parents were very detached. I didn't. He gets on very well with my children but judges me for letting them play on my phone at times or giving them sweets etc. They are happy, well adjusted kids and are very close to me, great at school, lots of friends, your standard kids really.

Just looking for ideas on how to navigate this. I know his parenting style is very textbook/different to mine but I also don't want to rub it in his face that he doesn't have children of his own and that textbook doesn't always work. He's ND.

Bin him.

Why is he judging your parenting at all? How long have you been together?

He shouldn't be parenting your kids at all. You don't even live together so it's not like he has a step-father role. I'd pull him up on it.

Well his ND has very little to do with this.
If your children are very young then he may well have a point, regardless he shouldn't be parenting your children or even around them enough to have any influence.

Is he actually parenting your children or saying to you away from them that they shouldn't have so many sweets or be on your phone.

I'll never understand why so many women are so keen to assign positions of power over their children to random men they meet, who are nothing whatsoever to do with their children. There's no reason for him to be "parenting" them. Why is this even an issue?

And he doesn't even have children of his own! So no "parenting" experience anyway but feels entitled to judge yours and you're not only letting him but asking for advice on how to make it easier for you to accept him giving his uninformed opinions.

He has no input into your children's upbringing and behaviour

The fact that you are even considering him having input is very concerning indeed

Couldn’t agree more. Well said.

OP, please get this man out of your children’s lives immediately.

My dh and I have very different parenting styles. When we moved in together we agreed that neither of us would parent the other's children/child.
It worked well and mine have a lovely relationship with him but it's hands off as they have a parent. They are now young adults.
We didn't have children together and I didn't parent his DD. Our children have had very different outcomes at 18

Any parent who expects parenting to go by textbook isn't a good parent. So...
I'm guessing that if you have any disagreements he's also difficult to deal with?
Does he at least show any awareness of the fact its none of his business - if he doesn't like it to the point where it's affecting how he sees you, then he needs to break up with you!

@HPandthelastwish he's just saying it to me, he's being fine with them. He has no part in actually parenting them

@socks1107 how did your kids turn out if very different?

I have no intention of letting him parent, I'm looking for ways to manage without causing offence

I guess if you want a partnership and share lives then you are going to have to accept he may have an opinion on how you parent - god knows we've all said "I'd never do that if I have kids" only to find ourselves doing the exact same thing years later. So long as it's expressed to you rather than actual parenting of the children I don't see the issue. If you don't like anyone having an opinion on your parenting then perhaps being in a relationship isn't the best idea right now

@brummumma yes it's not actual parenting, it's just opinions. It just drives me barmy. I don't mind opinions at all but the ND part means there doesn't seem to be a filter.

Well how old are your children? If your children are 10 and playing a game on your phone and eating sweets then fine. If they are 18 months then he has a point and it's not just his opinion but it is experts too. Having detached parents or being ND doesn't really come into play here at all.

If he is only saying it to you then he isn't trying to parent them he is sharing an opinion.

Either way, you are either happy how you parent and stick with what you are doing and bin him and carry on. Or, you think about what he is saying and work out whether what he is saying actually has merit and adapt what you are doing to benefit your children.

It's worth knowing that if you continue with this relationship and have your own children together they are likely to be ND too as it's inherited and to what degree and how spiky their profile is, how comorbid with other learning or physical disabilities is pretty much luck of the draw.

He has no say whatsoever in my book unless you're actively looking for a step dad. Is the father of your children actively involved? If so then I'd make it clear that your kids are suitably parented and happy and his input and judgement are not required.

The only perfect parents are the ones who haven't had kids yet. He can judge parenting choices all he likes, but given he has never parented himself, his own child, then he has a dam cheek critiquing how you do it.

It wouldn't be something I would want to listen to on a regular basis. And I suspect he is using his ASD as a reason to allow the rude comments to come out. I assume he manages to hold his tongue around people such as his boss, or the big burly fella who knocks in to him in the street etc.

How much time are your children spending on a phone if he's just your boyfriend and is commenting it's an issue?

He does not have a parenting style as he doesn't have a kid.
His thoughts on your kids are irrelevant. Tell him your kids are not his concern. ND is irrelevant.

Can you not just date him without making your kids be involved? Is it in your kids best interests to have to be around this boyfriend?

Why are you worried about causing offence? He isn't. He thinks it's fine to criticise your parenting and upset you. A loving partner doesn't do that.

@HPandthelastwish no plans to have any children. Mine are a similar age. They do have a dad who is also very strict in other ways and whom they dont see often. Kids may have the phone for 10min here and there but DP doesnt believe children should have access to phones at all. It's more an irritation thing rather than anything else. I want to scream sometimes!

@JimHalpertsWife he doesnt use the ASD as an excuse, its just there and i am aware this is why he's blunt. But it's really annoying when actually the kids really arent bad at all. But i dont have the balls to say anything aside from nodding and ignoring.

This would drive me mad. Time for a serious chat with DP when you explain that his judgment isn't welcome and he needs to stop. Can you think of a way of expressing it in a way that relates to him? (Eg well I think you spend too much time gaming but it's none of my business so I don't mention it.)

The easiest way to manage is to dump him.

Your kids don't need this, he is nothing to them. He doesn't need a parenting style because he's not their parent.