Different parenting styles with DP ?/not the dad

[Bellagi]

DP is not my children's dad, and we don't live together. He's also ND so im not sure if this is a factor.

He had a very difficult upbringing at times and his parents were very detached. I didn't. He gets on very well with my children but judges me for letting them play on my phone at times or giving them sweets etc. They are happy, well adjusted kids and are very close to me, great at school, lots of friends, your standard kids really.

Just looking for ideas on how to navigate this. I know his parenting style is very textbook/different to mine but I also don't want to rub it in his face that he doesn't have children of his own and that textbook doesn't always work. He's ND.

@TangerineClementine its very hard when its someone who is ND - they just cant really understand/black and white

Agree with this.

Also if it is his neurodiversity which is preventing him from realising how rude he is being, you would be doing him a kindness to point it out in a clear and matter of fact way.

”DP, I don’t want you to criticise my parenting, or comment on it in any way going forwards. You may not intend this but it comes across as very critical and judgmental when you make these comments”.

"Dear BF - please stop all the criticism of my parenting. It is unwanted and unwelcome. If you don't find a way to stop it I will need to limit how often we see each other/end the relationship."

I take it this font of parenting knowledge doesnt actually have any children himself?

But i dont have the balls to say anything aside from nodding and ignoring.

No testicles required. You are your kids advocate. Confidently inform your boyfriend that his opinion is not required.
Does dating this man enhance your life?

Why are the kids even seeing him? How long have you been together?

What, honestly, does he bring to their lives that is positive for them?

What is positive about your own relationship with him - you sound like you're on eggshells with him.

If he can’t understand “I do not want you to make any further comments about my parenting” I would just dump him.

He doesn’t need to agree with you that he is being rude. He needs to understand that you want him to stop commenting full stop, and stick to it whether he intends to be rude or not.

It simply isn't going to work between he two of you, you don't have complementary communication styles. This is the tip of a very big iceberg, he is too matter of fact for you and you aren't willing to speak up.

The fact that you aren't willing to speak up for you children's benefit is a far bigger issue. What happens if your next bloke is an alcoholic due to trauma in his childhood "I can't speak up as he has depression", "I can't speak up because he...." Untill you can advocate and put your position first you probably shouldn't be dating at all.

Well tell him.in black and white to fuck off and stop commenting.

I don't think this is true @Bellagi

It's precisely because someone who is ND is a very black/white thought processor, ime.

If you said to him, "I don't appreciate your input wrt the children, stop doing it" Could that have impact?

You need to find "your balls " then.

The fact you can't even speak up for yourself is a bit worrying.

My dh is on the spectrum... He sees things very differently to me full stop. He doesn't parent my dc - we have a joint dc with which he usually runs stuff past me first!! We talk regularly about how my dc are doing and what he can do to support them. Some adult dc now and they respect him greatly. Speak up though op. Get those boundaries in place. Tell him actually I don't like or need your constant nagging about MY dc.. Smile and move on. If he gets the message then great. If not further more talk and no smile needed....

Are you having a laugh?

The answer is you tell him to shut the fuck up, you will parent your children how you see fit and he can keep his opinions to himself.

Why do you even want to be with this person? He sounds like a high and mighty dickhead who has no children but thinks he knows better than people who do.

That's very offensive to people who are ND. You have a you problem that you won't say anything to your boyfriend not a ND problem.

Pretty black and white imo and I'm austisic.

Do you want solutions or just a whinge?

How can someone have a parenting style when they don’t even have children. Simply tell him to shut up and you’ll do what you like. That’s it

You dont have the balls to protect your children?

What's the MATTER with you?

I'd be utterly ashamed if I were you

@Calmhappyandhealthy gosh you are vicious! My partner annoys me with his comments, my children are fine and actually get on really well with him - im having a moan and you post this! Jeez!

You need to sit him down and be clear he is not a parent to your children and judgement of your parenting choices is not welcome. You do not have to justify yourself to him.

If he can't manage that then it's not going to work.

My dh came in to my kids life when they were 6 and 8. He is a parental figure to them but discipline and rules was always on my terms.

I agree 100% with HPandthelastwish
The fact that you are not able or willing to speak up for fear of offending him is worrying, v worrying indeed. Why can't you raise something that in your own words is driving you crazy? That to me is the biggest issue, not the fact that he thinks your parenting is sub par and has no issue pointing it out.

Is he a parent himself? That will play a part on his understanding of parenting.

People telling you to “bin him” because of this are insane lol unless he was insulting you or something.

I think you have to tell him clearly and firmly that you do not wish to discuss your parenting of your children.

You would never lay the responsibility for your children on him, responsibility lies solely with you and therefore you have to parent how you see fit.

Be very calm and logical but make it clear that the topic is off the table.

If he tries after that, a long hard stare and then move on.

It’s none of his business!
Unless their behaviour is impacting him like they were being rude or something, then as your boyfriend he shouldn’t have any parenting role. Why is he even spending a lot of time with them?

Imagine if the relationship were to develop and you decided to move in together at some point, just how much tension and conflict there’d be about this and how horrible it would be for your kids.

i think you have to let this one go - it’s not just about you it’s about your kids too and you are clearly not compatible in this area / he is over stepping.

But i dont have the balls to say anything aside from nodding and ignoring

So you are putting not offending him higher than your children then. They'll hear him. They'll see you meekly accepting his criticisms.

It’s making me uncomfortable how much you’re mentioning his ASD and how you don’t feel able to mention things. Trust me that’s not a good dynamic! (Been there)
He is blunt - you need to be blunt too and this relationship will get to have a very unhealthy dynamic if he can say and do what he likes and you don’t speak up for fear of causing offence or fear of confrontation.