Feeling a bit fed up doing everything alone

[3gingerboys]

Hi all, would anybody mind if I have a pity party for one? I know we're all working really hard and kudos to everyone who is parenting alone, it's not easy!

I've been a single parent now for 4 years and finding it very lonely and a bit overwhelming at the moment. Christmas was tough as I was on my own a lot and I'm generally just feeling the weight of having to make all decisions by myself and look after the house, car, three kids alone. I can do it and I have done it for 4 years, it's just a bit wearing and I'm lonely.

My ex is a very difficult man who continues to try to control via the kids and contact. He refuses to have a set pattern and believe me I've tried every which way! He refuses to have anything to do with the courts and says that he will tell the children awful things about me if I issue court proceedings. He absolutely would and even though it would all be lies, I would never want to put the kids in that position. My older two are fortunately old enough to make their own decisions now, but my youngest is only 11, so I have a long time to deal with him yet 🤦🏻‍♀️ I've agreed a pattern with my youngest which he is happy with, so I've communicated that to my ex via text and will stick to it from my end so we'll see!

Thank you for reading my rant and love to everyone. You're all doing an amazing job x

@3gingerboys i feel for you. Been single mum for 11 years. Thankfully my ex (boys dad) is not an absolute arse. Tbh I would go cold shoulder with your ex. Just contact via text when necessary. He's a bully and you are better off out of it. Sending the biggest of hugs x you are doing a fantastic job. Might not feel like it sometimes but you are 🙏❤️🥰

I'll join you in your pity party if you like. Also single parent for years and also abusive (non paying) arse ex.
No one really understands what single parenting actually means until you have to do it. Definitely congratulate yourself on a regular basis for everything that you do, it's huge.

Thank you both, it just gets you down some days 🤦🏻‍♀️ I do count my lucky stars I don't have to live with him anymore, I never actually thought I'd get him to move out! I'm trying to start dating and it feels pretty impossible at the moment, I think that's adding to my frustration. Big hugs to you both too, is much harder than anyone realises and I do feel a bit jealous of those who have managed to stay together and seem to be happy (although I know that's not always the case!)

@rosemole it's a nightmare isn't it! Every time I have to have contact with him it makes me feel so tense 🤦🏻‍♀️ trying to make plans feels impossible and if I do I never completely relax. Counting down, about 4.5 years to go I hope until I don't have anything to do with him!

Whenever I'm feeling down about it, I do remind myself it would be a hell of a lot worse if I'd stayed. Best decision I've ever made. Sounds the same for you.

As for dating...haha what a joke that is (for me anyway). I just don't think I trust anyone but would like that to change.

I find it difficult to openly admit I'm lonely but I am and I'm sort of used to it actually. I love my own company but god sometimes it really is a total bore and all I want is adult company. But it's got to be the right company, doesn't it? I don't just want any old crappy company.

Have you heard about the grey rock technique? That's what I use if and when I have no choice but to communicate with ex (very rare). We went through court which is horrendous but the plus side is minimal communication. We can't agree on the colour of the sky let alone anything else so I'm grateful for that at least.

Yes I've used grey rock for years as it's the only way to deal with them. We literally just text and basically that's me saying when he will be with each of us. He'll just go completely against it often and says that there's no need for a routine. He won't tell me when he's dropping him off and because I have older children here, he thinks it's ok to do that even if I'm not at home. If I try and speak to him he just gets vile so to be honest I just ignore a lot of his behaviour and let it slide as I never want my son to feel like he's not welcome here. I really am counting down the days! I feel for you x

I'm a single parent of 3 too since twins were babies - this will be year 4 of doing it 99.99% alone. I find this time of year especially overwhelmingly and lonely - I think it's the Xmas period largely being about families (I'm the only divorced couple I know - my parents and aunts/uncles all been married 40 plus years and my siblings still married) and also the knowledge that the whole of the year is now stretching ahead of me doing it all alone again. The dark nights and weather dont help. Don't get me wrong I'd rather be divorced from ex - just wish I'd married and had children with someone else x

Christmas, school holidays, weekends...they can all be incredibly difficult when you're on your own, with or without your kids. I don't know which is worse tbh. Sometimes you're exhausted and just need a break but you can't and sometimes you miss them terribly when they are away.

None of us ever planned this so we have to be kind to ourselves - boring old cliché but absolutely true.

@brummumma @rosemole Christmas is definitely harder than most times, everyone I know is in couples and I do feel the odd one out 🤦🏻‍♀️ but definitely rather that than still in a bad relationship for sure. Let's all have a pity party together, pass the wine 😂🍷

My (wine) glass 🍷 is full tonight. I'm that kind of girl 😂

Brilliant, I'm sending you a cheers 🥂

hi Op, I have a 12 year old and been single 99% of that time so I hear you! Also completely lone parent so I get the decision making is hard and tiring. I've just repainted my entire apartment if it's any consolation - completely alone! (It is rented and the landlord wouldn't do it). And been really feeling the aloneness in that task especially. Try to cut yourself a little slack. We'll get through this!!

Hi @MalleableMartian thank you and well done to you! I often do a bit of decorating when I'm really fed up, I've been putting off the bathroom for ages, maybe I need to do that to get me out of my funk! Sending you a big hug, we will definitely get through it 💪🏻

Joining to say I hear you! DC dad supports us financially but otherwise I am completely on my own, he is unwell and unable to look after DC. This is the fifth Christmas since he left and while it's tough it's preferable to him being here.

I have also been dabbling in online dating but logistically I just don't see how I can make it work!

Opens another bottle

Also single parent and broken from the Christmas holidays. My son is almost 7 and this holiday has clung to me like a limpet, I haven't had time to breath or pee in peace and feel completely done. He has taken to not being able to sleep without me there either 😩

His dad is useless as diabolical with money and lives in a house share so can’t have him overnight, I’ve had flu over Christmas to add to my misery and ex was on FaceTime this evening to my son telling him about the lovely week he’s had abroad…

I do have a boyfriend of 3 years but don’t get to see him often as we both have kids (his older teens) and life just seems to bloody hard and unfair sometimes whilst the ex lives it up.

it’s evenings that really get me 😞

*making myself a chamomile tea to join you as I'm on Dry January (which isn't helping tbh!)

@3gingerboys my ex sounds similar to yours... he's said he'll 'destroy me and my standing in the community' (his usual twatty phrasing but I'm a teacher I guess he means that...) if I take him to court. Well I've decided to do it finally after 6 years of him fucking me over and being an absolute psycho all round. I borrowed the money from family and filed the online forms on Christmas Eve. So have been tired, lonely and slightly scared of Pandora's box opening... plus I start my new job tomorrow and that's a complete change of lane for me so that's terrifying. No adults to talk to this stuff about is so hard. My family are great but I think they're tired of hearing shit about my ex tbh.

Anyway, I'm having another choc and going to watch some shit on TV! Sending positive vibes your way!

Also judging by your user names our kids have something in common 🤣

@3gingerboys aww thinking of you. yes decorating the bathroom is a great idea - maybe just buying the paint is a good idea then you have it there ready - and can do the bathroom in a weekend if you have a little spare time? For me I have put it off for about 6+ years so it feels so good to finally have it out of the way and am starting to feel lighter and happier (even if I hated doing it!!). I set myself a task of one wall or window a day, which was a good starting point but once I got started I found it much easier to do more than that. Breaking it down into little parts. And schedule yourself a treat for when it's done as well!

PS I am having a beer here - much deserved after all the decorating. Cheers to all

@brummumma that sounds super tough, thinking of you! I'm sure as your kids get older it will get a bit easier each year. You are doing an amazing job!! As are all the mums on here!!

@Bearsinmotion it must be really hard with no break, it's hard enough with a bit of free time. I hope you have some support around you so that you can get some time to yourself 🤗 dating is really hard, I'm trying to see somebody well we both have kids and as you say the logistics make it almost impossible 🤦🏻‍♀️ I miss the company of a fella, but the mum guilt makes it really difficult to enjoy the time. I thought it would be easier as they got older, but my 17 year old and 19 year old barely spend any time their dad because of how he treats them. I love them dearly but it means they're always here, plus want ferrying around a lot! I can't afford to get them driving yet unfortunately. Join us with wine 😂

@mynamechangemyrules good on you well done!! I hope he shows himself with a coward he really is and doesn't follow through 🤞🏻 my ex threatened to tell the kids I am in porn 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 I'm not btw, I'd have a much better car for a start if I was 🤣 I went as far as drawing up the consent order but I knew he wouldn't cooperate with the courts and it would be a total bun fight with the kids in the middle. You're doing the right thing though as you're taking away his control and that's exactly what needs to happen, I've got everything crossed for you x

Lol ginger kids are the best 😂

@UpUpUpU

You get that bottle open girl! Bless you that sounds really hard, and what a twatty ex to brag about a holiday to his child he didn't invite! There's a reason they're an ex 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I find spare time at the weekends, it seems like everybody is with friends or family and it can be very lonely. Good luck with the dating, it is hard but if he's nice keep going, they're hard to find x

Thank you.

This chat has helped. I've been a single Mum to one son for 4 years.

His Dad is awful.... We went through court proceedings which was horrible. Handovers he has always made problematic and he's made loads of false allegations to the council etc about me.

Regardless of what happens and how tricky and childlike he is in the parenting app, having a peaceful house here for me and my son of infinitely better than living with the monster. My son and I were crying every day. I was living on pins and I was literally starting to lose my mind.

Sending love to everyone 💜💜💜