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Original poster

having very bad day - help please!

31 replies

peabunny · 27/04/2008 12:46

Sorry to come on here to have a miserable rant but i don't know what else to do. I'd started dating again (after almost 2 yrs), met a nice man, we'd met 3 or 4 times but i wasn't sure it was going anywhere. The DCs knew about the man as he'd rang a few times when they were around - I explained that we were friends and i wouldn't call him my boyfriend so they weren't to think it was a big deal. Anyway i met him again a few days ago, and as we were on the way out in his car we happened to drive past DS2s class walking to their PE lesson. DS2 told exH that evening that he'd seen me with 'boyfriend' so exH has flipped (I had mentioned to him that i'd been on a few dates with someone + he pretended to be fine about it). He said it's 'completely inappropriate' for the DCs to see me with a man at this stage (they're 9 + 13). I felt he was getting it all out of proportion ( am i right?!) So now he's saying 'he can't be bothered to be a part of this family anymore' and has already told DS1 that he's not going to be seeing them anymore. I've tried talking to him on the phone and said look you need a few days to calm down + please don't do that to the boys but he says he won't change his mind this time. (He's done things like this before). To top it all off things not working out with the new man anyway so romance not even on the cards - hell i didn't even get a snog out of it and look at all the trouble it's caused! What's the best way to deal with this man?! I feel so crap and know i have to hold everything together for the DCs.

OP posts:
FAWKEOFF · 27/04/2008 12:50

he doesnt deserve to be called a father if he is going to punish the children for being upset with you.
you need to make him realise that if he walks out on them agaon ten its the final straw...he cannot keep picking them up and dropping them when he feels like it.
It is none of his business who you date...he is an EXH for a reason.
Totally bang out of order, do not play to his tune and beg him to see the kids, he is a complete nob jockey

posieflump · 27/04/2008 12:51

what an awful ex
at least your ds' will know in a few years time tht none of this is your fault

Original poster
peabunny · 27/04/2008 13:13

what can i do? he's upset the DCs now and they're at his so i can't even talk to them. Tried and they wouldn't come to phone as too upset.

OP posts:
posieflump · 27/04/2008 13:15

I know it's hard but there isn't anything you can do until they come home (what time do they come?). Then plan something really lovely to do all togther and tell them if they have any questions/worries they can ask you anything. Maybe have ahome cinema night with their fav film and popcorn?

Freckle · 27/04/2008 13:18

He's trying to control your life even though you are no longer together. If he's any sort of a father, he won't carry out his threat. Chances are he's just spouting off because he realises that you are likely to be snapped up by someone else and he doesn't like it.

Wait until the boys come home and tell them that you were just out with a friend and that they and their dad have got hold of the wrong end of the stick. They are old enough to understand.

glitterfairy · 27/04/2008 13:23

Totally agree with freckle.

What a complete pig though to behave this way it is really none of his business who you see and what you do with your life.

Original poster
peabunny · 27/04/2008 13:26

Good advice thanks -have already spoken to DS1 about it, he's fine- just not been able to talk to DS2 yet. ExH said he was going to bring them back now but obviously considering what he's threatening to do they don't want to leave now. He's even told his mum she might not be able to see the kids anymore. (I would never stop her from seeing them!) Don't think anyone's going to want to snap me up at all with all this going on. think that's what scared this one off - he did seem really keen before!

OP posts:
Freckle · 27/04/2008 13:28

You need to make it clear to the boys that you would never stop them seeing their father so that, if he does ever decide he doesn't want to see them, that is his choice. I would also contact their grandmother and explain that you would never stop her seeing them.

Original poster
peabunny · 27/04/2008 13:52

spoke to grandma, told her i would never do that. ExH rang again, now has decided he wants the DCs to stay with him all week and wouldn't fix a time when i could see them next. I just feel like jumping off a cliff now tbh- it's agood job there aren't any around here.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 27/04/2008 14:13

Can he do that and is it ok with you?

Personally I think with all this going on you should insist he brings them back so that you can talk to them properly and find out how they are feeling.

This is a dreadful way for him to behave.

gillybean2 · 27/04/2008 15:03

Stop letting him bully you. The children are meant to be back at a certain time, nothing has changed and they should be back with you as previously arranged. Do not accept his changes to the arrangements just because he feels like keeping them to make himself feel better. Stand up for yourself and for the children!

Also there is no relationship to discuss or justify to him. And even if there were it is none of his business. You should tell him so in no uncertain terms.

I suggest you inform him the children are to be returned/collect as usual at [time/date] and send him an email or letter along the following lines:

Dear Ex
It is inappropriate for you to judge who and what relationships I have as we are no longer in a relationship other than that of parents to our children. Who my friends are is frankly none of your business, as it is none of my business who your friends are. I'm sure you would consider it inappropriate for me to comment on your friends and relationships at this time. Therefore I suggest you do not take it upon yourself to cast judgement or make comments on mine.

For the record the person described as my 'boyfriend' by [child] is, and has been, no more than a friend to me at this time. Also he has not been introduced to the children. I will decide if and when it is appropriate for that to happen.

If you have issues over who my friends are then you should speak to me and not involve the children.

It is completely inappropriate to threaten them and refuse to see them over a simple misunderstanding. I am sure when you calm down you will see how inappropriate your actions are and how it is not in the best interests of the children to threaten to refuse to see them any longer over any issue.

It is clear to me that you have issues which you need to resolve in regard to the situation between us and also as to your role as a parent to the children. Perhaps you should consider seeking some kind of professional help or councelling to help you resolve these issues. The children are suffering un-necessary distress through your actions and behaviour and I'm sure you will agree this is not in their best interests. I hope we can quickly resolve this situation for the sake of the children as it is not in their best interest to be put through a situation such as this.

Please be aware that I have reassured your mother that, as far as I am concerned, she will always be welcome and able to see the children, even if you choose not to see them yourself. Please do not imply otherwise to her again.

I do not feel there is any more to be said on this subject. However if you feel that anything further needs discussing please contact me directly.

Yours
[you]

Keep strong, don't allow yourself to be bullied like this. Your children need you to be strong for them given the completely inappropriate behavior and jealous actions displayed by their father. Also speak to your new man and explain the situation to him. If he runs then he's not the man for you anyhow.

Best wishes
Gilly

glitterfairy · 27/04/2008 17:55

Hi Gilly good email but not sure I would include the stuff about counseling that might enrage him further.

I might go down the line of

Dear X

Please do not think that you can comment on my relationships, they are none of your business just as your relationships are none of mine.

I expect the children to be returned at the usual time etc.

Your behaviour is obviously upsetting them and is completely inappropriate.

peabunny

Other than that I wouldn't stoop to discussing his behaviour at all and certainly wouldn't discuss his mother, she can tell him herself. .

Original poster
peabunny · 27/04/2008 23:30

thanks all for your support - i got him to bring the DCs back this afternoon, spoke to them both. They were obviously distressed when they arrived. Soon calmed down though and we had a lovely time together, played games, ate nice food, i hope they'll be ok. I have tried to say a lot of the things above to ex - and he says all the more reason that he shouldn't see the DCs anymore. I think in the long run that probably would be the best thing for them (and me!)

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 28/04/2008 17:52

How absolutely pathetic peabunny. I have an X who always threatened my dcs with this and now only two of mine will see him.

glitterfairy · 28/04/2008 17:53

Sorry only one of mine out of three.

Original poster
peabunny · 28/04/2008 20:54

hi glitterfairy - how old are your DCs now? He's awful, having trouble remembering how i ever liked him. On a nicer note tho - the new man friend popped round with a present for me and was really lovely!

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glitterfairy · 29/04/2008 07:53

I have three kids peabunny one is 13, one 12 and one 9. When we split up they were 10,9 and 7.

He assaulted me and them though and broke into our house and stole my stuff, so the violence has not helped. Despite this my little one has continued to see him and stuck with it even with a few hiccups. She has had three overnights in three years and on one of them he kicked her so no, I wouldnt let them go anywhere I couldnt get them from.

I tried my utmost in the beginning to foster a good relationship with him and them but dont have to with the eldest anymore. My middle child now has a counsellor who he talks to provided through relate and school and that has really helped.

My X constantly threw them (eldest 2) out of his gf's house where he now lives and told them he wouldnt see them again and that he was sick of the sight of them etc. They have reacted by stopping all contact and it serves him right.

glitterfairy · 29/04/2008 07:53

I have three kids peabunny one is 13, one 12 and one 9. When we split up they were 10,9 and 7.

He assaulted me and them though and broke into our house and stole my stuff, so the violence has not helped. Despite this my little one has continued to see him and stuck with it even with a few hiccups. She has had three overnights in three years and on one of them he kicked her so no, I wouldnt let them go anywhere I couldnt get them from.

I tried my utmost in the beginning to foster a good relationship with him and them but dont have to with the eldest anymore. My middle child now has a counsellor who he talks to provided through relate and school and that has really helped.

My X constantly threw them (eldest 2) out of his gf's house where he now lives and told them he wouldnt see them again and that he was sick of the sight of them etc. They have reacted by stopping all contact and it serves him right.

glitterfairy · 29/04/2008 07:54

ooops

Original poster
peabunny · 29/04/2008 08:54

He sounds like an absolute nightmare glitterfairy, you sound so strong about it all! He should think himself lucky to have had any contact with the kids at all. Makes my ex sound like a pussycat, he has never got physical, his thing is emotional abuse. He did it to me for as long as i can remember, i always used to tread on eggshells to try to avoid annoying him but the slightest little thing would set him off. Now i can see he's doing the same sort of thing to the DCs too, but they still want to stay with him. Think DS1 understands more about what he's like but DS2 gets v upset and i really need to get him to talk to a counsellor.

OP posts:
charlotte121 · 29/04/2008 13:44

hang on a min, what exactly is it that u have done wrong here? you have dealt with the situation sympathetically explaining the guy to your kids and treading carefully around the whole boyfriend issue... you havnt even kissed the guy. you have nothing to be sorry for. IMO ur ex is a total idiot. Your not with him now, so who the hell is he to tell you who you can and cant see. He cant expect you to stay single for the rest of your life!!! I would understand if ur kids were about 5 years old and u were dragging a different guy through the door each week and introducing him as your boyfriend, but your not! Your children are old enough to understand that your relationship with their hasnt worked out and im sure they would be perfectly fine with u dating other men if it were makin you happy. your ex has no right to act this way and it seems like hes making excuses not to see the kids and finding a way to blame it on you. God men like ur ex are so anoying... they make me angry!!! I think you have been really sensible, especially as you have talked it through with ur kids. tell ur ex to butt out!!!

glitterfairy · 29/04/2008 18:44

peabunny he is and has just started up again!

Sent him an email I have laughed my socks over though which made me feel better.

Emotional abuse is still abuse and the worst thing is when people sound completely reasonable and then wait until you are off guard and hurt you.

Using your dcs in this way is completely unacceptable. It is abusive and somehow you need to protect them.

Charlotte you are so right.

Original poster
peabunny · 29/04/2008 19:04

Thanks Charlotte + GF I've been feeling a lot stronger now and have ignored all of his ranting text messages, only reply to things concerning arrangements for the kids. The kids actually do seem pleased that i'm dating, they were even asking if they could meet him, so i kept it all low key. They could do with a good male role model - even if he is just going to be a friend, that would be good!

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glitterfairy · 29/04/2008 20:32

Way to go peabunny dont let the bastard get you down!

littlewoman · 30/04/2008 00:43

Feel sorry for you peabunny. You try to do things the right way, and it's still wrong. Your ex sounds like he's trying to make life so hard that you give up on the new man. Seriously, he sounds only just this side of deranged, the way he is carrying on.

It's nice that you have your dc's support though. That is very sweet of them. Hope things get easier for you.