Co parent a newborn

[natasha39]

How can you coparent a newborn with a ex when your breast feeding ? He's a "tit" pardon the pun won't stay over dosnt wanna be near me ect im due the baby in April via c section , how is this ment to work , I won't have any support but he's refusing to support me and just says he will be there for the baby but dosnt explain how , how is he gonna spend time with his child when im breastfeeding and there newborn

well he is right about staying over you aren’t in a relationship

Nothing to say he can't stay in the spare room to help thru the night , he's so childish

Sorry to hear about this situation! Honestly though I think suggesting he stays over is a bad idea. It seems from your post you dont get on and honestly having someone I dont get on with around me while trying to get to grips with a newborn and establish breastfeeding wouldve been a hard no from me!! The first few weeks is going to be very difficult, I won't lie, but once some sort of a routine is established he might be able to come over and take baby between feeds or come to the house and let you head out between feeds?

Could he fund a postnatal doula or night nanny/mother's help?

He sounds worse than unhelpful. You probably don't want him anywhere near you TBH. Do you have any family support? Especially female? Mum, aunt, sister? A friend?

In my experience if you're breastfeeding then the Dad mainly just has to look after Mum - that's his job. So if the Dad doesn't get on with the Mum I can't see that working very well!

each to their own but he can’t help much if you are bf and i say that as a lone parent from the beginning who bf with no help from dc father

I would not want to co parent a new born, if it was me he would not be having the baby alone until the baby was older.

It isn't going to work. Even when everything is fine it can be a test in any relationship. You both need to have some sort of communication going forward.

Unfortunately that doesn't mean he can support you. Have you any friends who can help for a few day

Babies especially newborns need to be with their mums end of. He can either come and hang out at yours or he'll be waiting some time

If he can’t be near you then he can’t help can he ? Will he be able to cope better if a third person is there ? By third person I mean someone neutral like his or your mum. I obviously don’t know why you broke up but sometimes people argue less if there’s an extra adult present. It’s up to him to suggest a solution and for you to consider if it’s possible.

As you’re breast feeding then he can only really help in short bursts of say an hour. I understand why he doesn’t want to stay in your spare room but I’ve read plenty of posts where the dad who comes round acts like the mum’s house is their own home and annoys her by leaving mess, eating her food etc

Id say you have until April to work this out and a lot is likely to change between now and then.

I'd let everyone cool off and it settle. See if you are able to develop a platonic supportive relationship by March. And plan out what post
Natal support looks like then.

If you argue constantly between now and then or he stops contacting you-you have your answer: let time do the work.

Hi I was also single and pregnant and hoped he'd help. He didn't he just visited for photo ops.
You need support from people who like or love you. I strongly recommend you go to have the baby where you have friends or family who you can stay with for first few weeks at least.
If you don't have this then your best investment will be a night nanny /maternity nurse for first few days- I'd take out a loan for this if you can't afford it. You can't risk bursting those scars open.
Stay in hospital as long as you can, I did three nights.

Ps don't expect him
To suddenly let start caring about you - if he didn't when he was your bf he won't now

If he doesn't want to be around you then he can't coparent a newborn with you. Nobody, not even the child's father, has the right to separate a tiny baby from their mum.

Is he happy to wait until you are ready to be apart from your baby?

Back story at 11 weeks pregnant he said "I don't think we should have a baby yet " live together 2 years planned baby everything was perfect untill then , this started with his mother not agreeing with me telling his 6 years planned baby old son off on holiday for hanging over a balcony , we told her we where pregnant on holiday and her only words where " we're use trying for a baby " that was it and nothing since ! He left me at 13 weeks pregnant moved bk to his mams ! I personally think she's been in his ear wanting me to terminate my baby and I haven't and he's picked his mother ( his loss idiot boy child he's 30 going on 14 ) so now where here , im the type of person who likes to no what the plan is so I can't get my head around it and plan

Honesty you need to go to where people will suppprt you it's a lot easier to move now

Keep him off the birth certificate or he'll be able to control you

I think you need to separate his relationship with the baby & his relationship with you.

You are not together; he doesn't need to stay over - even in the spare room.
He doesn't need to support you - he needs to support the child.
He has shown you what he is / what he's willing to do or not do.

I say this as a single parent - when the "dad" left me at 7 weeks pregnant never to be heard from again.

The reality is you are doing this alone; the sooner you make peace with this, the easier it will be.

After the baby is born could you go stay with family or have them come stay with you?
If you need a plan - then make your own plan - he isn't involved as he has shown he doesn't want to be; so make your plan as if you are single and alone ... if things change when the baby is here you can change and amend plans as and when / if needed.

First, as hard as it is you need to detach, he isn't there to support you or make your life better in any way shape or form. You are no longer together. His sole responsibility is to the baby and developing a relationship and for providing for the baby financially when with you (go straight through CMS it puts a middle man in place and reduces stress) and practically as baby grows and is with him. Yes, ofcourse in an ideal world he would help with overnights but that simply isn't going to happen so forget about it or you'll just get resentful.

Court will want contact with tiny babies to be little and often ie an hour a day, It will take time to get to court so you can refuse to leave baby with him for the first 6 months as exclusively BF and offer (in writing) to meet out the house if he won't come to you, so at the park, library, shopping centre or at another neutral place. So he can have cuddles and baby can get used to his smell and voice. Baby really only needs mum for the first year and there isn't much dad can add but he won't feel like that. There are often baby groups at the library etc where he could take baby and you sit outside available for a feed - make the most of it as a coffee break / read a book.

Once baby is about 6 months court will expect longer contact as baby is at the age commonly at nursery and will be able to have solids and will expect that to be without you providing they already have a bond and there is no worry of abuse.

I got overnight contact written in so it didn't start until she was 4 years.

We used a contact centre but these aren't widely available and we're volunteer run like a play group where the resident parent dropped the child off and the non resident parent was supported with developing practical skills like nappy changing and also with toys and craft activities to help build the bond. This was organised through my solicitor.

If he's not willing to stay in the same house as you and the baby, he won't be supporting at night. For the first few weeks the baby won't be separated from you happily at all. You'll come as a package in that time. Maybe from about 3-4 months he might get away with taking baby to the park or for a walk for a couple of hours. Whole days and overnights won't be happening until at least 1 year, and that's if he continues to stay involved and doesn't just give up.

I'd accept that you're going to be doing this largely alone.

I think it will be difficult. You're not going to be able to be away from the baby for more than a couple of hours at first, until you are ready to introduce bottles of expressed milk or formula.
Him staying overnight in the spare room or just being there during the day would the best solution.
Overnight stays without you will probably be from 6 months realistically, and that depends on how well the baby takes a bottle when you're not there.

I can barely understand a word of this. Do you mean he's got a 6 year old son that he hung over a balcony? What does "we're use trying for a baby" mean?

I think it means when they told the ex's mother that OP is pregnant, she asked were they trying for a baby.

OP, you are on for a lifetime of having this man (and his mother) involved with you and your child. I'd work on getting yourself to a place that you can tolerate hum before the baby comes, the baby does not need to be brought into the middle of toxicity!

His mam didn't agree with me telling my now ex's son off on holiday for hanging over a balcony he is only 6 his son , that is what started this whole breakdown of the relationship , he never told me she had a issue I just felt there was one as she didn't come round for two weeks , I thought I was going crazy imagining it untill I pushed and pushed and he finally told me what her problem was

What does "we're use trying for a baby" mean?

I think it should say "Were youse trying for a baby" which is Liverpool dialect for "Were you trying for a baby"

All of which is the bloke's mum being dismissive and uninterested.

@natasha39 you need to end it properly with this bloke.

Do not invite him to stay when the baby's born. Do not put him on the birth certificate. Basically, forget about him.

He sounds like the sort of idiot who will demand overnight stays from birth, just to avoid paying maintenance.

When you're breastfeeding, the baby has to stay with you. All day and all night.

Get rid of the bloke now. He's going to be useless after the baby's born.

For two years I never seen this side of him it's been the last 7 weeks it's been horrific distant no support , asking why I'm crying all the time , ptsd from last pregnancy nearly losing my daughter , then high downs test then a bleed , he just went into a shell , even tho we planned this baby it's been since we told his mother and she said "where youse trying for a baby " he now seems like the type of person who would demand to take the baby right away which will not be happening at all , i wanted him on birth certificate and our baby to carry his name but from the past 2 weeks since he left and the 5 weeks of torture he put me thru before leaving I don't think that will be happening