Co parent a newborn

[natasha39]

How can you coparent a newborn with a ex when your breast feeding ? He's a "tit" pardon the pun won't stay over dosnt wanna be near me ect im due the baby in April via c section , how is this ment to work , I won't have any support but he's refusing to support me and just says he will be there for the baby but dosnt explain how , how is he gonna spend time with his child when im breastfeeding and there newborn

I think this sounds like a bloody mess to be honest. You yourself say he's a "tit" and his mother sounds no better when she sees no harm in a 6 year old hanging off a balcony. How did you get involved with these people? Anyway, I think you're looking at single parenthood here. Don't encourage "the tit" to hang around and co-parent.

Honestly everything was a fairytale untill I was 6 weeks pregnant , I've never had a issue with someone's mother before never dated anyone who now seems to still attached by the umbilical to there mother , I have two older children 18 and 9 , 9 year old fathers died and 18 year old dosnt really have a relationship with hers ( her choice) so it's not like Im new to single parenting but never for a second expected it to happen when we planned this child

You must be so disappointed it's worked out like this @natasha39

Honestly. End it now. Get these people out of your life.

I have no contact with his mother I haven't since I found out she had a issue with me , it's just hard we lived together where engaged and she essentially spoilt it and took it away from me it seems , and I no what ur all gonna say if it was real love he wouldn't have left ect and I no this but it still hurts the same , I feel like she's taken my chance at happiness and a family away . I'm now just focusing on me my baby and two girls I just wish I new what the plan was with him as a father , I have two friends who have there own kids and partners who are there to support me as much as they can , I have my daughters 18 is at uni twice a week and works weekends , and my 9 year old who can't wait for the baby lol I'm just worried as it's gonna be a c section , I suffer from perinatal anxiety with the last two and I really could do with him helping me with the baby but I just don't see it happening and I don't want him stressing me after baby is here

Two very different issues: your relationship with your ex and your ex relationship with the baby.

From what you said, he is immature and prefers to be with ‘mommy’.
That’s fine - his life.
But that means you need to think about building your life wo him. Starting with who will be able to support you once baby is here.
Do you have family or friends nearby? Would it make sense for you to move closer to them? Who will be at birth with you (not your ex!!). Think finance too.

Then the relationship between baby and his father.
If you’re bfing, he’ll have to see his baby at your home. At least to start with as when baby will want to feed will be unreliable to start with. Later he might be able to go out with a bottle of expressed milk (might my own dc always refused a bottle. You can’t plan for that). Then as time goes, he’ll be able to spend more time on his own with baby.

What shouldn’t happen imo is for him to stay over, even in the spare room. It’s not going to help you move on from his betrayal. Its not going to help you rebuild your life, your way and wo him.

Xpost.

It will probably sound harsh.
But if he can that easily I fluencies by his mum, up to the point of suddenly not wanting a child he said he wanted for a long time, then he wasn’t a good partner and never will be.
What you had would have imploded at some point anyway, si o,y due to his immaturity and lack of spine

This is exactly what most men like him mean by “ being there for the baby “. He will want photos of him with baby, his family members with baby and everyone with the ( probably ) ridiculous gifts that they will buy baby.

It might also mean buying baby a football strip in his team colours and expecting you to dress up baby and take photos.

He will expect you to facilitate this by making sure baby is fed and dressed up at a time that suits him. So you have to decide if you want to add this chore onto your list of duties as a new mum.

Heres my advice.

1. arrange support from your family and friends for during labour and delivery and the first few weeks at home . Assume he will do nothing.
2. Dont tell him when baby is born until you are back home and have gone to register baby’s birth with your choice of first name and your own surname.
3. then allow him to visit baby at a time that suits you AND when you have a family member in the house with you.
4. apply to CMS as soon as baby is born. They will calculate what he needs to pay and if he acts like an adult and pays you on time each month then you can keep it as what’s called a family based arrangement. Ignore what he says about not going through CMS, it costs you £10 and gives you some small amount of protection for when he stops paying ( that’s when not if ).
5. assume he will be absolutely useless for everything apart from the odd photo shoot . Then if he’s better than that, you can be pleasantly surprised and come back her and tell us all how great he is.

If he actually does want to parent his child then of course there’s lots that he could do. As you will be BF they mostly involve caring for you as well ( doing washing, cooking, cleaning or shopping ). So he’s not going to do that is he? The reality of caring for a newborn baby is hard work and not super rewarding so most men ( including a lot of the happily married ones ) usually opt out of 90% of it , I’m afraid.

Im sorry I can’t be more positive but you need to prepare to do this all alone / with your own family support.

I'm seeing that now that I need to prepare to be alone thru this just me and my girls and baby , you sound about right he will just want photo opportunities, he dosnt seem to understand that I really could do with him supporting me with little things while recovering like making me a cuppa , watching baby while I shower , grabbing some shopping for the house he did take on my children when he was here , I'm not asking for a relationship back with him I'm past that now I'm asking him to support me to be the best mam I can be for our child , maybe it's just to raw for him right now or maybe he's just a prick I don't no honestly all these comments are helping no matter how brutal and true , I don't no how men just get to decide to walk away they should be some sort of punishment for them

If he can’t be in the same place as you then he won’t be able to attend the naming appointment. I suggest that you give baby your surname and register alone so that the appointment is calm and peaceful. If he wants to be added to the birth certificate then there’s a form that he can submit to court and get added later

New borns are really fragile. You don't know yet how the baby will settle once out of the womb. BF is on demand, of the baby that is, and a very intense job. Mine all fed every 2-4 hrs no matter what, day or night. Also my 4th child would not settle and only slept soundly physically stuck to someone. I carried him around in a wrap for weeks all day. That is to illustrate how a baby will adjust no one knows in advance.

If a guy is this unwilling and he is this much of a man child he potentially will just add to your problems and stress levels. Count him out. You and your baby need this crucial time to bond.

Do you have any other support? Mom, siblings, female friends who could help? Plan with other people. Do not run your life planning around his ego.

Can you move closer to family before the baby is born?

I live round the corner from my mam but she's not willing to help ( long story ) my gran lives in same road but she's really old and I wouldn't ask her for help like that , I don't speak to rest of my family we are all estranged xx

I’d be seriously reconsidering having this baby at all. There’s already enough drama in your life, OP.

I think that was Abit uncalled for you don't no peoples life's or what they have been thru in the past or there views on that subject

I’ve gone off your own posts!

man child ex
unsupportive mothers on both sides
a 9 year old with a traumatic past
an 18 year old without much of a support network
you having PTSD already

it just sounds a lot for you to deal with already, without adding a baby and another 18+ years of drama into all of your lives.

Not sure why you’re having a go at me when you booked a termination for last week. I obviously wasn’t that unreasonable to suggest it! (advance searched after posting the above).

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat couldn't agree more

This.
And you have another child by someone else, too? And he moved in with the two of you and she witnessed all this recent "hell"??

He's useless and always will be; I imagine that the mother of his other offspring could have told you that. He's 30 and already leaving a trail of children in his wake.

Do you have any family or friends you could move near? I wouldn't want this tosser around my kids.