Very newly single parent... advice and tips please

[TheMAFSfan]

Hello

I am very very newly separated from my ex-partner after I discovered his affair. He has left my home (I own with mortgage) and our young child is with me.

Can you share things you learned as a single parent that you wish someone had maybe shared with you, or any other words of wisdom.

So far I have contacted the council about getting a single person occupancy discount on my council tax bill 😊

Someone also mentioned to me about checking if I was eligible for any benefits although I don't think I will be.

Any suggestions would be appreciated

Thank you

Single mum to 4 here ( 3 are autistic and adhd) I meal plan as everyone eats different. Have a couple of easy meals in freezer like frozen jacket potatoes and always bread. I have a well stocked medicine box calpol, paracetamol for me, plasters, imodium ect. Have a large wall calendar where everything is planned out. Put clothes out night before and pack any bags. 2 hoovers one upstairs one down and cleaning bits on both floors. Clean sick bowl kept upstairs, kids spare bedding stored under their beds. A small clothes rail in hallway holding everyone's coats, hats ect and 2 coats each. You will find your way/ own routine once you get going! Sometimes it's overwhelming but you do just get on with it x

Thank you for all of your tips. I'm going to sort a medicine box straight away as that's one of the things that worries me, not being able to look after her properly if I'm ill x

How old is your child and what is your set up?
Are you working?
Im sorry you have experienced this

Please book some counselling to give yourself a space to talk

Single mum to two teenagers here. When they were small I used to keep a travel size first aid kit in my bag. And tissues, lots of tissues x try and meal plan for a few days so you have some dinners in. You will find a way through. Don't be afraid to sit in the garden and have a good cry when the little ones are asleep x it takes the pressure off you x

Set up child maintenance claim immediately
He can apply to the court for a contact schedule of your daughter
Tell her in an age appropriate way if she is old enough that he had moved out - pictures can help

When traveling dress your children in the same colour/, style of cardigan/hat. Makes them easy to spot in a busy train station. I also used to write my phone number on their arm or in the cap when out for the day. If you go somewhere new have a meeting place so if anyone gets lost head for there.

Gingerbread has advice and support groups for single parents.

What is your situation regarding family (including grandparents) and friends?

Ideally you would have a few family members close by who will take up the slack and fill in the gaps instinctively, almost without needing to be asked.

If that’s not the case the you really need to invest in your friends and build a solid community of people who care about you both. It doesn’t matter whether you are naturally sociable or not - both for your own sake and for your child‘s you will need people around you that you can trust and rely on.

If you are primary carer, you will have trouble finding time to do things you need to do by yourself.

Think about exercise - buggy jogging or long walks, weights sessions while little one is asleep etc. Plan your hair appts and things like cervical screening - you will need a babysitter of some kind. Do you have family or a friend who will help you out occasionally.

Is your partner prepared to co-parenting amicably? You will need to think about childcare and choice of school. Pickups and drop offs Mine just left everything to me which wasn't helpful.

You need some regular down time even if it is only a few hours a week.

Plan, plan, plan in advance. From reducing your food shopping to once a week, to meal planning. You will learn to be much more efficient. Book childcare and holiday club as soon as possible. Be at the front of the queue.

But it can be done and I've managed to raise DS while working full time, for the last 14 years. Good luck.

Sorry to hear this! Not a single parent but:
Enough clothes for 1 week, so if you don't have time during the week it can all wait till the weekend. Also enough spare clothes for daycare/bag at school when having a young child.
Two water bottles and two lunch boxes, in case a bag gets lost, a bottle broken or you simply don't have time to clean them one evening.
Budgeting (on paper or use an app)
Organised mum method for cleaning.
Also plan birthdays, Christmas, toy buying etc. on time. Maybe have birthday cards in stock if you're used to sending them.

Photos. Being on your own means you're the one taking them 99% of the time and when you look back you realise you have very few pics of you and your child together. Learn how to set the timer on your phone and make sure you take lots!

Do everything the night before (stuff ready for school if dc at school or nursery stuff out and ready) so that mornings are easier

I had a general rule of wiping down the kitchen before bed so it was clean and the main housework on the weekend (and once I had a bit of money I got a cleaner once every 2 weeks which was a revelation!)

Make sure your ex is paying you child maintenance and any other amounts - agree some principles now if possible if you're aware of what you should be getting

Save the number for the local taxi firm just in case you need it (if you need to get somewhere and can't drive - I once cut my foot open on a faulty bin pedal and had to get to minor injuries for stitches!)

Also don't forget to have fun. If you work full time in the office it is tough - I had to remind myself often that life wasn't only about work and looking after the kids. Try and make sure you do things you enjoy every now and then!

@tearsandtiaras Yes, I work full time, Monday-Friday. My daughter is 3 and attends pre school from 7am til I can get to her, usually 5pm but the pre school is open until 6.

@shellyleppard Thank you so much for that safety tip.

@FlyMeToPluto RE maintenance I have asked him if he wants to agree to an amount. He's panicking now because he is going to have to find somewhere to rent. My main concern is his refusing to pay his half of the nursery fees as we've always done.

Does maintenance usually include contribution to nursery?

yes it will include all costs

Maintenance will be a global amount that you will be expected to use towards all things child related, including nursery.

The thing I was going to say was have childcare sorted out. And I don’t just mean nursery. I mean knowing who you can go to, trusted babysitters. Depending on your working arrangements that’s the critical thing.

Otherwise frankly I found everything so much easier. Less housework, less laundry, healthier habits including for me healthier eating and going to bed earlier.

and frankly, if he is interested in having shared responsibility, personally I found it the most liberating time of my life. Think best of both worlds, having a child and freedom just prepare yourself that courts favour 50-50 from quite early on.

@curious79 thank you for that. I'm going to sit down tonight and work out proper budget of my own costs. I think I could just about manage to pay the nursery bill but I'd have absolutely nothing left over so that's where his maintenance would come into it. He previously gave me an amount towards bills, food and then paid half of nursery so I will be down a few hundred pounds at least but as you said, food bills will be lower, energy costs etc.

I already feel as though the house is a much calmer place, my daughter hasn't had a meltdown or cried for two days since he left. It's not easy but I'm getting more and more used to it.

One thing I found was that, depending on how young your child is, when they've gone to bed you can't just nip out the house if you've run out of milk etc! I made sure I always had basics such as bread and milk in the freezer just in case.

Also if your daughter will be staying over with her dad then blitz your housework and life admin so you can spend quality time with her when she's with you. It's really hard at first OP,

Do you have a weekly grocery delivery set up? If not, do that. As a pp has said, there should be no need for you ever to run out of bread and milk, etc. (If you’re stating from new it may need an hour or two to set up your list, but after that your staples will all be in your favourites list. You can add extra things as they occur to you - and set a regular delivery slot. You really won’t want or have the time for wandering around a supermarket at the weekend.

Big hug to you @TheMAFSfan . Ex-H left me with a toddler and a baby. They are now fully grown adults, so we all survived. Here is what I would say:

1. Remember you are not superwoman. You can only do what you can do.
2. You will not be perfect and sometimes it will all go to shit and that's ok.
3. Get as much sleep as you can. Being tired makes things a million times worse.
4. Be as organised as you possibly can be. Planning ahead will be your best protection, from clothes out for the morning to school holiday clubs booked as early as you can. Go through the calendar and plan as far in advance as you can for everything: car services, bin days, bill payments, insurance renewals, inset days, school shoe buying days, parents evenings, performances. Have a drawer with kids birthday cards and a box with a few gifts for those pesky parties that happen at short notice. Have a supermarket delivery booked weekly.
5. Find other single parents and do stuff with them.
6. Remember everything changes. On the days that are relentless, never-ending and tough, remember that it won't always be like this.
7. Carving out time for yourself will be difficult, so look at ways of having fun with your DC. Might not always be what you had in mind, but you will be glad you did.
8. When they are very trying teenagers and you are doing endless party pickups and it is just you, take a deep breath and remember that this too will pass and they'll soon be driving themselves.
9. Claim maintenance asap.
10. Unless your ex is abusive, let him be a parent too. My ex-H was about as much help as a chocolate teapot, but I have friends who have managed to get a reasonable rota going and manage some form of co-parenting.
11. If you have any remotely helpful family members, ask them for help - but not too much.

My top tip would be get yourself a set of miniature screwdrivers and a stash of AA and AAA batteries you won't believe how often you need them.
If you can afford it get your little one booked into something like Stagecoach so that you can drop them off and have space to breathe and have a coffee once a week.
Second what others are saying re online delivery and a cleaner- certainly got me through the early years.

My top tips are:

Once dc is in bed do max 15 mins cleaning/tidying/sorting etc and then do nothing else. That’s often your only down time. Just relax.

Get a cleaner. It’s impossible to do everything as a single parent, cleaning is by far the easiest and cheapest thing to outsource.

Find a way to get some time to yourself. That can be dc time with dad or working 4 days or grandparents babysitting etc etc, but you can’t cope with no time to yourself.

Keep bread, milk, a couple of days of meals in the freezer at all times so that you can manage without help if dc is too poorly to get to the supermarket.

Get a really good bedtime routine in place and enforce it ruthlessly.