Very newly single parent... advice and tips please

[TheMAFSfan]

Hello

I am very very newly separated from my ex-partner after I discovered his affair. He has left my home (I own with mortgage) and our young child is with me.

Can you share things you learned as a single parent that you wish someone had maybe shared with you, or any other words of wisdom.

So far I have contacted the council about getting a single person occupancy discount on my council tax bill 😊

Someone also mentioned to me about checking if I was eligible for any benefits although I don't think I will be.

Any suggestions would be appreciated

Thank you

Lots of great advice on here.

I would challenge the poster who said let him apply to court for a contact schedule. Court is expensive and brutal, absolute last resort only.

If he's a good Dad try and find an amicable parenting agreement/schedule. You will - after time - appreciate your free time and your child will benefit hugely from not being in the middle of conflict. If he's abusive to you or her then totally different advice applies.

Prioritise looking after yourself - your dd depends on you so you need to put your health and wellbeing first. Happy mum = happy dc.

It took me along time to learn that and I regret not taking better care of myself to be the best parent I could.

And you need friends. Your only adult conversation will be from them. It can make all the difference to have someone to share your thoughts/worries and laughs with.

There really has been so much great advice in this thread. Thank you everyone who has commented as it's really making me feel less alone.

I do have family but they live half an hour away, but they have helped out as much as they can in the past when needed to. His mother has also been in contact with me and said not to be a stranger, she wants to keep in touch and maintain our relationship and they're here for me should dd or I need anything. So I guess like lots of people have said, now is my time to build my community and support network.

I don't want to go through court or CMS if possible but he doesn't have a home at the moment so visits will be taking place at his parents house as and when suits. He's spoken to his daughter every day this week either in person or via FaceTime so I'm doing what I can to keep the lines of communication open x

Definitely apply for universal credit, you might be surprised.

You may also find that you'd be as well off if you did want to go part time...

My advice is make sure you save some money each month, I had saving pots for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, the car, household emergencies etc.

Enjoy being a single parent, I raised my dd on my own and I've loved having her to myself. She's 18 now and we're really close.

The times when it's hard is when one of us are ill, if I was ill it was miserable trying to keep going for dd. When dd was ill it was stressful and lonely.

If you can build up a support network this will help.

Mine’s grown now so we’re moving along, but looking back my main takeaways would be:
• Look after yourself, keep in touch with your friends even if it feels tempting to just stay at home resting when you have the rare chance to have the place to yourself;
• Yours is still very young but still make sure you imprint on them the importance of household chores and helping you. I tried to make my daughter’s life as easy as possible as she has other issues going on and it backfired massively, I’m having trouble sorting it now;
• Date. I stayed single by choice until mine turned 18 and looking back, I shouldn’t have. She likes my partner enough but she’s had a very hard time wrapping her head around the fact that I don’t exist just for her.

I hope it all goes well! You got this 💃

Thank you everyone. I keep flitting between regret in the decision and happiness at being on my own. He keeps guilt tripping me every day saying I have broken up our family etc. He has had a dig at me tonight (come around to see our daughter) and he's twigged that I've removed all photos of him from the downstairs of our house. I couldn't bear looking at his face.

Hate feeling like the bad guy and don't want to be railroaded into giving him another chance because I'm stressed.

Was super proud of myself this morning though, managed to clean the bath and basin before leaving for work and it was lovely to walk into when I got home. Being my future friend

Just echoing a lot of the previous tips...

• meal planning is a total saviour.. meant once a week shop and you don't have to think after you've written your list (and keep a magnetic shopping list on your fridge to make notes of the store cupboard stuff you run out of like ketchup or stock cubes or sponges)
• master a simple kids favourite meal ie toad in the hole or pitta pizzas for when your DD starts to have playdates
• cleaner if you can afford one - I've only had one for the last two years (single parent for 12!) and it is an absolute game changer... she's bloody amazing and I've lost the guilt that comes from a slightly unkempt house
• wall calender - on your phone is great buy you can see from a glance if there's something on. It's also useful for things like contact days so make them up in they're regular (or even if they're not) and you can immediately see if it's your free weekend, even months ahead.
• if you can afford it, a season ticket to a soft play or similar.. she sounds a little small now but somewhere that you can both go and she'll run around like mad and you'll get a hot cuppa (if you have an IKEA local, sign her up for the creche.. its just an hour but I used to just go to the cafe on occasion and have a tea and some Dime cake and felt amazing afterwards. And get an IKEA family card - then the tea is free as well!!)

I have heaps more but those changed my life and meant less mental energy spent which is so important when you're juggling it all! Best of luck!

@TheMAFSfan remember you did not break up the family, he did that when he had the affair. Unless, he had discussed having a fling with you and you had agreed that you were ok with that, he broke the promise and agreement he had with you to be faithful. I imagine he also told you a pack of lies about where he was etc when he was having the affair too. The actions he chose to take (I'm guessing no one forced him to have an affair) have consequences and he has to suck those up now.

I'm sure he regrets what he did, but that is his issue, not yours. You are not responsible for how he feels and his guilt-tripping, that is all on him.

Top marks for the clean bathroom before work too!

Benefits, CMS, always have fuel in your car in case of emergency, plan a lazy day once a month where you sleep in in the morning (set the tv up in your room, put breakfast next to the bed, pastries work, and get them to get in bed with you in the morning). Enjoy it too. It's hard but the freedom to parent how you want is wonderful!

My 2 top tips are to always keep a pint of milk in your freezer (you can’t pop out once the kids have gone to bed!) and always keep a pound coin hidden at home for an emergency tooth fairy coin!!

Thank you @MargoLivebetter for being so kind.

I think he regrets it so much because he's struggling to find somewhere to live now and doesn't want to "start over" again .... unbelievable!!

@Squirrelz5 I love this idea!! I am finding that the house is staying tidier, and my daughter is a lot calmer now he's gone. It's hard work BUT its no harder than what I was doing before (everything), I just have the freedom to eat what I want and go to bed when I want without having to maintain a relationship. My head will be clearer in time but I'm getting there.

Don't agree to him having your child just on a weekend. Why should you have all the responsibilities of school, homework and clubs (as she gets older) and he gets the fun time at weekends. Share the care between week days and weekends.

Start as you mean to go on. Be careful with contact - if he decides to take it to court in the future they'll look at what you've been doing and possible want to keep it the same or even increase it.

Also, I wouldn't let him into your house or it will be hard to maintain your new singleness, especially if he is pressuring you to go back to him.

YOU... breaking up the family? How dare he.

Make sure that work (during working week) or friend (at weekends) knows to call you to make sure you are ok if you don’t show up. Teach your child how to call the emergency services or go to a neighbour for help. Join the single parent travel club on Facebook for low cost trips and holidays with other single parents.

Shop somewhere like Farmfoods for as much as you can & only use the big supermarkets for anything you can't get. They sell pizzas for £1.50, ideal for movie nights.

Use a slow cooker, turn it on in the morning & come home to a meal ready, just need to do rice, pasta or potatoes to go with it, if you have a large one you can freeze portions so you have meals for other days. Saves time & energy.

If you have time after shopping, peel & chop all your veg & freeze them, you can chop things like carrots in the food processor, makes cooking a meal faster & cheaper than buying pre chopped stuff.

All for blitzing the house when little one with their dad but I'm on year 4 of being on my own now and working full time. Allow yourself the days to do nothing if need it - I felt guilty at first thinking I need to get all cleaning and stuff done that one day. I don't. It's perfectly normal for a kid to see you have cleaning etc to do. And I need the rest. I don't do it every time I'm alone but sometimes I just do nothing for the day, and feel so much better for it!

I completely agree with this - you need time to yourself as well as time for chores.

Took the day off work today and was really struggling this morning. Climbed into bed with the electric blanket and a movie on just after lunch and little one is snoozing away next to me while I read my kindle. I got up and started cleaning/tidying but taking on board everyone's comments and just resting when I need to.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but this will be the beginning of a new chapter. You will have a brilliant life with your daughter and from my experience a very close relationship. Some practical things.

Work

Let work know your change in circumstances. Is there any opportunity that you could negotiate WFH, even 1 day a week, to make your life a bit easier.

Ensure you update your pension etc so that your ex partner doesn't inherit any payments. Update your next of kin etc.

Money

Use the online calculator on gov.uk to work out child maintenance. You will have a rough figure if you know his salary. This is the minimum figure you should receive.

Get a benefits check just in case you are entitled to any. Make sure the child benefit is going directly to your own account. You can change this easily online if it isn't.

Set up a savings account for your daughter. Use this to save any birthday money gifts (if you can). Try to regularly save into this for when she's older, even £20 a month will build up. Also ask grandparents for monetary gifts rather than lots of unnecessary items. Or for items that you need like clothing etc.

Day to day co-parenting

Try to keep it as amicable as possible. Do not be derogatory about your ex partner (in front of your child). You want them to have as healthy a relationship as possible. Vent on here or to your friends.

Use a parent plan template to keep you focussed on how you will co-parent. Try to arrange access etc between you rather than going down a legal route. www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/my-family-involved-private-law-proceedings/resources-help-you-make-arrangements-are-your-childs-best-interests/how-parenting-plan-can-help

Once living arrangements have been set up you can set up an online shared calendar to keep on top of where your daughter will be.

Do not try to do everything yourself. Ask for help (and use it) from friends and family. Could you set a routine so your daughter stays a night with their grandparent once a month? This would be really helpful for you and for her. Use that time to do something for yourself.

Personal

This is such a difficult time for you emotionally. Life hasn't turned out as you expected. It is really lonely. I kept notes on my phone about all the things that pissed me off about my ex partner and every time I had doubts I reread it. Note down everything you feel, everything he does. He sounds like he's in manipulation mode, so that list could be really helpful!

The Co-parenting Handbook by Karen someone is a helpful read. You can get them secondhand online.

Similar regarding prep- handwrite everything, passwords in one book with cash and essentials (blood types, passports, etc.) because power will go out and it will happen at the worst time. I keep a grab and go bag in case and we had to use it once but would've been a disaster hadn't had it. Better for us with me being single a single parent :-) never trusted his judgement and certainly not with parenting. Best

@TheMAFSfan I have just come across your post and I am in EXACTLY the same situation. How did you manage?? How are you now?? 🫶