Help with wording a message to father who refuses to share weekends

[Gioia1]

Excuse my jumbled words.

This is long. Thank you for reading.

Tl;dr Help with wording message to abusive ex who refuses to share weekends 50/50.

I share custody with my ex h. He is intransigent. He has accused me on several occasions of being a bad parent. This has prompted children protection services to investigate. Report is final and the findings are:
Father is controlling.
Is withholding permission for 4 year old to start school.
Due to his fixation on mother he is not focused on children. And he acknowledges that it is not in best interest of children
He needs to seek professional help to deal with divorce, let go of mother and accept the new situation.
Daughter must go to school albeit they can’t force father to sign school application form.
mother needs to go to family judge if father is still withholding consent.

For context we live in NL. I’m Brit/Italian. Children are same as me but also Dutch.
Father is Dutch
He was abusive in all senses except physically. He even tracked my car for 6months unbeknownst to me.

I have children
wk 1 Monday 6pm-Friday 9am
wk 2 Sunday 6pm-Friday 9am
wk 3. Monday 6pm-Sunday 6pm
wk 4. Wednesday 6pm-Friday 9am

In wk 4 father has children Sunday 6pm-Wednesday 6pm then Friday 9am-Monday 6pm which brings us back to week 1.

Schedule was drawn up in January 2023 by Rvkd(Dutch). I was 1month pp with my youngest child so wasn’t working.

Started work in March 2023 and at the time youngest was only 4hours twice a week with father. When he reached 1.5years and was less dependent on breast milk I asked father to take him same time as older daughter but he refused.

I was firm and said either he took them both or he didn’t as the sibling separation was getting to my daughter. That forced a change so since July both children follow same schedule.

I work in schools. 2days. If daughter is not in school in November I no longer have childcare as the government stop paying childcare fees once child is 4years because they expect child to be at school although official school age is 5years.

I have no family here.
In his time father takes children and drives them to his parents an hour from his house so he actually doesn’t do the day to day care for children. My daughter goes on about how Oma or Opa did this and that. Not Papa.

I have tried 3 times to reason with him about changing schedule so we both have equal weekends and share they week days so drop off and pick up is done at school(for daughter)and Childminder’s (for2 year old son)

Those of you who’ve dealt with a controlling, unreasonable and inflexible ex, please help me word a message to the effect that in wk 4 I will be keeping the children to even out the weekends and that I will drop them off on Wednesday 8:30am as that would be school time and I expect them back following Monday at 8:30am.

I am waiting for a court date but could take another 4months.

I only communicate via emails with father as he stalks me and anyone in contact with me. He stalked my maternity nurse( child birth works differently in NL)on linked and sent her long message with all sorts of accusations. This is after she already refused to give him her mobile phone and directed him to the company instead of he had questions. I had no connection with her whatsoever. She was just someone from a maternity company.

Thanks

I really can't help but don't want your post to disappear from active where you would hopefully get more replies.. so giving it a bump

I can’t help either, so I’m bumping, too

I think however you word it he will kick off so I'd just do it as factually as you can

Sorry I don't know why that underlined

It's difficult for us to advise; I live in England and understand how the law works here, but not in the Netherlands. In England, you are usually expected to attend family mediation before going to court, although there are some exemptions if there has been domestic abuse. Is family mediation a thing in NL? If so would he attend or just refuse?

I don't think there is anything you can say to reason with him; he is by definition unreasonable. So you'll just have to wait for the court date. In England, if the existing contact arrangement is not court ordered, you don't have to stick to it, and if it is court ordered, you would need to seek legal advice before going against it. So if the existing arrangement is not legally binding you might be able to just refuse to hand the children over, but of course he could do that too, next time he has them.

Can you apply for an emergency court date as your child risks losing the school place if she doesn't attend? Or can you send her and to hell with him? He cant stop her from having an education legally surely?

Thank you all. I agree that however I word it he will kick off and say I’m alienating him from my children.

Yes I know the law very well in England. It’s not too different here. When the Rvkd(carfcass)investigated,they concluded that mediation would be redundant. I specifically stated that I wouldn’t engage in mediation and here it is not obligatory. I will not seat with my abuser.
The only element mandatory by law is to have a parenting plan that must include:

Contact schedule
Who the resident parent is
How much child maintenance
What form and how often parents communicate about children.
All the above we already have.

Anything else is not.

He’s been insisting that we add that we wouldn’t move more than 50km away from each other. He also want to mediate.

I know he’s not interested in resolution. He just wants to be in the same space as l. So him withholding consent is a way to force me to do as he says which the Rdvk picked up on.

What makes the situation particularly difficult is that I live in a village in a province that has its own language apart from Dutch. Far from the big cities. And the only relative I have here is a male cousin that lives at the border of Germany two hours away.

Thanks for bumping. I plan on sending the message on the Thursday of wk which is the 31st. I’ll be sure to update this thread.

The school will not accept the application. It is a bone of contention in the NL. There family lawyers who specialize only in helping parents seeking permission from family courts because other parents refuses to sign consent form to travel, renew passports or I D cards, moving house and for choice of school

In England it's possible to do "shuttle mediation" whereby each person talks to the mediator separately; it can also be done be video call so in theory you could each be in your own homes so never in the same physical location and never have to talk directly to each other either, if you have separate video calls with the mediator. However, if CAFCASS equivalent said no need for mediation then you can of course refuse. I would have thought it's your only hope of changing the arrangement before the court date, but if you feel it would be pointless, then you'll just have to wait.

If the custody schedule is laid out in a court / formal document, why do you think you can simply decide to change it unilaterally? Not a lawyer, and not familiar with NL system, but it doesn’t seem like this would play well in court for you.

When CAFCASS asked me why I didn’t stick to the schedule for my younger child, I explained to them my reasons and they were fine with it. They actually had to tell the man(that’s what they told me on the phone) that they’ve encouraged him to be flexible and that if he or I have to have the children longer because of illness or something else that it wasn’t a big deal.

It is really hard for me to accept that a grown adult had to be told that they need be flexible for his children’s sake.

I am exhausted.

I need to work and am going try and change the schedule. I will wait for the school as my hands are tied. Having said that a social worker suggested I take the report from CAFCASS along side a school application and see if they would enroll my daughter on the days I have her.

It’s a catch 22 for me in that childcare support stops at 4years but compulsory schooling is from 5 and childcare in NL if not subsidized is price prohibitive for many just like in UK

Heavens give me strength.

When is she due to start school? Was it supposed to be this September or is it September 2025?

3years 10 months-reception not compulsory
1st day of 1st month after your 5 -Year 1 compulsory school starts.

There is no September start. You are either an early learner (October-december)or late learner(Jan-March)So reception and year 1 children are grouped together.

in my daughter’s case she’s an early learner and should start a day after 4th birthday.

So she's already 4 and should have started this month?

Don’t people just send off forms and say father isn’t in the picture? There must be single parents.

@fashionqueen0123 there are single parents who have sole parental responsibility and there are those who share parental responsibility.

I am in the latter.

And no. The schools will not accept the application.
It is a big deal here.

@AnotherEmma she’s 4 in the middle of November.

So by law she can start school but it’s not a must. That’s what he’s using to block consent. But he knows once it goes to court he will lose as the government force you to put your child in school at 4 by no longer paying childcare fees.

so to recap: 3.10 years ‘je mag naar school’
5 years ‘je moet naar school’

you can vs you must.

When do you lose your help with childcare fees, exactly? Is it as soon as she turns 4, or do you get a grace period eg until Christmas?

If your hearing about school isn't for another 4 months that must be so frustrating for you. I assume you've tried to find a way to bring it forward.

@AnotherEmma you get to use up your childcare hours till the end of that year. So you get 230hrs per child subsidized per month. On 14 November she’s 4 so I have just over a month’s grace technically as I only ever use less than 100 per month.

We don’t even have a date. It is such a common occurrence here. I just didn’t appreciate fully how manipulative and controlling father is.

That he would stoop this low whilst acknowledging that it’s a disservice to his own daughter.

it’s not just about school. With equal weekends I get spend quality time with my children. In the week they see their Childminder more than they see me because I only ever have 3/4 work days bar 1weekend per 4weeks

I meant we don’t even have a court date yet. My lawyer told me literally that there is a long queue for the same type of cases

Im going to write him a matter of fact message without explaining why it is reasonable to share the weekends equally. I am no longer the recipient of his internal and external chaos.

Do you have any relationship with his parents? They sound like they are very kind to your children. Could you write to them to say that he is withholding consent for his daughter to start school. Would they be prepared to look after them so you can work. Or would that massively play into his hands?

What happens in the event that you become unemployed and cannot financially support your children? They become resident with him 100% of the time or he has to provide you with more child support as costs are driven by his decision?

In your shoes, I would check your legal options carefully. It may be better to talk it through with your employer setting out when a court date will be set and seeing if they can find a way to let you work more flexibly - one week on [when the kids are with him] and one week off [with you] so you don't need to pay for childcare until you have a court date and can enforce it.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams what seems to as kindness is in reality behavior of enabling parents who never sought help for their son as a child with ADHD, created soft landing grounds for him whenever he was about to fall and happily indulge him in being an uninvolved parent to his own children. So no they’re not being kind to their grandchildren or son for that matter. They live an hour from our area so on pick up days grandfather travels an hour to meet my ex at work when he’s picked up from my home. Sometimes children only see their father on Friday mornings and Sunday or Monday evening when he has to drop them off at mine. That’s not kindness. That’s neglect by proxy.

And no, barely 2 and 4 are too young for one week on one week off. That works better for teenagers.

I don’t run the risk of loosing my job. I’m a teacher . I only work 2,5 days. I’m not dependent on him financially. And were I to loose my job it’s 70% paid till I get a new one.

You really can’t be poor in NL. The social security is pretty good.

I am fighting for my children’s place in this world. He abused me, I survived so I will not let him deny them their world.

That schedule is completely baffling, why is it so complicated? If this bizarre schedule has been set by the courts I think you need to go back to court if you want it altered tbh.

My moneys on the grandparents too. Tell them he is not allowing their grandchild to go to school, meet little friends, play with them not to mention get an education.

Ask what they think. As they will have your child a lot ask them what their own plans are for her education. What school books they will use. How will they know the curriculum they should follow. If they think that the child will be happy with no education or friends?

Surely they must think it's weird. Unless of course they homeschooled...

It seems so backwards for a progressive country.

Here you just fill out a form saying which school you want!