Help with wording a message to father who refuses to share weekends

[Gioia1]

Excuse my jumbled words.

This is long. Thank you for reading.

Tl;dr Help with wording message to abusive ex who refuses to share weekends 50/50.

I share custody with my ex h. He is intransigent. He has accused me on several occasions of being a bad parent. This has prompted children protection services to investigate. Report is final and the findings are:
Father is controlling.
Is withholding permission for 4 year old to start school.
Due to his fixation on mother he is not focused on children. And he acknowledges that it is not in best interest of children
He needs to seek professional help to deal with divorce, let go of mother and accept the new situation.
Daughter must go to school albeit they can’t force father to sign school application form.
mother needs to go to family judge if father is still withholding consent.

For context we live in NL. I’m Brit/Italian. Children are same as me but also Dutch.
Father is Dutch
He was abusive in all senses except physically. He even tracked my car for 6months unbeknownst to me.

I have children
wk 1 Monday 6pm-Friday 9am
wk 2 Sunday 6pm-Friday 9am
wk 3. Monday 6pm-Sunday 6pm
wk 4. Wednesday 6pm-Friday 9am

In wk 4 father has children Sunday 6pm-Wednesday 6pm then Friday 9am-Monday 6pm which brings us back to week 1.

Schedule was drawn up in January 2023 by Rvkd(Dutch). I was 1month pp with my youngest child so wasn’t working.

Started work in March 2023 and at the time youngest was only 4hours twice a week with father. When he reached 1.5years and was less dependent on breast milk I asked father to take him same time as older daughter but he refused.

I was firm and said either he took them both or he didn’t as the sibling separation was getting to my daughter. That forced a change so since July both children follow same schedule.

I work in schools. 2days. If daughter is not in school in November I no longer have childcare as the government stop paying childcare fees once child is 4years because they expect child to be at school although official school age is 5years.

I have no family here.
In his time father takes children and drives them to his parents an hour from his house so he actually doesn’t do the day to day care for children. My daughter goes on about how Oma or Opa did this and that. Not Papa.

I have tried 3 times to reason with him about changing schedule so we both have equal weekends and share they week days so drop off and pick up is done at school(for daughter)and Childminder’s (for2 year old son)

Those of you who’ve dealt with a controlling, unreasonable and inflexible ex, please help me word a message to the effect that in wk 4 I will be keeping the children to even out the weekends and that I will drop them off on Wednesday 8:30am as that would be school time and I expect them back following Monday at 8:30am.

I am waiting for a court date but could take another 4months.

I only communicate via emails with father as he stalks me and anyone in contact with me. He stalked my maternity nurse( child birth works differently in NL)on linked and sent her long message with all sorts of accusations. This is after she already refused to give him her mobile phone and directed him to the company instead of he had questions. I had no connection with her whatsoever. She was just someone from a maternity company.

Thanks

What language will the children be schooled in, Dutch or Fries? What languages do you speak at home? Could you get some leverage there to insist that she starts school because of a language barrier?

Here you just fill out a form saying which school you want!

Even here another party with PR can cause trouble with school places if they object or try and apply to a different school.

My ex tried it after being given "advice" from a father's support group in a bid to get the children (who he saw once every two months) into a high school near him.

Luckily for me his decision not to turn up when they were registered years earlier scuppered him.

No language delay and even so early schooling is offered at 2,5 which parents can reject. He would have rejected it. So we’d still be in same situation only then we’d have been married and wouldn’t have been able to take him to court.

I feel confident with tweaking the schedule as CAFCASS get the complete picture of the situ. For the school I need a miracle by the December

Hi,
If anyone is still watching this thread:

Thank you.

So the man signed the school form but insisted she starts in January. I guess he doesn’t want the report to go to court. It’s really scathing.

I took the form with the report and handed to the school asking them to allow her to start in November. They called him and I guess persuaded him that it was in her best interest to start in the month she turns 4. He agreed, but then sent me messages about not agreeing to change the schedule to suit the new school time table.

On top of that he’s now refused to sign for the renewal of ID card for my daughter and a new one for my son.
His condition is that I first sign an agreement stating I won’t move out of the area before he will agree to sign to let them have an ID.

Of course I won’t be signing such nonsense.

I have now asked him to no longer come to my house to pick up children. I am genuinely scared of what he could do. His control tactics are escalating.
I am legally required to have a form of ID for my children. He knows that yet blocks the process.
Pick-up and drop-off is now to be in front of primary school as there a supermarket opposite hence very public place.
I have reverted back to only communicating via email and not by text anymore.

I also emailed him and said that if he didn’t show up for pick-up on the first Wednesday of school. I will pick up but then keep children till matter is resolved in family court.
I will also put in a claim for extra childcare charges incurred.
It will also mean that I will have to stop working as I won’t be able to do the childcare and work. I am physically not able to be in two places at once.
The other alternative is to find a Childminder in the same village as the school but there’s a shortage and on Thursdays I’m at Uni finishing my degree till about 8pm with 1,5h commute by car.

School starts 11/11. I am really excited for my daughter.

Have you spoken to anyone at the gemeente about the ID cards yet?
That's insane.
Although with your daughter just starting school you won't be moving out of the area anyway.

It’s their Italian carta d’identità. I have their UK passport while he holds their Dutch ones.

The gemeente has no say not even the Italian Consolato.

I will move eventually but atm we’re here.

Are you in the NL as well?

Yes, I'm in Limburg.

I see. Hence the use of the word ‘gemeente’

Thanks for your input.

Update

court was yesterday. Less than an hour. The judge was furious at him for blocking my dd schooling. She actually told him that he’s trying to dictate my life to the detriment of my children’s.

He said: so we’re doing everything the woman (I being the woman) says…

just can’t accept that he is abusive.

Judge said she can’t force me to enter into mediation with him and that pick up should be in public like I asked for. No ifs no buts.

so he does pickup Wednesday 6pm to Monday drop off at school on an uneven week and on an even week, I do Monday pickup from school to Wednesday 6pm + Friday 6pm to Wednesday 6pm.

I feel relieved.

Took my daughter to school today for the first time. She was so thrilled.

I now fully accept that I lived with a controlling self centered individual. I feel free.

thanks for reading.

Great update OP, I'm happy for you and your DD. Must have been a relief that the judge saw him for who he is. Well done for staying strong.