A little advice on a new 'realtionship'

[namechangeling]

I have changed my name for this as it is all still fairly new.

A little background info. I'm a youngish single mum of two dds, have been single since the day dd2 was born just over 6 years ago. Although I did have one rather strange bf for six or so months a couple of years ago, I have been alone ever since.

Roll on to the present.

So, a few weeks ago I went back home for a visit and was introduced to an old family friend at a drinks party. I have been away for some years and had not met him properly in any social sense before. He was highly recommended and I was given a short run-down of his history. He is a couple of years older than me, no children, but a wife from whom he is separated - but not divorced. We hit it off immediately, and got raucously drunk together by the end of the evening we were rolling around in bed. I had to return the next day, but since my return we have kept in regular contact on the phone, and the internet.

So my niggling worries are several, the first most 'basic' is the way we got together. I have never slept with a stranger before, and although it didn't feel 'dirty', I am quite unsettled by the fact that I did it. Not as much though, as having slept with a married man. I know they are separated, but they are not divorced, and worse - he still wears his ring, which makes me think that he must feel some sort of emotional commitment to this marriage. Furthermore, I have since discovered from family that he isn't separated because they were incompatible, but because circumstances prevent them from being together.

Now before I even get into the 'I can't remember how to date' (which I can't!), I feel I need to talk about these first niggles. I would usually discus this with my friends, but I don't feel comfortable with discussing it yet. I really need to know what to do from here. I like him, but obviously don't know him well enough to know if I like him enough to be worrying about this. Nor am I sure that there is anything to be worried about here, or if it is just nerves, so to speak.

[Swedes]

I think you should be wary. Circumstances prevent him being with his wife? Whilst I'm sympathetic to someone not completing their divorce paperwork but doing the actual work of moving on, I'm suspicious of people wanting to appear married whilst behaving as though they are not married. It's potentially full of pain for you.

[Pinkchampagne]

You need to maybe find out a little more info about this guy.

I wouldn't be too bothered about the fact he is not yet divorced. My boyfriend has been separated from his wife for 2 years & isn't yet divorced, but that doesn't concern me in the slightest. I would be a little more concerned as to why this guy is still wearing his wedding ring though.
How long has he been separated?

[goingbonkers]

Bumping for you. Don't really know what to suggest. But will try.....

I wouldn't worry so much about sleeping with him after just meeting, or the fact that he's married/separated. You haven't done anything wrong.

I would maybe keep up the contact if you like him, and get to know him better in terms of friendship, and when it gets to a point where you feel you could ask him about his separation then go for it! If he gets all funny about it/ has a go at you etc he's probably worth avoiding but there may well be an explanation that's perfectly reasonable.

Try to just enjoy getting to know him a bit, don't look for problems that aren't there, but equally,if there are issues, don't ignore them.

If he's the right guy, it will all come right in the end!

(Sorry, I sound a bit agony auntish)!

Hope you find your answer from someone that knows what they're talking about more than I do!!!! Good luck x

[namechangeling]

I've not felt it right to pry into the ins and outs of their break up - and how he feels about it as I feel it is too early. I do understand that it has been quite sometime. Also, his Facebook profile lists him as 'single' - although that doesn't count for a great deal - it does suggest that he is openly and definitely separated. But, still he wears his ring. I like the suggestion that we get to know each other as friends, and then step up - this is the usual process, but that I have already slept with him complicates that plan slightly.

[namechangeling]

I did ask him to confirm he is definitely separated before we slept together. His answer wasn't exactly defensive, nor was he very explicit, but echoed what I was told later about their not being able to be together. Also, his voice portrayed some hurt emotion - I wasn't sure if it is because their break still hurts, or if he was upset with the implication that he may be being unfaithful. ...Come to think of it I think this is the root of my worry. I guess I am just going to have to find the right moment to have this discussion with him properly.

[Pinkchampagne]

Sounds like he may not be fully over the break up. Still wearing the ring after a separation is a bit strange. My ex H did ths for a while, and I think it took him a while to accept it was really the end. He has removed it now though.

Take things very slowly with this guy, and be prepared for him to maybe not be ready to get emotionally involved just yet. Getting to know each other as friends first, is a good idea.

[ChocolateRockingHorse]

I think you need him to to confirm how separated he is.. ie what the circumstances (those that "prevent him and his wife being together") are. I don't think that is unreasonable if it seems as though two of you are both wanted to proceed with the relationship.

If there is any doubt about this "breakup" I would run for the hills. You really don't want to be anybody's other woman. It's a bad situation all round.

I am trying to think what "circumstances" could prevent them from being together..??! It implies they do actually want to be.. (red flag!) and what would be stopping them then??! I think this is your business, even at this stage, so you can call a halt if necessary, before you get further in. If he's defensive then you ask, then well that's another very red flag really.

[namechangeling]

I think you are right Pinkchampagne, thank you.