Helping jealous child with feelings about my boyfriend

[Hawthorny]

Ds is 12, in split from father 8 years ago and haven't dated until this year.

I met a man and have fallen in love. He has met ds 3 months ago when I introduced him as a friend and ds liked him. He's met with him as my friend several times, but more recently I told ds he was my boyfriend now and since then ds doesn't like him any more.
(Obviously he was already my boyfriend when he was introduced as a friend)

I've had several talks with ds about it, he is quite articulate and has been able to tell me that he feels jealous and he just doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. He is afraid of losing my attention and having to share me.

It may be relevant that his father was abusive and very jealous and ds has certainly been exposed to this because father continues his jealous behaviour even to this day when he has court ordered contact.

How can I help ds to manage these feelings? I have no intention of staying single forever and enabling ds to be possessive over me and then probably over any future girlfriends, but I do want to be kind and sensitive about how I go about helping him.

I think you need to take a step back and look at your own reaction to your child’s feelings. You seem to be projecting his father’s jealous, controlling ways onto him. You say you don’t want him to turn out like his father. You say you don’t want to be controlled by him.

Jealousy is a secondary emotion. Like you say, underneath it he’s just scared. And for good reason - he already has one parent (his father) who is not there for him. He’s scared that you will leave him, too.

Look past the jealousy and hold the fear gently. Reassure him that he’s really important to you and you’re not going anywhere. But also this needs to be backed up by actions. You have to prioritise his needs over the boyfriend’s. He needs to feel like he comes first with you. He’s just a kid! He needs you.

Once you ds realises it’s not effecting your love and time for him he will be ok.
please ignore the celibacy police on here that will tell you not to date until your kids are married - that is absolute nonsense . Part of raising your son is for him to accept you Are a person too and you have a life outside of being a mum. Otherwise you telling him it’s ok to be controlling of women and it’s not. Just take it slow and continue to give him lots of love and attention, and let him know his feelings are ok - but you have feelings and you need to be happy to, and it’s ok to say this.

Agree with pp. Take things slow, let your DS know he is your number one priority and nothing in his life has to change just because you have a boyfriend now. Explain that he doesn't have to spend time with your boyfriend if he doesn't want to, but you are still going to see him. Give him lots of reassurance and attention but maintain your boundaries - i.e. you don't have to see him or like him, but you can't try to stop me doing so.

In a year or so, your DS will probably be a lot more interested in his own social life and won't mind so much. Plus he'll have seen over time that you having a boyfriend isn't a threat to your relationship with your son. It will all work out, OP, with time and patience.