Helping jealous child with feelings about my boyfriend

[Hawthorny]

Ds is 12, in split from father 8 years ago and haven't dated until this year.

I met a man and have fallen in love. He has met ds 3 months ago when I introduced him as a friend and ds liked him. He's met with him as my friend several times, but more recently I told ds he was my boyfriend now and since then ds doesn't like him any more.
(Obviously he was already my boyfriend when he was introduced as a friend)

I've had several talks with ds about it, he is quite articulate and has been able to tell me that he feels jealous and he just doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. He is afraid of losing my attention and having to share me.

It may be relevant that his father was abusive and very jealous and ds has certainly been exposed to this because father continues his jealous behaviour even to this day when he has court ordered contact.

How can I help ds to manage these feelings? I have no intention of staying single forever and enabling ds to be possessive over me and then probably over any future girlfriends, but I do want to be kind and sensitive about how I go about helping him.

He is scared yes.

Prioritise your child please

This is very much of a case of having your cake and eating it. You can't. You can't prioritse your own happiness that you feel you deserve, at the same time as prioritising his feelings of safety in his own home, given the history he has had in his short life.

I understand, I really do as I've been in a similar situation, but if you're looking for advice mine would be to keep your love life, and his life very seperate. He doesn't want a new friend who's a grown man. He doesn't care about your romantic life, and neither should he have to. Unfortunately you're in a tight spot, but you're the adult, and that means that sometimes you need to do the hard work so your child doesn't have to.

But she is prioritising him, looking after his feelings now but also ensuring he develops into an emotionally healthy man…the two are not mutually exclusive, exactly the opposite in fact!

Op, keep it seperate as much as possible. Tell and show your son he is your priority. Your bf comes second But you can have a new love.

Make clear statements to your ds-
Son, I love you more than anything and we will always be a team. I will always have your back. When i am with bf, if you need me, I'll be there. I will not ever shut you out.

Ask how he is feeling and do not counter those feelings with 'yes but' statements. Rather use 'Ihear that, what will help you feel ok? He may say leave him to which i would say - if i thought that was the best idea i would but I know I'd be sad about it, and I would like to keep bf in my life even as a friend. It's ok to have people in our lives and still love eachother just the same.. maybe even more.

Plan good times with your son, overcompensate if needs be. Weekends, and holidays are his time.

When he consistently hears and experiences you being able to love him as always and being happy doing so he will hopefully feel more settled

If he doesn't... chose him (i have a feeling you would if needs be)

You aren't sorry at all, are you? You have been harsh. Nothing constructive to say to the OP

That is exactly what I had just come back on to post @Tatiepot having thought about it.

How would it be prioritising my son if my reaction to his feelings was to completely remove the source and leave them unaddressed to then just resurface later on?

I wouldn't do that about other things in life, about which it is natural to feel scared or ambivalent but which cannot be avoided in life. I believe my job as a parent it to help him navigate tricky things, not lift him up and run in the other direction.

I lifted him and ran from his father. In that situation that was right.

But last year he had a period of finding school really really hard and I helped him to navigate it, because that was something that could not be avoided.

Sharing people you love, and recognising that they are people with valid feelings too is not something that can or should be avoided.

@MyNewNewlife that is good helpful practical advice. Thank you

@Hawthorny I think your instincts about your son's (potential) desire to control you are absolutely right, especially given what you say about your ex.

You absolutely have the right to a love life. Telling you to wait for years is both unfair, and also gives too much power to your son to control your life.

There are always going to be things that as a parent you do, that he will not like, and he will have to accept. I suppose it's how you proceed from here that is the key thing.

You know that your son like this man, which is a hugely positive start. So I'd keep talking to him about his feelings, and reassuring him that nothing will change in terms of your love for him. And demonstrate that to him. But also you need to make sure that he suddenly doesn't lose out in terms of your attention. Which will be a difficult balance to strike!

But going slowly, as you're doing, sounds absolutely the right way to proceed.

Thank you @BIWI

Perhaps love, reassurance and time are the simple answers. Patience is a virtue (for me)

I would keep this entirely separate for a long time. It’s way too early to even introduce him as a friend imo. This is extremely early days with this guy.

You know - I introduced him as a friend earlier than many on mn approve of - precisely because if he and ds had completely rubbed each other up the wrong way I would not have continued with it.

But they got in really well and ds told me enthusiastically how much he liked him and wanted me to ask him over again several times. Last time he was here they cooked together and had a lovely time.

It is literally only that I have told ds now that he has become something more (obviously he was always something more but I didn't tell ds that at the time) that has caused a problem.

So the problem that ds is having is with his own feelings about me have a boyfriend - any boyfriend. Not this particular one. He even said to me last night that if I had to have a boyfriend he was glad it was this man, so I think he may be beginning to feel better about it, but I recognise that he is still struggling, and his feelings are valid and I want to help him to cope and navigate them, not ignore them.

Yes actually I do think a lot of child would be much better off if their parents didn't prioritise sex before their child's wellbeing.

There are so many examples of where blending doesn't work.

If you child is being this honest and articulate about how he feels LISTEN TO HIM.

Don't go, well I've listened now how can I force him to accept it anyway.

It's such a sensitive time.

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

Right, but he has been honest and what he has honestly told me is - I'm his mum, he doesn't want to share my attention, he doesn't want me to have anyone else significant in my life, he is jealous and he wants me all to himself.

I'm not in any way trying to force him to accept this man. I'm not moving him in. I haven't had him round since ds has begun to feel this way. I have backed right off.

But long term I do not think that it would be helpful to give him the message that he is allowed to have me all to himself and tell me he wants this and drive anyone else off from my life. How could that be healthy?

Then I suppose you up the attention you give him to make sure it's quality. Keep an eye on how much time you spend with him but also on your phone responding to texts even if they aren't from your bf. He is telling you he needs more attention so give it to him, when you are cooking get him in the kitchen with you instead of playing on a console or whatever he does, hell soon be begging for you to leave him alone.

Ha yes, that is good advice

I think some of the replies on here are unhelpful and unkind.
She has been single for years putting her son first and now quite rightly would like to persue a relationship without alienating her son. (Is asking for advice rather than ploughing on regardless).

I haven't been in your position but I have been in your sons.
What I would do (only my opinion) is try to keep the two lives fairly separate, does your son see his dad? If so could you see your new man at these times?
Speak to your son about maybe having him over say one evening a week to play video games, football or whatever but that's it for now, just one day a week. See how that goes for a while before gradually adding more. Go very slowly, keep talking to your son and always (as I'm sure you will) listen to him but you are right, he doesn't get to keep you all to himself forever as that's no good for either of you.
It's a big adjustment for him after so long of just you and him and I'm sure it will just take some time for him to settle.

There are a lot of films and tv programmes where step parents turn out to be a nightmare. (I know you’re not marrying him but stay with me) so I understand why ds would prefer that you don’t date so he’s not forced to live with the risk of his life changing for the worse.

I would tell ds that you won’t stop dating but you promise not to bring bf home, hang out with ds and you won’t have further babies (if you can promise this) Presumably you don’t mess with his friends so he can’t mess with yours.

Ds needs reassurance that the boyfriend means that you aren’t going to stop being there for him.He’s 12 so probably doesn’t say it but he loves you and needs you and is scared. When things settle and he can see that you dating doesn’t affect his life (or he wants to date ), he will hopefully be reassured.

What is your boyfriend like to your son?

I remember when my parents split up.

My had got a new girlfriend and I really didn't like her.

I thought "oh maybe that's just naturally how ill feel, I'll feel bad that she is replacing my mother".

I never liked being around her.

Then my dad broke up with her and got with a new girlfriend. I wasn't a bit jealous of this second girlfriend, as she was so lovely, kind and caring to me.

She was really nice and motherly to me . And I got on great with her

I realised that his first girlfriend had been really cold and uncaring to me.

It's a two way street. Your boyfriend needs to build a relationship with your son

I actually think you should be really clear that, even though he is jealous, he doesn’t get any say over your romantic life. Continue to prioritise him as your son but make it clear that your romantic life is yours. If you let him control that part of you you’ll be setting him up for a lifetime of feeling like he can control women. You are the adult, he is the child. Most sons don’t like having to share their mothers with another man, it’s just how they are.

Children are also repulsed by the very idea of their parents having a sex life, that doesn’t mean you should stop having one!

I think it's more that it's very hard for children to adjust to such a serious change.

As a child, you have your mum and dad.

All of a sudden, you have a complete adult stranger around all the time that you have to get to know.

Children often act up at the start of this, because they are scared. It takes time to get to know someone.

I'm four years on from you op. My ds is16 and I'm glad I've kept the two parts of my life separate It has made ds' childhood much more enjoyable and secure.

I'll wait another two years before doing anything drastic. Once he goes to university, we'll think again.

I think adults (not just the OP) tend to think of themselves in these scenarios, and don't think of how the child feels much.

I was just reading a book about Kurt cobain.

He said that when his dad met a new woman, kurt was totally pushed out, and his dad ignored him.

He said he felt scared terrified and alone. And became really depressed in life. And it affected his whole life.

His dad was interviewed later, and he said that he did choose his new girlfriend over just, as he was afraid that the new girlfriend would leave him