Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Helping jealous child with feelings about my boyfriend

53 replies

Hawthorny · 10/09/2024 21:13

Ds is 12, in split from father 8 years ago and haven't dated until this year.

I met a man and have fallen in love. He has met ds 3 months ago when I introduced him as a friend and ds liked him. He's met with him as my friend several times, but more recently I told ds he was my boyfriend now and since then ds doesn't like him any more.
(Obviously he was already my boyfriend when he was introduced as a friend)

I've had several talks with ds about it, he is quite articulate and has been able to tell me that he feels jealous and he just doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. He is afraid of losing my attention and having to share me.

It may be relevant that his father was abusive and very jealous and ds has certainly been exposed to this because father continues his jealous behaviour even to this day when he has court ordered contact.

How can I help ds to manage these feelings? I have no intention of staying single forever and enabling ds to be possessive over me and then probably over any future girlfriends, but I do want to be kind and sensitive about how I go about helping him.

OP posts:
ChocolateTea · 10/09/2024 21:16

Keep things very separate for the time being. As you’ve been with him being friends. Occasional outings, dinner. No pda, no sleepovers, let him see there is no threat. There’s no rush if you’ve only been seeing the guy less than 9 months. Your ds has only ever known you, his feelings are natural.

Candaceowens · 10/09/2024 21:18

You need to prioritise him.

HerewegoagainSS · 10/09/2024 21:19

You keep the two worlds firmly separate.

Lincoln24 · 10/09/2024 21:23

I think it's really good that he's able to tell you how he feels. Keep talking and reassuring him. Don't rush things, maybe just have your bf over for a meal once a week to begin with, then build up as and when he feels more comfortable.

I'm not sure I agree with pp that you have to act as if he doesn't exist and ensure they are kept entirely separate. That doesn't seem healthy to me. Your son's feelings are valid but equally he needs to work through them so you're not in a position where he holds total control over your relationships - that's not something you want him to take into his adult relationships with women, if nothing else.

LittleSeasideCottage · 10/09/2024 21:24

If you want it to work, take it very slowly. Don't get in a rush to move in together. Build a foundation that your DS can become comfortable with. You don't have to be single all your life but you do need to go at a pace that works for everyone.

Let the dust settle whilst your DS adjusts to the situation.

Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:10

So it's just about time? That's ok - I'm in no rush. I don't want him to move in or even to come for sleepovers. Definitely not there yet for ds, I absolutely know this. Or even for me. I am being very very cautious.

I just want ds to get back to liking him for himself, because he is a really nice guy, and not hating him purely for being my boyfriend.

It is particularly tricky for me because ds dad is rarely in the picture (he often doesn't bother with the contact) and even when he is ds does not have overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:11

So even when keeping things separate ds is still aware that I am seeing him when I go out to do so.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 11/09/2024 07:18

12 is such a delicate age particularly for boys even in a household where everyone is biologically related the competition and testosterone can cause them to butt heads with other males in the home.

I'd leave it a couple of years, once he is 16 and got some independence and a partner of his own he won't care if you have a boyfriend but right now, when he is heading into puberty I wouldn't be introducing a new partner whether I thought they were nice or not. DS has to come first and you don't have that many years until he is less reliant on you emotionally.

Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:21

Prioritising helping him with his feelings is one thing, but giving up the man who I now love and waiting 2 years is quite another.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:21

Or waiting 4 years. Blinking hell. I am a human and I deserve to be happy too here.

OP posts:
Talulahalula · 11/09/2024 07:32

Oh I get this.
i have been single for eleven years and prioritised DC who are 99% of the time with me, and I have no idea where I would even start with dating. And I certainly cannot imagine how it would work out with another person coming into the home, even now and then. But these things have to be worked out if you don’t want to stay single for ever. Just worked out carefully and slowly, which it sounds like you are.
So first of all, I think you can be happy that you have met someone nice and also be cautious about introducing him to your son’s life.
Have you asked your son what would make him happier about your boyfriend being there? Your DS is only twelve. Are there any activities where he would be happy for your boyfriend to join, like bowling or something like that? Where it is more about what your DS wants to do and having fun together? I think that is probably what I would do but not rush things. Your DS feeling happy at home is of course the most important but if he did like your boyfriend before, then maybe he would come back around to that point if they did some fun things together now and then, no pressure.

Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:35

That's a good idea. I will think about it.

Yes - since he liked him, genuinely really liked him, before he knew he was something more to me, I don't feel it would be at all healthy or appropriate to stop seeing this man purely because ds wants me all to himself. I don't feel it would be healthy for ds. I don't want him to grow up thinking he can control women around him.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 11/09/2024 07:52

Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:35

That's a good idea. I will think about it.

Yes - since he liked him, genuinely really liked him, before he knew he was something more to me, I don't feel it would be at all healthy or appropriate to stop seeing this man purely because ds wants me all to himself. I don't feel it would be healthy for ds. I don't want him to grow up thinking he can control women around him.

Exactly that. He needs to remember that you are a human too and a mother and child relationship cannot fulfil all your needs. You've not jumped into anything after his DF. I'd continue on as normal - I wouldn't force them to interact but I would be mentioning him as he needs to get used to it.

RedToothBrush · 11/09/2024 07:56

Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:21

Or waiting 4 years. Blinking hell. I am a human and I deserve to be happy too here.

So is your son. 4 years is nothing.

wp65 · 11/09/2024 07:57

Candaceowens · 10/09/2024 21:18

You need to prioritise him.

She's been single for nearly 8 years! She's entitled to have a love life. It's not as if she's moving the bloke in.

Talulahalula · 11/09/2024 08:06

Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:35

That's a good idea. I will think about it.

Yes - since he liked him, genuinely really liked him, before he knew he was something more to me, I don't feel it would be at all healthy or appropriate to stop seeing this man purely because ds wants me all to himself. I don't feel it would be healthy for ds. I don't want him to grow up thinking he can control women around him.

Well, I think that is correct.
It is about balance and it sounds like you are mindful of that.
The thing is, your DS will become more independent in the next few years and start going out more himself with his friends and having his own life, and you will support that and still be there for him.

Regarding the waiting until your DS is sixteen, what magically changes then? DC growing up is a gradual process, getting used to new things. When the DS is sixteen, he will be going into exam years and so on, so why not wait until he has left home and started university? What if he still lives at home and objects? I do think there is some importance in seeing how healthy adult relationships work, seeing how it is possible to go slowly and gently and be respected. I don’t think there is anything wrong with OP and her boyfriend being part of DS’s life, slowly and gently and taking his feelings into account and what he is comfortable with in terms of the boyfriend being there or doing activities. If the boyfriend doesn’t get this, or rides roughshod over DS trying to be the man, then bin him off, but that is not where the OP is in the situation.

Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 08:10

So is your son. 4 years is nothing.

Wow. Do you seriously think I should stay single for another 4 years, and dump my boyfriend, because my son has told me he is jealous of me having a boyfriend - any boyfriend? What message would that send to my son? I have been on here for a long time and generally respect your posts, like a lot, so I am really shocked that you think this.

My son has one man in his life who is a controlling shit, and I don't want him to turn into that. For him i don't want that, and for any future partner I don't.

OP posts:
Lincoln24 · 11/09/2024 08:18

Singleandproud · 11/09/2024 07:18

12 is such a delicate age particularly for boys even in a household where everyone is biologically related the competition and testosterone can cause them to butt heads with other males in the home.

I'd leave it a couple of years, once he is 16 and got some independence and a partner of his own he won't care if you have a boyfriend but right now, when he is heading into puberty I wouldn't be introducing a new partner whether I thought they were nice or not. DS has to come first and you don't have that many years until he is less reliant on you emotionally.

Edited

16 isn't "a couple of years" away and there is absolutely no guarantee he will have matured by then, some 16 year olds are more hormonal at that point than they are at 12. I don't think this is the way forward.

Tatiepot · 11/09/2024 08:41

As it’s the switch of title from friend to boyfriend that has unsettled DS, and he has explained he feels jealous (a horrible feeling for him), would it be possible for your BF to talk to DS about this? And say look DS I love your mum she is very special but I’m not going to take her away, and I know she won’t ever love me like she loves you and that’s as it should be.

And then just continue going super gently as you are? I’m in the same situation with the jealous abusive ex…who very clearly showed DS that he was jealous of my love for him and our relationship, so is it possible your DS’ worst and unspoken (unrealised?) fear is that the same will happen but it might be him that will have to leave this time…I know that’s something my DS worried about aged six 😢, that i could make him leave if I didn’t like his behaviour?

Itsjustmeheretoday · 11/09/2024 08:42

Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 07:21

Prioritising helping him with his feelings is one thing, but giving up the man who I now love and waiting 2 years is quite another.

Sorry to be harsh, but you chose to have your DC you just have to suck it up

Itsjustmeheretoday · 11/09/2024 08:45

Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 08:10

So is your son. 4 years is nothing.

Wow. Do you seriously think I should stay single for another 4 years, and dump my boyfriend, because my son has told me he is jealous of me having a boyfriend - any boyfriend? What message would that send to my son? I have been on here for a long time and generally respect your posts, like a lot, so I am really shocked that you think this.

My son has one man in his life who is a controlling shit, and I don't want him to turn into that. For him i don't want that, and for any future partner I don't.

I read this the other day which I thought was quite powerful. You chose that man to be DS father, not him. But pushing him aside, you're likely to be doing more damage than good, that's a bit of a no-brainer, especially at such a vulnerable age of 12

Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 08:51

And then just continue going super gently as you are? I’m in the same situation with the jealous abusive ex…who very clearly showed DS that he was jealous of my love for him and our relationship, so is it possible your DS’ worst and unspoken (unrealised?) fear is that the same will happen but it might be him that will have to leave this time…I know that’s something my DS worried about aged six 😢, that i could make him leave if I didn’t like his behaviour?

Yes, I think this may very well be at the root of it. That is very interesting and useful.

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 11/09/2024 08:51

Don’t separate your life. Kids have to learn and part of that now for you is that you would like a partner. That doesn’t mean rushing or going in at the deep end either. You can’t have ds learning that he can control and manipulate as that isn’t healthy either.
do they both like football? Could they have a kick about at the park? Something where it’s typically a boy thing? Or watch a match all together if you like the same team. Some common ground is good I think. And just build upon it. There will be ups and downs…I think it’s good to let him work out that it’s better all round having extra people in your life - watch about a boy! Perfect film to show that!

Original poster
Hawthorny · 11/09/2024 08:53

I read this the other day which I thought was quite powerful. You chose that man to be DS father, not him. But pushing him aside, you're likely to be doing more damage than good, that's a bit of a no-brainer, especially at such a vulnerable age of 12

Who am I pushing aside? Ds? Because that's not what's happening. And I don't think the answer to if he is feeling like it is - is to to end my relationship because of it. That's madness

OP posts:
Seas164 · 11/09/2024 08:54

He's not jealous, he's scared. Let that inform your choices.