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Original poster

moving overseas, would ds's dad be able to stop me?

27 replies

beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:08

we were never married and he doesn't have parental responsibility. Also he has only seen ds once when he was 6wks old, his choice not mine. ds is now nearly 4 and I was thinking of moving to NZ by about 2010. Would ds's dad be able to stop me? I would be surprised if he was even bothered but I want to know where I stand if he does decide to make a fuss. This is all assuming that I am going to tell him...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/04/2008 21:09

is he on the birth certificate?

Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:09

yes

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/04/2008 21:10

Hmmm.

Bumpity bump!

Someone will come along here and know for sure.

I saw Xenia around. I think she's a family lawyer, IIRC.

miniandme · 18/04/2008 21:20

If your 100% sure he doesnt have pr then no im pretty sure he cant stop you.

Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:21

ok then, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:26

I don't think he has pr anyway...I would know wouldn't I?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 18/04/2008 21:27

how old is ds?

If your xp is on the birth certificate then he could apply for parental responsibility and would be likely to be given it.

And yes, he could stop you taking your ds out of the country.

But if he hasn't seen your ds since he was a baby then I imagine it's unlikely he would.

wannaBe · 18/04/2008 21:29

if was born after 1 december 2002 and is named on the birth cert then he has PR.

Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:33

I think it's after 1st December 2003 in England, and in Scotland, after 4th May 2006 isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:34

I'm in Scotland btw

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 18/04/2008 21:48

We have looked into emigrating and although i have sole parental responsibility we were advised to get parental consent from dd dad. If if disagreed he could have taken us to court although we were told we had a good case as my ex pays no maintenance and was irregular in his access.

Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 21:51

how much of a terrible person/mother would I be if I didn't tell him? and would he be able to force us to come back if he found out?

OP posts:
midorimum · 18/04/2008 21:54

he definately wouldnt have PR if you are in scotland.

does he pay you any maintenance? wouldnt he find out that way, does the CSA still deal with it if you leave the country?

twinsetandpearls · 18/04/2008 21:58

Depends where you go and if you want to maintain a relationship with your child's father. I am sure some countries will work with the uk to contact 'abducted' children. But i may be wrong. It would be awful if you started a new life and had to come back.

Original poster
beansmum · 18/04/2008 22:21

There isn't really any way he could find out we were leaving but I'm going to have to tell him I suppose. Have to find him first though. I will be sooooo angry if he tries to stop me, this is definitely a good move for ds and me and ds's dad hasn't cared about us so far.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 18/04/2008 22:24

If he has only seen your son once I don;t think he could stop you, you will just probably need to seek legal advice to check if this is the case. If he is not in contact I don;t think you will have to hunt him down. But I am not a legal expert.

Alexa808 · 19/04/2008 05:48

My dp's stepsister is in the same position as you. She and her new husband tried to move to Tenerife with her child from a previous relationship. The girl is 10. The ex sees his daughter once a week or every fortnight, has never spent a holiday with her, lives in a bedsit and is an absolute waste od space, earning fuck all and contributing nothing, no maintenance, zip, nada.

My dps lovely step sis has a great hubby who adores the girl, does everything for her and is her Dad in all but the biological sense. He got a fab job offer in the Canaries and all was sorted when ex tosser dragged step sis to court and banned her from leaving the country.

She's now had to hire my dps lawyer and is locked in a costly dispute over this issue. It doesn't look good I'm afraid. He has the right to confine her to the UK.

Personally, if I were in your position, I'd leave without saying a word. I know I'll get slated now by those saying the ex man should have access to his child and the child deserves a relationship with its father. Well, if the guy cannot be bothered to see his ds, then it only serves him right if you two can start a new life.

Good luck!!

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 19/04/2008 06:58

I honestly would not tell him - that is just me and my circumstances though, I think it might make his father feel he had to try and step in to save face iyswim...while if you didn't say anything he would probably never even notice, which is rather sad.
He might realise if he pays towards your son though, as they might stop asking for money.

Men who have taken no responsibility have very few rights imo....it's about what is best for your son, nothing to do with what's best for his father.

HTH a bit xx

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 07:39

I wouldn't bother telling him.

After all, non-resident fathers can leave the country without informing their child and the mother, would he tell you if he was moving beansmum? I know my ex wouldn't.

You owuldn't be being a bad mum if you didn't track him down to tell him.

Original poster
beansmum · 19/04/2008 09:53

I don't think I will tell him.
He doesn't pay anything so wouldn't find out that way and will probably not even notice. As I don't know where he is I don't really want to have to track him down, it would kind of feel like I was asking his permission which I definitely don't want to do. I don't really see why it is any of his business where we are. If he had any contact at all I would think very hard before effectively ending ds's relationship with his dad but so far he has seen ds once in 4 years so us being on the other side of the world isn't going to make any difference to either of them.

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ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 19/04/2008 11:54

No I know it is sad but I think that's the right decision. As I said I think it might just make him feel he 'had' to try and put a spanner in the works iyswim.

The only other way to look at it is whether it might spur him into seeing Ds more but considering his behaviour thus far, I would really doubt that.

I always feel responsible and guilty that my son's dad doesn't see him, and fwiw before Christmas I did take a very deep breath and drove to his father's house (I wasn't even sure if he still lived there) and knocked on the door, and his new wife let me in and called him, and he came home and we talked for about 29 minutes. I invited him to see Ds in his play, and he just said he couldn't because he was working and I haven't heard another word since.

Very glad Ds didn't know or he would have been very hurt (he is four also, and can't remember his dad).

He actually said that he thought I would have met someone else to take his place and raise Ds by now. I wonder if your son's dad has similar sentiments, in which case he might feel 'off the hook'.

Well done for finding a good man to be a proper father to your child. I'd say go, and don't look back.

Good luck xx

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 19/04/2008 11:55

sorry 20 minutes! That looked strange!

Original poster
beansmum · 19/04/2008 12:04

I haven't found a man! I wish I had. I just want to move back to where I grew up. And hopefully find a lovely man when I get there...

OP posts:
ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 19/04/2008 12:18

Oh sorry!!! I mistook it, thought your OP mentioned a new partner, I can't think where I got that from...well, good for you. I would be lost without my family's help. I sort of wish they lived in NZ though so I could escape ds2's father!!

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 19/04/2008 12:18

There are supposed to be some very fit men in NZ. heehee