Ex mother in law

[thornrose]

I split from my partner 7 years ago when our dd was 12 months old. My ex did not have a great relationship with his mum when we were together so consequently neither did I. My ex and dd have contact and he takes her to see his mum about once a month.
The problem is she still rings me desperate to stay in touch, she guilt trips me about not seeing her granddaughter enough and just makes me feel really uncomfortable. She tries to persuade me to take dd to visit her without telling ex, which I wouldn't do.
She only has my mobile number and I want to just ignore her calls from now on,my sister agrees thats ok but I don't know if I'm being a total cow! Her son and I have been split up for 7 years, I don't want to speak to her, is that ok?

Thorny, please don't forget as much as you both dislike her, she is still your dd's grandma.

I split from my ex 8 years ago, I never liked the woman, but my kids had a good relationship....as long as she wasn't allowed past my front door!
She has now emigrated...but owing to me being estrnaged from own parents now, my dd's do not like it one bit. She did leave a forwarding address so dd's can send cards and letters etc.
Maybe that's the way forward?

Honestly hun, I know how you feel about the devil ex MIL...but the dd's what matter here.

Oh, and once a month is really good for contact...really it is.
At one point, my dd's never saw her for almost 7 months.

So, your'e doing okay hun x x

Purple you are right, she is her nana and that's why I'm struggling with my selfish feelings. I am happy for ex to take dd to see his mum as often as he wants but I just don't want to be involved. We split up SO long ago I want to move on and I don't want to speak to her!! I have done everything in my power to keep ex and dd together for last 7 years when I'd rather never see him again but that's as far as it goes, I don't want an ex mother in law!

Do you have good contact with your ex hun?

If so, leave him to it and politely mention that dd wants to see nana and would he sort it out?

She has no real need to be contacting you all the time though, that would drive me bonkers! He is her son, let him sort it out.

Your not being selfish hun, you just want whats right for dd.

It kills me to hear my dd's on the phone to my own mum and dad, but, it's their choice. I will listen, as much as I don't want to.
It tears me up inside.

But, truly, once a month contact is comendable, really. Go you TR, for keeping it up as long as you have been.
Just tell ex to tell her to ease off...or if it really gets you down, change your number...she can always write a letter, no?

She is your daughters Grandma. Put yourself in her position in 20 years time where it might be you wanting to see your own grandchild and feeling like you're not allowed. Are they within a reasonable distance travel wise from her?

I would suggest you make it clear to your ex MIL that she is welcome to see as much of your daughter as her son will arrange and that she needs to discuss this with him. Also make it clear that you are not prepared to go behind his back over this. From the sounds of it it is your ex who is not taking her to see her grandma enough. How much contact time does he get with your dd?

Make it clear to her any time that she calls that you have no objections to your dd seeing more of her, but that she needs to speak to her son to sort this out.

Then you need to tell your ex that his mother wants to see your dd more and that he needs to sort this out with her. Perhaps he can take her more often, after school once a week or something?

Is your MIL able to collect your dd from school once a week maybe and then your ex bring her back afterwards? What about your dd going to her dad a bit more often so he has more time in order to take her to her grandma's more often? All options for your dd to see more of her Grandma.

Show that you are willing to facilitate this, but that your ex has to do the legwork as far as visiting goes. If she keeps ringing you tell her calmly and clearly she needs to discuss it with her son and keep repeating that. If she won't listen then tell her you aren't going to discuss it further, to talk to her son, and if she doesn't stop then i'm afraid you have to put the phone down on her.

Perhaps suggest that if your Ex MIL wants to write, send postcards etc in between that she is more than welcome to do so. Grandma's love their grandchildren too. It's great really that she wants to see her, don't let your daughter miss out on this important relationship if there's things you can do to encourage it.

Best wishes
Gilly

Wise words indeed and I know you're right. I suppose I just want ex to sort this out but his relationship with his mum is pretty strained which makes it difficult.
When my dd comes back from seeing nana she says that daddy and grandma argue all the time. Mil has admitted on the phone that they argue bacause ex is totally unreasonable and very aggressive (NEVER with our dd of course)this is why she wants me to take dd over there and not tell ex.
I think my ex uses our dd to "punish" his mum because he feels she was such a terrible mother (I think he's right if he's telling me the truth)I don't want to be involved.
We've been over since dd was a tiny baby, she's now 8 and I'm still dealing with his family troubles, aggh!!

Bad mothers can be good grandmothers - the emotional distance is greater. It can't be good for your dd to see her dad & his mum at each other's throats.

Any chance of a neutral venue (Pizza Express once a month?) for the two of them to meet up without you or her dad?

Good idea and I'm not being deliberately negative to these suggestions but I cannot imagine ex agreeing to them meeting without him. He really tries to ensure that he has control of his mum and his dd's relationship, in other words, he calls the shots. It's a very difficult situation.

I can see why he's your xp...

Oh yes....

can I put my 2pence in?

When ex & I were together, I was anxious about my inlaws because had seen how they took over my neice & nephew, and didnt want their interference

now we have split, they are just as doting but a little less in my face because they are desperate to see their grandchildren, and seeing as my ex lives 5 hrs drive from them, they now see them very little.

I have instigated & invited them to stay with me on many an occasion. I invite them when ex is coming for a day visit so they can all go out together. They still send me bday cards & money for me to buy myself something nice. Its a little difficult now I have a dp and I havent had them to stay. Thats my doing as I dont know how they will cope with seeing another man with their grandchildren BUT they know my ex left me so I guess they cant complain.

if you can feel comfortable for your ex MIL to see your DD without your ex being there, I dont see the problem. You are not together so its not up to him what you do.
Might be worth trying it especially if you can do it on your terms & your DD wants to see her grandma

hard isnt it

Go ahead, the more opinions the better as far as I'm concerned. Here I go again, I'm going to sound so negative "It's not up to him what you do" is a fair comment but somehow it is where his mum and our dd is concerned, it has to be on his terms. DD would tell ex she'd seen grandma and I'm almost scared of his reaction. I feel very strongly that I have to keep things very harmonious between us as when we were together he was very volatile and aggressive! I don't mean I'm scared, scared more anxious I think.
I'm off out now on a sort of date which is exciting for me! Lets not even think about how me having a new partner...no no don't go there. I'm off to have fun.

Does the ex MIL live close enough to come over and take your dd out for a couple of hours? If so that could be a way to deal with it, provided your dd wants to see here grandma more frequently. It must be horrid for her to never experience seeing her grandma on her own which is what many grandchildren do get to do?

You have my complete sympathy. My MIL was part of the reason we split up (he worked for the family firm- very stressful). It took a long time for me to let her back in I even went back after the first attempt and said it was too soon, but my DC's are 6&8 and she takes them in the holidays and has been a great support now I am on my own (she was in the same situation at my age).

I think you have to be careful to set any contact on your terms but I wholeheartedly agree with the comment about projecting forward and imagining yourself in her position. I live by the rule that what my kids see me doing, they are learning and will take into adulthood. Do you want them to learn to exclude family members who are trying to stay in touch?

Good luck with this, it's so hard and each of our situations are different, only you know what needs to be done.

I think what I'm not getting across very well is how bad the relationship is between ex and his mum. He withholds/limits his mums time with dd to hurt his mum.
I am very worried about myself and dd getting in the middle of their horrible dysfunctional relationship.
We split when dd was 1 yo she's seen her grandma maybe once a month, often less for the last 7 years, they have no bond, no relationship to speak of. I don't feel a sense of ex mil having strong loving feelings towards dd (or her son for that matter) and wanting to be around her. It comes across more as almost irritation that she doesn't see her more if that makes sense? God this has ended up being long, sorry! When dd went to see her last, she told me afterwards that when grandma walked in she snapped at dd "come and give me a hug then" and ex told her "don't speak to her like that" and they had a "bit of a quarrel" (bless dd) Just to further complicate matters dd has Aspergers and doesn't relate to grandma the way she "expects" her too and sometimes thinks she's being rude it's all a mess!

I don't want an ex mother in law!
I am sorry but as soon as you had a child with your Ex you entered in to a whole life time of connections.

Your Ex MIL has as much right to see her grandchild as your family do.
Dose your DD like her gran? Would she like to see her more? Would it really kill you to visit without telling your EX, even if you drop your DD off for a hour or two and go for a coffee.
This little girl is the flesh and blood of your Ex MIL too you know, and like it or not you have a whole lot of Ex In Laws that you can't just pretend do not exhist.
In a million years I would not stop my MIL seeing my children even though DH1 and I are seperated, she is part of them, the only person in DH1s family not allowed near my children is his sister (even DH1 has nothing to do with her as she is evil and not safe to let near our children).

I think you need also to think how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot and you Ex had your Daughter and did not like your family seeing her, or how you would feel if you were granny.

When did I ever say I would stop her seeing her grandmother? That's not even an option, I simply want my ex to arrange contact with his mother and our dd without me being involved!
In answer to some of your questions, no, my dd would not like to see her gran more.
My ex might possibly behave violently towards me if I take our dd without telling her and my dd would certainly tell her dad as she's incapable of lying (double edged sword ).
I use the term ex MIl simply to signify that my partner and I are no longer together no more meaningful than that.

without telling him, I meant obviously!

The poor lady-no wonder she is desperate to speak to you, it is a horrible situation. I don't see why ex partner has to come into it. Can't you just work out regular contact between DD and her Gran? Tell ex partner that the contact wasn't working and now that DD wants to see her Gran you have worked out an alternative.

i can understand where you are coming from and IMO ex MIL is putting you in a very tricky situation. If it was the matter of ex dp not wanting to see DD but ex MIL wanting to then i would say it was your responsibility to make sure that DD and EX MIL had some sort of relationship. If ex DP wanted his mother to see DD more regularly then he would do so....other posters may not agree with me but if this is going to cause problems within the amiccable relationship that you and EX DP have then i wouldn't go behind his back.

maybe ask DD what she wants to do as well...if she wants to see EX MIL but he cant tolerate taking her then arrange something

We don't have any formal contact arrangements, he generally visits her at my home every other Sunday and takes her to Grandmothers once a month, very loose arrangement.
If I'm honest dd has no real feelings either way, she has no bond with grandma and finds it all quite stressful. I've pushed really hard for her dad to stay in touch as he was in danger of drifting out of her life and I am very positive about grandma and daddy (which is bloody hard but I'm a saint
Fawkeoff, going behind his back would be very very unwise, you are spot on!

This is helping, thanks everyone, getting it down and "talking" to objective people is great.
Ex is coming over tomorrow so I will try and instigate some sort of dialogue about the situation (again!)

yes justabouta your are right that's it in a nutshell. I have asked him not to argue with his mum in front of dd and he agreed to "try" but they just rub each other up the wrong way (great understatement)