He is threatening court

[Bluedog0102]

Hi, i didnt want to post a really long message but would appreciate some advice.

For context…i found out i was pregnant with a guy who i had previously dated briefly (hindsight without giving examples he was emotionally abusive and really impacted my confidence in my self, i guess as a result i let him keep coming in and out of my life for the next few months which led to us having sex (probably could describe it as a bit of a one night stand).

After telling him about the pregnancy he initially asked if i was ok and hugged me but two minutes later said if i go ahead he will quote hate me forever (i told him he didnt have to be involved if he didnt want to be which he said i was leaving him with no choice because he has a financial obligation and burdening him for life) and I could expect a solicitors letter about court and that every decision about the baby/child would be through court, no communication between us about the child other than a door handover. I’m so unsure about my decision (im only first trimester), i feel so much guilt when i think of an abortion so i want to keep it but feel like my hands are tied.

I’m so worried about the financial implications on my ability to be a good mother if he is able to take me through court. I offered attending to scans which he said wasn’t appropriate and we could agree a custody arrangement between ourselves but he is adamant that he wants a legal document. Because of my line of work I’m incredibly aware of children’s developmental and emotional needs and it worries me how this could harm the child emotionally. The only thing i would want is for us to be able to co-parent amicably and put our differences aside.

I got quite upset and tried to talk this through with him hoping he would see sense but I just get told that i’m too sensitive/emotional. Again im not sure on my decision but i feel the need to protect myself and potential future child but no matter how i respond i’m told I’m being reactive which is really difficult.

he said he's sought legal advice already and he can take me to court. Is he right? Am i right to be worried?

do you want to keep the pregnancy? Would you be prepared to not name him on the birth certificate?

This is completely your choice as to how you continue with the pregnancy- it’s your body and only your decision. We don’t know your age/history etc.

having said that, this man is telling you that if you continue with the pregnancy he will make your life hell for at least 18 years and you’ve noticed the red flags and warnings yourself. I know how with hindsight I would choose not to have any connection with an abusive man.

Don't put him on the birth certificate

Move. Walk away. He is telling you what it is going to be like.

Not putting him on the birth certificate will only delay him. If he wants contact with baby (and he has the right to as the father) all he needs to do is go to court and request a dna test and if he is proved to be the father he has the same rights to the child as you. Sounds like a tough decision but you have to do what's right for you: abortion is not for everyone but neither is single motherhood.

I couldn’t be fucked with bringing up a child with such an awful individual.

I wouldn’t do it, or I’d move away and never see the fucker again. Or keep the baby and not tell him - with the expectation you will be doing it alone.

this isn’t a man you want as a parent to your child.

I’m sorry to OP to hear of your difficult situation.

You must make a decision that is about you, what you want and how you will cope with the father’s negative approach.

If he wants joint custody then that is a decision for you to make if you want him on the birth certificate. If so, yes he has to take more responsibility overall and be involved financially, etc but he will be a thorn in your side for 18 years.

I personally would not let anyone pressure me into an abortion to make it easier for themselves.

This man is equally responsible for the resulting pregnancy and needs to take those consequences. He needs to grow up and accept that.

I would not worry about court. That would just be formalities and it’s a rather pathetic threat. If you don’t name him as the father, he can’t do much. A man waving sabres at you is really not something you get worried about; just focus on yourself.

I would be more concerned about my own long term future. Providing for the baby, job decisions, what extended family and friends support network you have, can you manage alone?

A man telling you you’re too sensitive or emotional is a classic sign of lack of empathy, gaslighting and passive aggressive immaturity. It’s blame shifting. Don’t engage.

Don’t let him do DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim , Offender. Making out he’s the victim and you’ve caused him soooo much trouble! Ok? Don’t. Go quiet and boundary yourself from his attacks.

Be assertive however in a way which serves YOU. Tell him via email to step up to the plate, or leave your life.

Call his bluff and tell him court will only cost him money and he will be ordered to support the child financially at the least. Tell him to go ahead! Don’t be bullied by any intimidation whatsoever decide on what YOUR plans are.

It’s likely he’ll be less involved over time as he’s already stated how he feels. He’ll likely fade into the background from what you’ve said . Or he’ll become difficult .

Think about how you’ll manage him. Yes- manage him! But you can do it if you want this baby. Set your boundaries, expectations of what behaviour you’ll accept from him.

You can’t control his actions but you can control your response. So be calm, collect and clear with him. And do not under any circumstances back down or be intimidated cos he’ll try anything to get ‘ control’ back and put you where he wants you. He doesn’t care .

So stop thinking about him, think about you and this pregnancy- your own future.

Centre yourself around and on your own decisions! You’re not a flower in the wind allowing him to push you around, moving goalposts!

Quietly tell him what you’re doing by email and don’t engage if he starts being negative. Speak your truth, make a firm decision about YOUR future and stick it to it.

You’ll be just fine my dear! He’s sounds like a typical bully; an intimidating, mansplaining, manipulative arsehole. Do what is right for YOU.

Sending you my very best wishes. Good luck!

Just sure you make a decision for yourself and not around his bad choices, actions, attitudes and behaviour. It’s hard- men often try to dominate so many situations, so just remain calm and focused. Don’t be his puppet!

Xxx

i’m late 20s, no children, good career that ive worked really hard towards. I had already considered not putting him on the birth certificate and moving away. Telling him that i didnt keep it (i feel awful saying that- but he said he would demand proof of that too). Without saying too much, l can move away and am planning to move anyway but I’m tied into a job for a few years which i can’t change because im completing further training for my career and he knows where I work.

i feel overwhelmed with guilt when i think about not keeping it so i want to keep it. I know some people wouldnt agree but Its what feels right to me. But I’m just concerned what the consequences of this would be if he would be able to find us? Guess thats why I feel like I’m being pressured into a decision i dont want.

The last correspondence was that I wouldn’t be updating him any further because i was so overwhelmed with the stress. He said i was being reactive and cruel (feels a bit ironic but no matter how hard you try he doesn’t see any reason other than his pov so i stopped trying). I just feel stupid that i didnt see the red flags but my mind was so battered from all the gaslighting and being told there was something wrong with me (i was actually Starting to believe it) Hindsight they were already there before this happened and I never should have told him.

Keep all messages.

See a doctor and tell them you are stressed and why.

In short, if you are going to keep the baby, get a paper trail of evidence together about this man and his abusive behaviour.

I would also make a Claire's law application to the police.

Protect yourself as much as you can.

Is he really seeking legal advice or is he just saying that? He would have had to pay over £100 just to speak to a lawyer. Can he afford this?

Having a baby with an abusive man is signing yourself (and the unborn human) up to be connected to him for the rest of your life. And his whole family. You should be very, very careful who you have babies with.

In fact, this is coercive controlling behaviour so you may want to speak to the police. If you need legal aid due to domestic abuse or if you need a non molestation order, then you need evidence.

Speaking to police and doctors can be evidence for legal aid if you should need it in the future.

I'm so sorry. A future involving an abusive ex and family court is not one I'd wish in anyone.

Get away from this individual. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy I would cut him dead, offer him the same respect and courtesy he has shown you, which is zero, and carry on under your own terms. Don't name him on the birth certificiate, he will then have to pursue you for parental responsibility, which it doesn't sound like he will.

There will be no need for court unless he pursues you, or, you pursue him.

It was a surprise pregnancy (i was on the pill so was very much in shock when i found out).

I recently found out he has a criminal conviction for drug possession 10 years ago.

He also has the finances to pursue that (he knows i don't and i raised concerns on the impact of a childs wellbeing and it would make things very challenging between us- his response was tough luck). I didnt think i would be entitled to legail aid because of having a reasonable income. if he has sought legal advice i dont think they have given good advice.

He wouldn’t speak on text as he didnt want “misunderstandings”, i think he just didnt want a paper trail. My GP is aware but Im just worried that i wont be believed. If i don’t put him on the birth certificate and moved away, legally what could he do? And what evidence would I need to protect my wellbeing and potential future baby/childs if he did find us?

Part of me feels like this is just a way to coerce and control me into a decision as none of what he says adds up and i’m just hoping that he will just give up and leave me alone.

He said that if I dont provide updates i will get a solicitors letter after the birth so i’m not sure if he will let it go. I know legally i dont have to notify him of the birth though?

it was my understanding too that you cant jump straight to court? Have to try to come to an agreement together first? But i honestly I don’t know much other than what google says

Walk away from him OP. Stop contact. Stop engaging. Take a breath. You don’t have to jump whenever he shouts at you. Decide what you want to do with your life. He can stomp his feet and threaten solicitors letters all he likes - these are empty threats - a solicitor will write pretty much anything in a letter if someone pays them enough. They are not court orders. Don’t try and come to an agreement with him - you cannot reason with the unreasonable. Good luck.

He will have rights, yes. He’s likely got a mum who will want to see their grandchild too. Sisters who will want to see their nephew.

What does he actually want? He’s saying an abortion because he doesn’t want responsibility and financial obligations. But if you do keep the baby he’s going to spend loads of money in court and spend his time to and from court - ie. Take on more responsibility and financial obligations just to make your life miserable? He’s not making sense.

This is a good point to remember. If his solicitors letters have demands, they are not law and don’t have to be followed. Only the court can put rules on you.

Right now he has absolutely no right to information or access to you. None. Updates are not required as this is your medical information and they're your appointments.

So,.for now, do nothing. Don't talk to him don't text, don't email. Don't reply to any calls or messages. He can threaten anything but at the moment there is nothing he needs or can do.

Then, when you're ready,. consider what you want and then, if you decide to go ahead with having the baby you have the duration of the pregnancy to research what's reasonable and prepare a proposal. For instance, recommendations for newborns is a little and often approach to contact, and then as they get older and assuming contact has been regular, building up to him taking the child out for periods of time before building to overnight contact. Get a rough draft of how you might be able to facilitate this down on paper and keep it.

When the baby is born that's when rights kick in - not his, but your baby's rights to know their father. That's when you put forward your calm, reasoned proposal. He may haggle a bit (reasonable) or make wild demands (unreasonable) and that's when he can go to court and negotiate.

But nothing needs to happen now.

Dancethedevilbackintohishole
Has given some good advice.

Right now he has no rights and when they baby arrives he still has no rights he does have responsibilities. Your baby has a right to a relationship with his father.

Let him send solicitors letters just ignore them unless you get a court summons they mean nothing he has no right to know anything about you. And also on that point what can he take you to court over? "My X won't tell me about her health"

Baby is not here yet and until then you don't need to communicate with him. Going forward state only communication will be in email/text you won't be talking via phone and stick to it. He rings calmly. "As I said all communication via text/phone I will not be continuing this call: and hang up. Over and over.

Take control don't let him think he has it.

Im just worrying ahead arent i because of what he has said about what might/not happen and the impact that will have on mine and the baby/childs emotional wellbeing. As hes been very clear that he will make it as challenging as possible.

I think you’re right that nothing he has said adds up. And even though it feels wrong, you cant reason with people who aren’t reasonable. Communication has already been stopped, he isnt getting any updates. I plan on moving. And if he decides after the baby is here to contact and find me then it can be dealt with then but i don’t think it would be in best interests for me to contact him (even though that feels awful to say but i guess i have to do what feels best, given the circumstances).

There isnt a rationale for it to go to court, when it could be handled reasonably through discussion but hes made that clear thats not an option because he wants it done legally. Its worrying but I think part of me knows (or is hoping) that based on his behaviour so far he wont do that.

Can you get legal advice through a Union or Professional Body

How many weeks are you? If in time I would have a termination, if not then tell him you've miscarried and block him on everything.

I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable ( my views are jaded after years of dealing with a bully and our kids- we are out the other side mostly now).
If you can’t leave cause of work for now I would move house, change my contact details as much as possible-phone/email etc, don’t engage with him at all, inform work that he is not to be allowed into your office etc, do not put him onto birth certificate and breast feed when baby comes.
I would stay off the radar as much as possible, keep records of any of the threats etc and wait…

I think he is seeing this as an excuse to control and intimidate you, rather than have any specific concern in mind or any clear idea about what "court" might be used for in this situation.

No child deserves to be brough into the world to a father who feels that they will be burdening him for life, and I would think long and very very hard about having a child with this man. He sounds fucking awful frankly, I wouldn't like to share a dog with him, and unless you are very determined and can basically make yourself disappear, having a baby with him will tie you to him and his unreasonable controlling behaviour, forever practically.

No wonder you are unsure about your decision. If you are determined to go ahead regardless of the waving red flags from his direction, and the clear warning signs, cut yourself off and start a new life in which he has no part. The alternative is a couple of decades of hell frankly. Unless you can imagine handing over your child to him on a doorstep on a regular basis, and into his care, and him using that child as a stick to beat you with, you're going to need a good plan.

I know theres a risk that if i keep it and he pushes, he will make mine and the childs life hell and I’m already torn with the guilt that i will likely feel about that.

but I also can’t seem to get past the guilt of not keeping it. Im not sure if thats something i can live with either 😔