He is threatening court

[Bluedog0102]

Hi, i didnt want to post a really long message but would appreciate some advice.

For context…i found out i was pregnant with a guy who i had previously dated briefly (hindsight without giving examples he was emotionally abusive and really impacted my confidence in my self, i guess as a result i let him keep coming in and out of my life for the next few months which led to us having sex (probably could describe it as a bit of a one night stand).

After telling him about the pregnancy he initially asked if i was ok and hugged me but two minutes later said if i go ahead he will quote hate me forever (i told him he didnt have to be involved if he didnt want to be which he said i was leaving him with no choice because he has a financial obligation and burdening him for life) and I could expect a solicitors letter about court and that every decision about the baby/child would be through court, no communication between us about the child other than a door handover. I’m so unsure about my decision (im only first trimester), i feel so much guilt when i think of an abortion so i want to keep it but feel like my hands are tied.

I’m so worried about the financial implications on my ability to be a good mother if he is able to take me through court. I offered attending to scans which he said wasn’t appropriate and we could agree a custody arrangement between ourselves but he is adamant that he wants a legal document. Because of my line of work I’m incredibly aware of children’s developmental and emotional needs and it worries me how this could harm the child emotionally. The only thing i would want is for us to be able to co-parent amicably and put our differences aside.

I got quite upset and tried to talk this through with him hoping he would see sense but I just get told that i’m too sensitive/emotional. Again im not sure on my decision but i feel the need to protect myself and potential future child but no matter how i respond i’m told I’m being reactive which is really difficult.

he said he's sought legal advice already and he can take me to court. Is he right? Am i right to be worried?

He can't do anything until the baby is born and even then the first thing he'll need to do is get PR from being on the birth certificate. The whole thing will take months... so don't register your babies birth with him! Delay delay, delay ... he also won't get it straight into court without mediation first.

I have a 9 month old baby with a guy that sounds similar to this fella.... we've now reached the stage of mediation because we just can't agree... not sure if I'm hoping for a miracle but I'm hoping these sessions might help us align.

You really don't need to stress over a termination it sounds like you are going through a tricky time but this time will pass. Hopefully when little one is here, with the right support, you'll be able to work things out x for now though concentrate on yourself and growing that little one x you don't need him stressing you out. Xx

Good Luck xx smile 😊 cos you've just joined the most exclusive club 'Motherhood' it's found to be amazing 🤩

If he tries to play silly buggers and not negotiate a half way decent judge should order that he cant apply to court without the courts consent.

In the same way you can make the same request.

While my oldest was 14 by then my ex made a vexatious application that was left open with leave to return to court which I did.

Judge pointed this out to my ex and I also made the point that the Court had previously accepted a very vexatious application from her.

Anyway I got what I wanted which was to update his contact and travel arrangements and we were blocked from going to court again without a judges consent so it was a win win

Op if you go ahead then don't worry about it. Don't tell him anything for now (fair given his threats - I wouldn't normally advise this) and tell your midwife about the emotional abuse she can signpost you to support about documenting this. You might need a non molestation order at some point if he starts harassing you (which is like a restraining order).

The process takes months - he'll have to prove he is the father first via a dna to be allowed to apply to the courts for birth certificate and access which will be slow contact and likely no over nights for babies first year. He's extremely unlikely to do this if you don't ask him for child maintenance. If you do ask him for child maintenance he's very likely to push for 50/50 if he can fob the child off on his mum or new girlfriend, so think about what you can afford.
If you can move more that 45 mins away from him then that will help you avoid him if that's what you want.
But - it is also likely that he is just bullying you now but he might be interested in being a dad once he accepts that baby will actually arrive. The baby has the right to have a relationship with its dad as it will only have one dad and you've picked this guy. So you will need to think about that. I have a nasty bully guy in my life forever now as I had a baby with him.