Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

How can I get my ex to contribute more, or do I just need to suck it up?

29 replies

Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 07:39

I think I know the answer to this, but I just want to vent as it just seems so unfair.

DS's dad and I split a few years ago following a physically (to me), emotionally and financially abusive relationship.

Initially, he had DS overnight two or three nights a week. Then he decided to move two hours away to be with his new girlfriend and cut the contact down to EOW. This meant me having to change my hours at work and pay for childcare on the days he was no longer having DS, which he refused to pay towards.

I eventually went through CMS and he now pays the bare minimum, which is less than £30 a week. He works full time, is constantly on holiday etc so I'm pretty certain he could afford more than this but is somehow rigging the system? I don't know. But he refuses point blank to contribute to any 'extras' such as uniform, clubs, school trips - nothing. DS is 9 and is getting more and more expensive but he doesn't see it as his problem. He doesn't even buy him clothes for when he's at his house, I have to send a weekend bag every time, which I don't mind per se, but surely he should be making sure he has essentials there too?

Additionally, despite him deciding to move away, he claims money through CMS for travel costs to see his son which is deducted from me.

He really thinks he's this amazing dad, actually boasts about how a lot of dads don't even pay anything at all or see their kids at all. If I ever ask for an additional contribution to a necessity he says he pays what the law says therefore its more than enough and makes out I'm being greedy.

I do get by and DS gets what he needs, but it's not easy at all and I have to make a lot of sacrifices. I don't think I earn any more than him, yet the financial responsibility falls almost fully on my shoulders. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning about making sacrifices - that's just parenting - but I really feel like the CMS system is not fit for purpose and is inherently sexist.

Finally, he's just announced he's having another baby and gleefully told me the CMS will go down even more once its born. I get that his new baby absolutely needs to be provided for too, but him paying less means I will have to pick up the fall. However, when I had another baby with my new partner, I had to budget to make sure both children's needs are met.

Am I being totally unreasonable or is the system just really unfair?

OP posts:
Orchidlie22 · 19/08/2024 07:51

@Cornishmama1990

The system is unfair and so many Dads play the system to ensure their ex's get the bare minimum financials to help towards raise their child!

The day my ex's new baby was born he informed CMS so he'd be paying less for his 2 children he doesn't live with! You'd think that wouldn't be on his mind when he gf had just given birth!

He now doesn't see our eldest child and has pulled anything extra he used to help contribute towards. Sadly our child is now seeing him in a different light from these actions as it's a way of punishment and control. Something he's done to me for years and now he's doing the same to our child!

Mintypig · 19/08/2024 07:55

My ex played every single trick in the book to not play child support. Our dd now doesn’t see him and she has grown up knowing what a tight arsed fool he is.
it’s sad, they think they are “winning” something but in the end it destroys their relationship with their own kids.

Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Thanks both- in my case DS idolises his dad. Obviously this is much better than the alternative of course. But it just adds to my ex's narrative that he's dad of the year.

Before he got with his girlfriend he did nothing with DS and he hated going there. But now, he has a big house, they go on holidays a lot and lots of other expensive days out, all organised by his gf. Yet he won't contribute to what DS actually needs and sees this as all my responsibility. I guess you could call him a disney dad.

It just feels so unfair. :(

OP posts:
Carebearsonmybed · 19/08/2024 08:01

The system is really unfair. Write to your MP. Go see them.

This needs to be a prioritised political issue.

Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 08:08

Carebearsonmybed · 19/08/2024 08:01

The system is really unfair. Write to your MP. Go see them.

This needs to be a prioritised political issue.

I have been thinking of writing to my MP. It doesn't seem to be an issue that gets much political attention for some reason.

OP posts:
Orchidlie22 · 19/08/2024 08:10

@Cornishmama1990 how old is your son? In my experience as they get older they see a lot more that goes on and will figure it out for them self!

Mrsm010918 · 19/08/2024 08:14

Is he self employed by any chance?

If so, that's how he'll be paying such a low amount - he fiddles the books so it all looks like expenses and that he doesn't earn as much as he actually does

LividSummers · 19/08/2024 08:17

This is so gross. He gets travel costs deducted? Heard everything now.

We women need to not stand for this. Refuse to date, never mind procreate with, any “man” who already has children he’s barely paying for.

And the “self employed” loopholes need closing. Too many chancers taking advantage.

SummerSplashing · 19/08/2024 08:19

@Cornishmama1990

it IS an unfair system! It's utter crap.

£30 pw is pathetic.

Can you apply for a review as he seems to be living so well on his currently declared income?

Biggaybear · 19/08/2024 08:24

I paid my ex-wife £600pm & saw my kids EOW. Paid half of school trips & school uniforms. Took them on holiday every summer.

6 years ago they moved in with me. She wasn't working at the time (off sick). She them moved in with a new boyfriend & hasn't worked since. I've never received a penny from her (I know I could have gone through CMS & got £7per week), she's not taken them on holiday & only had them overnight twice in that period (both times xmas eve).

Upshot is DD doesn't see her anymore and DS's see her once every few months.

Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 08:30

Mrsm010918 · 19/08/2024 08:14

Is he self employed by any chance?

If so, that's how he'll be paying such a low amount - he fiddles the books so it all looks like expenses and that he doesn't earn as much as he actually does

Nope he's PAYE and on around 23/24k but even then I have no idea how the maintenence is so low

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 08:32

SummerSplashing · 19/08/2024 08:19

@Cornishmama1990

it IS an unfair system! It's utter crap.

£30 pw is pathetic.

Can you apply for a review as he seems to be living so well on his currently declared income?

I have a feeling his gf pays for most things (a leopard doesn't change its spots) so perhaps that's why. But even so, this means he can surely afford to pay me more than £30 a week or at least contribute to things like uniform etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 08:33

Biggaybear · 19/08/2024 08:24

I paid my ex-wife £600pm & saw my kids EOW. Paid half of school trips & school uniforms. Took them on holiday every summer.

6 years ago they moved in with me. She wasn't working at the time (off sick). She them moved in with a new boyfriend & hasn't worked since. I've never received a penny from her (I know I could have gone through CMS & got £7per week), she's not taken them on holiday & only had them overnight twice in that period (both times xmas eve).

Upshot is DD doesn't see her anymore and DS's see her once every few months.

That's totally rubbish :( I know women do this too, although rarer. The system needs to change.

OP posts:
ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 19/08/2024 08:35

How does he sleep at night??

What a bastard!
I'm angry for you.

I hear the same ridiculous 'argument' from these men.
"I'm not paying for her to get her nails done, etc"

Whatever he thinks of you, why would he treat his son with such contempt??

I'm sorry you're going through this.

socks1107 · 19/08/2024 12:57

It's absolutely appalling. I'm due to receive one more payment and then it's over for me, but he holidays four times a year, new dd does every club going and is tutored for school.
Mine have had a good life but only provided by me and minimum input both in money and time from him. Both dds at university now and he won't even give them £10 a month towards a meal deal for lunch. I'm bitter, bitter that he's done so little ( no overnights now for 5 years for example) and doesn't support them in any way yet expects them to attend his family stuff when he clicks his fingers. The man is a looser and the system supports absent and awful fathers

Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 19/08/2024 13:28

socks1107 · 19/08/2024 12:57

It's absolutely appalling. I'm due to receive one more payment and then it's over for me, but he holidays four times a year, new dd does every club going and is tutored for school.
Mine have had a good life but only provided by me and minimum input both in money and time from him. Both dds at university now and he won't even give them £10 a month towards a meal deal for lunch. I'm bitter, bitter that he's done so little ( no overnights now for 5 years for example) and doesn't support them in any way yet expects them to attend his family stuff when he clicks his fingers. The man is a looser and the system supports absent and awful fathers

I'm so sorry you've been through this 💔 I just can't understand how the system suppers this like you say. It's shocking.

In my case, the fact he's not doing anything legally wrong gives him power over me and feeds into his narcissism. But its just so incredibly unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 20/08/2024 07:04

Carebearsonmybed · 19/08/2024 08:01

The system is really unfair. Write to your MP. Go see them.

This needs to be a prioritised political issue.

Hi I've been thinking about this all night. I've never written to my MP before but I honestly just feel so angry- not just about my specific situation because at the end of the day I get by, it's more the principle - but angry that the law allows this to happen. I keep thinking what if I was still paying for full time childcare which was around £1k pm, he still would only be expected to pay his £30 pw.

I wonder if there are already any campaigns going on, it's just not right 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 20/08/2024 07:05

Sorry meant to say there what do you say when writing to MP?

OP posts:
SpaceRaiders · 20/08/2024 07:57

The CMS system doesn’t change because children age out and then it’s no longer an issue. I’ve become quite cynical about these kinds of issues, majority of people will never understand just how badly it’s run and those who do, don’t have the political backing to change it. Writing to your MP will do absolutely nothing, been there done that! Best you can do is become completely self sufficient and expect nothing from your ex.

milkysmum · 20/08/2024 09:37

I have two children age 16 and 13. My ex husband pays nothing towards their upkeep. Not one single penny. CMS calculated he should pay £13.44 a week and I am collect and pay but still nothing. He is a self employed builder and earns a bloody fortune but clearly fiddles the books. He sees them now and again when it suits him. The system is a bloody disgrace.

Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 20/08/2024 11:18

SpaceRaiders · 20/08/2024 07:57

The CMS system doesn’t change because children age out and then it’s no longer an issue. I’ve become quite cynical about these kinds of issues, majority of people will never understand just how badly it’s run and those who do, don’t have the political backing to change it. Writing to your MP will do absolutely nothing, been there done that! Best you can do is become completely self sufficient and expect nothing from your ex.

Gosh it's so depressing isn't it. Surely surely surely something has to be done, its so unfair and should come under the equality act because let's face it, its normally mothers who are most affected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishmama1990 · 20/08/2024 11:19

milkysmum · 20/08/2024 09:37

I have two children age 16 and 13. My ex husband pays nothing towards their upkeep. Not one single penny. CMS calculated he should pay £13.44 a week and I am collect and pay but still nothing. He is a self employed builder and earns a bloody fortune but clearly fiddles the books. He sees them now and again when it suits him. The system is a bloody disgrace.

Urgh that is disgusting. They shouldn't be able to see their kids if they don't pay :(

OP posts:
todayistheday321 · 20/08/2024 12:10

This must be so so frustrating for you! Just know as a child of a man that behaved this way, once i had grown up I saw him for what he is a waste of space and I appreciate how hard my mum worked so I could have nice things as a child. Of course when i was younger i thought the sun shone out my dads arse as he would spoil me 2 days a month with sweets and trips out but now I'm NC with him & would do anything for my mum

bigyellowTpot · 20/08/2024 12:31

Interesting thread. I've recently separated too and ex is giving £300 per calendar month for our 2 dc which I've worked out as around £34 per week per child. Not gone through CMS but he's been on their calculator and worked out that's what he should be paying based on his income, trouble is I've no idea of his current income so I've no idea if this is true or if he's just trying to get away with paying as little as possible. He also doesn't help with uniform costs, school bus fares, school dinners, clothes or anything whatsoever. DC are definitely getting way more expensive now they're getting older. like your ex op he's definitely the disney dad who now seems to have more money for holidays and days out with the dc than he did when we were together and thats probably because he's not really contributing to the upbringing of his dc, I mean bloody hell how far does £34 a week go! costs me around £100 per week for just a food shop.

SpaceRaiders · 20/08/2024 13:25

@todayistheday321 You don’t have to respond, but I’m curious, did you ever have a conversation with your dad about the impact of his actions? Either as an older teen or young adult?

@Cornishmama1990 I feel like the only way dc get to experience their father is by them spending time with him. Otherwise they’d idolise a person without having real life experience. Unfortunately for us we have to be there to pick up the pieces for dc when it inevitably falls apart.

Mine are 12 and 10. And even now I hear snippets of events and conversations where they’re clearly disappointed with something their father has done or hasn’t done. Or treating one child better than the other. It’s sad to witness and occasionally I do step in but ultimately they can’t rely on my experience of him. They have to make their own minds up.