How can I get my ex to contribute more, or do I just need to suck it up?

[Cornishmama1990]

I think I know the answer to this, but I just want to vent as it just seems so unfair.

DS's dad and I split a few years ago following a physically (to me), emotionally and financially abusive relationship.

Initially, he had DS overnight two or three nights a week. Then he decided to move two hours away to be with his new girlfriend and cut the contact down to EOW. This meant me having to change my hours at work and pay for childcare on the days he was no longer having DS, which he refused to pay towards.

I eventually went through CMS and he now pays the bare minimum, which is less than £30 a week. He works full time, is constantly on holiday etc so I'm pretty certain he could afford more than this but is somehow rigging the system? I don't know. But he refuses point blank to contribute to any 'extras' such as uniform, clubs, school trips - nothing. DS is 9 and is getting more and more expensive but he doesn't see it as his problem. He doesn't even buy him clothes for when he's at his house, I have to send a weekend bag every time, which I don't mind per se, but surely he should be making sure he has essentials there too?

Additionally, despite him deciding to move away, he claims money through CMS for travel costs to see his son which is deducted from me.

He really thinks he's this amazing dad, actually boasts about how a lot of dads don't even pay anything at all or see their kids at all. If I ever ask for an additional contribution to a necessity he says he pays what the law says therefore its more than enough and makes out I'm being greedy.

I do get by and DS gets what he needs, but it's not easy at all and I have to make a lot of sacrifices. I don't think I earn any more than him, yet the financial responsibility falls almost fully on my shoulders. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning about making sacrifices - that's just parenting - but I really feel like the CMS system is not fit for purpose and is inherently sexist.

Finally, he's just announced he's having another baby and gleefully told me the CMS will go down even more once its born. I get that his new baby absolutely needs to be provided for too, but him paying less means I will have to pick up the fall. However, when I had another baby with my new partner, I had to budget to make sure both children's needs are met.

Am I being totally unreasonable or is the system just really unfair?

@SpaceRaiders yes I've had many, when I was younger my dad was everything to me and I thought he was amazing, as I reached my 20s the mask dropped. He said I was ungrateful as 'remember all the trips to the cinema, days out and things I bought you' but what I do remember is that it was my mum who took time off work whenever I was sick, who consoled me when I was upset, who attended all my parents evenings etc. she's always been my consistent parent. Once I reached my 30s the relationship broke down, mainly because of the lack of respect I have for him now, and his comeback is the old 'you're just like your mum'.

My dad is now a very lonely man who has nothing to do with his only child and grandchildren while my mum is surrounded by us and at times can't get rid of us 🤣

My ex has to pay slightly more now as he's changed from self employed, but when he was there was nothing I could do. He very carefully calculated his income to be £1 beneath the amount that ensured he would only pay the same as someone on benefits (about £5 per week I think). Annoyingly, he also promises the kids he will pay half for things (swimming lessons, school trips etc etc) then never does, leaving me on the hook for all of it.

It sucks. I'm sorry you're in the same position.

Thanks for sharing @todayistheday321

It’s taken me 8+ years but I’ve slowly learnt to let it go otherwise the resentment and unfairness of it eats you up inside.

I’m going through something similar @MonaChopsis with some fairly substantial health related costs for dc which ex refuses to contribute towards. Someone I spoke to recently mentioned I could pursue him in civil court/ small claims courts but I’ve yet to look properly into it. Maybe I shall, once all this blows over!

Your DS is only 9 x he will see the situation for what it is when he's older. The same thing happened with a really good friend of mine, despite it being tough for her, her kids grew up to realise what a joke their dad was... the respect they have for their mother is admirable. These kids grow up... the men don't realise x