XH taking DS to his parents for 5 days 250 miles away.

[davidtennantsmistress]

I know I should be happy to have a childless period, but i'm strugglaing to get my head around it.

I have to take DS to XH's workplace on the thurs afternoon (60 miles from me) XH will drop me at the train station and I have to get the train back and XH will take my car to his parents in the north. (this has annoyed me somewhat - why can't he come to me but either way, i'll go there as can see friends there at the same time).

So XH will drive the 4 hours north with DS on the thurs afternoon & stop with his parents until the monday morning and travel back to my house & I have to then drive him back to his work place. (am I being unreasonable in not wanting to do all of this driving about - prob am but I seem to be very accomodating of him at the mo apparently??)

anyhow, my main concerns are MIL has 2 yorkshire terriers which shouldn't beother me as I have 2 dogs - GSD being one so much bigger, on the other hand while ds is used to dogs her two are very very snappy & i'm not at all happy about DS being around them. they to pinch/nip.

PIL also live opposite their local - I know that as the inlaws and it's the first time any of XH's small family will have seen DS so naturally MIL will want to show DS off to everyone, but on the other hand, I don't want DS to be sat in a pub/running around the pub from midday until he falls asleep there at 8pm (or later on) - as to me that's not on.

I don't expect XH to actually be with DS for a lot of it - MIL is obv going to want to show DS off - as she hasn't had the chance to yet. i'm just struggling to get my head around it all. They all smoke in the house (another thing which annoys me) as apparently as long as a window's open it's fine while XH was here week before last with DS - I was popping in and out every day to make sure he was OK. (DS is only 2 and I know he'll be with his dad & will love the extra attention from the inlaws), but if anything does happen i'll be so far away. not to mention it's the longest stretch i'll have spent away from him iycwim. I'm looking forward toa few days on my own but also dreading it. I can't be there in 10 mins if DS is unhappy, not to mention he's only 2 so can't tell me really if he didn't like it/anything happened to him.

I know i'm being completely irrational, & unreasonable in my worries, so someone slap me now and tell me he'll be OK, everything will be fine etc. this will be a 1 chance thing for PIL at the minute to prove that I can trust them both as MIL & I have a long history of her being well, to put it bluntly her and XH are both manipulative & controlling, FIL is can also be violent when drunk, as can BIL towards FIL, the whole house hold is very volatile when alcohol is around (which is every day - XH openly admits they're alcoholics) and basically I don't want MIL to mess my boy up like she has hers. even thou I know it's only 5 days.

Am bumping for you as not great at advice,but I can understand why it's hard for you.

Someone should be along soon.

thanks wooga.

I know I have to let DS see his dads family & DS loves seeing his grandma & granddad. I realise a lot of it is me not being able to control things up there, but it's also about me not being able to protect him as well.

Didnt want to read and not post. You are being very accomodating i dont think id let my xp have my car (if i had 1) Not sure what to advise really but dont be surprised if your ds is a bit more diificult than usual when he comes back likelyhood is that they'll not give him the boundaries you do. Im sre everything will be fine but yur entitled to worry you are his mum after all. Sorry if this is no help at all.

thanks shelly - I know he'll be a nightmare when I get him back, i'm fully expecting him to be very very clingy as well - after he's got over the initial pushing me away. i'm worried about him/giving him anxiety/separation issues as well, as XH with his job was always away so I was always the constant figure DS could count on.

Its ok, my ds has never been away from me for that long but i find that when he came back from his dads he was a different child as he was allowd what he wanted and when and they didnt tell him no. Granted hes just turned 17months but hes a very determined child (no idea where he gets that from ) He may not push you away and not act any differently towards you although i surpose that depends on what your ds is usually like when your away from him.
Its understandable re your worries about seperation issues etc with you being the constant figure for your ds. The only thing i can suggest to that is to make sure hes aware hes staying with daddy and when you drop him off tell him that you love him and will see him on monday. If he has a comforter of some sort favourite teddy he sleeps with id send that aswell so hes got something he recongises home with iykwim.

well when his dad comes for the weekend all he wants is me which is why I leave my house for the weekend and leave them to it. When X had him for the week he was a nightmare not only at bed time but on the hole took 2 days to settle him again - then again XH hadn't done anythink with him all week so I this DS was climbing the walls!

He'll go up with ted blankey, his own sheets etc from the cot and his travel cot so lots of things to remind him of home.

another worry actually is XH will either leave him to scream (which DS will do at bed as it's unfamiliar to him) or keeps DS awake so late he's exhausted.

i'm being pfb and no one looks after DS like me arn't I?? lol. lock me up now!

Nobody looks like a dc the same. Explain to you ex that he needs to be occupied and his bed time is usually this so please dont keep him up too late gets cranky when hes over tired etc. Your lucky with two days to resettle him ive 10-12 days at times then hes going back to his dads. It is difficult and takes time for us to adapt children are more adaptable than we are i think.

sorry that was ment to be nobody looks after a dc the same way.

I've tried shelly - even tried differnt tactics/ways of suggesting things to XH on how to do stuff etc with DS, but either way he gets his back up and has a go/is short and snappy with me - most of the time I walk away and bite my tounge but it really pisses me off that if I say something like 'everything's out there if you want to take DS to the park' he'll snap yes I do know,

prime example this week was DS had a fleece romper thing on for bed on fri when XH came to stay, XH went to get his sleeping bag but I said oh I don't normally put that on as wlel other wise he'll get too hot, que XH to huff n puff & then say to DS, do you still have your milk at bed time then??

have you tried so there is no blame dont use you but start with i feel so its like a fact or a statement. eg I feel that ds gets overtired and needs to go to sleep earlier.

i've tried every which way to talk to him about things - when we were together I looked on it that it was his family, so didn't get too involved (also hated the way MIL talked to XH and pretty much kept out of it all) but now no matter what I say either to XH or DS (as in to DS did you have a nice time with daddy) XH is snappy and defensive which makes me wonder why I even bloody bother, cos it's him that wanted this not me, i'm just getting on with it and making the best of things.

I just thought id suggest it been suggested to me on a course on bringing up kids after splitting up. So thought it might come in use. I dont understand xh getting snappy bout you asking your ds that.
Unfortunately you cant do anything about what your xh does apart from make suggestions its up to him if he accepts that and does it. Hope things go ok

getting a bit nervous today - I rang XH to ask on fri what was happening as he's not bothered to contact us.

xmil says he's upset DS calls him by his first name - I tell DS for calling him that (DS sometimes calls his poppy - my dad 'dad') but what can I do - DS sees him every other week and he doesn't bother to ring inbetween times.

oh also found out from X that he's off work from tomorrow morning - I live right by the motorway (literally) so why can't he come to me on the train when the motorway to him is miles away.

and apparently XMIL says XH was going up there thurs - weds first i've heard of that one.

Well urely he should make the effort to phone and speak to ds in between visits. You cant force a child to call him dad especially at that age.

I think id try get him to get the train with the current price of petrol and strikes at grangemouth it'll probably be cheaper.

Thats quite a difference to the original agreement. If it were me id tell him it was thursday to monday as agreed. Maybe ex MIL is trying to get you to agree to a longer visit by blaming XH

Well urely he should make the effort to phone and speak to ds in between visits. You cant force a child to call him dad especially at that age.

I think id try get him to get the train with the current price of petrol and strikes at grangemouth it'll probably be cheaper.

Thats quite a difference to the original agreement. If it were me id tell him it was thursday to monday as agreed. Maybe ex MIL is trying to get you to agree to a longer visit by blaming XH

no it will be thurs to monday and no more, DS isn't being away that long for his first trip, no way no how. and yes I sound unreasonable but none not happening.

(should have said I tell DS off - I say to him 'no it's daddy to you not X) then again DS calls my mum, mum, my auntys mum, so i'm not really worried about it.

I saw your thread as well about the stupid or not - you're not stupid at all, but I think both of us are fools! lol. my x stops here when he sees DS & doesn't pay any more. he's after a cheap quiet life. these men will realise how special the kids are - and can't blame anyone bar their selves when if they're older they don't want to know them.

You dont sound unreasonable at all. That wasnt what you agreed to. It is a long time for a 2 year old to be away from their mum even more so as its his first time away.

My ds calls my brother dad but db and xp both have the same name. IYKWIM. My ex gave me hassle for not telling ds that daddy loves and misses him. Im not going to unpest my son especially when hes no where near old enough to understand.

you don't sound unreasonable at all.Infact your doing an amazing job accomodating your XH so he has a relationship with your lo.I'd say your putting yourself out tonnes-your house,your car!?! I'd be just the same,who wouldn't.I've had ups and downs with my xp.You just want to protect them and keep them separate from the painful unpleasant stuff.Your wish for your lo not to stay in a smoky house should really be appreciated...I think so anyway...I wanted to give you some support because this is a tough one.

Its good to make an effort with things but why isn't everyone else making the effort.I can't understand why your having to give up your car and do all sorts of stuff to be left more than a little uncomfortable about an arrangement than really doesn't suit you and also might not suit your lo.I don't think its a fair thing to ask either of you.There's plenty of ways to support an XH relationship with their child and they shouldn't leave you really really unhappy with the arrangements.Sorry feel frustrated on your behalf (have been there).

I know WHY we do it.We're trying to go the extra mile to make up for XP/XH who seem to have no idea sometimes.We want to make up for that or certainly I've tried to in the past.

If its his first time staying away I think it would be fairer on you both if it was somewhere nearby that he could come home from or you could go to if nec.He's only 2 its not much for you to ask.Sorry I'm like a mad poster who just can't stop...I'm trying to seek help for that haha

flower - I was intending to go up with them and stay with family in north Yorkshire (about an hour away) but XH wanted me to pay half of the petrol on top of everything else (I don't charge him for the wear n tear on my car do it?? or road tax etc or help with he MOT when he uses it. so have said no sorry I can't afford it - which I genuinely can't. but yes I do feel like I have to make it up to DS sometimes - which is tbh totally stupid. I know there are plenty of ways to support XH/DS's relationship but tbh at the minute i'm not wanting to rock the boat too much as it were. we have a complicated set of circs when looked at closely. so it helps us both at the mo - then again XH is v v good at being controlling & manipulative. and basically putting things in such a way I feel grateful for what he's doing for us/me - but at the end of the day I now see thru his shit and answer back. (starting with increased maintenance this month - funny how he can pluck an extra £50 out of the air isn't it??) stupid stupid man. althou to be fair I think MIL may have got involved there after I told her a few home truths about he situation (not right I know but was getting pissed off with being told how great XH is - er well he's not actually!)

shelly - I saw that post - I was on your behalf, why's it up to you to tell your child his dad loves him?? I tell DS at least 10 times a day I love him, and as I see it as long as he feels safe secure and loved by me & my family we don't need anyone or anything else involved (I know that's selfish, but I'm determined rightly or wrongly that DS won't have the same upbringing XH had - which for him was bad)

I tell my ds i love him about the same amount of times a day as you with your ds. My family dote on him and he has two uncles and a grandad that will do anything for him so he has male role models. His grandma spoils him lol He doesnt want for anything from his dad. The only thing i want from his dad at the moment is to text every few days to find out if theres any news on ds' health and a supportive text/phone call.

hi sorry for saying so much earlier you must think me mad.But you know when someone talks/posts something thats really close to home its hard to help yourself...Its the making a really big effort for all the right reasons whilst xp/hb makes it so hard/moves goalposts so things are never quite right.I can't argue with not rocking the boat.I'm torn between saying what I think and just not bothering because my XP doesn't understand and I worry my DD would feel worse if we were to argue.I've been forced to say stuff sometimes because there was no way round it.It had to be said.Its the controlling and manipulating which is so exhausting/makes me cross.Anyhow hope things go ok.Take care